What is this called?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This past week I have experienced some of the most blatant and willful obstinance from exuBPDNPDw in my history with this deranged individual.

"We" are currently dealing with issues with our Asperger's S9.  He has significant behavioral problems with aggression, anger, impulsivity, that make his school days challenging.  Two weeks into the school year he has had three incidents already.

In addition to this, and likely brought about by the issues addressed, I had filed a petition to modify our custody order.  Eliminate ex's pick ups on my days - lots of issues here with conflict in front of the kids, ex not cooperating with scheduling activities on my time - scheduling activities without discussing with me, scheduling very early in the day so she has to take the kids and I can't participate, and lastly the fact that she does not have a credible psychological evaluation.  We were both court ordered to get a psych eval, she didn't use the dr. she was supposed to, and the report is garbage.

So the result of this hearing was that we were to go to coparent counseling.  Yes, four years post custody order, we are going to coparent counseling.  We have had two of four required sessions and it is no different than our couple's counseling - I am at fault for everything, nothing I present is true, and nothing I say is worth listening to.  I am meeting with the counselor this evening, ex is meeting Thursday, and we have a follow-up custody hearing on Friday.

So with addressing issues with S9, we have additional wrap around support and an assigned Behavioral Specialist Consultant (BSC).  We have been deciding what the schedule for S9 will be, activities, counseling, etc.  A number of things are available.  At the last hearing I presented the possibility of a M/W after school program for S9 for autistic children.  This had been presented to both of us by the BSC, ex met first and was "hesitant" about the program, I met with her and felt the program sounded great.  This gets relayed back to ex, that I like the program, now ex is "completely opposed" to the after school program.  OK, there are other programs, very close to home, very close to school. 

I am spending a lot of time working with the BSC over the last three months whereas ex has just gone incommunicado with the BSC - she doesn't like the fact that things are not being done as she wishes.  We continue discussions about the program for S9.  Out of the blue, we get a call from the office that provides some of the wrap around programs, it was a Wednesday, and they say they have an opening for that evening in a social skills class.  Since we had not fully discussed the weekly activities and there are other programs that we were discussing, I say, "no" to S9 attending this evening.  Tell ex, and also say that I still want to look into this program, and others before committing.  The following day I discuss the W class with the BSC, she recommends go for it.  I call the office back and say, "we're in," and follow up with an e-mail saying same, and copy ex on the e-mail.  So I'm assuming ex gets it, that I did what I told her I would do, learn about the program, and I've now changed my mind and S9 is in the class now.

This past W comes around, S9 is in flag football which ends at 4:30, and the social skills class begins at 5, so ex will have to take him from football to class.   The two locations are literally less than a mile apart.

This is Wed. and we are meeting with the coparent counselor on Thursday.  On Thursday I learn that S9 was not taken to the social skills class.  We go to coparent counseling and the session is as expected, as reported, ex does nothing wrong - it's OK and isolated incidents of arguing in front of the kids at pickups, it's ok to have S9 diagnosed with physical problems like bowel control as his own problems without describing the toxic environment around him and have these discussions with the pediatrician without dad involved, it's OK to schedule activities without discussing with dad, etc.

Ex would behave very narcissistically in this session - she's now certified in special education!

So I ask on Friday, what was the reason for S9 not getting to social skills?  Ex responds, "He had football until 4:30 and the class started at 5.  I thought it too much for him.  Plus, when you said no to the class when I asked I went and scheduled a 5:15 viola class for him."   

This was last Friday, I learn at work and I cannot believe what I'm hearing.  Completely irrational response.  I could not have predicted this zaniness and this is all about ex trying to make me look like the bad guy and simply being defiant.  Of course at the expense of the child.  Two weeks previous, she had stated that she felt S9 could use both the W class and a onene therapist.  Now it's completely different.

Also, the viola classes.  She had asked about a class a few weeks ago and I just did not respond.  So she went ahead and scheduled the activity without telling me and sounds like she'll take him on her days - keeping me out of it.  She also forwarded an e-mail she had sent about baseball, that I did not respond to - but, I had put him in baseball, I just didn't respond to her e-mail, but forwarded the registration confirmation to her after registering S9.

So she knows we are going back to the coparent counselor, she knows we have another hearing coming up.  Why in the world would hse do this now?  Is this an "extinction burst"?  Dysregulation?

