recycling

[Deeno02]

Folks, please give me some insight on recycling of the  BPD. Its my biggest fear. Im only 4 weeks into end of relationship. I was her first BF after her divorce, got dumped after a year and a half and now on toguy number 2, my replacement. How bad is the percentage that they will. In my current state, i would fall for it. Trying to get pointers so im not douched on again. Dong think i could handle it again. Thanks.

[Rise]

Hey Deeno. Sorry to hear you're going through this. I wish I had a better answer to give you, but truthfully, trying to predict the actions of someone that is driven by such unstable and overwhelming emotions is close to impossible. It's really going to depend on the individual, and the relationship. My ex and I went back and forth more times than I can remember. But there are way more guys she was just done with and never went back to. Point being, you just can't ever tell for sure how things are going to go with a person with BPD. That being the case, I'd suggest not worrying about it until it happens. You may never hear from your ex again, and it's not worth making yourself miserable worrying about something that just may not ever happen.

If your ex does reach out to you again, don't panic. I know it seems scary, but the truth is, you can only be recycled if you let yourself be. I know you may not feel like it, but you've got the power in this situation. And even if you don't realize it right this second, you can make it through it. Just remember even if she reaches out to you, there's no reason you have to respond or engage her.

Stay Strong,

Rise

[Infern0]

Mine is setting me up for a recycle as we speak and it does your head in. I think I might be going in for round 2.

If you are certain you want to be done for good then block every Avenue of contact.

I'm someone who swore blind I'd never go back and now I'm undecided. 

[Lucky One]

I've just joined this Board, after all the verbal & emotional abuse. :'(

This after a 38 year relationship, 32 years married. I've still got to leave.

Now, I'm learning to DETACH properly. Emotionally. Most frustrating!

These hooks and claws go deep - unbelievably so.

If I don't detach properly, I'll probably also have a recycling episode, from out of the trash can. No way man - I'd rather stay there - it's safer!

Who needs this - I want to enjoy life and be happy!

Think carefully.

"True Love" is easy to find - one just needs to KNOW what it really is. Define it properly.

[Trog]

My ex tried to recycle her exes all the time. While we were together or not, initially just to contact them but as every single one blocked her or ignored her it was impossible for her to recycle them but There is a very strong chance she will try if her supply is limited and dependent on how much damage has already done. I'd be highly surprised if she didn't try a very 'off the cuff' casual contact but I would urge you not to respond and actually I'd urge you to change all your contact details

[Deeno02]

The unfortunate aspect is that she coaches my son's HS volleyball team. While its not VB season, its coming up. My son drives so its not like I have to worry about practice. its just games I go to as well as parent e-mails. Im hoping Ive been devalued enough that Im not even of the list. But, as I was the first guy she dated after separation/divorce for a 1 and 1/2 years and fell head over heels with her and her 5 kids, Im worried.

[Lucky One]

The unfortunate aspect is that she coaches my son's HS volleyball team. While its not VB season, its coming up. My son drives so its not like I have to worry about practice. its just games I go to as well as parent e-mails. Im hoping Ive been devalued enough that Im not even of the list. But, as I was the first guy she dated after separation/divorce for a 1 and 1/2 years and fell head over heels with her and her 5 kids, Im worried.

I think we all need to be doing something NEW.

At least one thing. Two is better. Something we really enjoy and makes us truly happy.

Just make sure the pwBPD is far away, out of sight, and out of mind.

If we can do it once, we can do it a hundred times!

[Recooperating]

I just came out of another recycle, after being NC for 4 weeks.

It was great for 2 weeks, then all the BS and drama and abuse started all over again.

Because of all the information on this board I could see what he was doing. Devaluation, gaslighting, projection, isolating etc. In codependency therapy I learned to observe not absorb. Which means be detached from the behavior, recognizing it but not letting it pull me down or take it personal. That really helped!

In 4 weeks NC and after all the therapy and reading I had changed my behavior in the rs. I set boundaries, he didnt like it... .He is the type that always has problems, money, work, friends, family... .In the past I would solve his problems. This time around I emphatized, but told him I hoped he would be able to solve the issues... .I didnt try to fix... .He couldnt handle it, he said I acted weird, I didnt respond the way he wanted and he broke up with me after 4 weeks. I was quite fine with that, I noticed that after 2 weeks in the recycle all the drama I dont need came back in my life and I didnt want it. He now tries to contact me again... .But I am really done. I do not want this.

