Still Can't find closure

[peiper]

Its been almost four months since she walked out for no reason, filed a bogus DV charge, got a restraining order and divorced me. The night after she walked out I found pictures she had taken in Phx. a little over a month after we were married with some guy. Heck we had only been married five months. She recycled me at least four times before this. Even after all of this I want to hear from her. I have to get her out of my head !

[peiper]

I just don't get how someone can just walk away like that and so soon after being married.

[Deeno02]

I wasnt married to mine and only together for a year and a half, but the damage is horrible. Dumped one day, with another the next. Devalued at its finest. She didnt even mourn the relationship.

[Blimblam]

Pieper

I'm sorry man.  I know it hurts extremely badly.

She had to because she's to scared to face her own inner pain.

It most likely had nothing to do with you.

As hard as it is to accept it was nothing personal

I'm really sorry man.

Where ever you are in yourself right now is where you are as hard as that is to accept.

Unfortunately there is no fast forward button

[ReluctantSurvivor]

They walk away because they don't have the values you do.  Some people view marriage as a sacred vow, the ultimate committment.  Sadly other people say yes but are not serious.  It is cruel, it is not fair, the whole thing is a pile of sh't.  

 Good news, you can grow nice flowers with a pile of bovine excrement.

[blissful_camper]

Its been almost four months since she walked out for no reason, filed a bogus DV charge, got a restraining order and divorced me. The night after she walked out I found pictures she had taken in Phx. a little over a month after we were married with some guy. Heck we had only been married five months. She recycled me at least four times before this. Even after all of this I want to hear from her. I have to get her out of my head !

You've been through a lot.  Four months is pretty recent.  Give yourself more time to process what you experienced. 

If you spoke with her, what things would you want to hear her say? 

Hang in there.  You'll get through this. 

[peiper]

Well the last time she split for no reason she called up out of the blue after a few months and said her life was crap without me and she loved me. It would be nice to hear something along those lines,

[fred6]

Well the last time she split for no reason she called up out of the blue after a few months and said her life was crap without me and she loved me. It would be nice to hear something along those lines,

Not in the long run. It would all just happen again. Stay strong bro!

[Blimblam]

Well the last time she split for no reason she called up out of the blue after a few months and said her life was crap without me and she loved me. It would be nice to hear something along those lines,

I know that feeling. 

When i feel that way A part of me is saying why? Why? Why?

What is it that you are seeking that is being projected onto the image of her you percieve as outside yourself?

[peiper]

Well the last time she split for no reason she called up out of the blue after a few months and said her life was crap without me and she loved me. It would be nice to hear something along those lines,

I know that feeling. 

When i feel that way A part of me is saying why? Why? Why?

What is it that you are seeking that is being projected onto the image of her you percieve as outside yourself?

Blim, that I can go from being the most important thing in her life to nothing to her so fast. It hurts. When I married her it was for life to me.

[BlackandBlue]

Im about 7 months out of the relationship and have been NC for almost 4 months. I'm slowing getting better but I'm still looking for closure I guess... .I'm waiting for an apology that probably is never going to come. This has been the worst think I've ever encountered.

[blissful_camper]

Well the last time she split for no reason she called up out of the blue after a few months and said her life was crap without me and she loved me. It would be nice to hear something along those lines,

I know that feeling. 

When i feel that way A part of me is saying why? Why? Why?

What is it that you are seeking that is being projected onto the image of her you percieve as outside yourself?

Blim, that I can go from being the most important thing in her life to nothing to her so fast. It hurts. When I married her it was for life to me.

That's one of the things that really confused and hurt me too.  I thought that I meant something to him, and then suddenly it appeared that I meant nothing at all.  

It seems as though you're wanting validation from her.  I understand that.  I wanted that too.  The question I asked myself, was why did I want validation from someone who had mistreated me?  

It's natural to want to make sense of what you experienced.  I think that's an important step in the healing process -- understanding, embracing, and accepting it.  Is there a way for you to reframe some of your questions and thoughts, so that your focus is redirected inward?  :)o you feel ready to do that?  

[peiper]

I hope I am Bliss, right now my head is still spinning and my heart really hurts. This whole thing just really stinks.

[peiper]

And thank you 

[Blimblam]

Well the last time she split for no reason she called up out of the blue after a few months and said her life was crap without me and she loved me. It would be nice to hear something along those lines,

I know that feeling. 

When i feel that way A part of me is saying why? Why? Why?

