He kidnapped our son.

[ForeverDad]

Technicalities rule the day in court.  My ex traded a day with me during Spring Break week when my son was in kindergarten.  This was before I learned the lesson to get my end of the trade first or else I risked never getting my end of the trade.)  She had previously said she would go during SB but then I never heard anything more, no dates and nothing in writing, then she wanted to trade a day and there we were in the midst of SB and she hadn't left.  Well, when I went to get son that Friday she had traded to me, he wasn't at daycare, I called her and she was already states away. Turns out she was gone the week after SB and son missed an entire week of school.  I filed Contempt of Court.  My lawyer said it was a sure thing, she didn't meet the vacation notice requirements in either the old or new orders.  However... .magistrate ruled she was not "technically" in contempt!  (Quotes were written right in the order.)  Magistrate reasoned that her lack of written notice and lack of any specific dates didn't matter since it was just a few weeks after the Final Decree and therefore (1) the old order she violated had ended and (2) the new order she violated was "too new" and she had an "inability to comply".   Apparently it didn't matter that she never even made the slightest effort to comply because it was unenforceable.  Darn!  I should have added a clause in the settlement to cover transition issues, like you'd find in contracts, such as "In the event of disputes then {this or that} applies."  Who would have anticipated that?  No one!

Unfortunately the ones who make an effort to do it right too often suffer from the technicalities and the messed up squeaky wheels manage to slickly slip through the rules without consequences.

[mrsthomps]

oh, that's a good reason for a judge to put a kid at risk - a technicality!  guess that's why we need lawyers, unfortunately

This is all extremely frustrating! Our first go 'round in court, I attempted to get a clause in our plan that prevented my son's father's ex wife to ever have time alone with him.

I displayed text messages from my ex in which he was refusing to bring back our then 3 month old son. He was telling me that he had left our son with his ex wife who was breastfeeding him for me. I proceeded to get very upset in the texts and tell him that even if that wasn't true, those allegations regarding his ex made me too uncomfortable for her to ever be around my son unsupervised. Not to mention, I had more than one instance of proof where they abused one another in front of their own kid. The judge ruled that I must have had postpartum depression and had pushed my ex to the point where he felt that he needed to say those things to me to shake me into reality. I'm sorry, WHAT?   Needless to say, my L immediately requested a change of judge.

[momtara]

Reading all of the messages on this post, your ex has been suicidal, threatening, and out of his mind.  remember all that when you go into court, even if he calms down.  I don't see how he should get any custody until he is the right treatment for a loong time. 

[livednlearned]

My takeaway from reading is that you have to remember the golden rule of family court is that it's ALL about the well-being of the child. Not you. The child.

Everything you do, everything you say, every emotion you express -- it's about your child. It is not about the relationship between you and your ex anymore. It's about your child 100%. If your ex screams at you, court doesn't care. If your ex screams at your child, it will sit up and pay attention. The court expects you to be the grown-up and in high-conflict divorces, the court often assumes that both parties are acting like idiots. You have to demonstrate that you are the stable parent. Your ex is going to drag you down into the mud pit and you can't go there.

Every time you walk into court, be ready to propose a solution that is reasonable under the circumstances.

That means avoiding inflammatory language, even if it describes exactly how you feel, or exactly what he did.

If you ask something of your ex, and court knows nothing about you or him, then be prepared for those conditions to apply to you as well. If you ask for a clause that says the minor child cannot be around the significant other of the child's father, then the court is going to apply that condition to you as well. Maybe that's ok if you don't plan to date for the next 18 years, but my guess is you plan to one day be in a relationship again.

There is logic to the way court works and you have to figure it out, otherwise you're going to get hammered. The judge is looking for reasonable solutions, and if you can't come up with them, then you're going to get a cookie cutter ruling that punishes both of you.

Find out what your lawyer's strategy is, and learn how things work in your state. Otherwise this is going to continue the way it began, with you on the defensive and feeling reactive when you should have a clear advantage in court.

The judge may not be a good judge -- that's entirely possible. But ask your L for candid feedback. Is there anything you did or said that may have created an unfavorable impression? I don't know if there was or wasn't -- but you're the mom of an infant, and you should have the advantage. Something is wrong and you need to find out what it is so you can avoid it going forward.

Maybe ask your L, or go sit in family court for a few hours and just watch how other cases go. You can learn a lot that way.

[momtara]

That's advice a lot of us can use in general.

Although I'm not sure about the significant other thing - if there is a reason to worry about that person, I don't see why it would necessarily apply to both.  But that's if you can prove a problem.

[livednlearned]

That's advice a lot of us can use in general.

Although I'm not sure about the significant other thing - if there is a reason to worry about that person, I don't see why it would necessarily apply to both.  But that's if you can prove a problem.

My L told me the first year after a couple splits up, the court often assumes it's just heat of passion stuff. If you can behave 110% like the stable, consistent, grown-up parent, and there is a serious incident, or the ex's new SO is a felon, has a history of child molestation, is a drug user, or hits the kids, then maybe you can make a case for not allowing your child to spend time with the new SO.

But is that a reasonable thing to enforce? Every time your ex takes your child to this new woman, you're going to file a contempt of court? And if they are married, then what?

It's just going to look like drama and passion over a new flame. And not about the child.

Some parents do have something in their consent order or parenting plan that says no new BFs or GFs can spend the night during visitation for the first year while the kids adjust.

The thing a lot of people don't realize is that whatever the judge rules, you are the one who has to enforce it by bringing it back to court.

[mrsthomps]

That's advice a lot of us can use in general.

Although I'm not sure about the significant other thing - if there is a reason to worry about that person, I don't see why it would necessarily apply to both.  But that's if you can prove a problem.

My L told me the first year after a couple splits up, the court often assumes it's just heat of passion stuff. If you can behave 110% like the stable, consistent, grown-up parent, and there is a serious incident, or the ex's new SO is a felon, has a history of child molestation, is a drug user, or hits the kids, then maybe you can make a case for not allowing your child to spend time with the new SO.

But is that a reasonable thing to enforce? Every time your ex takes your child to this new woman, you're going to file a contempt of court? And if they are married, then what?

It's just going to look like drama and passion over a new flame. And not about the child.

Some parents do have something in their consent order or parenting plan that says no new BFs or GFs can spend the night during visitation for the first year while the kids adjust.

The thing a lot of people don't realize is that whatever the judge rules, you are the one who has to enforce it by bringing it back to court.

I guess my thing is that it isn't about my ex's new gf. I don't mind him dating or bringing his new lady friend around our son. What I do mind is him dropping off our kid with his EX WIFE and refusing to tell me where they are when it isn't his parenting time. I should have been clear about what had happened, sorry!