Moving to undecided

[meerkat1]

When I first started here, learning about BPD, learning how to deal with pwBPD I was fully committed to staying.

The more I learned, the more I tried to make it better, the less hope I have. I have always had hope. Hope is what kept me going. I love my wife, but the reality is she may never get any better. Our situation may never change for the better.

I can use all the tools here. I can set boundaries. I can work on myself.

However, she will still feel the same way. The tools and lessons can't change the way she feels, only how I feel.  And it seems like there is very little chance with therapy and drugs for her to ever change the way she feels.  She may change the way she treats me, sometimes. But if she can't change the way she sees things and they way she feels then I don't see any hope that we will ever be in a place that I can be myself again around her. To live life. To have fun. To be 'me' with my kids. To be 'me' with her. To have meaningful conversations. To be intimate friends and lovers.

I will continue to work on myself and start to create a plan B.

[vortex of confusion]

 

It is definitely sobering to face the reality of all this. After my husband got home from a trip, he went on and on about how he did soul searching and wanted a divorce. He was distant and cold. Yesterday, he completely changed his tune and is right back to being lovey and acting like nothing happened. <sigh> I just want to be free and to be able to live my life without worrying about him and his weirdness.

[sweetheart]

Hello again meerkat, I too spent a long time in Undecided. What it enabled me to do was to properly focus on the real possibility of leaving my marriage and make plans for being a single parent.

Posting here stopped me from feeling stuck, and I chose to stay in my marriage.

However not feeling stuck and trapped and hopeless anymore has changed the way I now live my life.

I hope you find the support and strength you need to reclaim some life for you again whatever your decision. Take good care of yourself. 

[Lucky Jim]

I will continue to work on myself and start to create a plan B.

Sounds like a plan, Meerkat1.

LuckyJim

[meerkat1]

Thanks VOC: Seems like we run in very parallel path. Although, I have not had all the sex issues you are or have had. Wish she would tell me to go elsewhere, then at least I would be getting something. Really hard on a guy to be on the outs for that part.

Sweetheart:

How have you got out of feeling stuck and hopeless? I am having a real hard time taking care of myself. Very much in fear of repercussions of doing anything. And I mean anything. I have a hard time doing housework anymore cause that causes fights. Yes, if I clean the house, she fights with me. So, not being able to stand the house so damn dirty, I just have a hard time being in the house, too.

I tried to discipline my child, for biting me nonetheless, and that started a huge fight.

I am really really stuck! I can't stand the constant barrage of insults and fighting that occurs every single moment of every day.

[sweetheart]

meerkat I just got to the point where I realised that nothing I was doing made any difference. It helped me get unstuck by making a plan to actually leave my husband. Sorting out money, accommodation, the possibility of changing our sons school. I also took my son away for a long weekend, I left my husband a note saying when I would be back. I went after posting on here for advice and everyone said just go. Getting away created just enough space for me to free myself from FOG, mainly fear.

Things got a lot worse before they got better, my husband spent time in hospital, but leading up to that admission I allowed him to experience the consequences of his actions, I stopped rescuing him. I focused on me and our son. I involved his mental health team and the police whereas before I would have dealt with his rages alone.

I have just asked voc the same question, what would it look like for you if you left, what are the real life practicalities of that happening? Make a plan meerkat, have a look at it, see what it involves and see where that takes you along with all the support and advice you can get from here.

[meerkat1]

I will make a plan.

I will tell you the last time I tried to take the kids and just go somewhere, she grabbed two of the 3. Took off in her car, then called the police on me, claiming I was trying to kidnap them. so police show up at my house, there I am, calm as can be, holding a one year old. And they question me like I am the criminal. That was 4 years ago.

Fast forward to last week, I call the police on her. Again, they question me, and my kids, like I am the criminal.

I will have to think very hard about this plan. Not sure how to keep kids safe.

Seems the deck is stacked against a male in this situation. No support from authorities. And from what I read, no support from the courts either.

I found and read some posts, on a different site, from 2005, that I had posted. Prior to knowing about BPD. I was looking for advice on how to divorce and keep the kids. I was floored. And so sad. So sad!

I did not keep pursuing the divorce at the time because about a month or so later my wife's mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She died a year later. It was a very trying time in which i stuck very close to her side on everything. Then her dad died a year after that. Again I was there for everything. Nothing she did to me mattered in those years. However, I think she was actually nicer to me during those times, too. Much less rages, and I think that lasted for a while afterwards.

Then slowly over the last couple years it has gotten really bad again. Probably about the same as it was in 2005 or worse.

[Indyan]

I involved his mental health team and the police whereas before I would have dealt with his rages alone.

I did that too, back in July and he resented me for this;

How did you husband react to this?

Took off in her car, then called the police on me, claiming I was trying to kidnap them. so police show up at my house, there I am, calm as can be, holding a one year old.

And I got that too, couple of weeks later. As if he was taking his revenge.

The police looked amazed, as I was just sitting on the sofa, breasfteeding baby quietly.

When I think of all this, I just don't want ANYMORE OF THAT CRAZINESS!

[stuckgirl]

When I first started here, learning about BPD, learning how to deal with pwBPD I was fully committed to staying.

The more I learned, the more I tried to make it better, the less hope I have. I have always had hope. Hope is what kept me going. I love my wife, but the reality is she may never get any better. Our situation may never change for the better.

I can use all the tools here. I can set boundaries. I can work on myself.

However, she will still feel the same way. The tools and lessons can't change the way she feels, only how I feel.  And it seems like there is very little chance with therapy and drugs for her to ever change the way she feels.  She may change the way she treats me, sometimes. But if she can't change the way she sees things and they way she feels then I don't see any hope that we will ever be in a place that I can be myself again around her. To live life. To have fun. To be 'me' with my kids. To be 'me' with her. To have meaningful conversations. To be intimate friends and lovers.

I will continue to work on myself and start to create a plan B.

im glad youre deciding to improve it all,i was stuck until i joined this place.

it made me come to terms that i was head butting a wall perhaps,and nothing i'd do would ever change anything,only things would get worse.

i struggled for a long time with the guilt of deciding to move on,or tell him that i wanted to move on.

although my situation was much simpler than yours,no marriage,no kids.

but even if you trudge through,however hard it might get,if you really have decided to leave,it would be completely freeing.

i'd forgotten a life in which i wasnt constantly worrying about when he would talk to me,what he was thinking,when the next fight would come,which eggshell i had cracked,now i wonder why i tried to do something,that at least in my case,wasnt possible.

it would be hard to free yourself of the bonds,but if you really want it then its absolutely worth it.