revising a parenting plan

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Need help revising a parenting plan for D13 and S10.  S10 is currently in an RTC with "pre-borderline tendencies" in his second year of treatment.  I am the primary residential parent, uBPDexw has EOW, 2 weeks in summer, half of vacations, etc.  Medical decisions are my authority and educational ones are joint -- so any placements for S10 must be jointly signed.  We are revising over time & money.  Ex refuses to pay towards care of S10 without going to court, so here we go. 

1) Ex is less able to pay than I am (my salary is higher and there is money my family put in trust for my kids -- but she shouldn't pay NOTHING).  Current plan says uncovered expenses are split 50%.  That's really big money with RTC.  My bottom line, at the end of negotiations, would be to split uncovered expenses proportional to adjusted gross income from previous year's tax returns. 

2) Even the adjusted percentage might be too high for ex when S10 is in treatment, which may happen again later in his life, so this probably isn't the last time.  What about offering a cap, a % of her adjusted gross income (e.g. 20 or 25%) that she would not pay beyond.  In trade for that cap, I would insist on sole authority to sign for educational and medical decisions.

3) Time.  Ex doesn't take all her parenting time, especially when S10 was in town.  She needs to commit on paper to what she can consistently take.  This includes her planning for any special care S10 would need when home.  I shouldn't have to take off work because she can't find a sitter or supervisor for S10.

4) Morality clause.  We didn't have one in the existing plan.  She has now gone through two live in boyfriends.  With D13 maturing, there needs to be a clear boundary.  In the past, we argued over her having her "new boyfriend" watch D13, only 6 weeks into the relationship, she barely knew the guy. 

That's all for now.  Thoughts?

[ProfDaddy]

Need help revising a parenting plan for D13 and S10.  S10 is currently in an RTC with "pre-borderline tendencies" in his second year of treatment.  I am the primary residential parent, uBPDexw has EOW, 2 weeks in summer, half of vacations, etc.  Medical decisions are my authority and educational ones are joint -- so any placements for S10 must be jointly signed.  We are revising over time & money.  Ex refuses to pay towards care of S10 without going to court, so here we go. 

1) Ex is less able to pay than I am (my salary is higher and there is money my family put in trust for my kids -- but she shouldn't pay NOTHING).  Current plan says uncovered expenses are split 50%.  That's really big money with RTC.  My bottom line, at the end of negotiations, would be to split uncovered expenses proportional to adjusted gross income from previous year's tax returns. 

2) Even the adjusted percentage might be too high for ex when S10 is in treatment, which may happen again later in his life, so this probably isn't the last time.  What about offering a cap, a % of her adjusted gross income (e.g. 20 or 25%) that she would not pay beyond.  In trade for that cap, I would insist on sole authority to sign for educational and medical decisions.

3) Time.  Ex doesn't take all her parenting time, especially when S10 was in town.  She needs to commit on paper to what she can consistently take.  This includes her planning for any special care S10 would need when home.  I shouldn't have to take off work because she can't find a sitter or supervisor for S10.

4) Morality clause.  We didn't have one in the existing plan.  She has now gone through two live in boyfriends.  With D13 maturing, there needs to be a clear boundary.  In the past, we argued over her having her "new boyfriend" watch D13, only 6 weeks into the relationship, she barely knew the guy. 

That's all for now.  Thoughts?

[catnap]

Since you already have medical--do not lump it in with school.  You do not want to take a chance that would change.

You could offer a cap for her to pay on RTC only--that would leave you some wiggle room to negotiate.

Morality clauses--no overnight guests of the opposite sex when the children are there, for instance.  This can be hard to enforce.  

I do not blame you at all for wanting a new bf to babysit D. Maybe allowing D to take a cell phone to text/call if anything makes her uncomfortable about the bf's behavior she is to contact you immediately.  

[Matt]

From your post, my biggest concern is that a ten-year-old is in an RTC - is that "residential treatment center" - and does that mean he spends 24/7 away from home at that place?

I've never heard of someone being diagnosed with "pre-borderline tendencies".  (I'm not a professional in this field so I'm sure there's a lot I don't know.)  I think BPD is usually not diagnosed in children, because lots of the things that separate people with BPD from other adults are common in kids;  for example, my ex used to throw huge fits, which was very unusual and dysfunctional in an adult, but pretty common among small kids.

My four kids all picked up some bad behaviors from their BPD mom, but I have found that they can all change those behaviors when they get some strong feedback and boundaries from me.  Not easy or fun, but also not "BPD" or even "pre-borderline".

Here's an example:

My stepson was raised by his BPD mom, and picked up her fit-throwing behavior.  In his mid-20s, he came to live with me and my younger kids, and a couple times he threw big fits like his mom, when things didn't go his way.  So I told him, "That's the last fit you're going to throw in this house.  One more and you'll have to find another place to live."  I made sure he knew that I meant it.  And that was the last fit he ever threw.  Fixing his behavior was in his control, because he doesn't have BPD, he just has some behaviors that he learned from his mom.

My S15 - pretty much the same thing, and I'm still working with him on some of this stuff, but he's gone from lots of fits, blaming, etc. when he was younger, to fewer now, and I'm convinced he doesn't have any disorder, he has just learned some bad behaviors from his mom, and it's hard for him to un-learn them, and that needs to be my main focus with him.

So my concern is that your S10 has somehow been labeled with an adult problem, which may be what his mom has, but maybe he has just learned some bad behaviors, and needs some structure and feedback - meaning words and consequences - to fix those behaviors.

Who diagnosed him with "pre-borderline tendencies"?  Did you get a second opinion on that?  And is his behavior such a problem that he really needs to be in residential treatment for so long, at such a young age?

