Finally back from being busy...

[HealingSpirit]

   I've missed you all. Does it happen to anyone else here where time just gets away from you?  I didn't mean to disappear, but the past few weeks, my day-to-day life got out of control somehow.  First, my computer internet connection crashed, so my only way of visiting here was on my iPad mini, and it takes me forever to answer a post on that thing.  Then, DD17 broke up with her abusive BF22... .for good this time!  SHE IS NOT MOVING TO THE MIDWEST!  YAY!

However, not surprising, she became very dysregulated the week after her breakup, so that was taking up some of my time too, along with constant interruptions whenever I did find time to visit here.  I went to visit my sister at the beach for a few days.  Then, I hosted a fund raising meeting of about 50 women at my home, and DH and I bought some beautiful antique furniture at a yard sale (which meant emptying and moving our old stuff to make room for the antiques, then putting everything back.)  Throw in a few random doctor visits and appointments, along with my work and regular housework, and managing our rental houses and I find myself wondering how any of us find time to visit here.  I'm still behind on paying bills and doing laundry, but I wanted to check in so no one thinks I've fallen off the planet.

I'm doing okay... .just a tad overwhelmed, which oddly happens to me a lot this time of year.  My DD will be turning 18 this month.  DH and I have already told her nothing will change just because she is turning the magic number.  We still expect her to live by our house rules, and to earn privileges (like use of the car, wifi, or cell phone data).  We'll see how that goes.  I am willing to stand up for myself and my boundaries, even if she becomes dysregulated in the process. 

She still doesn't have a job, and she did not enroll for the fall semester (since she was planning on moving), so she's home doing nothing most of the day until her friends get off work or home from college.  At least her friends are keeping her in good spirits, most of the time, except when there is drama between them. (Like today.)  I'm hopeful she will be able to find a job, since the malls and department stores will be needing Christmas help for the holidays.  She had an interview at a local boutique, but I think she blew it because she told the owner she wasn't available to work on the 2 days the owner needed her.  Why?  Because she already had plans with friends.  (Grrr!  She didn't learn her "work ethic" from DH or me.)

We are not putting gas in her car, and she is starting to realize that gasoline costs money that she does not have. 

And, it certainly gets her attention when we take back the keys after she uses the car. 

I'm grateful I don't have anything terribly dramatic to report.  DD still rages at me over the slightest things, but I'm doing better about not engaging in it with her. 

I hope you are all coping and hanging in there with your BPD loved ones.


HS

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

welcome back HS... .it will be interesting to see if things change when she turns 18. My dd will turn 18 next year and I do think she thinks that is some magic number and things will suddenly all fall into place. My dd had a car accident a few weeks ago so I am driving her to school and to friends. She has not looked for work and sadly I feel I will be driving her for a long time to come. She is a transfer student so she doesn't get transportation or I would have her on the bus. I think we are both heading to a difficult time. How do we motivate them to get a job? I am starting to think she likes being driven around and I think she has some anxiety with driving now.

Glad things turned out good with the bf and her moving. Things seem pretty good for you and I can sense you are coping well. I hope things get easier for you all going forward.

[tristesse]

glad you're back, I have missed seeing you here.

[nzmum]

but I think she blew it because she told the owner she wasn't available to work on the 2 days the owner needed her.  Why?  Because she already had plans with friends.  (Grrr!  She didn't learn her "work ethic" from DH or me.)

Oh - and there we were thinking it was just our DD that did that!   (not that there's ajob anymore  :'()

One of the greatest gifts of this board is realizing that we are not alone in this.

Thanks for sharing

ALL OF YOU   

[Rapt Reader]

It's great to see you back, HealingSpirit 

Did your daughter ever get a call-back from the local boutique?

If she missed signing up for the Fall Semester of college, is there a chance she might want to sign up for the Winter Semester (or Spring Semester)?

How have things been going on the boyfriend front? Are they still broken up?

I hope that things get better soon 

[SeaSprite]

Healingspirit, 

That's great about the bf! How is she doing, besides the school/job/doing nothing issue?

My d gets very self-destructive/ suicidal when things blow up with the bf.

I hate how the bar is set so low for my d... ."At least we aren't in the ER" is good news.

[HealingSpirit]

Hi All,

Well, DD turned 18 this week. Her friends are taking her for a marathon celebration this weekend. They're all going to a rock concert, to Six Flags, and Horror Nights (at a different amusement park).

She did not get a call back from the local boutique. No surprise there. DH and I want her to get a job ASAP because the mall and all the local department stores are hiring Christmas help. Her excuse before was, "No one will hire me because I'm not 18."  She can't use that excuse anymore. 

I think she has only applied to one ad for some modeling agency. (UGH!) I warned her that many of those ads are scams to get you to spend thousands on portfolio pictures. She did not get that job though. She sent them some selfies, and they told her she was too fat.   I was afraid their comment might have sent her into despair, but she was pretty upbeat about it. She's tall and healthy slender, NOT emaciated, but too skinny must be what they wanted. She told them off, using her colorful vocabulary and choice phrases. . She has been more focused on all the upcoming fun her friends have planned, so I don't think we can expect her to start looking seriously until AFTER this weekend.

Regarding the abusive, midwest BF, when she's been alone all day, she tells me she misses him. But she has a new (old) BF on the horizon. The last time she dated this guy, they were both in HS. His mom supposedly did not approve of their r/s, so he broke up with her. Somehow, they remained friends on and off, and now that they're both 18, they decided to try dating each other again. It's a sweet story. But the minute he leaves and she's alone, she misses the abusive, midwest BF. I don't get it.

I'm not happy with her friends because they enable her. They give her gas money when we do not. They come get her when we've taken the car keys away. Eventually, I'm hoping they'll feel used and that they'll stop doing all of that. At least they all have jobs and they seem to be pretty clean cut and ambitious. Counting my blessings that they aren't into drugs.

I don't know how functional she will be yet. I guess only time will tell. She does plan to enroll in the winter term at the college, and then again in the spring. She didn't do very well her first 2 semesters, so I don't know if she can handle the college-level workload. And I don't know if she'll last at any job. -sigh-   The suspense is killing me!

[SeaSprite]

It's always something isn't it? Sounds like she might be progressing from "complete mess" to "kind of a slacker"- which in the crazy life of BPD is progress.

I have a distant relative who I don't know directly (the kin version of a friend of a friend) who is a plus sized model. When she was first discovered, she was told she could either lose weight or gain weight... .there aren't actually jobs for normal-thin women. Bony or curvy. Those are your choices.

Maybe the friends will be good influences, even if they are enabling? People often rise or sink to the level of the company they keep.

Seems like there are a fair number of us around here with kids this age... .wondering if they will ever grow up and move out. I'm sort of planning as if mine is here to stay... .she thinks not so I hope she's right. Since she often does the opposite of what I expect... .who knows? She seems to do better the lower my expectations. Pressure just isn't her thing. 

I hope your d gets a job, this is a great time since everyone is hiring. I got my college job at Christmas time, and they kept me on after. The manager that recruited me to stay said they wanted me because I "always had a smile" for the customers. Not a skill to write on the resume perhaps, but apparently rare enough to notice.

I'm right here with you with the suspense! Feels like the eye of the storm.