Does regret cause them to return?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My internet research suggest that once the BPD splits you from black to white and their rage and impulsive behaviors resolve, they do realize and regret what they have done to their relationship. Is this what causes them to return and attempt to recycle a relationship that had value or meaning to them?

[uncrx]

My internet research suggest that once the BPD splits you from black to white and their rage and impulsive behaviors resolve, they do realize and regret what they have done to their relationship. Is this what causes them to return and attempt to recycle a relationship that had value or meaning to them?

[enlighten me]

Recycles can even happen when painted black. My ex wife recycled me after we had split up because I told her I wanted a divorce and she hadn't landed my replacement fully so I was her safety net. Now I am well and truly painted white by her. She has remarried and keeps on saying how much she misses me as I was her best friend.

They will do what they want. You can try to figure them out but each one is different and have their own objectives.

Some will regret what they have lost and want to try again, some will regret what they have lost but be too ashamed to try again and others will never realise or admit what they have lost

[uncrx]

It is certainly ehaustive and futile to attempt any understanding of their behaviors.

Our relationship ended a little over a month ago. The day it ended she placed a letter of apology in my mailbox saying that she was sorry and asked for my forgiveness. I did not repond or react. The next day she approached a friend of mine and asked if she had heard the news. My friend said she did not know what she was talking about and she proceeded to tell her that we were no longer together and that her and a guy she knew I did not care for were now together. My friend only responded by saying ... .oh, okay.

I feel both were attempts to manipulate me into re-engaging and gain control of the situation.

Since then, my exBPD seems to have disappeared and has gone silent. Which works well for me because I knew I needed NC to begin my healing. I still find myself trying to make sense of everything over the five years of our relationship and wondering if and when she will return to attempt to recycle the relationship.

[hurting300]

More than likely yes she will. Mine actually came back in June but I wasn't home to answer the door...

[christoff522]

My internet research suggest that once the BPD splits you from black to white and their rage and impulsive behaviors resolve, they do realize and regret what they have done to their relationship. Is this what causes them to return and attempt to recycle a relationship that had value or meaning to them?

Honestly, the behavior is indecipherable. Sometimes they miss that you were any of these:

responsible, sensible, in control, loving, kind, gentle, giving, mature, helpful, abusive, argumentative, challenging, stable, unstable, sexual, asexual. charitable, poetic, straightforward, mysterious, emotional, unemotional, brotherly/sisterly, forgiving, unforgiving, insane, religious, atheist.

take your pick.

In truth, they regret the feelings of shame that they feel, any answer they give you as to why the returned is 98% likely to be a lie.

Mine told me the other day that she "knew" it was my birthday on Aug 23rd. Maybe she did. But I question as to whether that was truth. She came into my place of work (convenience store) on the 24th. Within a few hours she said happy birthday to me on facebook. However I noticed today that my birthday (without the year) is visible to anyone and everyone on fb, she could easily have come onto my fb after seeing me and realised that it was my birthday the day before and used it as an excuse. The fact she insists so much that she knew, tells me she's probably lying. After all, for a BPD another lie is just another minute on the clock at the office.

Would it be regret? hmm What do they regret? Hurting us? Or the hurting they feel?

I would say its a bad idea to project our own personality onto them, a BPD is literally always in 'survival mode', everything they do is to maintain an image, whether it be to be cool or to be kind. Some become suave and sophisticated seducers. Others become care-workers. I think they recycle simply to fill a gap, maybe they can't pull a guy/girl atm, maybe they remember something they liked about you and want to relive it for the excitement of it. I'm not being harsh about BPDs, I feel for them I really do. But from my own very very recent experience, it really is best to try and detach if you want to have any semblance of sanity and control in - or out of these relationships.

[Hawk Ridge]

When you get it figured out, let me know

[uncrx]

Predictably unpredictable ... .they don't know who they are so how can anyone else know who they are or figure them out.

They seem to only tell the truth when it works in their favor and it is better than a lie. Only wish I could have allowed myself to realize this years ago.

[hurting300]

Ok... they ALL have a pattern. Trust me. I've read thousands of pages of BPD npd and apd. They are all pretty much the same.