What is it that you are seeking that is being projected onto the image of her you percieve as outside yourself?

Blim, that I can go from being the most important thing in her life to nothing to her so fast. It hurts. When I married her it was for life to me.

I know man I know.

I made a life pact bond to my ex also.

When that bond is made she becomes a part of you. That part of you feels like pain extremely intense pain. She's not gone. The person is gone and she is somone else now but you are a part of her too.

[blissful_camper]

I'm sorry that you're going through this.  I know how painful it is.  Continue posting on the forum, sharing your thoughts and feelings.  Vent.  We're here to support you. 

What are you doing for yourself to get your mind thinking about other things?  Yes, it's important to process, and it's equally important to do things for yourself to reinforce your sense of wellbeing. 

Are there activities that you enjoy that'll provide relief?  (Hiking, reading a book, watching a movie, making a good meal, going out to coffee with a friend)  I found that when I got out and did something for me (even if it was just to take a walk) it cleared my mind and I felt more grounded.  Have faith that you'll get through this. 

[peiper]

That's good advise, since it happened I haven't felt like doing anything. The rug really got yanked out from under my feet on this one.

[blissful_camper]

Yep, that's how I felt too.  For me, it was hard getting out there to do much of anything outside of work.  I just didn't feel like it.  I was tired.  I was upset and hurting. 

At first, the things I enjoyed didn't bring me as much joy as they had previously.  But as I continued doing them, I started feeling a whole lot better.  Be patient with yourself. 

It really helps if you can find an activity that is therapeutic and that requires you to focus on that activity.  It'll give your mind a break from what you're experiencing now.  It'll help build your confidence in yourself, and your ability to get through this. 

[peiper]

The worst part of this is she has me brainwashed into thinking its all my fault, even though I know deep inside its not.

[peiper]

I just don't get it, I would have given my life for her. I just want to crawl under a rock and die.

[SWLSR]

For tbose of us who are nons we all know ur pain.  In time you will come to understand nothing and no one means anything to them.  They will say anything they want to get what they want at the time but there promises are always hollow.  In time ypu will come out better than she will and that is most likely wjen you will hear from her.

[blissful_camper]

The worst part of this is she has me brainwashed into thinking its all my fault, even though I know deep inside its not.

I know that it's unsettling, and confusing.  What you know, is what counts.  Honor that, and try to remove what she thinks from the equation.  You did the best that you could under the circumstances.  Hold onto that, and let go of her opinion.    

[blissful_camper]

I just don't get it, I would have given my life for her. I just want to crawl under a rock and die.

Be thankful that you cannot comprehend someone mistreating a loved one.  Educate yourself through the many articles and posts on this forum.  The more you read, the better you'll understand what you experienced.  It's not about you.  Go easy on yourself right now. 

[Rifka]

I just don't get it, I would have given my life for her. I just want to crawl under a rock and die.

The thing is that you are not ever going to get it.

The thing you need to try to understand is that she has a mental illness that she can't control.

You need to understand that there is nothing that you can do to fix her, you did nothing wrong.

She is sick!

This sickness tears apart anybody who intimately or emotionally gets too close it!

I am truly so sorry that you too have faced this monster disorder. We are all the survivors of it as well!

It's devastating and takes your breath away from the intense pain.

I will tell you that pain lessens with time. I know it's hard to believe but it really does go away.

Please try to take care of yourself and post your feelings here.

I am two months out and am feeling so much better than the first weeks I was posting. There are wonderful people here who have been through so many experiences and shared feelings.

You are among friends who have also felt this intense confusion and pain. Share your feelings and try to read as much as possible here to understand this disorder. It will help you heal.

Hugs to you!

Rifka

[Blimblam]

The thing is that you are not ever going to get it.

Rifka I think you may be projecting here. It

Is possible to be understood but it is an extremely confusing process.  I am begining to decode the projections how I identified them what that triggered in her etc.

Using the tools of the karpman triangle and schema modes and archytpes. Provides a framework for it to be understood. It requires a painfull look at ones self and identifying the different archytipical energies we identify with.

[Loveofhislife]

When i feel that way A part of me is saying why? Why? Why?

What is it that you are seeking that is being projected onto the image of her you percieve as outside yourself?

