How do you cope with your hurt due to your BPD, or do you?

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw has been pleasant for a better part of 2 weeks now and has thanked me for what I do for her. Granted, like last night, she has loads of frustrations about her college classes along with her work schedule. So, I validated what she was saying and suggested that she just take one thing at a time instead of being overwhelmed. She thanked me for saying that and said that she knows she needs to do that, although it is dfficult for her to do right about now. So, bottom line, she seems to be focusing on herself without her need to being verbally abusive as she has been.

Yeah, but here is the "but". In the meantime, her previous verbal abuse has worn me down completely. I have been hurt. I mull over the vicious remarks that she has made over the years, including recently. If she were to even apologize for verbal abuse, at least, that would help me. I know that radical acceptance is the way to tolerate and to cope so that there can be peace in my heart. Yet, it seems as though she and the radical acceptance concept just whitewashes any and all hurt that I feel.

So, we nonBPDs have been hurt to the max. So, how do you cope with your hurt due to your BPD, or do you? I am seeing a counselor today to deal with my hurt while my BPDw conveniently forgets all the hurt that she has caused. In fact, I have not even told her I am seeing my counselor today, because she is too focused on herself. Granted, she does thank me. She does prepare meals for me. Yet, again, her verbal abuse which is very sporadic is very biting and cannot be washed away, because she conveniently forgets.

[EaglesJuju]

I cope with my hurt, depending on the context of what was done and said to me.  Sometimes, his overreactions and accusations are so ridiculous. For example, one day we were talking about celebrities. I made a comment about feeling somewhat bad for Justin Bieber. (Keep in mind I am in my thirties and do not find him attractive) Out of left field, he said, "Well, why don't you just f him. I know you want to. You care so much about him.  I'm so sick of hearing about him.  You're disgusting."  He got up and ran into another room and shut the door. I let him go and have his "space."  I knew he was projecting his own feelings on to me.  On those occasions, I let the hurt roll of my back.

Other times, it is hard.  When he occasionally says and does things which cut me to my core, such as blaming me for his illness, avoidance, silent treatment, not respecting my personal space, treating me as an "object," threatening me with leaving, blaming me for the problems in the relationship,  telling me I am a bad person (the list goes on), I have a hard time coping.  I found that my reaction to what he says or does is based on my own fears, self-blame, and insecurity. I rationally know he has a mental illness, but my own feelings and emotions seem to eclipse those rational thoughts. I have been working with my T for over a year, and I am seeing a lot of progress. My self-esteem has improved considerably, thus making it easier for me to cope when he says truly hurtful things. I logically know that I am a good person and a lot of the hurtful things he says or does is due to his illness.     

[Gimme Peace]

I'm getting better at coping with my hurt, but its not easy. Right now I'm being blanketed in white and it's disconcerting. He's projecting all his need for praise and admiration, onto me... .and clearly expecting me to fill his need. I just can't do it. Too much has happened, even in the past few months since we started MC. I know it's a matter of time before he gets frustrated because I can't tell him how awesome and wonderful he is (because I'm painted white right now). I don't flip back and forth like that. I know he's just blowing sunshine and the clouds will be back soon.

I've been doing a lot more for myself and just trying not to think about how he is going to react. Yesterday he planned to be gone for the evening, so I made plans to go for a sunset hike. Of course he changed his mind and didn't want to go anywhere last night, so he expected me to change my plans too... .but I didn't. I still went and it was great. Nothing happened when I got home so that was a relief.

[LilHurt420]

This is something I have problems with too.  I've found when things are "good" I don't deal with my hurt, and just brush it off.  There are times it comes back, but I've realized in those times it's on me to either forget about it or find a way to deal with it without involving my uBPDh because he won't be able to handle it.

He has apologized for the abusive things he's done, but it doesn't take the hurt away.

One thing that happens with me is when things are good it's easy to block it all out,but once he does something else abusive or goes into a rage/dysregulation it brings the hurt back x10.  Whatever he could have done in that exact moment might be nothing compared to things he's done in the past, but once he does something it brings ALL the hurt back.

I've come to the realization in order to deal with him and have a somewhat normal relationship I have to put myself on the back burner a lot of the times.  It sucks and I often question why I'm doing it... .but we have a family so I make it through.

