Endings and new beginnings

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I keep saying that I’m not sure where to start with writing about what I’m experiencing right now in the aftermath of a relationship that just ended, so I’m just going to write and see where it takes me.

I’ve done some reading of certain workshops as well as the lessons for detachment on this site, which have been helpful.  The topics I was drawn to were about anger (my own), the stages of grieving, and one that I hadn’t spent much time on when I was in my previous relationship as I ended that r/s vs. he did not leave me.  This time around even though I finalized it ‘in writing’, he was the one to just disappear.  That’s been hard.

I don’t want to label him as far as BPD, NPD, Histrionic, alcoholic, etc...  I’ll just say it wasn’t the relationship that brought me to this site.  It’s the first longer term one that I’ve been involved in since my NPDbf (that ended more or less about 3 years ago).  I thought this board to be the most appropriate, although some personal inventory is involved here, too.

If I’m looking to build healthy relationships, I realize I need to dissect this past one a bit.  The detachment I’m going through now is definitely not as strong as my npd r/s, as it didn’t last as long (only about a year), and it wasn’t as intense or dramatic.  Actually, I had a lot of fun, and overall, it was a good experience for me.  What I don’t like is this part – dealing with the lingering feelings as I move to start a new chapter in my life without him.  I miss the good things about him, but am hurt over how it ended.

I have been and am currently doing therapy, continuing on the healing journey from lifes happenings.  I have learned some valuable things there as far as what I value in a r/s and what does not serve me.  As my T said, ‘I’m healing, but not healed.’  

What I am grappling with now is the anger.  The workshop on ‘Has the anger gone too far?’ (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135831.0;all) had some pertinent questions to ponder.  Specifically, am I experiencing healthy anger or is it unbridled resentment and dysfunctional coping?  That is what lead me to the stages of grieving and the other part of the Leaving Lessons that talk about the Abandonment Cycle (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263) - both have aspects of anger that are involved.

The one term that stuck out for me was ‘lifting’, or as explained:

Lifting – your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons you’ve Learned. And if you’re engaged in the process of recovery, you get ready to Love again.

I have had problems in the past expressing anger in what I’d consider a healthy manner.  I’m observing my thoughts and actions now and am allowing myself some anger so that it does not build up to an unhealthy situation, and am looking forward to it lifting.

What has caused me the anger is the hurt over being abandoned.  It was immature on his part, that I know.  However, based on the theory of we choose those on a similar emotional maturity level reminds me that I have my own issues, too.  I’m trying not to place blame, as part of moving on is about letting go of the resentment, etc.

I read something written on one of my friends Facebook pages recently that has been helpful and said this:

There are people who can walk away from you... .let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.  Your destiny is never tied to anyone that left.  And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it means that their part in the story is over.

You've got to know when peoples part in your story is over... . [T. D. Jakes, Televangelist]

Based upon this, I took the time last night to write the final line in this last chapter of my story with him:  "I never heard from him or saw him again.”  What that did for me was lead me to the thought of where my next chapter will take me.  I’m kind of excited about starting a new chapter.  There really are so many ways I can take it.  All the things I’ve learned over the course of my life, including with my recent experience have prepared me for something new.  I do have hope.  

[Want2know]

I keep saying that I’m not sure where to start with writing about what I’m experiencing right now in the aftermath of a relationship that just ended, so I’m just going to write and see where it takes me.

I’ve done some reading of certain workshops as well as the lessons for detachment on this site, which have been helpful.  The topics I was drawn to were about anger (my own), the stages of grieving, and one that I hadn’t spent much time on when I was in my previous relationship as I ended that r/s vs. he did not leave me.  This time around even though I finalized it ‘in writing’, he was the one to just disappear.  That’s been hard.

I don’t want to label him as far as BPD, NPD, Histrionic, alcoholic, etc...  I’ll just say it wasn’t the relationship that brought me to this site.  It’s the first longer term one that I’ve been involved in since my NPDbf (that ended more or less about 3 years ago).  I thought this board to be the most appropriate, although some personal inventory is involved here, too.

If I’m looking to build healthy relationships, I realize I need to dissect this past one a bit.  The detachment I’m going through now is definitely not as strong as my npd r/s, as it didn’t last as long (only about a year), and it wasn’t as intense or dramatic.  Actually, I had a lot of fun, and overall, it was a good experience for me.  What I don’t like is this part – dealing with the lingering feelings as I move to start a new chapter in my life without him.  I miss the good things about him, but am hurt over how it ended.

I have been and am currently doing therapy, continuing on the healing journey from lifes happenings.  I have learned some valuable things there as far as what I value in a r/s and what does not serve me.  As my T said, ‘I’m healing, but not healed.’  

What I am grappling with now is the anger.  The workshop on ‘Has the anger gone too far?’ (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135831.0;all) had some pertinent questions to ponder.  Specifically, am I experiencing healthy anger or is it unbridled resentment and dysfunctional coping?  That is what lead me to the stages of grieving and the other part of the Leaving Lessons that talk about the Abandonment Cycle (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263) - both have aspects of anger that are involved.

