Escape Mechanisms-have any?

[TiredOfDrama]

I've been thinking lately about what it is that I do to get/take a quick mental break from the stress of dealing with adult SD's BPD. We live just waiting for the other shoe to drop, since we really have no power to force her to get help.

I found that I haven't had the time or patience to do what I really used to enjoy as far as hobbies... .mind was scrapbooking. I'll get back to it one day, but right now there is too much chaos to lose myself in that hobby like I used to.

So now, I need to take little breaks when I can. I have a few things that I do to get a mental breather:

    -I fully engage in some escape TV series (thank goodness for Netflix). Gives me an hour or so    where I'm involved in someone else's problems rather than my own. In some cases, when time permits, I can binge-watch.

    -Play some game like Candy Crush or Words w/Friends.

    -read... .some work of fiction. The bigger the book the better.

    -an episode or 2 of House Hunters International... .dh and I can sometimes watch this together and we can look around the world to see where we can run away to, or seriously retire to.

I thought sharing ideas on how we take a break from our lives might be helpful. What do you do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Tiredofdrama

Does your sd live with you?  If so, get out of the house periodically. Visit friends or just go window shopping.  Go for a walk or a drive alone.

Remove yourself physically and be sure to shut off your cell phone if you have one... or just do not answer it. Go MIA for a few hours.

Just about anything away from the stress will be relaxing.  We all face the same situation, but sometimes we need to say enough is enough and take some personal time.

[TiredOfDrama]

SD doesn't live with us anymore, but all her possessions are still piled up in our garage while she is "staying with a friend". We just heard today that the bf of about 2 months, that she sacrificed everything (including living with us) for... .well, they broke up.

We know this means even more drama is headed our way. While we are happy THAT relationship is over, there is a small part of me (and probably dh too) that hoped this guy wasn't what we expected him to be and things might be "ok". Turns out he was what we thought he was.

And I will say I used one of my favorite escapes of all today... .a little retail therapy can go a long way. Nothing too exciting, just a few things garments for work that I was in need of. Feel better already.   

[pessim-optimist]

This is a wonderful idea for a thread TiredOfDrama!

We all need to recharge and relax (or even just escape for a few minutes) and sharing these ideas is a good way to:

1. Realize what it is that we do that makes us happy/relaxed.

2. Make a mental check whether we've been doing those things regularly.

3. Get new ideas from others!

When I first came here, I realized that I had been so focused on all the problems that I didn't even take time to take those breathers. Not to even speak of self-care as a concept. 

Ever since I was little, these things helped me the most:

Time outdoors - whether just a long walk, sitting by a creek, or a long camping vacation.

Music - I like different genres, but usually it needs to be soothing. Sometimes upbeat and happy as well. Physical exercise - that's a must to boost my mood. I've always been athletic, and up until my mid-twenties I moved all the time. Then, somehow there was little time, life happened and before I knew it, I became sedentary and really depressed.

Now, it's a part of my routine again and I am a much happier camper.

Does your sd live with you?  If so, get out of the house periodically. Visit friends or just go window shopping.  Go for a walk or a drive alone.

Remove yourself physically and be sure to shut off your cell phone if you have one... or just do not answer it. Go MIA for a few hours.

That's a MUST to keep one's sanity.

[mamaafrika]

I'm heading off for a night away tomorrow at a spa with two other moms from our local support group.  We all have young kids with psychiatric disorders.  I am SO SO excited. I've never done this before, and its a gift from a friend which makes it even more special! My DS's teacher has even given me a bottle of wine to take along... .

I can so relate to TiredofDrama's list. I happily hide away in Candy Crush and reruns of Greys Anatomy. I am trying to be better about rekindling my love of gardening and getting to the occasional yoga class.  Maybe tomorrow nights escape will give me the inspiration I need to work harder at it!

[TiredOfDrama]

I'm heading off for a night away tomorrow at a spa with two other moms from our local support group.

SO jealous! I've thought about scheduling a "spa day" for myself, but I was fearful that my "thoughts" might roll in and spoil the experience. I probably should re-think this.