I really needed this recycle. I needed to experience it, to see that it is really not me, that it really doesnt work, that how mich he tells me he'll change... .He will always be the jerk! He has no empathy, its all about him and I just dont wish to be the emotional caretaker all the time.

My suggestion; if you really want to get back together, do so. I would however advice to set firm boundaries, detach a bit so you can recognize the patterns. Keep taking care of yourself first before taking care of your partner. If that works, then thats great and just maybe you'll have the story book ending. For me that didnt work, but I am ok with it now.

Best of luck. Follow your heart, but keep your mind involved too!

[Deeno02]

I think I have, Recooperating.  She said some pretty hurtful crap about my daughter as the relationship was decomposing. That will keep me from ever bringing her into my life. Just got to get through Volley Ball Season... .

[hope2727]

Recuperating

That was a great post. Thank you so much. I have been waiting for mine to break his NC with me and as time passes I wonder why I want this. Your post makes me understand my own feelings better. Yes I'd like to try with better knowledge and better skills but yes I have to be prepared that this likely won't make a difference. So thank you. Perhaps this is exactly what I needed to hear tonight.

[Recooperating]

You're very welcome hope2727. Glad this experience of mine was of some help to you!

Stay strong! I hope we will all feel better with time and can see things for what they truely are and be healed. 

[Lucky One]

I also wonder - why I want this, continual chaos!

It's a detachment problem. Mine. Takes time.

[hope2727]

Its like an addiction. The highs are so high that the lows seem bearable until they just aren't anymore. We chase the dragon and are perpetually after that initial high again.

I find seeing mine is like touching kryptonite. I lose all the strength I gained over these months of NC. I break down and cry and just feel completely defeated.

I have to bear in mind that I gave an honest, loving, supportive attempt to be a healthy partner in this relationship. I tried to work as a team and build a healthy life together. I didn't now he had a serious mental illness. I didn't know his ever changing position on things was a symptom. I didn't know that he was a broken soul who was incapable at this point of being in a healthy adult relationship. SO I was unprepared for what was about to happen.  Now I have to forgive myself for "failing" when failure was inevitable. 

If I decide to participate in a recycle I have to realize that if it doesn't work even with my new knowledge it is still not a failure. It is just not possible.

Meanwhile I have good and bad days. Yesterday was bad. I was soo sad. The day before was happy. So who knows. Perhaps in time it will improve to m ore happy less sad.

[ajr5679]

my ex recycled me after sixth months of nc. I went through hell for nine months with her. she also moved in her son that is a psychopath BPD . I lost my mind trying to save both. just to be abuse physically mentally . her son locked me in my room for three days with a broken ankle . he took my light bulb out, my tv. by this time my mind was gone. and I felt that it was all my fault . so this is how she punished me. when I got out of the mental hospital. she told me she was moving . so she took everything in the house. she did leave me with a knife a bowl. I asked her to leave me a chair from the porch she said no I need it. so that started her painting me black for two years. then her ex girlfriend broke up with her. so she wanted me back. and I took her back. my addiction came back to me . so we lasted for over a  year. she did not change she was still talking to the ex . she started to treat me bad again and brought her son back into my home . I had enough and I told her to move out. I never want her back in my life. if they recycle you, you will go through the same hell over and over again. it is not worth it. I was so addicted to her  now I have gave up four years trying to love someone that will never love me back. I think they just about you more the next time they recycle you because we allow them to .

[Lucky One]

Meanwhile I have good and bad days. Yesterday was bad. I was soo sad. The day before was happy. So who knows. Perhaps in time it will improve to more happy less sad.

I HOPE you have many more - happy days.    You are entitled to them.

Feeling sad, is normal. Yes, just try to really feel the sadness. Fully. Then ask yourself, what can I do about this. The Sadness. And then, DO IT

It's in your hands - we're all in the same boat, to help you, and help each other.

I know, I've FELT a lot of sadness as well. REAL BIG SADNESS. Ouch!