The one term that stuck out for me was ‘lifting’, or as explained:

Lifting – your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons you’ve Learned. And if you’re engaged in the process of recovery, you get ready to Love again.

I have had problems in the past expressing anger in what I’d consider a healthy manner.  I’m observing my thoughts and actions now and am allowing myself some anger so that it does not build up to an unhealthy situation, and am looking forward to it lifting.

What has caused me the anger is the hurt over being abandoned.  It was immature on his part, that I know.  However, based on the theory of we choose those on a similar emotional maturity level reminds me that I have my own issues, too.  I’m trying not to place blame, as part of moving on is about letting go of the resentment, etc.

I read something written on one of my friends Facebook pages recently that has been helpful and said this:

There are people who can walk away from you... .let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.  Your destiny is never tied to anyone that left.  And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it means that their part in the story is over.

You've got to know when peoples part in your story is over... . [T. D. Jakes, Televangelist]

Based upon this, I took the time last night to write the final line in this last chapter of my story with him:  "I never heard from him or saw him again.”  What that did for me was lead me to the thought of where my next chapter will take me.  I’m kind of excited about starting a new chapter.  There really are so many ways I can take it.  All the things I’ve learned over the course of my life, including with my recent experience have prepared me for something new.  I do have hope.  

[Skip]

I don’t want to label him as far as BPD, NPD, Histrionic, alcoholic, etc...  I’ll just say it wasn’t the relationship that brought me to this site.  It’s the first longer term one that I’ve been involved in since my NPDbf (that ended more or less about 3 years ago).

Which relationship are you needing to detach from - the most recent one or the past relationship? Was this last relationship reasonably healthy or did you see some repeated issues from the prior relationship?

I have had problems in the past expressing anger in what I’d consider a healthy manner.  I’m observing my thoughts and actions now and am allowing myself some anger so that it does not build up to an unhealthy situation, and am looking forward to it lifting.

Failing to grieve can haunt use for years... .are you having that problem this time too?  Are you avoiding the painful part of this? Lifting comes at the end of the process.

What all went wrong in this relationship?  How does you feel about it - what is the raw emotion here - stage one?

[Want2know]

Which relationship are you needing to detach from - the most recent one or the past relationship?

The most recent one.

Was this last relationship reasonably healthy or did you see some repeated issues from the prior relationship?

There were repeated issues with both him and my previous partner - alcohol abuse being a common denominator.  What was missing in this most recent r/s was the anger, suicidal/physical threats, negative attitude, belligerence, etc.  He was actually a really nice, caring, sweet guy until the very end when he completely withdrew.

Failing to grieve can haunt use for years... .are you having that problem this time too?  Are you avoiding the painful part of this? Lifting comes at the end of the process.

I don't think I'm avoiding it... .just trying to not dwell and get stuck.  I've been discussing it with my T, as well as friends and you all. 

In looking at the grieving process, I do see myself going in and out of the 4 primary phases, moving towards acceptance.  Just not there yet.

What all went wrong in this relationship? 

Good question.  Perhaps a bit of my not knowing what I really wanted for a r/s was an issue.  We both started off saying that it wasn't going to be serious, and then it seemed to get somewhat serious.  I started developing expectations, which instead of expressing them, I kept trying to convince myself that this was just a fun relationship and not something that I really could see lasting long.  I feel a bit clearer on what I want for next time.

How does you feel about it - what is the raw emotion here - stage one?

I am angry that he completely withdrew so quickly and without 'warning' even though I was experiencing some conflict over continuing on with him.  I am sad that we will not have the experience of laughing or singing with each other, or being physically intimate, etc.  I am happy to be relieved of the anxiety I was starting to feel over the instability of the r/s and that I have another chance at doing 'better' next time.

[myself]

So he's just gone, forever? He didn't give a reason, or have a final talk with you? Are you wanting to find closure, ask him questions, say your side of things? Or is it OK enough for you to walk away, accepting it for what it was?

Like you, I found it hard to express my anger and frustrations. Even when it's just me here by myself. I feel for my ex and what she goes through, and didn't take it all personally. But as far as the amount that was personal, I needed to go through those feelings (still am), including anger, bitterness, despair, loss. My T congratulated me when I told her I've been doing so, that I was facing it even more. It's been a relief, and a healthy turning point.

'Lifting' is a good word for it. It's been like sinking to some very dark depths and then rising into the light. Some of what I've been upset about is because of what she has done/not done, and some of it is because of what I have done or not done. Expectations, too, for sure. I'm still letting go, and moving on.

[Want2know]

So he's just gone, forever? He didn't give a reason, or have a final talk with you? Are you wanting to find closure, ask him questions, say your side of things? Or is it OK enough for you to walk away, accepting it for what it was?

No reason or final talk.  He went into jail for 7 days to do his sentence for his 3rd dui, and when he came out all I got was a one liner email saying 'feeling swamped lately... .just need some space... .thanks for understanding.'  So, I gave him some space, sent him a few emails to ask how he was and asking him to call when he could, and nothing.  I finally sent him an email letting him know how that made me feel, and that we had a lovely time together, with a basic goodbye.  I don't know what happened to make him completely withdraw.  I guess it had just run it's course and was never meant to be anything more.  I am generally ok with that.