That is the pivotal question for me, Blim. Peiper--as a mechanism for me to try to answer the question for me--my T suggested going back and trying to remember what he said and did during idealization. He is a brilliant and resourceful software developer who cracked my code; now I need to try to find it. T said--he was a proxy for what I need to be doing and saying and seeing and listening to me. He SAW me; he NOTICED me: the me that no one else sees. That is who he was projecting onto (if I'm getting Blim right)--forgive the pun, but he was my pied piper that I would have followed into harms way and eventually drowned. In the oddest way, he cracked the code FOR ME; now it's my job to follow his code without the control and abuse. He actually gave me a great blessing; and his abandoning me probably saved my life.

[Blimblam]

Loved of his life

It was an open ended question it will mean something different to everyone depending on where we are at in ourselves.

My self have been focused on understanding what happened in the devaluation and fog. As that is when I was confused the most.

I will eventually focus on the code of the initial stages. 

It is mind boggling comfusing and painful to reflect in this way for me.  It forces me to confront my denials and narcisism.

[peiper]

I think one of the biggest problems in my head was something my T said. When I told him that it didn't make any sense because she had left over 20 k worth of her stuff, ie her brand new appliances, just remodeled the kitchen with her money, new tankless water heater, two flat screen TVs and just walked away and let me keep it all, he responded that's because she always planned on coming back, she was just punishing you. Now how does a person punish by destroying a marriage ?

[Loveofhislife]

I think one of the biggest problems in my head was something my T said. When I told him that it didn't make any sense because she had left over 20 k worth of her stuff, ie her brand new appliances, just remodeled the kitchen with her money, new tankless water heater, two flat screen TVs and just walked away and let me keep it all, he responded that's because she always planned on coming back, she was just punishing you. Now how does a person punish by destroying a marriage ?

Peiper: I get the first part of what the T said--but as my very wise 18 year old daughter was explaining to me about power struggles is that your/my ex may be using this as leverage to feel "in control" or "winning" or she's using it as a bookmark for future recycling and contact with you. I asked a very similar question tonight--if he is SO over me, why won't he at least put my key under the front door mat of my house as I requested. And he has a lot of my other stuff too, but wise daughter says he wants me to ask for it, beg for it: keeps the game going. All seems pretty ridiculous to me--especially after they've stomped all over our hearts and lives.

[peiper]

I think one of the biggest problems in my head was something my T said. When I told him that it didn't make any sense because she had left over 20 k worth of her stuff, ie her brand new appliances, just remodeled the kitchen with her money, new tankless water heater, two flat screen TVs and just walked away and let me keep it all, he responded that's because she always planned on coming back, she was just punishing you. Now how does a person punish by destroying a marriage ?

Peiper: I get the first part of what the T said--but as my very wise 18 year old daughter was explaining to me about power struggles is that your/my ex may be using this as leverage to feel "in control" or "winning" or she's using it as a bookmark for future recycling and contact with you. I asked a very similar question tonight--if he is SO over me, why won't he at least put my key under the front door mat of my house as I requested. And he has a lot of my other stuff too, but wise daughter says he wants me to ask for it, beg for it: keeps the game going. All seems pretty ridiculous to me--especially after they've stomped all over our hearts and lives.

Actually he's been right on the money so far and it makes sense. I wouldn't care if I was worth a million I would have taken my things and asked for half of the cost for the home improvements I had paid for.

[Loveofhislife]

Loved of his life

It was an open ended question it will mean something different to everyone depending on where we are at in ourselves.

My self have been focused on understanding what happened in the devaluation and fog. As that is when I was confused the most.

I will eventually focus on the code of the initial stages. 

It is mind boggling comfusing and painful to reflect in this way for me.  It forces me to confront my denials and narcisism.

Thanks again--is a great question for me to ponder. The devaluation always felt like it was power struggle and control. The Silent Treatment followed by total abandonment has got me doing the why? Why? Why? Like Peioer's T said, I think it started out as a punishment and exbfBPD decided it was giving him the control he wanted/needed. My T says he loves imagining me twirling around on a spit of his making. But the real question is why do I remain so devastated by it? Perhaps it is, in part, some of my own narcissism. OUCH! That hurts. Please keep posting about your own self discoveries on the archetype path. 2010 once wrote that exbfBPD was likely feeling controlled by me; hence the Silent Protector. He also wrote that his ST was causing me pain because my r/s may have been the first time I was heard and that when exbfBPD went silent; I lost my voice. I think that's close, but I'm pretty sequential and feel like I've got to start from the beginning: idealization.

