I chose to leave - a long look back on my decision

[bob88]

Hello Friends

Thinking back on a time 6 years ago when I discovered this website, I remember my interest in reading on those who made a choice to leave, and their journey to a new life. My situation was not unique, a 20 year marriage, two children not yet teens, and a wife who appeared perfect to the world, but at home tormented us with her rage,demands and egocentric expectations. I wanted to briefly share my story with those still deciding what path to choose.

I can tell you at some point I finally broke.  During a 6 week silent treatment, over what I had no clue, I decided if the chance came I would leave.  I couldn't just leave on my own, 20 years of training left me unable to make up my own mind. But during another rage/rant one night she proclaimed "We should get a divorce".  I replied "Yes, I think you are right ... .I will find another place to live this month".  She must have know I meant it, because in an instant she stop raging and decided we should make love.  BPD is a strange disorder!

I moved out about 3 weeks later. She was sort of ambivalent about the whole thing, and honestly I thought it would be a wake up call for her.  I was wrong.  It was a wake up call for me.  My oldest son summed it up well when he first came over.  He sat down in my living room, stretched his arms as if embracing my new place, and said ":)ad, it sure is nice to have somewhere to go where nobody is screaming at you".

Looking back, I remember some loneliness and depression, some anxiety perhaps.  But the thing I remember most is the peaceful feeling - the feeling that I was no longer someone's emotional punching bag. After that, it never occurred to me to return.  Oh, I made the effort - there was some marriage counseling where I was -surprise, surprise- painted as a monster because I didn't meet her every expectation. There was still the BPD attacks ... .late calls at night begging me to return, freezing my accounts, visits with a cake or pie accompanied by statements like " I baked you a cake, I know you must be feeling bad that I've moved on with my life".  I went to my own counseling and was told "It sounds like your wife had BPD, let me teach you coping skills".  That helped.  She went to counseling, and said "There is nothing wrong with me, the doctor said so".  She continued to go for about a year, and I saw some effort from her to better contain her rages, but she still refuses to say she has a problem.

It's been 6 years now, and 4 years since the divorce. I demanded 50/50 split of the kids, but it wasn't long before she drove my oldest son out and he moved in with me permanently. I have a home that I love, and I now look forward to the weekends (that's a big change from before!). I still get an occasional big dose of BPD, but I have learned lately that I can just not answer the phone... .and the text rages are a hoot to reread when I get bored!

Let me close with the thought that leaving is not easy, but there are rewards that, in my case, made it worth the pain. Co-parenting is a challenge, but a challenge with an end in sight.  I'm much closer to my kids now, and we have a home filled with laughter and peace.  I'm happier.  The kids are happier.  It was a long and painful trip, but the destination was worth it.

Hope this helps someone.

Bob

[WhoMe51]

I think I'm there now. I'm so tired of questioning my every move. Her needs are so important while mine go unmet or are non existent in her world. Thanks for sharing your story of hope. I am ready for a change. Because I am so tired of this.

[bob88]

I think I'm there now. I'm so tired of questioning my every move.

That comment caught me attention.  I think it is a big part of the peace I feel now, that I don't have to question my every action and words anymore - no more walking on eggshells.

Hang in there WhoMe51 ... .there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[ugghh]

Bob,

Thanks for sharing.  I myself just finished wrapping up divorce from my marriage of 26 years to uBPDw, now ex-uBPDw.   I too am quite enjoying the freedom to just be me without the constant questioning, being able to actually do what make me happy.

She went to counseling, and said "There is nothing wrong with me, the doctor said so".

  Got a laugh out of this, my ex keeps sending me emails stating the same thing, how everyone else in her life including her counselor say all the issues in relationship where definitely mine.  I have not blocked her email yet as I am biding my time should I need to take additional legal action.  However her most recent email of yesterday left actually made me smile and remember why I left - it started out  " I have been working very hard at recovery counseling and YOU have a lot of deep seeded issues to work on."

Divorced and she still tries to "diagnose" me.

[bob88]

Ugghh,

I can tell you after 6 years of separation, that they just don't ever give up.

I still get those emails, and sad to say it has taken me this long to realize I just don't have to engage.  In fact, I got a series of texts this morning trying to start something.  I replied "Working in yard - talk later" and moved on.

(not that it mattered though ... .a BPD doesn't recognize someone might have a life of their own.  She loaded up my phone with attacks about me not communicating)

These text do serve a purpose though.  They remind me why I left in the first place and how lucky I am not having to deal with it under the same roof anymore.

[empathic]

Thanks for sharing this. It does bring hope to what often feels like a hopeless situation. I can sometimes regret that I didn't act during the last time I got a prolonged silent treatment (about 2 weeks two years back). I was close to moving out then, we even had a place I could have used.