[ProfDaddy]

S10 is indeed at a residential treatment center, out of state, and spends 24/7 at that place.  I tried everything else, for years, and things only got worse. 

His behaviors here resulted in arrest and conviction for felony assault at school when 8 years old, multiple suicide threats, threats to his sister, kicking & punching holes in walls.  Basically unstoppable rages and violence.  Whenever he is anxious, he acts out until he reaches the point that whoever has him gives up and calls for me to come and get him.  He experiences moments of dissociative rage.  Without antipsychotic medication, S10 is completely uncontrollable.  Even with them, when he feels his needs aren't met, kaboom.  That prevents most other things that happen in everyday living -- his sister getting homework help, someone showering before him, etc.  Firm and consistent limits at home didn't help, he just raged harder.

About the borderline issue, here's exactly what the report said: "S10s unremediated anxiety, sense of self as flawed, exquisite sensitivity to rejection, separation and loss, becoming overwhelmed and enraged at even small frustrations and slights and his tendency to split individuals into good and bad, idealized and evil, suggest that S10 is functioning at a borderline level of psychological development.  It is important to note that this is NOT a borderline personality disorder, but more psychological functioning of a 9 year old boy that has a borderline defensive pattern, which can change." 

Overall, the diagnostic report captured his strengths and weaknesses very well, and was consistent with most other diagnostic reports -- their treatment plan is appropriate, etc.  Bottom line, S10 is a very tough case.  The consistency and staffing it takes to effect change for him is WAY beyond what a public school can provide and is also way beyond what I can provide at home. 

 

[ProfDaddy]

Since you already have medical--do not lump it in with school.  You do not want to take a chance that would change.

You could offer a cap for her to pay on RTC only--that would leave you some wiggle room to negotiate.

Morality clauses--no overnight guests of the opposite sex when the children are there, for instance.  This can be hard to enforce.  

I do not blame you at all for wanting a new bf to babysit D. Maybe allowing D to take a cell phone to text/call if anything makes her uncomfortable about the bf's behavior she is to contact you immediately.  

All workable ideas.  One problem with the morality clause solution is that D13 is very defensive of her mother.  Partly out of fear that her mom will explode. So it is very unlikely she would call me and if an overnight guest at her mother's place makes her uncomfortable.  I know the clause is impossible to enforce; just looking for some way to keep D13 safe.

[ProfDaddy]

Matt,

I've been thinking about this example you gave:

My stepson was raised by his BPD mom, and picked up her fit-throwing behavior.  In his mid-20s, he came to live with me and my younger kids, and a couple times he threw big fits like his mom, when things didn't go his way.  So I told him, "That's the last fit you're going to throw in this house.  One more and you'll have to find another place to live."  I made sure he knew that I meant it.  And that was the last fit he ever threw. 

I also drew that line with S10, when he was 8.  I told him after a fit at school, resulting in my having to pick him up, that if he kept throwing fits and showing unsafe behavior at school & home, that he would not be able to live at home and go to that school anymore.  He tested that limit, and has continued to test it, in multiple psychiatric hospitalizaitons and for over a year at the RTC.  The rages are decreasing in frequency, intensity, and duration... .but they still happen.  He knows that in order to return home, he needs to successfully manage his emotions.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, boundaries are important, even crucial, so are appropriate consequences.  They may not fix things every time but potentially they can and in any case firm boundaries with appropriate consequences ought to limit the extent of the misbehaviors.

This is not so say he can't or won't be BPD when he's an adult, it's just that professionals agree you shouldn't categorically determine what's what with a minor with sufficient confidence or certainty.  However, I would imagine a good litmus test would be to ask yourself, are these attitudes, thinking and behaviors from his own internal issues or situational such as exposure to another person acting out and thereby affecting him negatively?

[Matt]

Matt,

I've been thinking about this example you gave:

My stepson was raised by his BPD mom, and picked up her fit-throwing behavior.  In his mid-20s, he came to live with me and my younger kids, and a couple times he threw big fits like his mom, when things didn't go his way.  So I told him, "That's the last fit you're going to throw in this house.  One more and you'll have to find another place to live."  I made sure he knew that I meant it.  And that was the last fit he ever threw. 

I also drew that line with S10, when he was 8.  I told him after a fit at school, resulting in my having to pick him up, that if he kept throwing fits and showing unsafe behavior at school & home, that he would not be able to live at home and go to that school anymore.  He tested that limit, and has continued to test it, in multiple psychiatric hospitalizaitons and for over a year at the RTC.  The rages are decreasing in frequency, intensity, and duration... .but they still happen.  He knows that in order to return home, he needs to successfully manage his emotions.

Yeah, I used that example because I wanted to talk about "learned" behaviors vs. disorders;  I became convinced that my older son (and for that matter my younger son too) had behavior problems that he had learned from his mom, not a psych disorder.

Your S10 is very different from any of my kids, and way outside my own experience or knowledge.  It must be incredibly frustrating and sad at times.  Are you able to maintain a relationship with him - see him fairly often and make sure he knows you care about him?

My oldest went to residential treatment for substances - alcohol and other stuff - two six-month periods, in his late 20s.  It was very helpful, and helped him grow as a person.  Unfortunately, just as he was finishing and doing very well, some stuff from his past caught up with him, and he went to prison - now 6 years through a 7-year sentence.  We've been able to maintain contact with him pretty well - letters, phone, visits - so he knows we care about him and he is always in our thoughts.  And his relationships with me and with my other kids have actually improved as he has become more stable and honest.  Pretty different situation from your S10, but I'm hoping you're able to support your S10 through this, while letting the professionals do their stuff, so your son always feels that connection to his family... .