[vortex of confusion]

I still haven't quite figured out how to cope with the hurt. I have pushed it aside and ignored it for so many years. Now, it feels like it is flooding me all at once and I am reliving the hurt and trying to process it. I spent a lot of time normalizing and ignoring things that hurt me. As individual incidents, it was easy to excuse away. When I began seeing things as part of a pervasive pattern of behavior, it is almost unbearable at times. To think that my life partner could do these things over and over again without any realization of how it would hurt me is really too much for me to think about. Yes, I can excuse it away as a mental illness but at what point do I get to feel all of my feelings without trying to excuse them away?

[Samuel S.]

I just met with my counselor, the first time in over a year. My counselor knows and had worked with my BPDw a long time ago. After explaining my current situation with my BPDw and all of the verbal abuse and neglect that she has put me through, she made some interesting points that apply to me as well as to all of us on this website.

1. My BPDw is disturbed.

2. She does not know how to be empathetic.

3. She does not know how to be loving.

4. She does not know how to be initimate or close.

5. My counselor asked me: How much do you value your soul?

6. My counselor asked me to do some journaling about how I feel.

I sincerely do hope that the above points can help you folks. The question about me valuing my soul, I answered with "I don't know". I am ashamed to admit that, but that is what I said after pondering it for about half a minute.

[harbour]

Once I told a good friend, who is a psychotherapist, now pensioned, about a problem I had had all my life with my older sister. Her anger was easily and very often triggered by my mere presence. Now that I think of it, her verbal abuse and attempts to control me resembled that of my current partner. Every time that happened I got hurt, my heart pounding, and feeling powerless. Many times I would end up yelling back to her, other times I just kept quiet, waiting for her to calm down. My friend advised me to visualize holding a mirror between her and me, with the mirror side turned towards her. In that way, he said, I would protect myself, letting her rage against herself in the mirror only, and I would not take any of her anger in. It sounded a bit awkward to me, but I tried, and to my surprise it worked better than I had expected. I use the same "trick" with my partner now. But with him I made a little change in the visualization. I see him as a child, and in the mirror he sees his mother (I don't know anything about his trauma or his mother. She died years ago). That makes me feel a lot less hurt. I simply don't take it in, because it is not me he sees or rage at in reality. He is in a different reality when he is in that state. In the past. The mirror works for me. But I need to concentrate very intensely on the visualization to make it work. The concentration in itself also helps, because then I focus on that and not on his words. Except when he behaves in a threatening way. Then I can't avoid getting scared.   

[Silveron]

Wow Samuel that would be hard to hear.

Does she also have psychosis or sociopath in her?  Being the SO would be very hard with this, but to live a life not knowing what love is?  I just can't seem to comprehend it.  Are you going to stay with her?

[Samuel S.]

Yeah, all that the counselor is very hard to hear, but the counselor knows how people can be. I don't know if she has psychosis or is a sociopath. All I know is that for the last 3 weeks more or less, my BPDw has been actually nice and appreciative, but the counselor said that is probably due to feeling ashamed for what she has done to me with verbal abuse. The counselor said that my BPDw will probably revert to verbal abuse when she is down or frustrated about something. So, whether that happens or not, I still feel somewhat uneasy, because she is acting so differently than she normally does.

In the meantime, all of the verbal abuse that has been collected in me has resulted in PTSD. So, I am going to check some Internet chat rooms for this. After all, what if these changes in her are supposedly authentic? Has she really changed? I wish I knew, but the PTSD side effects that she has conveniently forgotten and never apologized for remain. I wish I could be hypnotized to forget, but hey, all of us nonBPDs have been affected with walking on eggshells.

Bottom line, time will tell!

[empathic]

This is something I have problems with too.  I've found when things are "good" I don't deal with my hurt, and just brush it off.  There are times it comes back, but I've realized in those times it's on me to either forget about it or find a way to deal with it without involving my uBPDh because he won't be able to handle it.

He has apologized for the abusive things he's done, but it doesn't take the hurt away.

