in need of support

[njva4]

My 16 year old is in the hospital. She made a comment to me while we were in the hallway of a psychiatrist office, She told me she "would rather slice my throat then be sent to another hospital" A policeman was walking in the hallway and heard the part about " slicing her throat " and reported it. the Psychiatrist  then got an ECO and had her taken to the emergency room where a crisis counselor could talk to her The crisis counselor talked to the psychiatrist and decided to get an TDO on her without even talking to my daughter. Yes I know what she said wasn't appropriate  but she was telling me how she felt, which is a coping skill she learned while in the last hospital she was in.  She has been in the hospital since Monday, they called to tell me they recommend for her to go to a residential home for three months that is at least 5 hours away from home.  We had a truancy meeting today, The school thinks the recommendation of sending her away is valid and they told me if i didnt send her voluntarily then they will get a chins on her and recommend that the judge send her to that hospital. That being said... .I am torn up about it  she is my baby and i want to protect her from all this. I want to take her and just run away. I love her so much I dont know what to do. My nerves are shot. I know she needs the treatments  I know she ill be better when she recieves the therapy ... .how do I do this?  How do I toughen up and make the right decision ?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[chooselove]

I hope you can get some help from a professional who is skilled in BPD counseling, too.  I know that protective sense and how overwhelmingly it influences the ways we choose to help our children. I remember my own fantasies of dropping my entire life and wanting to make the world go away for my broken hearted daughter.   I'm feeling grateful that your daughter has this opportunity to get some help and the upside is that it wasn't you who had to force the circumstance so perhaps she won't hold so much blame toward you for the decision.   How serendipitous of her to say what she said at the exact time a police officer was within hearing range.  I get the feeling that you and her guardian angels were at work behind the scenes.  As you said, your nerves are shot. I hope while she is getting the treatment you can get some good rest and counseling, too.  After many decades of dealing with this, I have come to see my partnership in my daughter's decisions, dependencies and rages.  We need to have our own brains rewired, too, in order for the healing to begin.  It's not just them. 

[qcarolr]

njva4

Sometimes the intensity of our love and feelings of protectiveness get in the way of getting the whole picture. I went back to your profile and see what a struggle this is. I was there with my BPDDD28, though the BPD part I never heard of until she was 23. It fit her so well, 9 out of 9 criteria! It does not really matter if it is called "BPD Tendencies" or BPD as long as the treatment is appropriate to help her gain skills to manage her self-destructive actions.

Have you explored the links in the sidebar>> >> There is a lot of good information there. Start at the top of the list, especially with the tools. The foundational reading includes some videos that are based on adolescent treatment including hospital settings. They might be a really good place to start.

What are you doing for yourself? I too have my own struggles with bipolar II disorder. I was 35 when first dx'd and DD was age 3. Her difficult behaviors and undiagnosed non-verbal learning disabilities really triggered my own mental health issues. I have learned to let go of my intense guilt about the many times I was really not there for her when she was young and I was caught in my own dysfunctional world.

Finding daily ways to take care of myself is essential for me to be able to do my best for my DD28 and my gd9 (who lives with dh and I, we have custody since she was a baby). Well dh is important too !

What things help you to stay grounded and stable? Are you seeing a T for yourself? Does that T understand about BPD and how your DD can trigger you? Do have family or friends that understand the dynamics of your family? Do you get support for your other kids when so much energy is going to your DD? You are worth the effort of self-care. I was amazed how much better I am able to use all the tools I have when able to be in a calm, grounded place. It is an ongoing, daily process with lots of individuals in my support network. I did not have this support when DD was younger - I had a fantasy that I could figure it out. Dh is a very independent minded person - he figured she would out grow it or just get over it magically when she turned 18!


Keep coming back. We care. We understand. We want to help. Let us know what you need.

qcr

[njva4]

I have a question... .my daughter is on medicaid which is state funding... anyway when she is put into the residential treatment does anyone know if medicaid will pay for it?  i am very very low income  721 a month and have 4 kids   and I can not afford to pay for this. What is the difference in voluntary and court ordered what is the difference?

[Rapt Reader]

I'm not sure if court-ordered or voluntary admission makes a difference, but my son (who is 37) is also on Medicaid, and 2 years ago it did cover one of his 2 Rehabs (the first was a private company, and they wouldn't pay for that; the 2nd was a state run facility, and Medicaid did pay for that). And last year he spent 21 days at a Dual Diagnosis Program (where he was finally diagnosed with BPD), and Medicaid did pay for it. That wasn't a state run program, and it was even in a different state than the one we live in.

Is there someone you can call to find out if it will be covered? I'm not sure what state you live in, but in mine I can just call an 800 number for all sorts of information (he always tells them that they can talk to me). If you have paperwork regarding her coverage, that should have some sort of contact information... .I know I made sure he was covered prior to his admission; his OutPatient Therapist actually arranged for all the paperwork for the Dual Diagnosis Program (and also the last Rehab he went to, 2 years ago, that was covered). Good luck 

[Elbry]

In my state, Maine, Medicaid does pay for Residential but they have to approve it and it isn't necessarily easy to get it approved.  :)o you have a Case Manager?  If not, it's time to get one.  They handle all these arrangements for you.  Medicaid pays for the CM.  I adore my DD's, I just make one phone call to her and whatever we need as far as referrals or appointments or meetings, she arranges for us and calls me back.  The P office may also have CM services, if not they should know where you can find one.  The process of getting into RTC in my state is very daunting, we are going through it right now, and our CM is handling everything.  

She had to gather information from everyone who has treated my DD in the past year, (psych hospitals, crisis units, therapists, med managers, primary care doctors, crisis workers, ER visits, ICU stays, everything) get letters written from her T and P, get releases for everyone etc.  Once she gathered all that information, it has to be submitted to medicaid for approval to see if they will pay for the service.  Then if they deny we can appeal, if they approve we actually apply to the Residential facility.  We are waiting right now on approval/deny, it was submitted yesterday and they have 3 days to answer.  

I understand how difficult it is to make the decision to send her to a RTC.  Many of us here have struggled and agonized over that same decision.  I love my DD so much and I will miss her terribly if she is gone from home for several months.  But we have tried all the services available to us at home and nothing has worked for her.  She continues to have suicide attempts so we have to try something else to help her.  Keep us posted.