[Blimblam]

my ex recycled me after sixth months of nc. I went through hell for nine months with her. she also moved in her son that is a psychopath BPD . I lost my mind trying to save both. just to be abuse physically mentally . her son locked me in my room for three days with a broken ankle . he took my light bulb out, my tv. by this time my mind was gone. and I felt that it was all my fault . so this is how she punished me. when I got out of the mental hospital. she told me she was moving . so she took everything in the house. she did leave me with a knife a bowl. I asked her to leave me a chair from the porch she said no I need it. so that started her painting me black for two years. then her ex girlfriend broke up with her. so she wanted me back. and I took her back. my addiction came back to me . so we lasted for over a  year. she did not change she was still talking to the ex . she started to treat me bad again and brought her son back into my home . I had enough and I told her to move out. I never want her back in my life. if they recycle you, you will go through the same hell over and over again. it is not worth it. I was so addicted to her  now I have gave up four years trying to love someone that will never love me back. I think they just about you more the next time they recycle you because we allow them to .

Holly crap. That sucks!

I'm sorry man.  It's good you recognize the addiction and can write  about it so clearly now.

[Lucky One]

... ."they recycle you because we allow them to" .

Absolutely. Why do we allow them to recycle us?

That's the BIG question. Maybe they still love us, in their own "distorted way". And we want that "LOVE". But is it love. Is it real.

Or, maybe they enjoy seeing us suffer, or they know we are suckers for punishment!

Like me. 38 years in the relationship. 32 married.

Now preparing for a separation / divorce. After 38 years. Doesn't make sense!

Very cruel. Diabolical. Perhaps. Do they (SO's - significant others) even know what they are doing to us.

I think not!

[Rifka]

I think I have, Recooperating.  She said some pretty hurtful crap about my daughter as the relationship was decomposing. That will keep me from ever bringing her into my life. Just got to get through Volley Ball Season... .

Why can't you enroll your daughter in volleyball in the next town over? Why do you have to take her to the same place? Is it through school or extracurricular?

[Infern0]

If you guys want a recycle to "work" then you need to become a cold,  emotionally void ass like me. Actually I don't recommend that to anyone. I'm almost as bad as she is now,  in fact I'm worse because I know better don't I.

[Deeno02]

High School VB... .

[Blimblam]

If you guys want a recycle to "work" then you need to become a cold,  emotionally void ass like me. Actually I don't recommend that to anyone. I'm almost as bad as she is now,  in fact I'm worse because I know better don't I.

Yes the price you pay is your humanity

[FoolishMan]

If you guys want a recycle to "work" then you need to become a cold,  emotionally void ass like me. Actually I don't recommend that to anyone. I'm almost as bad as she is now,  in fact I'm worse because I know better don't I.

I've been reading your posts and there is no way you are the way you describe yourself. You can't become like that almost overnight. You are just going to go back for a recycle because you want to. Not because you are as you describe. I predict pain and suffering in your future and a lot of posts on here asking for help because of it.

NC NC NC it works for me. Mine is trying again after I've emabarrassed her replacement. I have no desire to go back because I've seen her true colors. Nothing she can say can convince me she ever cared about anyone but herself. That's not a good person to be with no matter how much she fits my idea of physical perfection.

[Deeno02]

FoolishMan,

How do I do it? So far been NC and I dont suspect any recycling because of her new BF. And thats cool with me. However, She is my sons HS volleyball coach and Im expecting some kind of contact just because of coaching. How do I handle it? I cant go back after the hurt she laid on me and the bad things she said about my daughter to my face at the B/U. How can I limit her interest in me again during this time? Im only a month out of B/U and theres been N/C for 11 days now.

[FoolishMan]

FoolishMan,

How do I do it? So far been NC and I dont suspect any recycling because of her new BF. And thats cool with me. However, She is my sons HS volleyball coach and Im expecting some kind of contact just because of coaching. How do I handle it? I cant go back after the hurt she laid on me and the bad things she said about my daughter to my face at the B/U. How can I limit her interest in me again during this time? Im only a month out of B/U and theres been N/C for 11 days now.

If it was me that soon after it all I simply couldn't have handled it. I was so lucky I had so many reminders around of my own sanity. Her two best pals told me she had a history of lying but not of cheating. They both do not have anything to do with her now. They are my friends and they value me. Same with my employees. I have had great pals for years, good people. Of course all this meant nothing during the so called R/S and at points I'd have given them all up.