One thing that happens with me is when things are good it's easy to block it all out,but once he does something else abusive or goes into a rage/dysregulation it brings the hurt back x10.  Whatever he could have done in that exact moment might be nothing compared to things he's done in the past, but once he does something it brings ALL the hurt back.

I've come to the realization in order to deal with him and have a somewhat normal relationship I have to put myself on the back burner a lot of the times.  It sucks and I often question why I'm doing it... .but we have a family so I make it through.

Yes, exactly this. For me it feels like a form of PTSD from all the former episodes. I guess it's a form of normal reaction to abuse. If someone abuses you, your mind will make a negative association to that person.

I can regret not reacting more strongly "in the moment" earlier, when I had the chance. If I bring up anything from the past nowadays she does not want to talk about it, or acknowledge her part in it. Then how will it be possible to move forward? I have endured 10+ years of abnormal behaviour, and she now puts it on me that our relationship is bad. How ridiculous is that?

[Surnia]

Hi Samuel

Good to hear that you checked with your counselor. A wise step in my eyes. 

5. My counselor asked me: How much do you value your soul?

6. My counselor asked me to do some journaling about how I feel.

I sincerely do hope that the above points can help you folks. The question about me valuing my soul, I answered with "I don't know". I am ashamed to admit that, but that is what I said after pondering it for about half a minute.

I want to underline this. Its okay not knowing right now if you are value your soul. Its a great topic to explore more. Shifting your focus to your own side, how you feel, yes, journaling can be very helpful.

[LilHurt420]

This is something I have problems with too.  I've found when things are "good" I don't deal with my hurt, and just brush it off.  There are times it comes back, but I've realized in those times it's on me to either forget about it or find a way to deal with it without involving my uBPDh because he won't be able to handle it.

He has apologized for the abusive things he's done, but it doesn't take the hurt away.

One thing that happens with me is when things are good it's easy to block it all out,but once he does something else abusive or goes into a rage/dysregulation it brings the hurt back x10.  Whatever he could have done in that exact moment might be nothing compared to things he's done in the past, but once he does something it brings ALL the hurt back.

I've come to the realization in order to deal with him and have a somewhat normal relationship I have to put myself on the back burner a lot of the times.  It sucks and I often question why I'm doing it... .but we have a family so I make it through.

Yes, exactly this. For me it feels like a form of PTSD from all the former episodes. I guess it's a form of normal reaction to abuse. If someone abuses you, your mind will make a negative association to that person.

I can regret not reacting more strongly "in the moment" earlier, when I had the chance. If I bring up anything from the past nowadays she does not want to talk about it, or acknowledge her part in it. Then how will it be possible to move forward? I have endured 10+ years of abnormal behaviour, and she now puts it on me that our relationship is bad. How ridiculous is that?

It is like PTSD!  Sometimes the triggers come back at random times, but if things are good with us it's easier for me to block them out. (Like last night I was doing laundry and realized over the years how many of my expensive clothing he has thrown away or ripped in his rages and it made me upset... .but I pushed it aside).

There have been times where I did act strongly in the moment, and it only made things worse.  In those moments even when uBPDh had done unspeakable things to me, he would still find something I've done in the past and just harp on it to make it seem like I was the bad guy and way worse than him.  He cannot deal with anything he's done (even before me) head on.  This is a part of the BPD though.

[whiteswanred]

Just the other day, I had an experience that I think shows how there is no empathy at work in the BPD, no ability to admit wrongdoing. We were having a sweet moment. I had spent some time doing work around if I am going to be with this person then I need to have both feet in, I need to move past the past without being in a type of denial that fronts as forgiveness. And I needed to see my part and claim my value around being uncomfortable of hurting someone else and being hurt. That work being done, I felt a sweet forgiveness shift in myself that maybe there is hope... .anyway, so in conversation, I said:

"I am feeling such hope. I don't want to hurt you and l don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want anymore hurt that would be so nice to start fresh."

And then, like a punch to the gut, I hear him screaming at me:

"I've hurt you? I hurt YOU? Are you saying that I have hurt you?"

I was in shock and was silenced. I knew that if I said what I really experienced or tried to explain what I meant, that I would be under fire. But I tried anyway because I thought if only he understood what I meant, he would feel better and feel the love. I wanted to get back to the basics: respect, courtesy, understanding, mutual validation.