My fear is that she took something the Master had said out of context, that he claims to be, "more of an EOW custody guy than a 50:50 guy."  He's new, no family court experience, and the original master has retired. His reasoning is that someone has to be in the lead regardless of the custody arrangement.  So it almost sounds as if ex is putting herself in that "lead" position because she almost rationalized her actions with this while in coparent counseling. 

My fear is that she feels she has the master wrapped around her finger. Despite that bad things I presented in our hearing, nothing has changed other than that we needed to go to coparent counseling which as I stated will be a waste of time.   

 

[scraps66]

This past week I have experienced some of the most blatant and willful obstinance from exuBPDNPDw in my history with this deranged individual.

"We" are currently dealing with issues with our Asperger's S9.  He has significant behavioral problems with aggression, anger, impulsivity, that make his school days challenging.  Two weeks into the school year he has had three incidents already.

In addition to this, and likely brought about by the issues addressed, I had filed a petition to modify our custody order.  Eliminate ex's pick ups on my days - lots of issues here with conflict in front of the kids, ex not cooperating with scheduling activities on my time - scheduling activities without discussing with me, scheduling very early in the day so she has to take the kids and I can't participate, and lastly the fact that she does not have a credible psychological evaluation.  We were both court ordered to get a psych eval, she didn't use the dr. she was supposed to, and the report is garbage.

So the result of this hearing was that we were to go to coparent counseling.  Yes, four years post custody order, we are going to coparent counseling.  We have had two of four required sessions and it is no different than our couple's counseling - I am at fault for everything, nothing I present is true, and nothing I say is worth listening to.  I am meeting with the counselor this evening, ex is meeting Thursday, and we have a follow-up custody hearing on Friday.

So with addressing issues with S9, we have additional wrap around support and an assigned Behavioral Specialist Consultant (BSC).  We have been deciding what the schedule for S9 will be, activities, counseling, etc.  A number of things are available.  At the last hearing I presented the possibility of a M/W after school program for S9 for autistic children.  This had been presented to both of us by the BSC, ex met first and was "hesitant" about the program, I met with her and felt the program sounded great.  This gets relayed back to ex, that I like the program, now ex is "completely opposed" to the after school program.  OK, there are other programs, very close to home, very close to school. 

I am spending a lot of time working with the BSC over the last three months whereas ex has just gone incommunicado with the BSC - she doesn't like the fact that things are not being done as she wishes.  We continue discussions about the program for S9.  Out of the blue, we get a call from the office that provides some of the wrap around programs, it was a Wednesday, and they say they have an opening for that evening in a social skills class.  Since we had not fully discussed the weekly activities and there are other programs that we were discussing, I say, "no" to S9 attending this evening.  Tell ex, and also say that I still want to look into this program, and others before committing.  The following day I discuss the W class with the BSC, she recommends go for it.  I call the office back and say, "we're in," and follow up with an e-mail saying same, and copy ex on the e-mail.  So I'm assuming ex gets it, that I did what I told her I would do, learn about the program, and I've now changed my mind and S9 is in the class now.

This past W comes around, S9 is in flag football which ends at 4:30, and the social skills class begins at 5, so ex will have to take him from football to class.   The two locations are literally less than a mile apart.

This is Wed. and we are meeting with the coparent counselor on Thursday.  On Thursday I learn that S9 was not taken to the social skills class.  We go to coparent counseling and the session is as expected, as reported, ex does nothing wrong - it's OK and isolated incidents of arguing in front of the kids at pickups, it's ok to have S9 diagnosed with physical problems like bowel control as his own problems without describing the toxic environment around him and have these discussions with the pediatrician without dad involved, it's OK to schedule activities without discussing with dad, etc.

Ex would behave very narcissistically in this session - she's now certified in special education!

So I ask on Friday, what was the reason for S9 not getting to social skills?  Ex responds, "He had football until 4:30 and the class started at 5.  I thought it too much for him.  Plus, when you said no to the class when I asked I went and scheduled a 5:15 viola class for him."   

This was last Friday, I learn at work and I cannot believe what I'm hearing.  Completely irrational response.  I could not have predicted this zaniness and this is all about ex trying to make me look like the bad guy and simply being defiant.  Of course at the expense of the child.  Two weeks previous, she had stated that she felt S9 could use both the W class and a onene therapist.  Now it's completely different.

Also, the viola classes.  She had asked about a class a few weeks ago and I just did not respond.  So she went ahead and scheduled the activity without telling me and sounds like she'll take him on her days - keeping me out of it.  She also forwarded an e-mail she had sent about baseball, that I did not respond to - but, I had put him in baseball, I just didn't respond to her e-mail, but forwarded the registration confirmation to her after registering S9.