A bit of physical activity is always a good thing, but lately working too late along with crazy heat/humidity/mosquitoes has made that not an option. We're almost into fall weather here, so that will be an option again soon.

This is a wonderful idea for a thread TiredOfDrama!

Thanks! As I was reading some of the threads I realized something like this was missing. We need to share how we get through the anxiety in our lives... .some ideas how to do that can help everyone.

[qcarolr]

A gift of time has been given to me. Dd28 is in jail for 2-3 more months without any furloughs where I am the transportation. Gd is back in school. My login to work has been restored so I can choose to work from home half time. And everyone in my support network asks everytime what I have done to be kind to myself. No excuses.

When I have an appointment I try to get there half hour early. If there is shade I sit and listen to the radio, close my eyes and breathe. I find myself in prayers of gratitude often with a smile on my relaxed face. Or I fall asleep. The radio goes off after 10 min to wake me up. Or I sit outside in the quiet for 20 minutes if I can find a nearby park or other green space.

I really enjoy an intense conversation with my mentor about something I have been reading - we are so well matched in our interests.

A good novel, sitting on patio watching kids laugh ( they all have these musical giggles!) and play when they are getting along, going to breakfast on Friday with dh (both of us have day off), being playful sharing chores with dh on day off with gd in school.

There are so many moments each day I can find to be alone or with someone that can distract me from worry. My awareness of these gifts of time has gotten better as I am more intentional seeking them. I have been practicing being mindful, being willing in these kindnesses to myself. The thread on ' Willingness vs. Willfulness' has been really great for me.

The thought that is coming up just now: I get restored and energized with quiet alone or one on one time. As I age, I feel less pressure to be 'on' all the time and my introverted qualities emerge. I know others that need action and people to get energized. I give myself permission follow my preferences in this.

So what and how do you get past the chaos and demands to find the fun? To shake off the exhaustion and overwhelm? Do you crave quiet or action to get revived?  

Qcr

[lever.]

It's definitely peace and quiet that I crave. I love reading novels and relax by watching a few easy TV programmes.

I also meet up with friends for lunch.

In October I have a weekend away with two old schoolfriends planned  

My  daughter no longer lives with me so I'm lucky I do get these breaks for myself.

When things are full on and difficult I did find it hard to relax and would cancel all this type of thing as I was afraid of what was happening when I wasn't there. However I found that was a quick way to burnout and irritation and tiredness.

Also when things are difficult I find that I can spoil the pleasant activity with my own worries and thoughts eg walking along a lovely beach worrying stressing and almost crying. I have found mindfulness has helped with that-just stopping and focussing on what I can see and hear in the moment.

Also agree that tiny little break while waiting for appointments etc are helpful-just stop and breathe-listen to the birds, look around at the trees.

Daughter staying with me at the moment and I noticed I was getting tense even about going for a bath in case she argues with DH etc.-good timing with this post to help me remember to take a break.

[HealingSpirit]

This is such a great question!

I like to sit outside on my patio and savor and enjoy a glass of wine or cocktail after work. I realized it doesn't even have to be an alcoholic drink because it is the sipping from a fancy glass that I enjoy, so even drinking a "mocktail" from my favorite fancy martini glass or wine glass does the trick. (But I do love wine and vodka martinis.)

I love to read outside on my patio. I also read every night before bed, but I can only manage a few pages before I start dozing.  

I enjoy relaxing in the jacuzzi with DH before bed. I would love an aromatherapy bubble bath, but our tub is way too short for me, so until we remodel, the jacuzzi is great.

I take a painting class every Thursday, which forces me to take time for me every week. (And sometimes I do have to FORCE myself to go.) It really helps to immerse myself in a project that makes me lose track of time.

When I've HAD IT and I just have to get out of the house, grocery shopping, or just cruising  the isles at Target helps. I like looking at the home decor and storage departments to get ideas. Getting the car washed always feels satisfying on those occasions too.

I have become more disciplined in meeting girlfriends for lunch. We pull out our calendars to schedule the next date while we are still having lunch. This strategy works MUCH better than, "Let's call each other soon and do this again."  (It never happens that way.). This has really helped give me plenty of lunch dates to look forward to.