[empathic]

It is like PTSD!  Sometimes the triggers come back at random times, but if things are good with us it's easier for me to block them out. (Like last night I was doing laundry and realized over the years how many of my expensive clothing he has thrown away or ripped in his rages and it made me upset... .but I pushed it aside).

I have some "automatic thoughts" that pop up when I'm doing certain things. Like when hanging clothes to dry, I always think about when I tried to help my wife do that and she got angry because I didn't do it right (she meant that I didn't straighten them before hanging, which I sure do but maybe missed once back then).

I'd like to get rid of these negative associations but I'm not sure how.

There have been times where I did act strongly in the moment, and it only made things worse.  In those moments even when uBPDh had done unspeakable things to me, he would still find something I've done in the past and just harp on it to make it seem like I was the bad guy and way worse than him.  He cannot deal with anything he's done (even before me) head on.  This is a part of the BPD though.

I would like to find a way to show that I don't accept something, but without appearing angry myself. Boundaries... .but I have yet to find a method that works. When my wife gets angry it's like she blocks out everything else, including me, so she won't really notice what I say or do once its past a certain line.

[Samuel S.]

Yeah, living with and coping with a BPD is one of life's mysteries. There is no easy answer. BTW, wouldn't it be nice to get a specific answer that not only fits all of us, but would also alleviate our hardships? I guess not, though, unfortunately!

The last couple of weeks, my BPDw is still very busy with her studies along with her work. While this is admirable, she still is almost focused so intensely on her studies to the point of obsession. Again, it is still difficult to cope with such a situation when we all know that life is so changeable. Anything can happen such as a fatal accident. Heaven forbid, if you or I were to die that way or any other way today, tomorrow, or in the future, reality would hit them in the face and realize how vicious and abusive they have been, and we had been there for them all the time. Then, while they would have other family and friends, they would shake their heads and kick themselves in the behind for being so vicious and abusive instead of being respectful and kind.

Also, the last couple of weeks, my BPDw has been very appreciative of what I have done. I am just wondering when she is going to stop doing that. My counselor said that this is her shame kicking in for being vicious and abusive, that she will revert to her old habits due to her own PTSD.

So, like all of you, it is baffling, to say the least! All you and I can do is to be loving and to be helpful. It is only hoped that they truly do appreciate us without any ulterior motive!

[deux soeurs]

About four years with uBPD.  I have been in therapy three years and I am getting much stronger.  Just last night he said very mean things.  I assumed he broke up with me.  Again.  I went to sleep.  I did not cry.  When I woke up he acted like nothing happened.  I asked him if we were broken up.  He said no.  Never apologized.  Here is the thing.  I am at the point that I am okay if we break up.  I am trying to decide if I even want a forever with him.  I certainly deserve better.  I won't change him.  I will set a boundary tonight and let him know one thing he may not ever say again.  Beyond that, I just really don't put too much into what he says.  BPD is exhausting.  Thegood is great.  The bad is awful.  I think I want in between... .

[Samuel S.]

Pinklipstick, it's interesting you mentioned about him forgetting. It's a form of conveniently forgetting as far as I am concerned. Like you say, a BPD usually will not apologize. I know what you mean about the good times and the bad times. They simply cannot be loving, respectful, and trustworthy all the time. In fact, maybe, they need the chaos, because good is too good. In other words, they need chaos in order to think they are alive. Yeah, I know that this is strange, but can be true.

Today is another boring day in which my BPDw has devoted practically every single minute to studying for her college tests, says how she is going to be busy tomorrow doing the same thing, taking tests this week, working more, and going to a women's conference next weekend. I almost feel like the "terry cloth mother" in basic psychology just to listen, but whose needs are never met, that is emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy has been long gone for over 7 years now.

[Samuel S.]

Well, the hurt continues due to my BPDw. She had all day by herself to do her studies. I had to call a student in the room next to hers after I got back here, because the cell phone reception in other parts of the house here is bad. I have had to call this student for the last 2 weeks. So, she must have been irritated by this fact that I would interrupt her studies, even though I had mentioned it yesterday and when I got back today. She said that she would not study then due to the "noise" I would create. Gee, thanks. (All sarcasm intended). Do I not live here? Did I not mention it to her? Did she not say it was okay? Then, she calls me "noise".

