Make lemonaide

[upsidedown_world]

Ok so this is a different sort of post.  Maybe I'm finally losing it.

If life gives you lemons, make lemonaide.

If life gives you someone with BPD and you want to make it work, maybe you need to make lemonaide.

In other words... .

Knowing how someone with BPD works, can we go about this differently, actually employing their own dynamic in achieving OUR goals for the common good of the relationship?  Is there a way to more or less "tap into their assets" or the way they tick, to make it work FOR the relationship instead of fighting it every step of the way?  Can we help them to get their own issues to work FOR them instead of against them in a relationship environment?

Instead of pushing buttons or triggers that make our own lives miserable, can we adapt to think outside the box, so we're learning to push buttons that make our lives and relationships BETTER?  How would this translate into something practical?

The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

[thereishope]

I like this thought... .Hopefully others elaborate on ideas of how to do this... .While I'm here figuring out what to do in the long run, I feel like it would be good for me to make lemonade... .Thank you for sharing! 

[upsidedown_world]

One observation I've made is that my dBPDw is great at jumping to someone else's rescue.  Perhaps if I bring more of my own (work related, etc) problems to the table and allow her to "solve them", it will distract and reroute energy, creating a win-win (as long as I agree with her, or "seem to". 

The problems really come up and increase in frequency and severity when she has the opportunity to be self-absorbed.

Does this ring true as a standard?

[thereishope]

One observation I've made is that my dBPDw is great at jumping to someone else's rescue.  Perhaps if I bring more of my own (work related, etc) problems to the table and allow her to "solve them", it will distract and reroute energy, creating a win-win (as long as I agree with her, or "seem to". 

The problems really come up and increase in frequency and severity when she has the opportunity to be self-absorbed.

Does this ring true as a standard?

I totally agree... .When I have "focused on" uBPDh's self-absorption, we get ALL TANGLED UP and go off on a FOGGY tangent very easily... .on the other hand... .he is WAY READY TO "HELP" me solve all of my own inadequacies/"problems"... .

Not sure it is a good thing allowing him to think he knows better than me how to do everything though... .He often "offers suggestions" (= tells me how to do things or how to change the way I do things to do them his way)... .Not sure if allowing him to continue to be the ruler of my universe as I have been doing... .is making lemonade... .I tend to think not... . 

Seems like a bit of healing in this place recently has been NOT ALLOWING him to rule all things with BPD... .but instead to stand against the lies BPD tries to tell and simply not let them control my emotions or the situation... .This has seemed to tone down the control that BPD has, even in my uBPDh... .Things are less harsh and we are recovering more quickly from upsets... .I think he is also choosing to let some things go instead of addressing everything too... . 

[upsidedown_world]

I totally agree... .When I have "focused on" uBPDh's self-absorption, we get ALL TANGLED UP and go off on a FOGGY tangent very easily... .on the other hand... .he is WAY READY TO "HELP" me solve all of my own inadequacies/"problems"... .

Not sure it is a good thing allowing him to think he knows better than me how to do everything though... .He often "offers suggestions" (= tells me how to do things or how to change the way I do things to do them his way)... .Not sure if allowing him to continue to be the ruler of my universe as I have been doing... .is making lemonade... .I tend to think not... . 

Seems like a bit of healing in this place recently has been NOT ALLOWING him to rule all things with BPD... .but instead to stand against the lies BPD tries to tell and simply not let them control my emotions or the situation... .This has seemed to tone down the control that BPD has, even in my uBPDh... .Things are less harsh and we are recovering more quickly from upsets... .I think he is also choosing to let some things go instead of addressing everything too... . 

What about letting him solve problems elsewhere (not yours), just by bringing them up?

[thereishope]

I totally agree... .When I have "focused on" uBPDh's self-absorption, we get ALL TANGLED UP and go off on a FOGGY tangent very easily... .on the other hand... .he is WAY READY TO "HELP" me solve all of my own inadequacies/"problems"... .

Not sure it is a good thing allowing him to think he knows better than me how to do everything though... .He often "offers suggestions" (= tells me how to do things or how to change the way I do things to do them his way)... .Not sure if allowing him to continue to be the ruler of my universe as I have been doing... .is making lemonade... .I tend to think not... . 

