Panic attacks and advice?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 My uBPDbf who also has dBiPD left about two weeks ago.  He went to seek psychiatric help back home, he is from Utah and I live in Pennsylvania. I had LC with him since he left, until yesterday.  I called him to discuss our relationship.  I have been unsure of our "status," due to his constant splitting.  Before he left, he told me that he wanted to come back after he gets treatment.  Yesterday, he told me that Pennsylvania is horrible and he loves Utah.  I am assuming that he is splitting, painting Pennsylvania black at this moment, because he has bad feelings associated here.  I was assured that he still loves me.  He said he would marry me today, if I moved to Utah. Then he went on about how it is selfish for me to not move to Utah, since he lived with me for 3 and a half years in Pennsylvania.  Since our conversation, I have had the worst panic attacks ever. The conversation opened up a flood gate of repressed feelings. Even though I love him, the thought of giving up my graduate school and life, is terrifying.  I have already conformed to his every want, but I cannot conform to this.  Any advice or thoughts?  Thanks

[EaglesJuju]

 My uBPDbf who also has dBiPD left about two weeks ago.  He went to seek psychiatric help back home, he is from Utah and I live in Pennsylvania. I had LC with him since he left, until yesterday.  I called him to discuss our relationship.  I have been unsure of our "status," due to his constant splitting.  Before he left, he told me that he wanted to come back after he gets treatment.  Yesterday, he told me that Pennsylvania is horrible and he loves Utah.  I am assuming that he is splitting, painting Pennsylvania black at this moment, because he has bad feelings associated here.  I was assured that he still loves me.  He said he would marry me today, if I moved to Utah. Then he went on about how it is selfish for me to not move to Utah, since he lived with me for 3 and a half years in Pennsylvania.  Since our conversation, I have had the worst panic attacks ever. The conversation opened up a flood gate of repressed feelings. Even though I love him, the thought of giving up my graduate school and life, is terrifying.  I have already conformed to his every want, but I cannot conform to this.  Any advice or thoughts?  Thanks

[crookedeuphoria]

Hi. I read your intro on the other board. Are you considering going? Do you think it would be a wise choice to give up everything in your life now for a relationship that has been so very volatile? Do you have any support in Utah besides your boyfriend?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi crooked,

If I move there, I would basically be alone.  I know it is probably a horrible idea to give up everything for his instability.  I am assuming he is saying this to control and manipulate me.  The sad part is I do understand that he moved out here, and it is not "fair"  that I am unwilling to move there for him.  I do know if I actually move, I am pretty much reinforcing his behavior and not establishing boundaries. 

[Tired_Dad]

EaglesJuju

Make the choice that is right for you. Weigh all of the pros and cons and remember that one of the biggest moves they do is to try to isolate us and seperate us from friends and support for their reasons. If you move you will need to be very vigilant to protect yourself from being isolated and cut off. Be prepared for the "if you really loved me... ." statements and possibly threats of suicide or self harm, take them seriously. However, you don't have to fix him... .and as I've realized in my own relationship they can't be fixed by us.

As I've told my BPDw, if you want to run and leave the door is open if you want to stay this home is yours but I will no longer chase you, walk on eggshells, or otherwise reward you for behaving badly.

I hope that whatever choice you make that you take your happiness into account first as trying to make them happy is as futile as chasing the wind. And if you can be happy for yourself, and if he loves you in their "special" BPD way, you will be able to tolerate the turbulent times because of reserves and resilience that comes from taking care of yourself.