[peiper]

Loved of his life

It was an open ended question it will mean something different to everyone depending on where we are at in ourselves.

My self have been focused on understanding what happened in the devaluation and fog. As that is when I was confused the most.

I will eventually focus on the code of the initial stages. 

It is mind boggling comfusing and painful to reflect in this way for me.  It forces me to confront my denials and narcisism.

Thanks again--is a great question for me to ponder. The devaluation always felt like it was power struggle and control. The Silent Treatment followed by total abandonment has got me doing the why? Why? Why? Like Peioer's T said, I think it started out as a punishment and exbfBPD decided it was giving him the control he wanted/needed. My T says he loves imagining me twirling around on a spit of his making. But the real question is why do I remain so devastated by it? Perhaps it is, in part, some of my own narcissism. OUCH! That hurts. Please keep posting about your own self discoveries on the archetype path. 2010 once wrote that exbfBPD was likely feeling controlled by me; hence the Silent Protector. He also wrote that his ST was causing me pain because my r/s may have been the first time I was heard and that when exbfBPD went silent; I lost my voice. I think that's close, but I'm pretty sequential and feel like I've got to start from the beginning: idealization.

I think that makes perfect sense, that it started out as punishment.

[Blimblam]

Loved of his life

It was an open ended question it will mean something different to everyone depending on where we are at in ourselves.

My self have been focused on understanding what happened in the devaluation and fog. As that is when I was confused the most.

I will eventually focus on the code of the initial stages. 

It is mind boggling comfusing and painful to reflect in this way for me.  It forces me to confront my denials and narcisism.

Thanks again--is a great question for me to ponder. The devaluation always felt like it was power struggle and control. The Silent Treatment followed by total abandonment has got me doing the why? Why? Why? Like Peioer's T said, I think it started out as a punishment and exbfBPD decided it was giving him the control he wanted/needed. My T says he loves imagining me twirling around on a spit of his making. But the real question is why do I remain so devastated by it? Perhaps it is, in part, some of my own narcissism. OUCH! That hurts. Please keep posting about your own self discoveries on the archetype path. 2010 once wrote that exbfBPD was likely feeling controlled by me; hence the Silent Protector. He also wrote that his ST was causing me pain because my r/s may have been the first time I was heard and that when exbfBPD went silent; I lost my voice. I think that's close, but I'm pretty sequential and feel like I've got to start from the beginning: idealization.

Getting to this place where we can begin to self reflect in this way is a pretty huge step. For me at least.  It took a nervous break down about 800 hours of meditation and shooting my own foot over and over. And 4 months of not seeing her.

[Deeno02]

I took all the blame. It was easier that way

[Blimblam]

I took all the blame. It was easier that way

Please try not to beat yourself up though. Hard not to do when you take that route

[Blimblam]

Loved of his life

It was an open ended question it will mean something different to everyone depending on where we are at in ourselves.

My self have been focused on understanding what happened in the devaluation and fog. As that is when I was confused the most.

I will eventually focus on the code of the initial stages. 

It is mind boggling comfusing and painful to reflect in this way for me.  It forces me to confront my denials and narcisism.

Thanks again--is a great question for me to ponder. The devaluation always felt like it was power struggle and control. The Silent Treatment followed by total abandonment has got me doing the why? Why? Why? Like Peioer's T said, I think it started out as a punishment and exbfBPD decided it was giving him the control he wanted/needed. My T says he loves imagining me twirling around on a spit of his making. But the real question is why do I remain so devastated by it? Perhaps it is, in part, some of my own narcissism. OUCH! That hurts. Please keep posting about your own self discoveries on the archetype path. 2010 once wrote that exbfBPD was likely feeling controlled by me; hence the Silent Protector. He also wrote that his ST was causing me pain because my r/s may have been the first time I was heard and that when exbfBPD went silent; I lost my voice. I think that's close, but I'm pretty sequential and feel like I've got to start from the beginning: idealization.

For me my narcisism was linked to my denial durring the devaluing and after the discard. Which was linked to my projecting some bright happy future in the idealization.

[Deeno02]

I know Blimblam. I didn't want to fight with her. I do know after reading and venting here that I don't own it all. Hell, I don't even own most of it. It was just easier to remove myself from the toxic moment.

[peiper]

Loved of his life

It was an open ended question it will mean something different to everyone depending on where we are at in ourselves.

My self have been focused on understanding what happened in the devaluation and fog. As that is when I was confused the most.

I will eventually focus on the code of the initial stages. 

