Strategies for helping our teens have fun without meltdown after event

[qcarolr]

I get a newsletter via email from beyondconsequences.com  The parent Q&A on the one I got today could be helpful for many of the parents here with teens. Heather Forbes, the founder, comes to this with daughters adopted from Russia. They suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder. She trained as an LCSW to make her life better. I went to one of her workshops and have read her books. Her stress based model fits in with the BPD Family Connections tools we have here. Your comments, comparisons, experiences, etc. in response to this article are so valuable.

   

   

   Q: My 15-year-old daughter can have a great fun family day and then predictably follow-up with a major meltdown. While I understand that these great times are also extremely stressful times, can you give me specific suggestions on how to prepare her for these fun times and manage these times better to avoid the meltdowns afterwards?


A: Preparation ahead of time will help your daughter to create more safety and predictability around a fun event. At 15 years old, she is cognizant enough to be taught why this happens and how her system reacts to such events, even fun events.   

Draw the graph of the Window of Stress Tolerance (See Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, Volume 2 for an entire illustrated chapter on the Window of Stress Tolerance). Explain to her how these types of events can stress out her system. Help her to accept herself with the knowledge that these types of events with numerous people and lots of stimulation, are putting her in a place of overwhelm. She is simply reaching her breaking point.

Even though these events are fun, the fact remains that the environment is different, there are people she may not know, the activities may be new, and the location is unfamiliar. All of these variables are going to be a threat to her. This will require her to work exceptionally hard to maintain her regulation during the event. By the time she returns home from "fun," her nervous system is overloaded and overextended. Thus, the "meltdown" becomes her only choice.

It is incredibly empowering to help a child understand why this happens and why her system is easily overwhelmed.

Additionally, give her as much information ahead of time as to what to expect. Is this a birthday party? Are you going to the bowling alley, to a park for a picnic, or over to an unfamiliar home? Who is going to be there? What is going to be happening? What kind of activities will she be asked to join into?

Help her in her mind's eye to be able to create this new environment and to experience it ahead of time. Help her to walk through in advance as to what to expect and create a sense of familiarity with her. The goal is to decrease surprises and increase her sense of knowing.

Give your daughter a plan of action. At any time that she is at this event, invite and encourage her to come to you if she is feeling overwhelmed. Give her the permission to come to you and seek you for regulation. She needs this, even at 15 years old, because emotionally she is much younger. Give her the option of taking a break from the event. Jointly, you two can create an "escape" plan ahead of time.

Perhaps the plan is to go with her to the car and leave the event temporarily (reassuring her that she can go back when she is ready). You can help her to regulate by taking some deep breaths, listening to music, or talking and reconnecting within the context of your relationship with her, away from the event. Essentially, you'll be giving her a "time-in" in order to return back to a state of calm and balance.

Interrupting the fun for just a few moments may be exactly what she needs in order not to reach her breaking point by the end of the event. Instead of a three-hour long party that taxes her nervous system to her meltdown edge, she will be able to take a break from the constant barrage of activity, regroup, reregulate, and maintain a stronger sense of balance throughout.

Relate this to your own experiences. Many of us absolutely need this type of interruption from intense activities, even as adults. If we are at a stimulating event, we naturally find ourselves taking a break outside, checking our phone, or disconnecting in some other way, momentarily, to regroup ourselves.

As a parent, we have to also realize that when we return home, as much as we do to help our children during the event, they might have to struggle. If you come back home and expect her to be okay, you are setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment. She may not be able to come back home easily and comfortably, despite your best efforts.

Lower your expectations according to what is her normal and to what is her nervous system's capability. If you are expecting her to come home and to be okay and she is not, then you have created a very large gap between her reality and your reality.

Press on and I hope you are able to have fun times, with minimal "aftermath." We all deserve to have more fun in your families. So, be courageous and keep reintroducing joy back into your life!

Love never fails!

Press on,   

Heather       

                       

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW

Parent and Author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2,

Dare to Love, and Help for Billy.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

That is really some very good information, qcarolr 

I remember that we found that my BPD son started dysregulating after any type of stress--whether happy or aggravating to him--as far back as when he was an infant. Knowing nothing about ADD, Anxiety or BPD (all diagnoses he subsequently received after turning 20), we first chalked it up to "colic" (as an infant), "sensitivity" (as a toddler), and beyond that my Husband thought he was just a "difficult kid" and I knew there was something going on with him, but couldn't get anyone to tell me what it was (he was born in 1977, so no one actually knew what it was!). Life with him was always a guessing game as to what it was that provoked his dysregulations, though I knew that all sorts of stress had some sort of blowback with him.

I wish I'd known what I know now about BPD (and even the ADD that I know for a fact was there, and probably the fallout from that is what caused the BPD to blossom), and the advice in your post would've been very helpful had I known it during his younger days.

I do know that we would try to prepare him ahead of time for any anticipated stress, by bringing his favorite toys to comfort him when he was little, to encouraging him to bring his headphones and music as he got older. We even bought a mini-van when he was around 11 so that he could have his own bench seat to move around in and stretch out in and doze, and his younger brother would have the other one, so that their interactions would be less volatile once dysregulations would happen. We had them bring pillows and blankets; this was a pretty good solution when we went to Attractions that we knew would cause BPD son to dysregulate after a wonderful day of fun 

[lever.]

Although my daughter is far beyond her teens now I think looking at things this way will be useful to me and help with my grandchildren.

My daughter  has always become very disregulated when anything out of the ordinary occurred eg birthday parties, weddings, holidays.

I am only just beginning to understand what was going on for her. I used to think that she was deliberately spoiling family occasions and feel annoyed with her.

I can relate it to my own experience of becoming overly stressed in highly stimulating (hot, noisy,bright) environments and needing to take a break. I can now see that my daughter's tolerance is set even lower.

I wish that I had read some of these strategies to help when she was a teenager.

My young grandson finds change difficult to cope with-I will try some of the visualisation etc with him.

[theplotthickens]

This is wonderful!  Thank you for posting it, as I am going to look into her materials further.  It helps me cope so much by figuring out what I CAN do as a parent.  Thank you, thank you!