So she knows we are going back to the coparent counselor, she knows we have another hearing coming up.  Why in the world would hse do this now?  Is this an "extinction burst"?  Dysregulation?

My fear is that she took something the Master had said out of context, that he claims to be, "more of an EOW custody guy than a 50:50 guy."  He's new, no family court experience, and the original master has retired. His reasoning is that someone has to be in the lead regardless of the custody arrangement.  So it almost sounds as if ex is putting herself in that "lead" position because she almost rationalized her actions with this while in coparent counseling. 

My fear is that she feels she has the master wrapped around her finger. Despite that bad things I presented in our hearing, nothing has changed other than that we needed to go to coparent counseling which as I stated will be a waste of time.   

 

[Nope]

This all sounds very familiar as my DH's BPDex does the same kinds of things. For what it's worth I don't think she thinks she has the master wrapped around her finger. I think she just simply has absolutely no recognition that there could be consequences. And to be fair, she could be right. She did what she did and now it's up to you, the co-parenting coordinator, and the master to make her accountable. If any one of you aren't willing to have that fight, then as far as she is concerned she is right to do what she has done. I wouldn't call this an extinction burst in as much as I would call it a defiant reminder of who is really in charge. Eventually, after this sort of thing happens, and is clearly documented a bunch of times, the court may finally decide that they can't control her and will give more parenting time and power to the parent who the court can control. So just stay the course and document everything. You are doing great. 

What it came down to in my case is four years of obstruction, bad behavior in front of the kids, and an unwillingness to put the best interest of the kids first before a magistrate finally decided enough was enough. It also took having several professionals testify to having seen the behaviors.

[scraps66]

Thanks you, Nope.

Funny, in an act of trivialization, ex did mention, exaggerated the master's words, that she has continued through allllll of my times taking ehr to court, there haven't been that many in comparison to the non-compliances... .she says accusingly, that she has recevied no consequences for anything.  This is more a testament to the level of incompetence in the courthouse than my "perceived" sensitivities.

There were a number of statements she had made that I can now reconzie in her conversations, subliminal messages and projected statements that actually explain what she is doing, rather than what I am doing.

[Nope]

Funny, in an act of trivialization, ex did mention, exaggerated the master's words, that she has continued through allllll of my times taking ehr to court, there haven't been that many in comparison to the non-compliances... .

Again, sounds very familiar. My DH's BPDex was constantly complaining that DH kept dragging her into court. Their parenting plan said he was supposed to have a minimum of at least 1 phone call per week on a specific time and day. So he took her took court for contempt after a year of often not even getting that. (They live three states away so phone contact is critical.) So then when she was found in contempt she decided "a minimum" was exactly what she had to do. So he only got that. Then when she called him up asking for extra money he asked her to give him more phone calls. She countered with, "It's not my fault, you haven't gotten that fixed in court yet."   

[ForeverDad]

Contempt of Court decisions are, as some have noted, handed out like parking tickets, there's scant attention or consequences given until the stack accumulates.  At some point it ought to impact the court that here's a special needs child who is not prospering.

You're in court because your children do need better.  It's your job to get that message across to the court.  And having it said by the trained professionals will have much more impact than you alone.

I've come to the conclusion that court doesn't try to protect the children from negative environments unless it is far too negative and impacting.  It's like they figure kids don't need The Best, just okay.  In one way that makes sense to me, kids that are coddled from all conflict, all troubles and all consequences could grow up to be Narcissistic and entitled.

[david]

Stay focused on S9. Is the BSC willing to put in writing that the W class is more important than flag football. Addressing the issue head on and getting a professional opinion gives you more strength.

It sounds like ex is in a power struggle with you. If I say it is sunny outside my ex takes the opposite approach too and will argue that bit is dark. I am used to it and have given up trying to co parent with her.

What I have found is that I have meetings with the school where a decision is made. They then contact ex with "their" plan and things go fine. I find working this way has helped our boys much more. I avoid the head on conflict with ex because that is an effort in futility. My ex does follow everyone elses advice so I use that to the kids advantage. Don't know if your situation lets you do that or not.

When I first tried that at their school the principal questioned me about it. He didn't get it. I finally asked him to try it and see how it works. It worked great the first time. He actually called me to say he still didn't get it but it was working for our boys. That was three years ago and that is the way things have been done since then.

