Hanging On- High Conflict Divorce

[DoneWChaos]

Trying to divorce a high-functioning and very dangerous uBPDw/uNPDw.  The judge has been rewarding crazy behavior and I'm losing a long court battle after 10+ year marriage, with me primary parent (full-time at home for 4-5 years).  I'm just trying to stay sane for myself and kids despite smear campaigns, harassment, ruined finances and never-ending attempts at control and manipulation.  The judge has allowed my two young kids to be uprooted from their life-long home, neighborhood, school, church, friends and community, to be moved an hour away.  I saw them 12 out of every 14 days, but that's been changed to only 5/14.  Those days were enough to carefully address the PA attempts, but the writing is on the wall.  Impulsive, drinking mom has played innocent, squeaky-wheel victim perfectly and is getting her way, no matter what's demanded or how it hurts the kids.  Woman judge refuses evidence showing female on male and female on kid abuse (videos, pics, daily logs, etc.).  Crazy, sad stuff.  That's all for now.

[livednlearned]

Hi DoneWChaos,

It sounds like you have already been to court for a temporary order? Do you have a lawyer that has your back?

How old are the kids?

[DoneWChaos]

Hi DoneWChaos,

It sounds like you have already been to court for a temporary order? Do you have a lawyer that has your back?

How old are the kids?

In a word, no.  I recently made the decision to switch lawyers after a couple of years of frustration.  The first lawyer was very passive (by trying to be reasonable?) and we were always on the defensive in court, mainly responding to frequent motions (about 45-50 motions have been filed by uBPD so far).  After finally being able to afford it, I got a new lawyer who came highly recommended, but am having trouble getting timely responses to "what should I do here" when uBPD violates court orders, threatens, makes false allegations, won't use OFW as recommended by CR, cancels kids' therapy appointments without warning, etc.  I can't seem to get a meeting with new lawyer to get a strategy in place.  I may have made a serious mistake in my choice of new lawyer.

Daughters are 7 and 9.

[livednlearned]

Being reasonable in a high-conflict divorce never ends well. 

Doesn't mean you have to go scorched earth, just be savvy and have a good strategy.

45-50 motions is excessive. You need a lawyer to suggest a gatekeeping order. Are these motions frivolous? Are your judges appointed or elected?

You have to be assertive with lawyers. They work for you. If your lawyer isn't responding within 24 hours, then it's time to turn on the heat. Email the front office, call and leave messages. Ask how long is standard to wait for a response, and what recourse do you have when you have to wait longer than that time. Find out how to fire your lawyer -- it's different depending on where you live. You don't have to be an aggressive squeaky wheel, just an assertive boss who insists that there are rules of engagement.

What you learn about handling your lawyer is going to help you handle your ex. Also, it's a good idea to talk about strategy, but I find that a lot of people here are fuzzy on that concept. Do you have in mind how you want to approach the next go-around? That might help you in your next meeting.

For example: there are some really good options that may or may not be available depending on where you live: depositions, third-party professional testimony including parenting coordinators, psych evaluations (objective forensic like the MMPI-2), custody evaluations, GALs.

I found it jaw-dropping how loosely the court responded to my ex's problems with alcohol. But every judge has a trigger for things they don't tolerate. Mine has no patience for alienation. Some are that way about substance abuse. Can you find out from your L what your judge cares about? (Assuming you have the same one all the time.)

It takes a long time to turn these ships around. It took me four years to get full custody and terminate visitation and the level of unfiltered nuttiness was excessive. My judge actually slapped a gatekeeping order on my ex. That's a motion the judge files when a litigant is abusing the legal system. And still it took me over a year past that point and some pretty absurd and flagrantly non-compliant behavior before visitation was ultimately terminated.

You'll get a lot of good support here. I became a way better client thanks to friends here and learned how to curb expenses and get the best out of my lawyer.

[DoneWChaos]

That's all great advice and thanks for the support!

[catnap]

Book recommendation: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger.  I found this to be an excellent resource as Bill Eddy is an attorney as well as a licensed clinical social worker. 

[ForeverDad]

Generally, courts are very reluctant to make drastic changes to the existing parenting schedule.  To go from majority time (12/14) to minority time (5/14) generally requires a very good reason.  If you already had a Final Decree then it would probably take a Change of Circumstances motion to make such a drastic change.  What do you think is the core reason?  I'm suspecting the default gender preference many courts have despite being very careful not to put it in writing nor speak it out loud.

In my case, my ex was arrested for Threat of DV - death threats she made - but over in family court that was ignored and since she had quit working when our son was born she got temp custody and majority time over our preschooler.  (Courts often ignore the adult behaviors and conflicts and only primary attention to parenting behaviors.)  Over time it morphed.  The divorce ended with equal time and me barely as Residential Parent for School Purposes.  Three years later I established a Change of Circumstances finding and became Legal Guardian.  Nearly three more years and I finally got majority time but just during the school year.  It took 8 years of uphill struggles to undo what she accomplished in 30 minutes simply by gender and not working.

Sadly, fathers have an uphill struggle and especially in cases like ours it shouldn't have to be that way.

However, we do have female members here and they report just about as many struggles as we do, so it may also be a case of the courts tip-toeing around the messed-up squeaky-wheel parent too.