It is mind boggling comfusing and painful to reflect in this way for me.  It forces me to confront my denials and narcisism.

Thanks again--is a great question for me to ponder. The devaluation always felt like it was power struggle and control. The Silent Treatment followed by total abandonment has got me doing the why? Why? Why? Like Peioer's T said, I think it started out as a punishment and exbfBPD decided it was giving him the control he wanted/needed. My T says he loves imagining me twirling around on a spit of his making. But the real question is why do I remain so devastated by it? Perhaps it is, in part, some of my own narcissism. OUCH! That hurts. Please keep posting about your own self discoveries on the archetype path. 2010 once wrote that exbfBPD was likely feeling controlled by me; hence the Silent Protector. He also wrote that his ST was causing me pain because my r/s may have been the first time I was heard and that when exbfBPD went silent; I lost my voice. I think that's close, but I'm pretty sequential and feel like I've got to start from the beginning: idealization.

For me my narcisism was linked to my denial durring the devaluing and after the discard. Which was linked to my projecting some bright happy future in the idealization.

Blim could you go a little deeper please ?

[peiper]

I know Blimblam. I didn't want to fight with her. I do know after reading and venting here that I don't own it all. Hell, I don't even own most of it. It was just easier to remove myself from the toxic moment.

[/quote I know exactly what you mean Deeno !

[Blimblam]

Loved of life

Your very welcome.

Pieper

Ok I'll try. It's not always east for me to get into that state without a trigger.

We'll durring the devalue discard phase. Which is not trully a discard btw. Things were going downhill in the relationship but I clung to the power of love notion and everything I projected onto my ex and she had extracted from me to mirror as a visage of hope things would go back to how they were. Also I began to bend and be more accommodating with the expectation she would reciprocate. When she didn't I became resentful.

By that point I had already became dependent on her for validation and I could feel everything she felt but I bought into her gaslighting because I was in denial.

In the begining I had this idea she would get a sense of my devotion and ability to turn drama into a satirical game to desolve it. This is how I got through her dysregulation early on and them she would reward me by deifying me. This caused me to overlook that those times were actually bad because it activated my vulnerable narcissism to remember the reward at the end. This was actually conditioning me to repress my concerns because "it always works out in then end because I'm such a great guy" line I was telling myself.

So I was basically conditioned to try to find a solution to things durring the devaluing. What I projected as the solution in the begining kept me stuck within that paradigm when she was craving drama later on. She was treating me how she wanted to be treated which was like crap and used.  When I didn't provide that for her it was projected into me and was basically a time bomb waiting to go off.  Yet I kept repressing my emotions to uphold my narcisistic image of how I wanted things to be rather than how they were.

[Blimblam]

I want to add the fact I refused to treat her like crap is a sign of my character. I didn't leave right away because I believed in us which under normal circumstances would be healthy narcisism if a relationship got a little stale. This though was abuse and I was in denial of it trying to get it right this time.

Later on I acted out of desperation wanting us to make amends.  I wanted her to forgive herself. Yet I persisted which was narcisistic of me.

[peiper]

Loved of life

Your very welcome.

Pieper

Ok I'll try. It's not always east for me to get into that state without a trigger.

We'll durring the devalue discard phase. Which is not trully a discard btw. Things were going downhill in the relationship but I clung to the power of love notion and everything I projected onto my ex and she had extracted from me to mirror as a visage of hope things would go back to how they were. Also I began to bend and be more accommodating with the expectation she would reciprocate. When she didn't I became resentful.

By that point I had already became dependent on her for validation and I could feel everything she felt but I bought into her gaslighting because I was in denial.

In the begining I had this idea she would get a sense of my devotion and ability to turn drama into a satirical game to desolve it. This is how I got through her dysregulation early on and them she would reward me by deifying me. This caused me to overlook that those times were actually bad because it activated my vulnerable narcissism to remember the reward at the end. This was actually conditioning me to repress my concerns because "it always works out in then end because I'm such a great guy" line I was telling myself.

So I was basically conditioned to try to find a solution to things durring the devaluing. What I projected as the solution in the begining kept me stuck within that paradigm when she was craving drama later on. She was treating me how she wanted to be treated which was like crap and used.  When I didn't provide that for her it was projected into me and was basically a time bomb waiting to go off.  Yet I kept repressing my emotions to uphold my narcisistic image of how I wanted things to be rather than how they were.

