No physical abuse, still abuse

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Someone on the forum posted about trauma bonding so I decided to look it up. On a the website abuseandrelationships.org, there was a section that really resonated with me about non-battering abuse (though I have never been afraid of being murdered in my relationship).  I thought I would share it... .

"Non-Battering or Low-Battering Abuse

With rare exceptions, primary aggressors try to avoid anything like traditionally-defined violence, which in these pages is referred to as battering. Survivors understandably share this goal, and overwhelmingly, they back down and submit if the primary aggressor escalates.

For this reason, a low battering abusive relationship is usually a testament to survivor resourcefulness, not an indication of respect and freedom. A relationship with no or little battering is the rule not the exception in domestic abuse, and that is true as well even for abusive relationships that eventually end in murder. Low battering alone is not a sign of low lethality.

There is also a common pattern of abuse termed 'water-torture.' With this, a highly self-controlled primary aggressor keeps up a study drip of small but demeaning and crazy-making power behaviors at low volume. Often it is the survivor that loses composure and acts out. The primary aggressor than believes he can either 'restrain' the survivor quite harshly, 'in self-defense', or claim that the survivor is the aggressor, and the only one who is hitting (which is only superficially true).

The statement " I never touched her... ." is rarely absolutely true. However, it does accurately reflect a secondary goal of most primary aggressors to never use battering. But also the statement "I never touched her... ." is not central to the intervention in domestic abuse. Who is battering whom is important, but even more important, is who is controlling or limiting whom, because it is that that drives escalation and ultimate lethality."

I have definitely thought sometimes, that since I was never physically harmed or touched in anger, that things weren't that bad.  I have actually done things I never imagined doing- like punching my husband in the shoulder/arm (not repeatedly) and physically trying to push him away from me when he was being excessively cruel.  I did this out of pure frustration and anguish, never to try and harm him -more like trying to stop what was going on (not a good choice on my part and nothing makes it right).  Then I became the abuser and I am ashamed that I allowed myself to do that.  I have become verbally abusive in retaliation (knew very little about BPD before now, husband has never seen a therapist in his life).  I have also literally banged my head against the wall before.  Mostly I just cried a lot.  When I think of these times, I realize how unhealthy our relationship is/was.  I know I played a role in all of this, it's really hard thinking "what if" I was better... what if, what if, what if... .It's hard for me to admit these things, and I start to think about what I have become.   I wanted to post about this in case there is any one else who has done things they never thought they would from years of being in a relationship with someone with BPD.  My relationship has been 11 years.

I am posting in this section as I am still finding it hard to let go and there is still that "hope" floating through my mind that he will have some kind of realization and get help. I certainly need help too. He moved in with my replacement about a month ago, after I told him he had to leave if he kept seeing her upon discovering their affair.  So yeah, I'm not in a good place. 

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[summera]

Someone on the forum posted about trauma bonding so I decided to look it up. On a the website abuseandrelationships.org, there was a section that really resonated with me about non-battering abuse (though I have never been afraid of being murdered in my relationship).  I thought I would share it... .

"Non-Battering or Low-Battering Abuse

With rare exceptions, primary aggressors try to avoid anything like traditionally-defined violence, which in these pages is referred to as battering. Survivors understandably share this goal, and overwhelmingly, they back down and submit if the primary aggressor escalates.

For this reason, a low battering abusive relationship is usually a testament to survivor resourcefulness, not an indication of respect and freedom. A relationship with no or little battering is the rule not the exception in domestic abuse, and that is true as well even for abusive relationships that eventually end in murder. Low battering alone is not a sign of low lethality.

There is also a common pattern of abuse termed 'water-torture.' With this, a highly self-controlled primary aggressor keeps up a study drip of small but demeaning and crazy-making power behaviors at low volume. Often it is the survivor that loses composure and acts out. The primary aggressor than believes he can either 'restrain' the survivor quite harshly, 'in self-defense', or claim that the survivor is the aggressor, and the only one who is hitting (which is only superficially true).

The statement " I never touched her... ." is rarely absolutely true. However, it does accurately reflect a secondary goal of most primary aggressors to never use battering. But also the statement "I never touched her... ." is not central to the intervention in domestic abuse. Who is battering whom is important, but even more important, is who is controlling or limiting whom, because it is that that drives escalation and ultimate lethality."

