No good, crappy day

[jessmomof8]

Why do people, who have never met my child or evaluated her in person, keep trying to tell me that there is NO way she can have BPD?  Yes, I know it's rare to be diagnosed in a 14yo.  Do you have any idea how many rare things my kids/family does/has been diagnosed with? 

Unless you live with my child or are one of my child's actual care providers, don't tell me what you think.  To be honest, I really don't even CARE what her diagnosis even is, I just want to get her help before she actually kills herself or continues to live a miserable life.   :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mamaafrika]

Jessmom

I SO agree with everything you have said. My son is only 11 so I get even more raised eyebrows. Surely, surely the earlier we can start helping them develop strategies to deal with their lives the better?  The diagnosis points us in a particular direction research wise, but I agree that its not the be all and end all. Nobody, not even the most skilled and astute professionals, really know what's going on with our kids that are so young, but there are certainly enough red flags to indicate that they need help NOW.  I am so thankful we have the space to put some safety mechanisms and behavioural strategies in to place before he reaches adolescence.  Who knows what his dx will be at 25? Who cares? We have to manage what is in front of us right now.

[jessmomof8]

I SO agree with everything you have said. My son is only 11 so I get even more raised eyebrows. Surely, surely the earlier we can start helping them develop strategies to deal with their lives the better?  The diagnosis points us in a particular direction research wise, but I agree that its not the be all and end all. Nobody, not even the most skilled and astute professionals, really know what's going on with our kids that are so young, but there are certainly enough red flags to indicate that they need help NOW.  I am so thankful we have the space to put some safety mechanisms and behavioural strategies in to place before he reaches adolescence.  Who knows what his dx will be at 25? Who cares? We have to manage what is in front of us right now.

Yes, yes, yes!  Wouldn't it be better to start as soon as possible to try to get the best results?  Wouldn't it be better to teach them different modes of thinking before the ways that they are thinking are more cemented in their brains? 

[Elbry]

I hear you Jess.  I'm tired of it too.  One time at an emergency eval, the evaluator insisted she didn't have BPD, she is just a depressed teen acting out he said.  This after knowing her for all of 20 minutes.   

You want to know what has me all riled up in a rage today?  This thing where people say " she's just trying to get attention".  Yet another person said it to me, she's JUST trying to get attention because her dad doesn't pay attention to her. She doesn't cut her body up and hide it JUST to get attention.  She doesn't have volatile horrible mood swings JUST to get attention.  She didn't cut her wrists, her feet, her chest, her arms and her neck "trying to find an artery so I would bleed out" JUST to get attention.  She hasn't had 3 overdoses JUST to get attention.  50,000 mg of Tylenol is not JUST to get attention.  It's lethal. That's what it is.  Twice now without medical intervention she would have DIED.  Sometimes I get so angry, I want to scream at people that if they don't have something helpful to say, just keep their mouths shut and their opinions to themselves.  They have NO IDEA what it's like for us.

Does my DD want attention?  Of course.  Is she mad at her dad because he has been absent from her life since she was 3.  Yes.  But it is a gross over simplification to say everything is just to get daddy's attention.  It's such a complicated web of symptoms, normal/abnormal, age appropriate/inappropriate behaviors... .it boggles the mind  .  Even my DH says she is just trying to get attention sometimes.  It's a good thing I'm not a violent person.   

And I know EXACTLY what you mean:

  To be honest, I really don't even CARE what her diagnosis even is, I just want to get her help before she actually kills herself or continues to live a miserable life.   :'(

I just want to help her no matter what she actually has.  She is so amazing and I just love her so much.  She could be anything and if she could only see a tiny part of what I see in her it would make such a difference. 

[pessim-optimist]

So sorry jessmom, that this was a crappy day. 

Was this person in a decision-making position regarding your dd? Your dd is fortunate that she has you as her advocate - you know her best and you won't give up on her. She's in good hands... .

How are you today?

[jessmomof8]

I hear you Jess.  I'm tired of it too.  One time at an emergency eval, the evaluator insisted she didn't have BPD, she is just a depressed teen acting out he said.  This after knowing her for all of 20 minutes. 

