Im kinda Lost My wife has BPS what to do

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

First time poster here.  Ok so I am at a loss I don’t know what to do.  Here is my story as short as possible I could go on and on but ill keep it short.  I married my BPDw after dating for two years.  During the first two years I was a King…. We had are fights but nothing that seemed odd.  I knew she was diagnosed with depression anxiety.  She also mentioned she had a stay at a hospital for suicidal thoughts when she was 21 and that they gave her BPD books and started DBT classes before her release after 3 weeks.  Well I thought nothing of it and never knew about BPD. So we get married and have a child…. After marriage she changed and became distant and no sex no affection and I could do nothing right.  I come home from work to find her stuff gone and she had left…. I try to txt and call all I get is anger and no answer to what is going on.  After failed attempts  to find her and discuss our marriage and why she left the police served me with a OP Order of protection she said she feared for her life CMON.  So I file for divorce and start fighting the op after 3 monthes the OP is dropped im seeing my child and it’s a week before the divorce is filed…... we talk and one thing lead to another and we cancel the divorce and are back together.  Im a king again.  Now im aware of BPD and researching it early 2012.  Few monthes after canceling the marriage the same things start to happen…. Pushing me away I can’t do anything right… no sex no affection.  Boom she leaves files divorce, ANOTHER OP …… and just like the first time tells everyone I have the issues.  Aug 2012 divorce is official I love this woman and we start talking seriously again early in 2013 …. Wouldn’t you know it im a king we are back together…… talks me into marriage a second time …... OCTOBER 2013 she is gone again same story …. Now we are back together and have been since Jan 2014 and I feel the devaluation coming on again… lack of sex no affection raging outburst of anger for little things.  It’s like she constantly looks for a fight maybe as a reason to leave idk.  I guess im way more educated on BPD then I ever was in the past and im not sure she will get the help she needs.  The only thing I can say for progression in a good way on her part is that she actually owns up to the fact that it’s like a 90% chance she has BPD…... she actually started looking for help herself but im not to sure how serious she is.  If I bring it up she explodes and im the one with issues etc I could go on and on she is controlling has anger issues and it seems as though just like they say she projects all those horrible traits on to me and im the bad guy.  Just lost don’t know what to do…... im seriously almost finally at the breaking point.

[dustrat]

First time poster here.  Ok so I am at a loss I don’t know what to do.  Here is my story as short as possible I could go on and on but ill keep it short.  I married my BPDw after dating for two years.  During the first two years I was a King…. We had are fights but nothing that seemed odd.  I knew she was diagnosed with depression anxiety.  She also mentioned she had a stay at a hospital for suicidal thoughts when she was 21 and that they gave her BPD books and started DBT classes before her release after 3 weeks.  Well I thought nothing of it and never knew about BPD. So we get married and have a child…. After marriage she changed and became distant and no sex no affection and I could do nothing right.  I come home from work to find her stuff gone and she had left…. I try to txt and call all I get is anger and no answer to what is going on.  After failed attempts  to find her and discuss our marriage and why she left the police served me with a OP Order of protection she said she feared for her life CMON.  So I file for divorce and start fighting the op after 3 monthes the OP is dropped im seeing my child and it’s a week before the divorce is filed…... we talk and one thing lead to another and we cancel the divorce and are back together.  Im a king again.  Now im aware of BPD and researching it early 2012.  Few monthes after canceling the marriage the same things start to happen…. Pushing me away I can’t do anything right… no sex no affection.  Boom she leaves files divorce, ANOTHER OP …… and just like the first time tells everyone I have the issues.  Aug 2012 divorce is official I love this woman and we start talking seriously again early in 2013 …. Wouldn’t you know it im a king we are back together…… talks me into marriage a second time …... OCTOBER 2013 she is gone again same story …. Now we are back together and have been since Jan 2014 and I feel the devaluation coming on again… lack of sex no affection raging outburst of anger for little things.  It’s like she constantly looks for a fight maybe as a reason to leave idk.  I guess im way more educated on BPD then I ever was in the past and im not sure she will get the help she needs.  The only thing I can say for progression in a good way on her part is that she actually owns up to the fact that it’s like a 90% chance she has BPD…... she actually started looking for help herself but im not to sure how serious she is.  If I bring it up she explodes and im the one with issues etc I could go on and on she is controlling has anger issues and it seems as though just like they say she projects all those horrible traits on to me and im the bad guy.  Just lost don’t know what to do…... im seriously almost finally at the breaking point.

[Theo41]

WOW. What a story. I'm glad u found this site. You are very lucky that she she knows about BPD and may be willing to go to Dbt. Many are in total denial.

1. Your first priority is the child. Children get damaged and torn up pretty bad by all the dysfunctional behavior. They frequently even believe they are the cause of difficulty and divorce.

2. You need to decide if this lifestyle is for you and if not... .when she goes for op and divorce take advantage of it. Most BPDs cling to the nons pathologically. They fear abandonment and it's very difficult to leave them.

3. Continue to actively participate in this site and read the lessons. Very insightful and informative. If u decide to stay the tools u learn hear can help u live with her more harmoniously. All best to u. THEO

[dustrat]

Thanks man... .I wanna make it work but at the same time I've been through it over and over and if she doesn't get help soon I feel I can no longer go through with it.  We have 3 children hers,mine, and ours. Two live with us almost daily... .They can't seem to do anything right... .Including myself.  Her daughter my stepdaughter is ridiculed and torn down for almost everything she does at times.  Things such as eating to lound , facial expressions I mean the list is so long.  My story above was just to break the ice I mean so much more went on during the 6 years we have been together.  Its just hard for me to wrap my brain around some of the stuff that my wife does I've seen the idealizing and the devaluing stages.  I've seen her switch the facts to fit her reality. Say things and later argue till she is red that she never said them. One minute it feels like she wants help and is looking into getting it started ... .Then boom the next everything is my fault her BPD has nothing to do with it.  I'm sorry idk if I'm on the right thread or board for my post if not I apologize... .

[Aussie0zborn]

What a horrible situation. We've all been there. You need to ask yourself if this is the life you want for you and your children - you are both being damaged by this behaviour every day. It takes a lot to get over the damage and it's a difficult ride but well worth it in the end.

Picture what you life SHOULD be like right now and how you might achieve that. Picture your children in 5 and 10 and 15 years from now - what impact will this behaviour have on them?

The fact she partly admits to BPD seems to be a good start but as you say she explodes when you ask if she has sought treatment. Do you think she seriously doesn't know? Keeping you hanging is part of the wicked game until they are ready to dump you and crush you. It's the same old story on high rotation. The fact that you are aware of your situation and you are here talking about it is a good step forward. It doesn't get any better although I hear with DBT it might or can. Good luck.

[dustrat]

She is fully aware... .I'm a die hard bears fan and Brandon Marshall came out and opened up about his BPD ... .that's her favorite player now... .Maybe the positive things he is doing now for mental illness is helping her see.  But I've also heard her telling her mom about BPD and she is sure she has it.  Also my wife and I have had discussed it but only if she brings it up and during those conversations she believes her mother may be BPD .  Her mother has been diagnosed with depression bipolar anxiety and a few other things and my wife had a rough up bringing between her mom and dad... .

[Theo41]

It has helped me to write all the behaviors down. I have kept a record over time. It's hard to read. But writing it down helps for a lot of reasons. However, we need to move from the craziness of it to realizing that it is an illness and taking care of ourselves. Limit the time u are exposed to her when she's acting out and try ur best to do the same for the children. Read the lessons on this site to learn about tools that can help her as well as you. All best THEO