[livednlearned]

Despite that bad things I presented in our hearing, nothing has changed other than that we needed to go to coparent counseling which as I stated will be a waste of time.   

 

This could really help you though, in terms of legal strategy. Like david said, stay focused on S9. Stay focused on what is best for your son, and only that. Don't let your ex tug you into arguments -- which is hard, I know. When you feel that boiling over feeling, use that as cue to focus on what is best for S9. "Viola would be a great idea, but I'm very concerned about the issues that require S9 needing a BSC. Let's try to problem solve. Coparenting counselor, can you help us figure out what is best for S9 here?"

The coparenting counselor could be called to testify, no?

[david]

I went through 3 custody evals so far. The first one ex had me upset about her accusations and I was trying to prove she was wrong. That method did not work. The second one I was much calmer and that shifted things in my direction. This last one I didn't address ex's accusations except to say they were not true and I stayed focused on what I thought was best for the boys. I already had a plan on what I thought was best and I stayed focused on that. Ex had nothing to counter what I was proposing except to say she was their mother. When she did try to put a roadblock in my plans I had a solution that did not point out that ex was wrong and I was right even though that is what my plan was doing.

The biggest thing that made the change was I listened and validated my kids for years now. I know them better than ex does so when I gave examples they were real. The evaluator talked to both boys separately and they pretty much verified what I was saying. The evaluator never asked them directly about what their mom or dad said but he asked questions that brought out what we had both said.

I also found solutions for them without involving ex as much as possible. Ex actually brought that up in the last eval. I admitted that it was true and I gave several reasons from past occurences with ex. I never tipped my hand about what I was doing at their school with the separate meetings since that would have sabotaged what has been working.

Ex also brought up the fact that I only communicate through email. I stood firm that I had no intention of being accused of anything false again and pointed out that since I have been recording I haven't been accused of a single thing. That is four years and counting. Prior to that I was accused of something serious about every 6 months. I stated that unless someone else came up with a better idea, and I was willing to hear them, I would continue doing what has worked for four years.

[scraps66]

In one way that makes sense to me, kids that are coddled from all conflict, all troubles and all consequences could grow up to be Narcissistic and entitled.

This is what I fear is happening with S9, though not coddled from conflict, his mother is enmeshed with him, and her reasoning is the same as her own, deny and act as if there is no problem.  So with the one on one aid, if she gets rid of his aid it's as if he's "ok."  Sort of feeds her denial.

About the contempt, I've learned not to go ever again.  It's where they put the bad judges.  Well, the really bad judges.  The judge I had reasoned that a good way of dealing with obstructing telephone contact was to eliminate this from the order altogether.  Yep.

And david, my L also tells me that there are Masters that use the phrase, "Eh, well I just think mothers are better at parenting than dads." Yep.

This new Master actually said, "Well, if you gusy keep coming in here you may run the risk of 'relisting' your case. You guys have 50/50 from the old Master.  Me, I'm 'more of a EOW' kinda guy."  Oh my, does he not know that there is specific criteria used to determine custody.  He also didn't understand that yuo could write an order that had 50/50, but gave full decision making power to one parent.

Apparently my county does not want to dabble in family law, but has to.  So many of the simple black-n-white things are trivialized.  Like the ROFR.  A number of L's told me flat out, "eh, that's really not enforceable."  Basically, they don't wanna deal with it - though it's in the Order.

It's really bad.   

[david]

Find out if there is a Families and Childrens Equality (FACE) meeting near you. They helped me a lot in the beginning with the specifics of my county and how to deal with them. I also found my new atty through them. They meet once every two weeks around here. (bucks county). The really helped guide me through the bs in my county. They know which judges are good and which are nut cases. They have never given me incorrect information on my county. Knowing what to expect and what you can realistically accomplish is a big part of the battle.

I had a judge that did say in the courtroom that it was his opinion "that mom's are better raising small children than dad's are" so I know where you are coming from.

Also, the laws in Pa. were changed last year and judges are now required to put in writing their reasoning for their decision. That is why I have stressed on posts here that evidence is important and needs to be introduced. Judges must base their ruling on evidence. If they disregard solid evidence they can be appealed and challenged. Yes it does cost  $$$$. I passed the six figure mark already and am finally near a where I think the two boys will be helped. Ex used the courts to delay($$$) as much as possible without her spending as much. I gathered that info and it has been used as evidence. That puts the judge on alert and he/she knows they have to make sure they are covering their butt. Of course, it is all done in a pleasant manner like the courts expect.