 

You want to know what has me all riled up in a rage today?  This thing where people say " she's just trying to get attention".  Yet another person said it to me, she's JUST trying to get attention because her dad doesn't pay attention to her. She doesn't cut her body up and hide it JUST to get attention.  She doesn't have volatile horrible mood swings JUST to get attention.  She didn't cut her wrists, her feet, her chest, her arms and her neck "trying to find an artery so I would bleed out" JUST to get attention.  She hasn't had 3 overdoses JUST to get attention.  50,000 mg of Tylenol is not JUST to get attention.  It's lethal. That's what it is.  Twice now without medical intervention she would have DIED.  Sometimes I get so angry, I want to scream at people that if they don't have something helpful to say, just keep their mouths shut and their opinions to themselves.  They have NO IDEA what it's like for us.

Oh brother!  So not helpful.

Does my DD want attention?  Of course.  Is she mad at her dad because he has been absent from her life since she was 3.  Yes.  But it is a gross over simplification to say everything is just to get daddy's attention.  It's such a complicated web of symptoms, normal/abnormal, age appropriate/inappropriate behaviors... .it boggles the mind  .  Even my DH says she is just trying to get attention sometimes.  It's a good thing I'm not a violent person.   

My DD's dad has been around but ignored her since she was born. :-(

I just want to help her no matter what she actually has.  She is so amazing and I just love her so much.  She could be anything and if she could only see a tiny part of what I see in her it would make such a difference. 

Hugs!  I get it!

[jessmomof8]

So sorry jessmom, that this was a crappy day. 

Was this person in a decision-making position regarding your dd? Your dd is fortunate that she has you as her advocate - you know her best and you won't give up on her. She's in good hands... .

How are you today?

  Not really, she was a case manager from Medicaid.  My daughter has 2 other insurances before the Medicaid and our Medicaid won't pay for residential treatment anyways.  I fired her.  I was done arguing with her and didn't really see the point of her being involved in all of this anyways.  Was just a lot of duplication of efforts.

Today, I'm not too bad, tired.  Still trying to figure out what our next step is.  I really want to get her into a RTC, but her psychiatrist doesn't think she needs it.     So not helpful.  These people just do not understand.

[pessim-optimist]

Today, I'm not too bad, tired.  Still trying to figure out what our next step is.

That's good. Taking it a day at a time and remembering good self-care will get you through... .

I really want to get her into a RTC, but her psychiatrist doesn't think she needs it.     So not helpful.  These people just do not understand.

What is his plan of action? What does he propose?

[Lostmama]

Hello,

I am with you.  Today was not a good day.   My dd just turned 16. No one will put on paper BPD but they all whisper it to me because no therapist or PH d will sign off on it.   We have have been down impantiant rtc. After 6 month fight with insurance.  We are know looking at residential group home but does not look promising.  No one can give me advise or even which direction to look in to get her the help she needs.  

I wish I could give you some good advise but I am not there yet.  I am still working on not taking it personal.  

Just know that you are not alone, that where are many of us who love our children and know when better than anyone else.  Please do not let words from people who have not walked in you shoes get to you.  Know that we all try our best with our kids in very difficult times



Hugs

[jessmomof8]

That's good. Taking it a day at a time and remembering good self-care will get you through... .

Yep, husband is off work today and this afternoon we have therapy, then she has physical therapy. So I'm spending this morning working on my projects.

What is his plan of action? What does he propose?

Her psychiatrist is perfectly happy to stay with the status quo and just adjust her meds as necessary.     I feel like if we stay with the status quo, my daughter will continue to go into the psych unit every 60 days or get more drastic in trying to hurt herself. 

[jessmomof8]

I am with you.  Today was not a good day.   My dd just turned 16. No one will put on paper BPD but they all whisper it to me because no therapist or PH d will sign off on it.   We have have been down impantiant rtc. After 6 month fight with insurance.  We are know looking at residential group home but does not look promising.  No one can give me advise or even which direction to look in to get her the help she needs.  

Hugs back at you! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[nzmum]

Yes, yes, yes!  Wouldn't it be better to start as soon as possible to try to get the best results?  Wouldn't it be better to teach them different modes of thinking before the ways that they are thinking are more cemented in their brains?  

 our DD17 is not 'diagnosed' BPD as she is too 'young' but we figure the whispers from 5 different professionals can't be wrong especially when they say DD WILL be treated 'as if she has BPD'.  Whilst I understand teens still have some brain changes coming to them   I fully support your comment about helping them change their thinking patterns as early in the piece as possible.  Has to be better for ALL concerned!