As for closure, that is something I am prepared not to get from him.  I've seen it so much on this site to know what that can do to a person, and know that I have to find it on my own.  The reasons for his withdrawal almost don't matter, as the lack of contact was really inconsiderate and immature.

Someone who knows me and my situation pretty well said the following to me recently, 'Why don't you be open and real about the real issues.', as he proceeded to name a few.

There were huge flags drinking, age, etc., you fantasied it as something like friends with benefits but emotionally meaningful, he lost the relationship in his laundry bag a few times, and when he comes back again, you will likely recycle.

As I said in my initial post - I wasn't sure where to start.  Right now I'm dealing with the immediate feelings, but know these are things to look at.

I don't expect him to 'come back', so I'm not worried about that one.  The drinking, well yeah.  His age - he was much younger than me (32 and I'm 49), yeah.  What I wanted from him - a r/s but not a full blown one, yeah, as I had my reservations about being with him.  Losing the r/s in his laundry bag - ummmm... .ok.  He did withdraw one time before when he actually got the 3rd dui.  I did the same thing then as I did now and sent him an email telling him how it made me feel with a goodbye.  I re-engaged with him a few months later asking him how he was, and we got back together.  That won't happen again.

So, there are a number of things to look at, although I don't want to over-analyze it all.  I do want to be able to be real about it so that I don't find myself in the same situation again, and is why I posted here.  A little purging to help me through the process of detaching/grieving.

I did attempt a date with someone this past weekend.  It was a lovely day, but as it drew to a close, I realized it was too soon to be dating.  I need to work through some of my emotions first.  

[BPDFamily]

I read something written on one of my friends Facebook pages recently that has been helpful and said this:

In keeping with our references practices, this is the original quote from T. D. Jakes, a televangelist.  Here is the film clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQwB0EfveCA



Let Them Go

by T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean, hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody who left. The Bible said that they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.

Let them go.

It doesn’t mean that they are a bad person; it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when peoples’ part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead. You’ve got to know when it’s dead.

You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift. I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!



The biblical context of 1 John 2:19 is to refer people who were members of the Christian church but were not believers and left. It is adapted in the context of this sermon.

[Skip]

I did the same thing then as I did now and sent him an email telling him how it made me feel with a goodbye.  I re-engaged with him a few months later asking him how he was, and we got back together.  That won't happen again.

What is different this time? What are you seeing now that you didn't see before?

Was it a relationship to both parties?  Was there agreement (spoken or unspoken) on what the partner obligations were?  What commitment did you have to each other?  

It seems to me that getting emotionally and intellectually in touch with this is really at the center of it all.

[Want2know]

Glad to know where that quote came from - thanks for finding the context.

Why won't I re-engage this time around, and what is different this time?

I overlooked the red flags the first time around, never really giving it much thought as to where the r/s might go.  I thought I could keep my feelings in check.  Now, the red flags are a flying on many levels, and I see a pattern and the reality of what the r/s was - I don't want to go there again.  I do want a stable relationship, and that is something he cannot offer.

I've tried to put some details to what I consider a stable relationship, and these are just some of the things I came up with, based upon what was lacking with us:

- Interactive communication during the times when we are not together.  

- Involvement in the others life, ie. friends, family.  

- Commitment to being together in a planned manner.  

- Common goals instead of living separate lives.

- No abusive behavior, ie. alcohol, extreme anger, etc.

On an emotional level, I feel more happy with my independent life now.  Before, I was still so new to the city I moved to and was thrilled to have some companionship, that I was using him to fill a need I had.  Many needs, including knowing I could love someone again.  Being with him helped me see that it is possible.  

[Skip]

- Interactive communication during the times when we are not together.  

- Involvement in the others life, ie. friends, family.  

- Commitment to being together in a planned manner.  

- Common goals instead of living separate lives.

- No abusive behavior, ie. alcohol, extreme anger, etc.

Which of these did you have?

[Want2know]

With him, none.  That was the problem, and how I developed the list.  It was apparent these things were lacking in our r/s, and were things I wanted and do want in a future relationship.

[Want2know]

Was it a relationship to both parties?  Was there agreement (spoken or unspoken) on what the partner obligations were?  What commitment did you have to each other?  

I didn't see what you wrote in the above quote until now. 

There was really no agreement except for we weren't going to be 'serious'.  We never really discussed what not being serious looked like.

I'm not sure what commitment we had or if it was considered a r/s to both parties.  I thought it was some kind of relationship - we spent every weekend together, and sometimes during the week, for the last 5 months.  I spent a thread trying to figure out exactly what kind of r/s it was... .never really figured it out - I guess one that was destined not to last. 

Considering he was able to just drop all contact and not see me again, I would venture to say that he didn't feel committed or think it was anything serious. 

I was thinking about how now I'm the one having NC done to me.  He went NC with me and didn't let me know why.  It drove me crazy for a while and still bothers me, enough to have anger about it.  It goes back to how having limited contact or controlled contact is the more humane way to go.  I've always thought that and still do.