I have definitely thought sometimes, that since I was never physically harmed or touched in anger, that things weren't that bad.  I have actually done things I never imagined doing- like punching my husband in the shoulder/arm (not repeatedly) and physically trying to push him away from me when he was being excessively cruel.  I did this out of pure frustration and anguish, never to try and harm him -more like trying to stop what was going on (not a good choice on my part and nothing makes it right).  Then I became the abuser and I am ashamed that I allowed myself to do that.  I have become verbally abusive in retaliation (knew very little about BPD before now, husband has never seen a therapist in his life).  I have also literally banged my head against the wall before.  Mostly I just cried a lot.  When I think of these times, I realize how unhealthy our relationship is/was.  I know I played a role in all of this, it's really hard thinking "what if" I was better... what if, what if, what if... .It's hard for me to admit these things, and I start to think about what I have become.   I wanted to post about this in case there is any one else who has done things they never thought they would from years of being in a relationship with someone with BPD.  My relationship has been 11 years.

I am posting in this section as I am still finding it hard to let go and there is still that "hope" floating through my mind that he will have some kind of realization and get help. I certainly need help too. He moved in with my replacement about a month ago, after I told him he had to leave if he kept seeing her upon discovering their affair.  So yeah, I'm not in a good place. 

:\

[Samuel S.]

Summera, thank you so tremendously so for this very good, yet provocative post on this website! The lessons you have learned from that website along with your own personal experiences have made you realize that you are human, that you can make mistakes, but it is only due to having been pushed so hard and so often. I am dating myself, but there was an old movie called "Straw Dogs" which if you have not seen it, deals with how good people can be pushed so much like yourself, that they finally push back out of desperation and out of need to keep up the boundary of self-preservation.

I am a male who is married to a BPDw. She has been extremely manipulative and verbally abusive with me and with many others due to her selfishness and due to all of her hurt previously from her abusive mother, the death of her 7 1/2 year old daughter from a mosquito bite 15 years ago, and having been expected to act "appropriately" all of her life. She had been a complete giver. Now, she is so extremely selfish. She has been neglectful of our relationship which she freely admits. She is working part-time along with taking classes out of town 2 days a week. We have not gone on any date for a very long time. Like you, I see glimmers of hope, and that is why I have stayed in this relationship, although there are dear friends and relatives who wonder why I do so. If and when she ever physically hits me, I am out of here, period. Once is enough! That will be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Summera, considering your current circumstances and considering what you have learned from reading and experiences, if you are not doing so already, I suggest getting counseling, if you are not doing so already. In this way, you can purge yourself of the negativity and move on.

The very best of luck to you! I just wish you, others on this website, and I would not have to endure and even suffer!

[summera]

Thank you for your reply Samuel S.

I do not think I would have stayed had my husband ever been physically abusive toward me either.  Maybe that seems ironic.  I was pushed (emotionally), but I am not proud of my reactions to him. These things would happen when I was already crying from things he had said and he would not stop saying more- almost like me crying was not proof that I was hurting enough?  I'm not sure.  I was ignorant of the situation as well. Honestly, I don't think of my husband as a monster, I really never did.  Now, I really understand how much he was hurting, not necessarily just trying to hurt me.

I know that he did not fear me in any way, but I feared him emotionally I would say.  I was the one walking on eggshells, trying not to upset him, while trying to just live life at the same time.  I was not anxious 24/7 as a lot of the time things were "good" and we would be texting "I love you" throughout the day and snuggling to sleep every night.  He did not walk on eggshells or ever worry what I was going to do if I was upset.  If I got mad or upset, I would say what I was upset about, I would complain (which I know is not helpful) or cry.   Honestly, after getting married- things were not all that crazy, it was more subtle. Everything was subtle such as control- he never told me who I could hang out with or what I could do, as he knew I would likely not tolerate that, but he would do things like agree to plans and then break them at the last second, or make it seem like he was doing me an extreme favor by doing something I wanted, while complaining the whole time, ask when we could leave and ruin it for me. This would happen at least 9/10 times. He knew how much this upset me, and he did it all of the time.  I think a major problem was, that I could never seem to solve a problem with him in a healthy, rational way.  This is where the "crazy-making" came into play.  We would talk out a problem, agree on things, but then nothing would change.  You get to a point where you feel like you have gone crazy.  I always felt like he was a really good person, going through a tough time, but the tough time never seems to end.  I made excuses for him because so much was going on in his life.  Part of me knows that I really was doing my best, but trying to have a normal relationship with someone who was not on the same page as me. 

In his mind, who knows what he was experiencing, but he was unhappy and it was my fault.  I did complain about his unhealthy habits, nagged and things which I know is not good even in "normal" relationships.  Honestly, I loved him so much though and just wanted him to be happy and healthy.  I still love him and still want that for him. 

Yes, I am seeking therapy/counseling, Thanks again