Seems like a bit of healing in this place recently has been NOT ALLOWING him to rule all things with BPD... .but instead to stand against the lies BPD tries to tell and simply not let them control my emotions or the situation... .This has seemed to tone down the control that BPD has, even in my uBPDh... .Things are less harsh and we are recovering more quickly from upsets... .I think he is also choosing to let some things go instead of addressing everything too... . 

What about letting him solve problems elsewhere (not yours), just by bringing them up?

Can you give me an example of what this might look like?  It is an interesting idea.

[upsidedown_world]

I totally agree... .When I have "focused on" uBPDh's self-absorption, we get ALL TANGLED UP and go off on a FOGGY tangent very easily... .on the other hand... .he is WAY READY TO "HELP" me solve all of my own inadequacies/"problems"... .

Not sure it is a good thing allowing him to think he knows better than me how to do everything though... .He often "offers suggestions" (= tells me how to do things or how to change the way I do things to do them his way)... .Not sure if allowing him to continue to be the ruler of my universe as I have been doing... .is making lemonade... .I tend to think not... . 

Seems like a bit of healing in this place recently has been NOT ALLOWING him to rule all things with BPD... .but instead to stand against the lies BPD tries to tell and simply not let them control my emotions or the situation... .This has seemed to tone down the control that BPD has, even in my uBPDh... .Things are less harsh and we are recovering more quickly from upsets... .I think he is also choosing to let some things go instead of addressing everything too... . 

What about letting him solve problems elsewhere (not yours), just by bringing them up?

Can you give me an example of what this might look like?  It is an interesting idea.

I guess it would look like a problem that you are aware of but it's not critical how it's solved.  More or less a bone to chew on so they're not looking for the next meal.  It could be a personal issue about someone else (other people's problems always seem to make my dBPDw feel better about herself), a "project" you're "not sure how to best tackle", etc.  Anything that redirects their energy away from themselves and makes them feel better about giving advice or taking something on and succeeding (just AVOID any critical review of their suggestions or KABOOM).

[upsidedown_world]

Seems like a bit of healing in this place recently has been NOT ALLOWING him to rule all things with BPD... .but instead to stand against the lies BPD tries to tell and simply not let them control my emotions or the situation... .This has seemed to tone down the control that BPD has, even in my uBPDh... .Things are less harsh and we are recovering more quickly from upsets... .I think he is also choosing to let some things go instead of addressing everything too... . 

Just curious, how do you NOT get split black or your comments being slotted into emotional abandonment when you're "standing against the lies BPD tries to tell"?  What are you doing to defuse that black/white thinking?  Every time I personally try to keep calm and rational, it's interpreted like I've "chosen" to INvalidate her.

[thereishope]

Seems like a bit of healing in this place recently has been NOT ALLOWING him to rule all things with BPD... .but instead to stand against the lies BPD tries to tell and simply not let them control my emotions or the situation... .This has seemed to tone down the control that BPD has, even in my uBPDh... .Things are less harsh and we are recovering more quickly from upsets... .I think he is also choosing to let some things go instead of addressing everything too... . 

Just curious, how do you NOT get split black or your comments being slotted into emotional abandonment when you're "standing against the lies BPD tries to tell"?  What are you doing to defuse that black/white thinking?  Every time I personally try to keep calm and rational, it's interpreted like I've "chosen" to INvalidate her.

I guess every situation is different... .it just seems like I'm learning to stand on truth more (simply because I can't submit to how stupid the BPD lies are much anymore)... .so I state how things REALLY HAPPENED and then  drop it.  I'm no longer trying to "explain" to uBPDh about my behavior anymore.  I'm stating facts... .Like, "I know I could have said what I said a bit differently so it could have come across to you better, but I actually WAS NOT feeling insecure like you thought I was.  You didn't have to give me the evil eye, AND walking out to the truck to make peace with you WAS NOT making a fool out of myself like you said."  I texted this to uBPDh when he was outside working.  He came inside later and was just fine.  The truth really does shut some things up.  I guess another way to say this is that I'm no longer "cowering" beneath the BPD accusations any longer.  If what he is saying is not truth, I am saying so.  It doesn't matter if he accepts the real truth or not.  It is what it is and I can have peace acknowledging it and not going any further into an argument about the lies he's trying to project.  Also, I am still trying to validate his feelings while doing this.  I'm just not validating lies.