To be honest, as upsetting as it is to constantly hear this kind of verbal abuse, I am really afraid of her, and I am really afraid of arguing with her.

[waverider]

One of the ways of coping is learning to separate the person from the disorder. It then becomes possible to resent the disorder as a corrupting influence on the person you love.

To this end stop calling your partner a "borderline" or a "BPD", they are not the disorder, they are a person who is afflicted with a disorder, hence the term pwBPD.

Resent the disorder for what it does to your partner as much as what it does to yourself. You are both victims of the disorder. The advantage you have is that you are better equipped to learn the tools to deal with it.

[Samuel S.]

Speaking about coping and hurting, this is amazing. My BPDw had a good night's sleep. She felt refreshed. I validated that she felt good. Then, she decided to create chaos by saying how much I supposedly spend on print cartridges and gas for teaching. I said that I am being repaid by the school, and I am able to spend a lot of my own money on gas. Yet, she did not hear me, and I had to repeat myself. Then, she said she was glad that I have my own joy to do what I want. Then, she said she loved me.

Yeah, I could have retorted and said that if she really loved me, why did she even create this latest chaos in the first place? Nevertheless, I know that she was just trying to stir something up, because she just wanted to start a new chaos, which I refused to do.

I just don't get it. She does her own thing. She focuses on her studies which are her joy along with her own stress. She works. She knows that I have contributed a lot to the family as she has. Yet, she does this. Yeah, I am coping with her. It is like she is one of my students wanting to test me, because she has nothing better else to do. UGH!

[tinkerbellsmom]

My dd24 often hurts me, and even trys to destroy my relationship with my grand daughter.  Afterwards, sometimes as soon as ten min. later, it's like nothing happened.  She never apologizes or even says she didn't mean what she said.  So, because of that, I am guarded around her, don't trust her and generally dread seeing her.  It's a shame but that is the way it is.  There are many things that she said that I will never forget, and yet, it's nothing to her. 

The worst thing is really that I never take anything she says seriously anymore.  It's like trying to have a relationship with a cartoon.

[Samuel S.]

Many of you and I have mentioned how our BPDs conveniently forget how abusive they are. This morning, my BPDw mentioned how she believes in karma, that if anyone does anything bad, that they will get theirs eventually. This is so ironic, because seeing this is the case, she truly get hers eventually. If nothing were to be verbally abusive, there could only be positive things going on. I don't want anything bad to happen to my BPDw, although she truly has been verbally abusive with me.

[waverider]

Although it seems they are sabotaging you, consider the fact that they probably sabotage themselves even more than you. So sabotage is an inevitable part of the disorder and not a personal vendetta against you.

[Samuel S.]

Waverider, I understand it is not a personal vendetta against me, because all I have given my BPDw are my love, my support, my validation, in other words, all the things that make up a relationship. Indeed, BPDs do sabotage themselves and consequently their relationships personally and oftentimes professionally. They are afraid of intimacy, to be able to talk with people, to make those connections that make up relationships.

While sabotage is part of their makeup, it does not make any easier for us nonBPDs who have been basically deceived and to see the major change to eventually not relate. For me, she cannot relate. She is too busy to relate. She works. She studies. She goes to this event or that event. She does prepare some meals, but to her own admission, she has stated this is the best she can do for "us". In fact, any pronoun as "we" or "us" she does not like now.

This is so ironic, because that is exactly what she complained about in regards to her first marriage. I genuinely am that way with her. Then, she pulled the rug from beneath me and is doing exactly what her first husband did. When I brought that to her attention, she said: "now, I understand why he did what he did".

So, indeed, she does sabotage while I am authentic and wish to preserve our marriage. Nevertheless, she is too busy in order to even consider it. In fact, she is too afraid to consider it. That is why she jokingly said to a fellow worker that I should have an affair. (Gee thanks!) If I were to do that, she would play the poor innocent me.