That makes perfect sense Blim, thank you !

[irishmarmot]

Peiper just want to let you know that you are not alone.  My expwBPD also got a bogus restraining order.  It's been 9 months NC and I wanted to hear from her also.  I also want her out of my head permanently!   I am beginning to find closure by realizing that she has a serious mental illness that presents itself with chaotic personal relationships...   That is the hallmark of BPD.  Understanding that point and being a compassionate person i cant help but be filled with empathy for her.  But I have to take care of myself and i am not looking to babysit my partners moods for the rest of my life.

[Loveofhislife]

Absolutely amazing thread--thank you, Peiper, for starting it; Deeno--sometimes we do what we do to survive; I would be in better shape (I think) had I accepted ANY blame for the r/s (which I have not). My anger and blame has continued to be focused on me after the fact. But at least I got out alive: something those closest to me were beginning to worry about. Talks of an "intervention" to get me out of the relationship had ensued by early summer. But I refused to let go--Blim's description of his narcissism sounds familiar. I would add grandiosity to mine, "He would NEVER leave me; he would NEVER betray me; he would NEVER lie, cheat, and steal." He had sabotaged himself and every other relationship (that I knew about) in is life. No one was immune--how could I think I would be different? Therein lies some if my own narcissistic thinking. Yuk  

[peiper]

Absolutely amazing thread--thank you, Peiper, for starting it; Deeno--sometimes we do what we do to survive; I would be in better shape (I think) had I accepted ANY blame for the r/s (which I have not). My anger and blame has continued to be focused on me after the fact. But at least I got out alive: something those closest to me were beginning to worry about. Talks of an "intervention" to get me out of the relationship had ensued by early summer. But I refused to let go--Blim's description of his narcissism sounds familiar. I would add grandiosity to mine, "He would NEVER leave me; he would NEVER betray me; he would NEVER lie, cheat, and steal." He had sabotaged himself and every other relationship (that I knew about) in is life. No one was immune--how could I think I would be different? Therein lies some if my own narcissistic thinking. Yuk   Ditto !

[Rifka]

The thing is that you are not ever going to get it.

Rifka I think you may be projecting here. It

Is possible to be understood but it is an extremely confusing process.  I am begining to decode the projections how I identified them what that triggered in her etc.

Using the tools of the karpman triangle and schema modes and archytpes. Provides a framework for it to be understood. It requires a painfull look at ones self and identifying the different archytipical energies we identify with.

Yes thanks Blimblam,

Some will and some won't, depends on each individual.

It is really a lot of reading and internal work to get there.

[blissful_camper]

Hi Peiper,

Achieving closure doesn't require your ex's participation.   The closure that you seek is within you. 

I received an apology and explanation from my ex, and while it momentarily provided relief, the interaction didn't provide closure.   (It raised more questions)

Closure came when I let go.  The process of letting go began when I redirected my focus (away from him). 

[peiper]

Bliss what type of questions did it raise ? Im trying to get the focus off of her, but she kinda left me a financial wreck so I get reminded frequently.

[2014]

This.

Also, the disorder is your closure. Its the only way.

Hi Peiper,

Achieving closure doesn't require your ex's participation.   The closure that you seek is within you. 

I received an apology and explanation from my ex, and while it momentarily provided relief, the interaction didn't provide closure.   (It raised more questions)

Closure came when I let go.  The process of letting go began when I redirected my focus (away from him). 

[blissful_camper]

Bliss what type of questions did it raise ? Im trying to get the focus off of her, but she kinda left me a financial wreck so I get reminded frequently.

It raised more questions for me about our involvement, and what had occurred between us.  It added another layer of confusion to my confusion.  

Many on this forum have experienced financial loss as a result of their r/s.   I was left a financial wreck too.  I had to take responsibility for that financial loss.  

It was my choice to invest in my r/s, both emotionally and financially.  I made a poor choice when I entered the r/s with my ex.  I've explored why I made that choice, and I've forgiven myself.  (I forgive him too)  It was a difficult but important lesson for me.    

[Loveofhislife]

Peiper and Bliss--the financial wreck is certainly a "tangible" and lasting negative outcome of the relationship on top of the destruction of our emotional and physical plants, children, jobs, friends and family. I think it's been easier to focus on the financial than the damage to my credibility and psyche. As the "lonely child" who strives for understanding, I continue to try to make sense of it all. He certainly used me: for money amidst many other things. It is a sick feeling realizing you were used and likely replaced. Just inconceivable.