Now things are slightly better, but it comes at the expense of me still not being able to express my opinion and living with constant anxiety when around my wife. We're set up for MC. I don't have too much hope but maybe it can make things change one way or the other.

[bob88]

Empathic,

I have very strong feelings about MC... .your experience may very well be much different than mine.

I believe MC was the final blow to our marriage. We were separated but actually getting along pretty well.  On our first MC the counselor task us with homework to make a list of our issues and discuss each issue as it effected both of us.  We were not to bring emotion into this process. This "openness" was to bring understanding of each others feelings.

Guess what?  A BPD couldn't give a wit about anyone else's feelings, and they darn sure won't leave emotion out of it.  By the fourth "issue" she was crying and blaming me for all her woes - and it went downhill from there.  After that, we attended about 5 more sessions, but she dominated the sessions with her "issues" and painted me the bad guy the whole time. The counselor finally said the next session would only be about my issues. When I brought up  my concerns that she may have BPD, the counselor became angry that I was bringing up "stuff from the internet".  Never mind it was from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual!

And that was the end of that ... .we never went back.

[empathic]

Empathic,

I have very strong feelings about MC... .your experience may very well be much different than mine.

I believe MC was the final blow to our marriage. We were separated but actually getting along pretty well.  On our first MC the counselor task us with homework to make a list of our issues and discuss each issue as it effected both of us.  We were not to bring emotion into this process. This "openness" was to bring understanding of each others feelings.

Guess what?  A BPD couldn't give a wit about anyone else's feelings, and they darn sure won't leave emotion out of it.  By the fourth "issue" she was crying and blaming me for all her woes - and it went downhill from there.  After that, we attended about 5 more sessions, but she dominated the sessions with her "issues" and painted me the bad guy the whole time. The counselor finally said the next session would only be about my issues. When I brought up  my concerns that she may have BPD, the counselor became angry that I was bringing up "stuff from the internet".  Never mind it was from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual!

And that was the end of that ... .we never went back.

Sorry to read about your experience. Sounds like the counselor was not up to speed with things, or able to control the sessions.

The kind of homework you mention is probably what I fear the most. Me and my wife are not very compatible for discussing these kinds of issues it seems. I get a feeling of doom and gloom as soon as my wife brings something like this up. And like you say, I'm not sure my wife understands that I have feelings that are just as important as hers.

My wife told me she's heard of people who has gone to MC and found it really helpful. Means she's talked about this with her friends no doubt. Thing is, her friends (from what I've gathered) have problems like "my husband doesn't help out enough at home", and for that MC must be a lot easier (there are of course other issues I don't know about). None of her friends are even close to having BPD from what I can tell. What I'm trying to say is that I suspect my wife might be going in there with the wrong expectations (that I should be "corrected" somehow).

[Boss302]

Hello Friends

Thinking back on a time 6 years ago when I discovered this website, I remember my interest in reading on those who made a choice to leave, and their journey to a new life. My situation was not unique, a 20 year marriage, two children not yet teens, and a wife who appeared perfect to the world, but at home tormented us with her rage,demands and egocentric expectations. I wanted to briefly share my story with those still deciding what path to choose.

I can tell you at some point I finally broke.  :)uring a 6 week silent treatment, over what I had no clue, I decided if the chance came I would leave.  I couldn't just leave on my own, 20 years of training left me unable to make up my own mind. But during another rage/rant one night she proclaimed "We should get a divorce".  I replied "Yes, I think you are right ... .I will find another place to live this month".  She must have know I meant it, because in an instant she stop raging and decided we should make love.  BPD is a strange disorder!

I moved out about 3 weeks later. She was sort of ambivalent about the whole thing, and honestly I thought it would be a wake up call for her.  I was wrong.  It was a wake up call for me.  My oldest son summed it up well when he first came over.  He sat down in my living room, stretched his arms as if embracing my new place, and said ":)ad, it sure is nice to have somewhere to go where nobody is screaming at you".

Looking back, I remember some loneliness and depression, some anxiety perhaps.  But the thing I remember most is the peaceful feeling - the feeling that I was no longer someone's emotional punching bag. After that, it never occurred to me to return.  Oh, I made the effort - there was some marriage counseling where I was -surprise, surprise- painted as a monster because I didn't meet her every expectation. There was still the BPD attacks ... .late calls at night begging me to return, freezing my accounts, visits with a cake or pie accompanied by statements like " I baked you a cake, I know you must be feeling bad that I've moved on with my life".  I went to my own counseling and was told "It sounds like your wife had BPD, let me teach you coping skills".  That helped.  She went to counseling, and said "There is nothing wrong with me, the doctor said so".  She continued to go for about a year, and I saw some effort from her to better contain her rages, but she still refuses to say she has a problem.