Anyway, try to realise that your not to blame, the new guys not going to save her/him. She doesn't even want to be saved. She wants to pretend she wants happiness and stability but they crave madness. My ex could be so sweet, so homely, beg me to marry her, to protect her forever then go out with her pals get wasted and come home next day telling me I was a control freak for expecting her home at 4am. She's nuts, her pals now are idiots. I know this. In time you will see it too.

It wasn't easy. In fact I'd say this years been really hard and I've not had it easy in life but I've did ok. I can look back on it and see that she wasn't who I wanted her to be, nor who she wanted to be herself. I've cried, felt pain in my stomach and chest that was unreal. I've been sick. I've sent the emails. Bumped into her accidentally all the stuff people who want back with them do. I've let her pull me back in a bit then been insulted and destroyed. So don't feel bad about yourself. Just don't dare blame yourself. I spent a lot of time in the early days on the staying board. I suppose if your happy being a cuckold or punchbag then you could learn "how to manage BPD" but I think unless you are masochistic then this is a bad idea.

Now as for ruminating. Well I was thinking of fairy tales and how sad I supposed she must have been inside to do this to me... .after a couple of months I realised this was crap and I was kidding myself on... .she was a slut. She wants what she wants when she wants it. I look back and see it all. More lies await. She does it naturally. I think the last thing to do is think about the stuff they said and did. People on here are posting about what an ex did and said 6 months ago and asking what it means? It means that paBPD are crazy insane and that's all it means. Don't get sucked in by psychobabble either. Just lean to despise her and her actions towards you. I'm at a point where I know I could walk in on her and replacement, slap him and be having sex with her 15 mins later. I do not want such disgusting stuff in my life. I will take a normal sex life with a normal girl. I will take honesty over deceit. If a girl needs more than me in her life to be happy then that's not my problem.

Look at staying and undecided and ask yourself "why would I do that to myself?" Life's for livng not hurting.

[FoolishMan]

Also just give it time. Take it a day at a time. If u feel weak do something that makes you feel strong. I mean physically or mentally. Smile. Be happy that you are away. It would have gotten worse.

A thing I do if my mind sometimes thinks of the good times on it's own is then imagine our best meal out or best sex or whatever but imagine four or five other guys there too. Some bigger some smaller, some uglier and some more handsome. We all shared her. She's adamant she cheated only once. Of course i caught her red handed and wrecked a house and a guy. Just what she wanted. Anyway no matter what she says, there were others getting details of our R/S getting flirted with. Any special sex trick she does well that's for everyone although she says it's her first time. Just imagine all those sweet nothing's you whispered to each other, passed along like Chinese whispers. Nothing was special, none of it. But I cN have special with someone else. Someone who is who they are.

[FoolishMan]

FoolishMan,

How do I do it? So far been NC and I dont suspect any recycling because of her new BF. And thats cool with me. However, She is my sons HS volleyball coach and Im expecting some kind of contact just because of coaching. How do I handle it? I cant go back after the hurt she laid on me and the bad things she said about my daughter to my face at the B/U. How can I limit her interest in me again during this time? Im only a month out of B/U and theres been N/C for 11 days now.

Get this volley ball issue sorted mate or you are in for a real nitemare. Can't you go to another place? She will be relishing hurting you. Do not fall into any traps please. Outsmart her. Do not let old emotions come into it.

[Deeno02]

I was the first out of the shoot Foolish man. Picked her up after husband left, got her through the death of her mother, Divorce, alimony issues, dealing with her Fibromyalgia, 5 kids plus my 2 kids, 2 separate households, child visitation issues with her ex, chaos of 5 kids with vollyball and travel soccer, and I was there the whole time, even when I was dealing with my own problems from the wars, I was there as much as I could. Idealization phase 101, I was the poster child. Once she got her career going, her schedule was even worse. But yet it was my fault that we didnt spend enough time together and I think the devalue began especially when we couldnt go away as she requested before her schedule got heavy. I just couldnt afford it. I was up front with that and thats when it began in earnest. I own my parts of the failure. But then I was accused of lying, accused of thinking that her and her kids were pains in the ass and I had better things to do then be with them, yelled at for serving her kids food and breaking her pattern, yelled at for trying to put a trash can liner in, never allowed to take kids anywhere to help her out, and I still was stupid blind. On top of all the better treat me special or else threats finally broke me and I went NC. When I collected my thoughts about a week later, I was dumped and then replaced a day later. The Volley Ball thing I cant help. Its High School. My son will be driving so I dont need to go to practice and pick him up, so thats good. All I have to worry about is games and of course functions the team may have. I plan on acting as Aloof as I possible can and let my ex wife handle as much as possible(shes been fully informed, including the bad things she said about our daughter), so she's ready. This has been by far worse than my divorce and barely tolerating it.

