Newbie in critical phase

[Endofrope]

Hello all, I have learned a lot in a short time here, wish I had known about BPD and this forum 8 years ago, that is how long I have been with my BPD wife. I googled her symptoms a few months ago and was sure that she was BPD, a couple of psychiatrists have since agreed.

She has fits of jealous rage which get violent and she also gets very verbally abusive. She has promised therapy but not really followed through, other than some marriage counseling where I am blamed for most of her problems.

A few days ago she had another violent outburst at 4:30 am when she accused me of cheating with her good friend based on the completely irrational claim that a Facebook photo of the friend allegedly showed me in the reflection of her sunglasses! You cannot even see a person in the reflection, let alone identify it as me! The girl's boyfriend (also a friend of mine) verified the photo was taken at their house while he was with her, but this did not stop my wife's accusations. False accusations have been a pattern our whole relationship. My wife called my parents at 4:30 am to tell them I was cheating and that she had photos to prove it, and after they looked at the photo and said they saw nothing, she lied and told them she had incriminating phone records (they don't exist). She then texted all of my brothers with the photo and same accusations, none of them could see a person in the reflection either. She also screamed for the neighbors to hear that I was a cheater and a wife beater (also yelling "stop kicking me" to set me up and the next day threatening to have me arrested and it use me)- nice huh?

I told my wife that the relationship was over unless she met certain conditions, including that  she needed to get intense therapy and fix the damage she did to my family and neighbors. She refused to respond to my conditions unless I agreed not to be friends with or talk to the girl I allegedly cheated with and her boyfriend - I told her no more conditions by her and she can't tell me who to be friends with. She told me I need to serve her with a 39 day notice to leave the house (I own it). I am now sitting with the 30 day notice waiting of her to come down stairs and I will serve it. Tried to tell her she had the option of complying with my conditions but she cried and said she could not talk to me. Should I go ahead and serve the notice? Maybe not the best timing, but there is never a good time and I see no other options.

Any thoughts or suggestions greatly appreciated, thanks!

[Endofrope]

   

Re: Newbie at critical phase

« Reply #2 on: Today at 08:25:41 PM »

Quote

So I served the notice. I'm sure you will all be shocked to learn is was not well received!     I followed it by texting and telling her I love her, she has a great heart and soul, I hoped she would change her mind and get the therapy,  and there is almost nothing that would cause me to leave but abuse was an exception. She is now demanding that I give her 2 of our 3 dogs and that I keep the one that is blind (her do before we met).

This pattern has gone on for 8 years and I think I have been more than patient and supportive. Not sure what else I can do even if I wanted to. I will copy my most to the forum you suggested.

Thanks

[catnap]

Because she has threaten you with false allegations, be very, very careful.  Quite a few members have had to endure being arrested on false charges.  I think also, at some point before being evicted, she may agree to therapy but only to keep you in the relationship. . .not because she is committed to getting help and making changes. 

Do protect yourself by having a recording device on your person (hidden) whenever you have contact with her.  You might also want to post on how to protect yourself for the remaining time she is in the house on the Legal Board     [L3] Family law, divorce, and custody https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

[Endofrope]

Regrading the recording suggestion, funny you suggest this, she constantly asks I I'm recording her, it's illegal where I live so I don't, but I have told her before I will video with my phone (legal if you disclose it)

She said she would go to therapy but only if I cut off my friendship "1000 percent" with the couple that includes the girl she had delusions I was having an affair with. I refused this but said I won't talk to them now and we can talk to the counselor. Now I'm getting more of how I'm no understanding, she will leave and I will want her back eye. Accused me of going to be with the girl when I met friends at a bar to watch football, even when I told her come see for yourself etc. 

How and why do we put up with this? My offer of counseling is still open but I think we all know how this will end, more of the same!

[Indyan]

What you describe painfully reminds me of my BPD bf (or s2bx) a couple of months ago - looking totally paranoid.

It's painful to watch your loved one totally out of her/his mind  :'(

In my case the topic was "She wants to escape with baby", and he called the police claiming I had been physically violent to him, then phoned his sister and brother in law late at night. They live one hour drive away and they came over... .and seemed to believe he had reasons for panicking. Also, just like you, my bf showed them a picture of baby in his cot, with an arm sticking out between the bars - he said that was proof of child abuse on my part. At the time he was convinced that the picture was proof.

Of course, there was nothing to see, only a baby sleeping in his bed.

And of course, he wouldn't admit he was paranoid, even 3 months later.

Don't expect her to admit anything - that's a symptom of the illness, they make events match their feelings, not the other way round.

That's when personally I became fully aware that he was mentally ill, really... .

[Endofrope]

Indyan, thanks for the reply. Can you tell me how you dealt with the situation, sounds like you left? Did he try therapy? My wife has agreed to therapy 3x per week starting today with a counselor who specializes in BPD. Not sure how I never explored this before but we have been together for 8 years and I finally google her symptoms and it was pretty clear to me she had BPD, a couple psychiatrists said the same after one meeting.

Is there any hope for change? I don't think I can handle the concept of "radical acceptance" if that means basically accepting this behavior. To me, that seems to be the ultimate issue with many. Even though the SO has an illness, why should we stay if the illness manifests as attacks against us? I am new at this so I have a hard time believing there is no ability to control the attacks, but even if there is not, what good does it do anyone to continue the relationship? I'm hoping the therapy will work but not real optimistic based on all I am learning here.

[Indyan]

Endofrope, how come it took you so long to figure out she had a "problem"? I mean how did you cope all these years? You don't have children together, have you?

It took me 1 year to google symptoms, and I was already 6 months pregnant.

A short summary of my story is here : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=233689.0

So he said he'll see the therapist on Monday... .

"I'm hoping the therapy will work but not real optimistic based on all I am learning here."

IMHO, testimonies here are essentially those of failed relationships, and positive outcomes are not common on this forum. I don't know how optimistic or not we ought to be, really. The therapist he'll see has devoted himself to BPD all his life and sounds fairly optimistic. He told me the other day "When there's love, there's still hope".

The thing is I have no trust left, and it's a terrible feeling.

I don't even know if I love him still  :'(