Calling my mom, my sister, or a friend helps sometimes too. Lately, when I need privacy, I drive to a nice, quiet, shady spot with a view and call someone from my cell phone.  

Walking my dogs sometimes feels restorative, but I'm extroverted and I've learned that I need someone to talk to when I'm feeling drained or tired. I need to be around people sometimes to recharge.

How about everyone else? Are you introverted or extroverted? Do you feel recharged from time alone or from being around people?

[lever.]

Something clicked into place for me reading this thread.

This site is not only about how we can help our children it is also for us.

I used to see self care as a way of keeping myself steady so that I could support my daughters-but we are important too.

The site is also about how we can continue to have a good life and not allow BPD to ruin OUR lives whilst still continuing to be as supportive as we can.

To answer HealingSpirit-I'm more of an introvert I think-like reading, countryside etc. but also enjoy being with friends in smallish groups-not keen on big parties, over-stimulating, noisy environments.



I know other people vary in what re-charges their batteries.

[TiredOfDrama]

This site is not only about how we can help our children it is also for us.

That's what I was thinking, since we can't be of any help if we are sucked dry ourselves. That's about where I am at the moment, and I'm just not able to do the things I used to do for mental R & R. I either don't have the time, don't have the patience or both. We struggle every day to keep our small business afloat, so time is definitely a problem.

I'm hopeful that one of these days I'll be able to find the time to do what I used to do for relaxation, which is why I thought I'd see what others do for brief respite. Even a 15 min. break is better than nothing.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

We all earn those two 15 minute breaks the labor laws allow, even when self-employed. I worked with my dh in his TV repair business for many years. He is in maintenance at a retirement community now and there is always more to do than time to do it. Yet, he takes his short lunch break out on the employee 'patio' even in the winter to sit in the sun. I can tell when he is unable to do this. He is more grumpy and impatient when he gets home.

Let the voice mail work for you, step outside with something you enjoy to drink. Maybe your dh can join you. Just promise each other to talk about something other than work or drama at home. Like your fantasy get-away!

Hang in there. Praying for peace and rest in your day. It is always waiting when we pause for it.

qcr

[trytrytry]

Such a great thread!  Ive found/remembered a few things that restore/rebalance me.  Things that focus my mind on something other than me or my DD28.  I've always been a bit of a musician, but in the last few years, I've taken it to the next level- I'm playing in a band. (Irish music)

Between gigs, and  practice and my day job, I keep pretty well occupied.  My family knows that I'm not one to carry a cell phone most times, so, when I'm out of the house, I'm out of contact. That really helps.  I also feel best when I'm physically active, and that has been harder to pencil in, but I keep working at it.  I'm also learning how to fix vegetables so that I like them, and also a bit about meditating and setting purpose to my day.

I'm almost ready to retire (financially)- and am feeling some concern about that.  My DH is much older than I, and has recently bought a cottage in the mountains where he spends much of his time.  I feel like I'm in the process of great change- which is good, but scary.

I'm more of an introvert, but worry that I'll start to isolate.  Think I'm so lucky that I'll be able to retire at all- Many can't.  Feeling OK these days, but there is always the nagging worry about DD28, and what on earth will become of her.

[qcarolr]

I'm more of an introvert, but worry that I'll start to isolate.  Think I'm so lucky that I'll be able to retire at all- Many can't.  Feeling OK these days, but there is always the nagging worry about DD28, and what on earth will become of her.

Hmmmm - seems like your love of music and being a part of the band give you a great opportunity to stay connected in a positive community. This is a good antidote for isolation fears.

Your DD28 will be who she is and do what she does regardless of your time and effort spent in unproductive worry about her. I you can find ways to validate something in her life and let her know you love her, well sometimes this is all we can do. This has strengthened a healthier connection for me with my DD28.

Hoping you can give yourself permission to feel the fears and let that motivate you to make plans to overcome them.

qcr

[Sstepdad]

Exercise helps me a lot I go on long bike rides I am in a beautiful area in the catskills.

Or disappear in the shop on our property and work on projects my wife sometimes works on her projects there too.