At a loss

[harbour]

For six months I have been in a relationship with a man, and it is only recently that I started suspecting that he has a borderline disorder. He is very lovable and affectionate. We have several interests in common and we enjoy each others company in every way. Until I met him I was a single woman for many years. He has had many relationships, the last one ended about a year before I met him. The more I get to know him the more I realize that I will have to be very, very strong and very unselfish to make it work and grow strong. I don't know if I am or can become that strong and unselfish. And even though I can I don't know if it will work. Right now I am exhausted after a hard weekend with him. We have an agreement to be together in weekends, from Friday till Monday. In my place. We do sometimes spend a day or two together between Monday and Friday.

He alternates between idealizing me and pushing me away. He puts me on a pedestal and treats me like a queen or a goddess. After some time he changes. He gets distant and distracted, or he goes to bed and sleeps for hours, or he suddenly leaves in anger and distress or gets furious because he interpretes something I said or not said as an attack. His rage is scary. He becomes a totally different person, shouting and accusing me of being a hopeless, evil, dishonest and bad person whom he cannot stand. The first time this happened I tried to calm him down by saying "let's try to talk about it", but that made him even more furious. So now I don't say anything when he is in that state of mind. He has been violent to some of his former girlfriends. His last girlfriend reported him to the police. The sentence was five years psychiatric treatment. He has still got three years left. He is very ashamed of his violent history. He also seeked help himself and has been in therapy for three years. I don't think he is going to harm me physically. And I know that if he does lay hands on me just once, it will be over between us. I let him know that when he told me that he had been violent. Still, I don't always feel totally safe when he get these outbursts. He has been talking about some of his problems, the idealizing and his extremely intense emotions. But he has not mentioned his rage as a problem. I don't think that he is aware how scary it is. I have not yet mentioned it either. But now, after this last weekend, I will talk with him about it. During his rage he grabbed a knife from the table and pointed it towards the table, not towards me. Still, it made me feel a bit uneasy for a moment. He never threatened me. But I cannot and will not ignore it any longer. My question is, how do I set boundaries without him feeling criticized? He sometimes very easily feels criticized by the most harmless remarks. And that can trigger his rage. So if I say what it does to me when he is so aggressive he may get furious. Maybe he doesn't. You never know. If only I could see the pattern or see more clearly what triggers him and when.

[Aussie0zborn]

Welcome to the wonderful world of BPD. You have just described my stbx uBPD wife.

What triggers them? Who knows - it's different each time just  as a well accepted compliment today when repeated tomorrow is considered an attack.

There are some good resources here for setting boundaries.  Read up on them and practise them.

It's not OK for anyone to pick up a knife while being angry with you, whether they point it towards you or not.  I never expected my wife to hit me again after she bruised my face and made a million and one promises that it "would never happen again" but it did. So I knew to back off when I could see this coming (and I didn't always see it coming as these rages are unpredictable and they don't hold a sign up to tell you what's around the corner for you). In other words, the knife is the intimidation to keep you under control as now you know what to expect if you don't behave yourself.

As for the rages, I don't believe they see this as a problem seeing as it was YOU who intentionally caused it to make them "feel bad". If it wasn't for you and the stupid careless things you say and do, it would never have happened, see? So you are the problem, therefore you must have the problem - not them. My experience is that because you know they can hurt easily and react like that, it's your fault for not protecting them.

I set a boundary that basically said, "if you ever hit me or your son again, I will go straight to the police and have you charged. That means you will lose your school principal job". With each rage after that, I put my chin out for her to hit me and would say, "I'm not scared of you". She would back off but that look in her eye should have told me there would be hell to pay.

Put your boundaries up today for your own protection. When they split you black, there will more than likely be punishment for each and every one of those boundaries that you set.

Do you really need this in your life?

[harbour]

Thank you very much for your reply

No, I definitely don't need that in my life.

I must admit that I am getting a little more pessimistic when I read the replies to my problem here. But of course, there is a reason why I am on the "Staying or leaving".

You advice me to set up boundaries now. And I will. But in your case it obviously didn't help to set up boundaries ("... .but that look in her eye should have told me there would be hell to pay". (Forgive me if I misunderstand. My English is ok, I guess, but I am Danish.) So if it doesn't change anything to set up boundaries, or it even gets worse if you do, then I only two alternatives: Accept and live with it or - leave for good. Do you see other solutions or choices?

Are you still living with your wife?

[Aussie0zborn]

My English is ok, I guess, but I am Danish.)

Yes, you understood perfectly and I would say your English is perfect. My wife was 1/2 Danish too.

We set boundaries to stop the bad behaviour and to protect ourselves. Every situation is different but in my case she didn't appreciate the boundaries. Even worse is when you set a boundary and they constantly cross it and you give up on it. When you try to re-introduce it, it is seen as abuse. They are very good at blaming us for abuse when we're trying to protect ourselves from their abuse, whether it's physical, verbal, emotional, financial etc.

