Looking for advice or just knowing other are there like me. :)

[Lostmama]

Describe Relationship:   I am a 47 year old married woman. We adopted my niece who is my my dd who has BPD. On top of BPD she has attachment disorder towards me. This is my life story. My parents could not havechildren so they adopted two girls and suddenly my mother gave birth to me My oldest sister was always out of control. She developed brain cancer, got pregnant, had a baby girl and died about two years later. The two years where not good. She went thru chemotherapy and also was in a fire that burned her. My husband and I took the baby girl for about seven months and then bio dad wanted to try to be a dad. That lasted less then 6 months. Got gaurdenship of child and raised her as my dd until third grade. Bio dad had remarried and thought they would like her back. This broke my heart. I had my own bio daughter now that lost her sister too. Things where not good. Bio dad would not let me have any contact with (in my heart) my dd. At the end of fourth grade bio dad could not handle her and was farming her out to whatever babysitter would watch her. I heard this and called him and say we would take her. He said fine and we adopted her. My family was back together. I thought love and family would fix all. Little did I know. 6 years later I find myself here'! Totally lost and confused, not know what to do or how to get help. This is me!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[gizmogal]

Hello,

As a child from a dysfunctional family and being adopted myself, i can possibly try to help you relate and understand her. I know that personally i made life for my loved ones a living heaven/hell that got worse with age (especially my teen years) so the sooner you learn to work with it and her as well, the better off you will be. I am very happy that you were willing to take on this responsibility and, like my own mother, haven't given up. That alone is an incredible character reference. I wish you all the best of luck!

[lever.]

Hello lostmama 

Your story makes sad reading both for you and your daughter-so many horrid experiences that have been out of your control.

How old is your daughter now and what particular difficulties does she have?

There is a lot of information here both in the tools on the right hand side of the board and the lessons at the top of the board to help your communication with your daughter.

Please post more so that we can direct you to the most appropriate help.

Your love and commitment shine through and that will greatly help her-it is also helpful to have specific advice on how best to communicate and defuse difficult situations.

I hope you will tell us more of your situation.

There are  people on this board  who will have had similar experiences. We care and we want to help.

[tristesse]

welcome lostmama

This is definitely the place to be. My BPDd is 30 and has been struggling with the dis order as long as I can remember, this board has brought me so much comfort and hope over the last few months, and I am sure it can do the same for you.

You have a terrible lot going on, and it can get overwhelming. please use the tools and read read read the information, it can be most helpful. There are other members here who are experiencing much the same stuff as you, and can offer helpful suggestions and advice.

Good luck to you, and keep us posted and informed.

[qcarolr]

Hi lostmama,

So much for you and your most loved girl. In your profile you mention that your DD is 16. From my experience with my BPDDD28, those teen years were so out of control for the whole family. We just did not know what to do, even with therapy for dh and I. We had such strong denial and weak, inconsistent boundaries.

Is your DD in therapy? It sounds like she has been dx'd with BPD and some attachment issues. I am finding that these really often go together. She has been pulled back and forth with so many rejections from her bio dad. The change in 3rd grade - right at the stage of learning so many social skills.

Would sure be a good thing if the child's best interest could truly be at the center of the family court laws. That is another story for another topic.

Were you and your sister from the same family before adopted? Just curious. The biological markers for developing BPD are real, the impact of attachment and development are evident in so much neurological research being published recently, and the differences in siblings resiliency is significant in their development too.

As you are able to work through the TOOLS and LESSONS in the sidebar there is real hope for things to get better. Each of our kids are complex in their own unique ways and the skills I have learned work in all my relationships. They work with my DD and with my dh and my gd9. SHe has always lived with us. Dh and I are really her parents, though adoption will most likely never be an option we would pursue. Gd also has issues - the biological ones of ADHD and possible mood disorder; attachment and PTSD issues, lots of anxiety. She is also a very sensitive person and very cautious of new things. I have hope that my learning and practicing will help lessen any impacts that BPD might have on her.

Be sure an click on "Foundational Reading" to the right. There are books that have been invaluable. The most parent/child focused one is "Overcoming BPD" by Valerie Porr. Over the past 5 years I have read all 4, some parts more than once. The videos there are really based on adolescents - they will jump start you with your D. And the dad's sometimes are more open to watching a video than reading a book! What do you think your dh would prefer?

What kind of support do you have in your local community? A T or close friend that understands? What things help you put some energy into taking care of yourself? This is a big challenge for so many of us here. We put all we have into our kids and end up burned out and used up. Keeping healthy and strong ourselves is often a first step to things getting better.

Please keep coming back to share more of your story as you feel ready. We care. We understand.

qcr

ps. if you want more info about some great attachment resources let me know and I will post some links. The model that works with my gd comes out of foster and adopt families.

[qcarolr]

Here are the attachment focused links:

"Brain-Based Parenting" by Daniel Hughes  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195469.0

The first half of this book summarizes the interpersonal neuroscience of development of attachment. Dan Hughes has a long history of working with foster and adopt families with difficult children. The second half works through his model for helping these kids, first by work with the parents, then with the child.

"Creating Loving Attachments" by Kim Golding and Daniel Hughes   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195443.msg12164532

Ms. Golding is a parent and a therapist that has worked with Dan. She has publications for training professoinals in Attachment Focused Family Therapy. The county mental health center that my gd and DD go to is using this approach with the child and family area. I also see this coming into play with my DD in her adult therapy - ie. looking at her attachment issues and the impact on her current mental health issues. This was book was my first exposure to attachment.

The other person that has an overlapping model for helping kids like ours is Heather Forbes. Her web site is beyondconsequences.com  My favorite book of hers is ":)are to Love". Her books are very straight forward. Dare to Love uses a parent Q&A format to share how to manage different situations.

www.amazon.com/Dare-Love-Parenting-Difficult-Behaviors/dp/0977704068/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1411769075&sr=1-4

I have read all four of her books. When I read the first one about 4 years ago I did not finish it. I was just not ready to hear what it had to say. I think it brought up a lot of emotion around my own 'attachment' issues. I have been working in my own therapy on these issues and this has really helped me. It also helps me with applying the many good tools I have learned here at bpdfamily.

qcr