It's been 6 years now, and 4 years since the divorce. I demanded 50/50 split of the kids, but it wasn't long before she drove my oldest son out and he moved in with me permanently. I have a home that I love, and I now look forward to the weekends (that's a big change from before!). I still get an occasional big dose of BPD, but I have learned lately that I can just not answer the phone... .and the text rages are a hoot to reread when I get bored!

Let me close with the thought that leaving is not easy, but there are rewards that, in my case, made it worth the pain. Co-parenting is a challenge, but a challenge with an end in sight.  I'm much closer to my kids now, and we have a home filled with laughter and peace.  I'm happier.  The kids are happier.  It was a long and painful trip, but the destination was worth it.

Hope this helps someone.

Bob

High freakin' five... .I'm four years separated, almost 2 1/2 years divorced, and I wish every man who was in our situation could read this. 

[Boss302]

Bob,

Thanks for sharing.  I myself just finished wrapping up divorce from my marriage of 26 years to uBPDw, now ex-uBPDw.   I too am quite enjoying the freedom to just be me without the constant questioning, being able to actually do what make me happy.

She went to counseling, and said "There is nothing wrong with me, the doctor said so".

 Got a laugh out of this, my ex keeps sending me emails stating the same thing, how everyone else in her life including her counselor say all the issues in relationship where definitely mine.  I have not blocked her email yet as I am biding my time should I need to take additional legal action.  However her most recent email of yesterday left actually made me smile and remember why I left - it started out  " I have been working very hard at recovery counseling and YOU have a lot of deep seeded issues to work on."

Divorced and she still tries to "diagnose" me.

And, of course, if you're divorced, then the marriage has failed, so what should she care what your remaining issues are? If you're that messed up, then she's through with you, and that's that. Right? Nope. She just wants to ENGAGE you some more.

There is a definite pathology to this illness that shows up over and over. My BPDx sometimes succeeds in sucking me in. And then I have to build up my boundaries again. I wish I could say that's a one time deal, but it's not. But over time, I've become far less engaged with her. Thank God.

[Boss302]

Empathic,

I have very strong feelings about MC... .your experience may very well be much different than mine.

I believe MC was the final blow to our marriage. We were separated but actually getting along pretty well.  On our first MC the counselor task us with homework to make a list of our issues and discuss each issue as it effected both of us.  We were not to bring emotion into this process. This "openness" was to bring understanding of each others feelings.

Guess what?  A BPD couldn't give a wit about anyone else's feelings, and they darn sure won't leave emotion out of it.  By the fourth "issue" she was crying and blaming me for all her woes - and it went downhill from there.  After that, we attended about 5 more sessions, but she dominated the sessions with her "issues" and painted me the bad guy the whole time. The counselor finally said the next session would only be about my issues. When I brought up  my concerns that she may have BPD, the counselor became angry that I was bringing up "stuff from the internet".  Never mind it was from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual!

And that was the end of that ... .we never went back.

My D13 went through a crisis earlier this year and her therapist suggested that BPDx and I would benefit from either therapy together, or a "co parenting course."

I called the person who offered the course, and told him my ex had BPD. He then asked me if she was in therapy for it; I told him she wasn't. His response: "don't waste your money."

Unfortunately, unless these folks are deeply, truly invested in their own recovery, you could locked together in a room for a solid month with Sigmund Freud and still not get anywhere. It's almost like dealing with addicts.

[Lucky Jim]

the thing I remember most is the peaceful feeling - the feeling that I was no longer someone's emotional punching bag. After that, it never occurred to me to return.

Well said, Bob.  It feels good to get off the roller coaster, doesn't it?  I don't miss the drama or worry any longer about what might be flying towards my head when I return home at night.

Lucky Jim

[bob88]

There is a definite pathology to this illness that shows up over and over. My BPDx sometimes succeeds in sucking me in. And then I have to build up my boundaries again. I wish I could say that's a one time deal, but it's not. But over time, I've become far less engaged with her. Thank God.

That's an interesting point, Boss302. Yes, I get sucked in to these fights too, but sometimes I think I occasionally allow myself to be sucked in - as if I am missing the drama.  Or maybe it's just a desire to see if I can win for once (yeah... .you know how that went!)

I don't miss the drama or worry any longer about what might be flying towards my head when I return home at night.

Another excellent point Lucky Jim, and I need to remind myself every time I head home how great it is not having to worry who I'm coming home to -  an angel or Satan Incarnate ... .

[Lucky Jim]

Thinking back on a time 6 years ago when I discovered this website, I remember my interest in reading on those who made a choice to leave, and their journey to a new life. My situation was not unique, a 20 year marriage, two children not yet teens, and a wife who appeared perfect to the world, but at home tormented us with her rage,demands and egocentric expectations.

Hey bob88, I could have written that post myself!  Thank you for articulating.  LJ