frustrated

[tristesse]

I haven't had a need to post for awhile as my BPDd has been somewhat regulated and ok. Well that came to an abrupt halt yesterday.

I feel partially responsible for her outburst, but am happy to say that she was able to get herself  together in a relatively short period of time. But this morning I am really angry with her.

Let me give you the story.

DD has an appointment with her T today, she told me about the appointment Friday afternoon, she doesn't drive or have a car, so she has to rely others to get back and forth. I happen to have an appointment of my own at the exact same time as hers, mine is for some medical issues that need to be addressed, so I need to go and am unable to take her. She asked me to help her secure a ride, and I agreed.

I called my older DD, she is in nursing school and has clinicals and is unable to do so, I asked my DS and he said he would rather not.  my DH was out of town on a hunting trip, but agreed to come home and take her. Hooray, problem solved ( or so I though ). She was angry that I asked my DH to come home, and was angry that my DS declined to take her. she went way overboard, and wanted to know why DS didn't want to take her, I didn't ask him why, so I couldn't answer that. Anyway it lasted about 3 hours and she was able to regain control.

I have to admit that I did not stay calm and I did not use SET, in fact I yelled back. Shame on me, and I realized after the fact that I had messed up.

This morning I am really frustrated because she told me she isn't going to go to her appointment, since it seems to be such a hassle getting a ride, she isn't going to go. How unfair to my DH who came home early from his trip, just to take her. And how rude to lay that on me, who went to the trouble to get her a ride, and had to deal with her rage over the situation.

So there it is, in a nutshell, and I feel anger and frustration.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear tristesse

I am sorry you had to endure the raging from your dd. Can you go back and try to think of a different way to approach next time? I see pattern here when it comes to your dd and son. Dd feels slighted by him and takes it out on you. I think a key here is simply not mention to your dd that ds wasn't going to drive. Her need to try and control everyone she comes in contact with is overwhelming I'm sure but I also feel that a pwBPD is always searching for control because they feel they have none. Maybe a good place to start would be for her to find her own ride... .you are alway put in the middle and maybe if you shifted the responsibility to her more then you would not be the target for the raging. Could she have taken a cab?

Tristesse who are you really angry with? I find myself more angry with myself that I allowed myself to be sucked into her problems. That I have run around trying to help and it isnt recognized or appreciated.  So why are we doing it? Ask yourself next time whose responsibility it is to get to the appointment? To solve the problem?

[tristesse]

Thank You jellibeans

I was not the one that mentioned I had asked my DS, she asked him if I had asked him to take her and of course he told her yes.

I am far more angry with myself than with her and frustrated with myself also. I don't expect appreciation from her, so there is no dis-appointment on that front, but I did expect her to be grateful to her father, who once again made a sacrifice for her.

You are correct that she should be making her own arrangements, and she had been pretty good about it too, but I fell into the enabling trap once again.

This is a minor situation compared to some I have had, so I know it is going to be alright.

Thank you for the input and advice.

[jellibeans]

Tristesse

I have to remind myself daily that dd needs to solve her own problems. I hope you can get out of the triangle you are in with sd and your son. Hang in there

[nzmum]

Hi Tristesse - we are new to all this really but one thing is for sure:  there are times (many) where whatever you say or do, whenever you say/do it and however you phrase/execute it the BP's interpretation of words/events is so skewed.

Like you I have not expected/wanted gratitude or apologies for myself but thinking back on things after reading your posts I have felt more cross at the lack of gratitude/apologies for her sister and her father - like they deserve them more than I do.  Do you suppose that's because we are the Mums?

[tristesse]

nzmum

I do indeed think it is because we are the mothers. Most of us on the parents board are fixers, so we want to fix the problems.

I know I feel like the glue that keeps us all together, and if I Lose my grip, my family comes apart. So I act as buffer.

[lever.]

At one time I was so worried about my daughter that I made heroic attempts to "fix" things. This was often misinterpreted by her as trying to control.

I admit that part of the reason I am now more able to step back a little is that the difficulties are no longer life threatening or dangerous.

I have heard a phrase somewhere that really isn't very nice but keeps going through my mind-- "Not my monkeys-not my circus".

It helps though!

Sometimes my daughter asks my opinion of something when she suspects I will disagree with her it seems just in order to argue. eg "The school system is terrible -do you think I should home educate my children"? ":)o you think I should refuse to have a mid-wife"?

I have started saying that thankfully that is not my decision but that after she has decided she can let me know if there is anything I can help with.

I am also desperately trying to avoid getting drawn into a triangle between my daughter and her sister. If they attempt to discuss their "fall -out" with me I tell them that they are speaking to the wrong person.

Tristesse-regarding your concern about your DDs therapy appointments-it may help just to drop the rope. Perhaps you could say "I would like you to go because I think it may help you. The best I can do is to get your Dad to take you-if that means you decide not to go its up to you in the end"

I do find that if my daughter knows I feel strongly about her doing or not doing something she often gets a sense of power by doing the opposite. I am not sure why but I wonder if she feels out of control and gets a sense of control from this.

I do know that the more worried I am the more I try to "fix" and the less easy I find it to drop the rope.

I do agree that it is often a Mum thing. When they were small we were totally responsible for their well being and when we see them upset and in a mess we tend to revert to that role.

I am thinking of reading "I don't have to make everything all better" has anyone read this? What did you think of it?

PS I do identify with trying to keep the family functioning and acting as a buffer.

Since I have stepped back people are arguing and going "No Contact" It is a source of distress to me but I am now trying not to get involved

[HappyChappy]

tristesse - you say you sorted your daughters ride out, but you also say you've messed up. Bit harsh - as most BPD will find a way to erupt and turn it on you. That's never your fault. The saying "Never do anything for a BPD they can't do for themselves" comes to mind. You can take a horse to a Therapist, but you can't make them drink. Not convinced you've done anything wrong, maybe you've just done too much ?

[tristesse]

HappyChappy, I only say I messed up, because I fed into her rage and argument. I did not handle her outburst in an appropriate manner, I knew better than to yell back and defend my actions. I also knew better than  to work out her transportation for her, I fell right back into the enabling trap, and took the responsibility away from her. Those were ways in which I messed up.

I don't believe I was harsh, I believe I was honest. My daughter will not get better if I don't accept the things that I do incorrectly, and I must be honest with myself as well as everybody else. I am not the blame for her illness, but I am the blame for reacting to her illness inappropriately.

[lever.]

I agree Tristesse. I think we do need to stand back and look at our own behavior so that we can gradually learn the most helpful responses.

Sometimes we can say-without going on a guilt trip-there are better ways I could have handled that.

However we do need to remember that we are human beings with our own emotions. Sometimes things are coming at us from all angles and none of us handles things ideally all the time.

Its a question of taking the emotion out and looking at our behavior dispassionately.

I read on here somewhere that this is a paradox-we are all doing our best and we all need to try harder.

[tristesse]

well said Lever.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

"Its a question of taking the emotion out and looking at our behavior dispassionately.

I read on here somewhere that this is a paradox-we are all doing our best and we all need to try harder. "

This is from DBT. I heard this in a parent skills class. It was clearly explained for me in "parenting a child with intense emotions".

Qcr