My issue was that she crossed way too many boundaries (spoken and unspoken) and I found that she not only disrespected me completely but I saw the Jekyll & Hyde character in her that I had been oblivious to and it was hateful - it wasn't directed at me and she didn't know I was listening but it scared the hell out of me only because later she feigned empathy. I didn't tell her what I heard but decided then and there to get out fast. I left her, felt sorry for her and got drawn back five months later - that's when I set up the boundary about her assaulting her son and I, stealing money from my business account, etc. Going back was ofcourse a mistake.

In her final devaluation, she said I "took her by surprise" when I left her two years earlier and after we made a big investment together she started her devaluation. She had a thug lined up to do me harm which took me by surprise but she needed to get even with me for "abandoning" her two years earlier.

In any case, boundaries are important but once you set them you need to stick with them. This can be a full time job and it's draining. After you've dealt with it you have no energy for anything else.

My friend deals with this every day... .his energy is so drained he has no time for anything. When have dinner together she is the life of the party and he sits there sulking because "she did it again". I sometimes tell him that I will never invite him again because he is such bad company but I will invite her because she is always so charming. I do this to show him what effect she is really having on him and how it affects everybody. He says I'm the only one who sees through her and can understand him. I didn't actually see through her at all... .I saw through him and realised what was going on in their relationship. He looks a lot like I used to look when she has zapped the life out of him and that's how I picked up on it but that's a different story.

Once you set your boundaries, stick to them. Read the resources here and do it gently but firmly. You're lucky you found this resource so early in your  relationship. It took me five years to work out there was something wrong and that it wasn't me. All the love in the world is not going to "fix" him. Unless you are a psychologist you are not qualified to help him at all.

So yes, I think you either get used to it and do some hard work or walk away. I work hard at my job every day but at least I get paid for it. Good luck.

[Duped11years]

Harbour, Im sorry you are feeling pessimistic, but its not an easy choice when you are in love with a BPD.   

As my name indicates, Ive been with someone for 11 years and am now going through the healing process after its over.  I had no idea what pbd was until I started googling her behaviors within the last year & eventually found this site. I cant even put words to how I felt after reading through posts for hours & hours. What I thought was true love wasn't, & the idealization she put upon me was just a symptom of an illness I wasnt aware of until I landed here. 

Over the years, her irratic behavior, rants, un-warranted accusations & anger etc was becoming much more frequent & much more extreme. When it got so bad that it was several times a week, instead of leaving, I googled in an attempt to find a way to resolve what was happening... .I believed that one day sharing a happy life together, marrying, was possible. 

Bottom line, had I known about this sickness, & read the stories on this site, when she started exhibiting her irratic behaviors (probably 4 months in), I would have just left. I know thats easy to say in hindsight, but you are 6 months in, the pain of leaving now will be far far less than if you let it go farther.  They will not change. You can set boundaries all day long but who wants to live a life with someone that you need to constantly watch what you say in fear of triggering them? And what triggers them gets worse over the years...

[harbour]

AussiOzborn, thank you very much for letting me know about your experience! It is very helpful.

I recognize too well what you describe. Already, after six months with him. I did try to set boundaries when I experienced his first unacceptable behaviour, but I realize now that I gradually gave it up because it led nowhere and only triggered his rage. It is only recently I started wondering why I never even tried to set boundaries to his threatening and hurting outbursts. Why I haven't even mentioned it to him considering how deeply it affects me. Now I think I know why. Fear and a feeling of powerlessness. The very first time he had an outburst I sensed very clearly that there was no way I would be able to reach him. I am surprised how calm I can stay in such a highly provocative situation. Afterwards I don't mention it because I don't want to risk experiencing that again. Because of fear.

I believe you when you say it is draining when you stick to the boundaries. It must be more draining than I can imagine. Because I don't stick to them, and I already feel I am being drained and losing my energy.

Five years! I don't think that I could continue the way it is now for another four and a half years. I couldn't get used to it. I hope I can't. I got the idea of searching for an internet site for relatives of persons with borderline disorder when I for some time had seen an unhealthy pattern in his behaviour that affected me more and more deeply. Philosophy and psychology are some of my interests, so I have read a lot about these subjects for many years. That is how I started suspecting that he might suffer from borderline disorder. It didn't take me more than ten minutes to find this site, and I am so glad that I found it. Thanks to this site and this forum I have come to see things more clearly within a few days.

Duped11years, Your reply is very helpful too. And very scary.

The thought of his outbursts and destructive behaviour getting worse than they are up till now makes me feel very discouraged and scared. It is also very scary that I already, after six months find it not that easy to end this relationship, when I do see what I am up against if I stay. I think I am using this forum right now to try to find the strength to break up with him. And I say to myself: Yes, I am trying to build up strength now. And I sense an uncertainty right beneath about my approaching a decision, because he is in his devaluation-hateful-suffering state of mind now. Where will I be, what will my position be when he changes back into dr. Jekyll again-again?