[Rifka]

High School VB... .

That does make it quite difficult!

[Deeno02]

Yeah Rifka, but I think my plan will work. Im 50 freaking years old for god sakes. I dont need this crap. Fortunately, its still a few months off yet. Im staying as indifferent to her taking up oxygen as I can, even though I will be on pins and needles inside.

[Duped11years]

Deeno, I knew I would have to run into my exBPDgf and have been dreading it as im approaching 2 weeks NC. I read voraciously about the disorder to develop a full understanding what she is & a resentment of her. I also played back endlessly how she acted & the things she said. i wanted to develop a scab to her. I was the one that made the final ending & in the past, I have never gone longer than a few days before I crawled back (she never would, liked the power of me wimpering back) so Ive wondered what she's thinking... .hurt? angry? revengeful?  I was determined to put a completely normal, unemotional face & attitude when we met.

I ran into her this past weekend, I totally acted normal, & she was visably distressed, wouldnt make eye contact, & broke away to talk to someone else. She is upset, I didnt expect it really, but I think she hates losing her power in spite of her driving the final ending by her out of control behavior.  If I were you, i'd work on trying not letting your emotions show & walk up to her & say something like 'wow, looks like its going to be a good season, you have some great players out there, good luck!"   Then smile and walk away.  I felt empowered to continue moving on after my encounter & I hope you get that same feeling...

[FoolishMan]

I was the first out of the shoot Foolish man. Picked her up after husband left, got her through the death of her mother, Divorce, alimony issues, dealing with her Fibromyalgia, 5 kids plus my 2 kids, 2 separate households, child visitation issues with her ex, chaos of 5 kids with vollyball and travel soccer, and I was there the whole time, even when I was dealing with my own problems from the wars, I was there as much as I could. Idealization phase 101, I was the poster child. Once she got her career going, her schedule was even worse. But yet it was my fault that we didnt spend enough time together and I think the devalue began especially when we couldnt go away as she requested before her schedule got heavy. I just couldnt afford it. I was up front with that and thats when it began in earnest. I own my parts of the failure. But then I was accused of lying, accused of thinking that her and her kids were pains in the ass and I had better things to do then be with them, yelled at for serving her kids food and breaking her pattern, yelled at for trying to put a trash can liner in, never allowed to take kids anywhere to help her out, and I still was stupid blind. On top of all the better treat me special or else threats finally broke me and I went NC. When I collected my thoughts about a week later, I was dumped and then replaced a day later. The Volley Ball thing I cant help. Its High School. My son will be driving so I dont need to go to practice and pick him up, so thats good. All I have to worry about is games and of course functions the team may have. I plan on acting as Aloof as I possible can and let my ex wife handle as much as possible(shes been fully informed, including the bad things she said about our daughter), so she's ready. This has been by far worse than my divorce and barely tolerating it.

I can imagine. Well be aloof. It's all you can do. She won't be the same. Maybe for half an hour if she is really upset about another relationship failure. But that will be it now. So if you don't have to go, don't.

My ex has smeared me and all the rest of it although I'm pretty well known and trusted in local area through my construction company and she has so far failed I'd say. Don't worry, you are not a failure in any way. She is, completely. It's going to be hard but it will get easier. She was never the right woman for you, no matter how much you miss her. It's tragic and painful but that's that it's all done now.

When you read this site especially the forum you see a huge pattern of abuse and none of us can break that pattern, that cycle. Not by wishing, not by trying and not by staying. Only by leaving can you break free of the madness and abuse.

[FoolishMan]

As in same as she was during the good times. She's the evil bad cold heart you are terrified of. Yes I was petrified too. Now she's just an idiot to me, a lowlife.