[nzmum]

sorry - still not got the hang of the quoting thing 

[jessmomof8]

 our DD17 is not 'diagnosed' BPD as she is too 'young' but we figure the whispers from 5 different professionals can't be wrong especially when they say DD WILL be treated 'as if she has BPD'.  Whilst I understand teens still have some brain changes coming to them   I fully support your comment about helping them change their thinking patterns as early in the piece as possible.  Has to be better for ALL concerned!

It just makes sense.  I was just reading an article earlier today about adolescents with BPD and they likened it to getting early intervention for a little one who is having trouble walking.  Why WOULDN'T you get them help?

[pessim-optimist]

You are both correct - it is best to help the developing brain to develop in a healthy way - it is easier than to try to do an overhaul when everything is set for adulthood.

Don't give up - if you don't get help in one place, advocate elsewhere - the official diagnosis is not so important per se, the appropriate treatment is... .

[nzmum]

  Thanks pessi-optimist

still not too hopeful at this end  :'(

resources in NZ very limited especially for those under 20yrs old

also DD17 still not engaging fully, says "The 'help' is NOT helping" and I can't say I blame her either!

DD bolted from last weeks session (she only has 1 per week and this was only the 3rd appointment) and I was effectively told off for bringing her when she was in a distessed state! 

DD17 has been with the police 8 times in a fortnight for unsafe behaviour she even handed herself in at the local station as she felt 'suicidal and no-one's helping'!  (last Wednesday).  DD is distressed EVERY day!  People just don't seem to get it.   

Mental health team then explained to us that that they did not want to see her before next weeks session as she should suffer in-between and that the next session will go better because she has 'suffered'. I belly laughed at that one!  Must have sounded quite mad!   The following morning I called to advise them that I will get her to the next session a) if she is still with us and b) if she is in the right frame of mind to attend.  GIVE ME STRENGTH!

[jessmomof8]

You are both correct - it is best to help the developing brain to develop in a healthy way - it is easier than to try to do an overhaul when everything is set for adulthood.

Thank you! 

[jessmomof8]

Mental health team then explained to us that that they did not want to see her before next weeks session as she should suffer in-between and that the next session will go better because she has 'suffered'. I belly laughed at that one!  Must have sounded quite mad!   The following morning I called to advise them that I will get her to the next session a) if she is still with us and b) if she is in the right frame of mind to attend.  GIVE ME STRENGTH!

Oh good grief.  :-(  I would have been belly laughing with you!  I'm so sorry!   

[pessim-optimist]

DD17 has been with the police 8 times in a fortnight for unsafe behaviour she even handed herself in at the local station as she felt 'suicidal and no-one's helping'!  (last Wednesday).  DD is distressed EVERY day!  People just don't seem to get it.   

That is really distressing, nzmum can you take her to the NZ equivalent of the emergency room when she is unsafe? Or is that what you have been doing?

[nzmum]

Oh Pessim-optimist if only WE could admit her to the emergency room!

If DD is at risk at home WE can call the police to assess her (we know them all on 1st name terms now - embarrassing really  ). The police can then ask her to be assessed by the emergency mental health team if they believe her to be 'at risk' (usually in their police cells) but DD has a knack of turning herself into 'your average troubled teen" at the appropriate moment.  So thus far we have only had 1 admission to hospital but as it was late on a Friday DD did not see a psychiatrist for consult until the Monday morning! Also DD had had the presence of mind (when asked) to be admitted voluntarily so no Section under the Mental Health Act was required! Brilliant!

So home by lunchtime on the Monday   with the recommendation to read How to Stop Walking on Eggshells. Sheeesh!

Having said that it was the Eggshell books that brought me here - for which I am eternally grateful!   

[SeaSprite]

DD has a knack of turning herself into 'your average troubled teen" at the appropriate moment. Devilish

This seems to be a talent many of our children share! My d and sd can turn on "normal" so quickly it's spooky.

Any way to get video or other documentation of what is really going on?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jessmomof8]

This seems to be a talent many of our children share! My d and sd can turn on "normal" so quickly it's spooky.

Any way to get video or other documentation of what is really going on?

Oh yeah, mine does that too. It's like she can just turn it on and off whenever.    Then of course, people who don't get it look at me like I'm making it up.  Whatever... .