[peiper]

We were used on so many levels ! Used and replaced, I think that's what hurts the most.

[blissful_camper]

Yes, it's inconceivable.  

I've let go of all of it.  (Feeling used, financial loss, the list goes on)  It has fallen away.  I'm at peace with it. 

[Waifed]

Well the last time she split for no reason she called up out of the blue after a few months and said her life was crap without me and she loved me. It would be nice to hear something along those lines,

I know that feeling. 

When i feel that way A part of me is saying why? Why? Why?

What is it that you are seeking that is being projected onto the image of her you percieve as outside yourself?

Blim, that I can go from being the most important thing in her life to nothing to her so fast. It hurts. When I married her it was for life to me.

Peiper

Her actions speak volumes to what kind of character she has. She has low morals and probably lacks respect for everyone but the next person she "falls in love with".  I know it is hard to see through the pain and abuse you have suffered but you deserve better than this. She is a damaged soul who can only be saved by herself and the odds are that this will never happen.

You have the opportunity to break free from this trauma and take back your life. The closure will come from within but you can not get their until realize that the shame you feel is unjustified. You loved a person who was not capable of reciprocating. You gave to a person who could only receive and not give back. She probably doesn't want to hurt you but her needs have control over her actions. You deserve much better for yourself. Everyone deserves better. In time these things will be clear to you, but for now you must grieve and let the anger come and pass. It is a process. The process begins when our pain is greater than our love.

Commit yourself to getting over this. Find out why you have low self esteem and work to build it. Nobody in this world is better than anyone else. We are equal and only separated by varying degrees of reality. There is a partner that you wii meet that will bring joy to your life. Your task is to do the work on yourself so that you desire a relationship with a healthier partner. Take life one day at a time. You will transform into a completely different human being if you focus on your needs and do the work on yourself to find out why you would stay in a toxic relationship. It is a liberating experience that will bring joy to your life and give you the confidence to do anything you want. You will learn to like who you are as a person. Once this comes the sky is the limit. Over time the feelings for your ex will dull.

Hang tough.  Be easy on yourself. We will all get through this. Happiness may feel fleeting but it's just around the corner if we focus on ourselves.

[peiper]

Well the last time she split for no reason she called up out of the blue after a few months and said her life was crap without me and she loved me. It would be nice to hear something along those lines,

I know that feeling. 

When i feel that way A part of me is saying why? Why? Why?

What is it that you are seeking that is being projected onto the image of her you percieve as outside yourself?

Blim, that I can go from being the most important thing in her life to nothing to her so fast. It hurts. When I married her it was for life to me.

Peiper

Her actions speak volumes to what kind of character she has. She has low morals and probably lacks respect for everyone but the next person she "falls in love with".  I know it is hard to see through the pain and abuse you have suffered but you deserve better than this. She is a damaged soul who can only be saved by herself and the odds are that this will never happen.

You have the opportunity to break free from this trauma and take back your life. The closure will come from within but you can not get their until realize that the shame you feel is unjustified. You loved a person who was not capable of reciprocating. You gave to a person who could only receive and not give back. She probably doesn't want to hurt you but her needs have control over her actions. You deserve much better for yourself. Everyone deserves better. In time these things will be clear to you, but for now you must grieve and let the anger come and pass. It is a process. The process begins when our pain is greater than our love.

Commit yourself to getting over this. Find out why you have low self esteem and work to build it. Nobody in this world is better than anyone else. We are equal and only separated by varying degrees of reality. There is a partner that you wii meet that will bring joy to your life. Your task is to do the work on yourself so that you desire a relationship with a healthier partner. Take life one day at a time. You will transform into a completely different human being if you focus on your needs and do the work on yourself to find out why you would stay in a toxic relationship. It is a liberating experience that will bring joy to your life and give you the confidence to do anything you want. You will learn to like who you are as a person. Once this comes the sky is the limit. Over time the feelings for your ex will dull.

Hang tough.  Be easy on yourself. We will all get through this. Happiness may feel fleeting but it's just around the corner if we focus on ourselves.

Those are the things that I needed to hear. I've been so close today of picking up the phone and calling or texting her. Thank you

[Waifed]

Well the last time she split for no reason she called up out of the blue after a few months and said her life was crap without me and she loved me. It would be nice to hear something along those lines,

I know that feeling. 

When i feel that way A part of me is saying why? Why? Why?