[waverider]

Waverider, I understand it is not a personal vendetta against me, because all I have given my BPDw are my love, my support, my validation, in other words, all the things that make up a relationship. Indeed, BPDs do sabotage themselves and consequently their relationships personally and oftentimes professionally. They are afraid of intimacy, to be able to talk with people, to make those connections that make up relationships.

While sabotage is part of their makeup, it does not make any easier for us nonBPDs who have been basically deceived and to see the major change to eventually not relate. For me, she cannot relate. She is too busy to relate. She works. She studies. She goes to this event or that event. She does prepare some meals, but to her own admission, she has stated this is the best she can do for "us". In fact, any pronoun as "we" or "us" she does not like now.

This is so ironic, because that is exactly what she complained about in regards to her first marriage. I genuinely am that way with her. Then, she pulled the rug from beneath me and is doing exactly what her first husband did. When I brought that to her attention, she said: "now, I understand why he did what he did".

So, indeed, she does sabotage while I am authentic and wish to preserve our marriage. Nevertheless, she is too busy in order to even consider it. In fact, she is too afraid to consider it. That is why she jokingly said to a fellow worker that I should have an affair. (Gee thanks!) If I were to do that, she would play the poor innocent me.

Is she in fact running away from the responsibility of sharing a relationship by making herself busy doing things for herself? (I am too busy for you) Being busy after al is her choice.

Do you think some of the tales of what her EX did could actually be projections of what she did? My partner used to tell tells of some of "bad" things her ex did. Then later on in our RS as the disorder was becoming more evident she was doing the exact things she accused him of. So I wonder did he do these things, or was it actually her?

[Samuel S.]

Waverider, yes, she has said many times that she is very busy with this and that. Yes, it is her choice. While this is her choice to be so involved and rushing from one location to another, busying herself with her studies, and busying herself with her work, she views this place as a way to study and to sleep. Like I said, she does prepare like a big pot of food for a little bit of time. Then, she focuses on herself entirely, and she has freely admitted this is the only way she can express her "love". So, there is no real intimacy, bonding, and enjoying the relationship. BTW, we have our 13th anniversary in a couple of weeks, and other than a card, I don't know what to get her. She is again too busy even for a gift massage or a CD.

I know her EX was and still is very busy with his church. As for the several organizations he supposedly was involved in, I was only going by what my BPDw said.

Whether he was doing those things or even some of these things or whether she was doing those things, I just have her statements. All I know is that she is busying herself so much that this relationship is practically non-existent! That is why I am seeing a counselor, doing some journaling, and busying myself, but definitely not to the extent that she does. I am married. Whether she feels she is married or if she wants to be married more, your guess is as good as mine. In fact, for me to even ask her this would be responded with "I am too busy".

[waverider]

Waverider, yes, she has said many times that she is very busy with this and that. Yes, it is her choice. While this is her choice to be so involved and rushing from one location to another, busying herself with her studies, and busying herself with her work, she views this place as a way to study and to sleep. Like I said, she does prepare like a big pot of food for a little bit of time. Then, she focuses on herself entirely, and she has freely admitted this is the only way she can express her "love". So, there is no real intimacy, bonding, and enjoying the relationship. BTW, we have our 13th anniversary in a couple of weeks, and other than a card, I don't know what to get her. She is again too busy even for a gift massage or a CD.

I know her EX was and still is very busy with his church. As for the several organizations he supposedly was involved in, I was only going by what my BPDw said.

Whether he was doing those things or even some of these things or whether she was doing those things, I just have her statements. All I know is that she is busying herself so much that this relationship is practically non-existent! That is why I am seeing a counselor, doing some journaling, and busying myself, but definitely not to the extent that she does. I am married. Whether she feels she is married or if she wants to be married more, your guess is as good as mine. In fact, for me to even ask her this would be responded with "I am too busy".

Sometimes being busy is way of defining who someone is. Just being themselves is too hard as there is no "themselves". My partners mum, who I believe has a PD, is like this. She has to be admin manager, babysitter, head of this and that. martyr to everyone and yet no time for anyone.

To stop and just be yourself takes inner self confidence that you are actually someone worthwhile, without constantly striving to prove you are important. It is one of the reasons I dislike society's way of tacking your profession on the end of your name as though that defines who you are. This also results in some fancy names for simple jobs. Glad we don't do that here