What is it that you are seeking that is being projected onto the image of her you percieve as outside yourself?

Blim, that I can go from being the most important thing in her life to nothing to her so fast. It hurts. When I married her it was for life to me.

Peiper

Her actions speak volumes to what kind of character she has. She has low morals and probably lacks respect for everyone but the next person she "falls in love with".  I know it is hard to see through the pain and abuse you have suffered but you deserve better than this. She is a damaged soul who can only be saved by herself and the odds are that this will never happen.

You have the opportunity to break free from this trauma and take back your life. The closure will come from within but you can not get their until realize that the shame you feel is unjustified. You loved a person who was not capable of reciprocating. You gave to a person who could only receive and not give back. She probably doesn't want to hurt you but her needs have control over her actions. You deserve much better for yourself. Everyone deserves better. In time these things will be clear to you, but for now you must grieve and let the anger come and pass. It is a process. The process begins when our pain is greater than our love.

Commit yourself to getting over this. Find out why you have low self esteem and work to build it. Nobody in this world is better than anyone else. We are equal and only separated by varying degrees of reality. There is a partner that you wii meet that will bring joy to your life. Your task is to do the work on yourself so that you desire a relationship with a healthier partner. Take life one day at a time. You will transform into a completely different human being if you focus on your needs and do the work on yourself to find out why you would stay in a toxic relationship. It is a liberating experience that will bring joy to your life and give you the confidence to do anything you want. You will learn to like who you are as a person. Once this comes the sky is the limit. Over time the feelings for your ex will dull.

Hang tough.  Be easy on yourself. We will all get through this. Happiness may feel fleeting but it's just around the corner if we focus on ourselves.

Those are the things that I needed to hear. I've been so close today of picking up the phone and calling or texting her. Thank you

We're all in this together stay strong

[peiper]

I don't know why today has been so rough, but its been a real butt kicker to not pick up that phone.

[AwakenedOne]

They walk away because they don't have the values you do.  Some people view marriage as a sacred vow, the ultimate committment.  Sadly other people say yes but are not serious.  It is cruel, it is not fair, the whole thing is a pile of sh't. Good news, you can grow nice flowers with a pile of bovine excrement.

This comment reminds me of my "wife".

[blissful_camper]

I don't know why today has been so rough, but its been a real butt kicker to not pick up that phone.

It's rough because you're still processing what you experienced.  You're traumatized.  Give yourself credit for not picking up the phone.    That takes a lot of strength.  I know it's heartbreaking.  Hang in there.   

[peiper]

Thanks so much Bliss

[blissful_camper]

Thanks so much Bliss

You're welcome!   

[nevertheless]

Boy I can relate... After 3 years of your my princess I today

I hate you over nothing... .I finally let him think and tell everyone that he broke up with me . The last month has been so quite I was finally getting better not morning what I thought that would be then today he emails me to say he is doing good and not upset and that his ex wife is in the hospital. Why why do I fall back in to his crazy mind games? I'm I stupid ? Why do I think if I just say some think kind that Would be the end but no once again I let myself get pulled back in. I say I'm sorry and I will pray for her. From that one email I get the raft of Stephen ! All it is a way to pill at my heart strings why don't I learn ? Uggg I'm am so mad and sad I let him do it again.

[peiper]

Looking back now I realize I was actually in love with a fantasy in my own mind. I don't really think these people are capable of loving.

[Blimblam]

Looking back now I realize I was actually in love with a fantasy in my own mind. I don't really think these people are capable of loving.

Hungry ghosts.

[blissful_camper]

Looking back now I realize I was actually in love with a fantasy in my own mind. I don't really think these people are capable of loving.

Now you're talkin'.   

Need = love.  This isn't limited to romantic relationships.  This is how they function in friendship, with family, and on, and on.   You aren't the first person she has mistreated.  There were others before you, and there will be others after you.  That's why I'm encouraging you to not take this personally.  It's not about you.  Remind yourself of that often. 

You deserve better.   

[peiper]

Looking back now I realize I was actually in love with a fantasy in my own mind. I don't really think these people are capable of loving.

Now you're talkin'.   

Need = love.  This isn't limited to romantic relationships.  This is how they function in friendship, with family, and on, and on.   You aren't the first person she has mistreated.  There were others before you, and there will be others after you.  That's why I'm encouraging you to not take this personally.  It's not about you.  Remind yourself of that often. 

You deserve better.   

Thank you so much Bliss