It's too quiet.

[mama72]

We are a few months into the school year, and I must say it has been pretty uneventful. DD17 is has straight A's, no missing work, no missed days. We have parent/teacher conferences, so we will see why they have to say about dd behavior.

Also we are looking at colleges this month and she seems pretty excited, but I am nervous that she wants to live with her girlfriend at college.

DD had been pleasantly talkative, polite, and kind. It is freaking me out! Don't get me wrong, it is a nice change, but this is just another example of extreme thinking, imo. Dd seems happy and in a good mood, which is just throwing me off! I hope she is not on some type of drug! Not sure how to deal with this. I have just been kind, as well, and taking an interest in our conversations. She still.has her gf she has been seeing, but she does not come around here. She is scared of me. As she should be. You give my dd drugs, you don't get a "get out of jail free card". We need to have a friendly discussuon. I still don't think my dd is gay, but she does have this close relationship with her gf. Just so confusing.

Anyway, just wonderingif there's anything I should be concerned about. Seems like such a drastic change an attitude, that it makes me nervous of what is to come.

Thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Hi mama72.

I understand your apprehension, and want to tell you that nobody knows your daughter better than you, so if you are waiting for the other shoe  to drop, it probably will eventually.

In the interim, I believe you are doing the right things, you are being kind in return and participating in and listening to her in common conversations. 

I would say that if you are truly concerned about her being on drugs then that should be addressed, but I would be quite certain before I approached her. She may just be quite happy, it is possible that her gf is making her happy, she may be in a therapeutic relationship, and that can't be bad. Of course this is just speculation and just something for you to think about. I repeat, you know your DD better than anybody else, so if I'm wrong you'll know it immediately.

Enjoy the calm while  you can.

[HealingSpirit]

Hi mama72,

I understand your worry, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  There probably isn't a way around that.  But I would say count your blessings that you are NOT dealing with drama right now... .for as long as it lasts.  My DD17 presents some kind of drama every day, and if there is no drama, then she has some kind of illness or pain that prevents her from functioning.  We literally never get a break from drama.  Even her T says in his 30 years of practice, he has never seen a patient present more drama than our DD.  I don't know which is worse, having a quiet spell and then having the rug ripped out from under you with a sudden dysregulation or suicide attempt, or having to deal with chronic, daily drama.  Either case is very hard!

Someone here said the best time to mend the roof is when the sun is shining.  I love that idea!  So, while she's in a good place emotionally, would now be a good time to have some healing conversations with her?  Maybe you can have some good bonding time, and some good heart-to-heart talks?  That's wonderful she's doing well in school and excited about college.  For your sake, I pray the good trend continues.  Of course, we're here if that changes.

[mama72]

I knew it. I am certain I have some mutant gene that can predict BPD bad behavior.

First off, thank you friends for your responses. Your words are valuable to me!

Now, I see on her new blog, which is pretty much a blog about hating men, "lesbophobia", sex, feminism, and oh, did I mention sex? I have not been looking at her blog that often, I get upset. The trash that is going into her mind frightens me. I am trying to let go, and get peace. Anywho, today I decide to check up on her blog, see what ridiculous posts she has posted. Well low and behold, a large close up picture of a clitoris. Nice. Maybe I will show Grammy that one? Also a post about an ex of dd's (she uses his name) and how he use to say, when she thought she was bi) that she was just a "dyke who liked to suck dick". This is on my daughter's blog for whoever want to see it! She trash talks her old friend in the post, saying that he is now a feminist, "go great", she says. Anyone can see this. It pretty much says that my once bi-sexual, now lesbian daughter, use to give blowjobS.

You guys cannot believe what she is feeding her brain it is trash! I am sure she thinks she is some martyr activist, sticking up for all of her fellow lesbian. But it is a joke. This blog is just feeding into her sexual desires and feeding into hating men, hating America, hating Christians, etc.

I am so mad and so feed up with this blog I could just scream. But, what do I do? She will be 18 in 8 months, and hopefully out of the house. Do I just choose peace over parenting? Do I still have the right to parent her with these topics, or do I just blow it off. It is too late, I know this is terrible to say, but she is sick, she is crazy and I fear what she has done in the past and what she will do in the future. She is obsessed with sex, gender, feminism, misogyny.

So I call her on it? What would you guys do? Your advice means so much to me! I just need someone to talk me down, before I do something I shouldn't, like text her a pic of her post saying how proud I am of the ginormous clitoris on her blog!    I have no idea where this kid has come from, really I don't. She can't be mine.

Thanks for listening to me bellyache and thank you in advance for any advice.

[anxiety5]

No. Just wait. I had the exact same feeling this week. Wow, it's been like 2 really good months in a row. Today was a disaster. She picked two fights with me and the escalation seemed to go from gear 1 to 5 without any provocation. That's never happened before. What's worse, is it's so absurd. I didn't even respond to any of it and yet she blamed it on me.

I'm at a point right now I honestly don't care anymore. The best thing that ever happened to me was learning bout this condition. Less about ways to manage her moods, more about my own self preservation. If a person had a brother and that brother left his family, walked away from his kids, left his job, stopped returning your calls and lived under a bridge... .each and every one of these incidents would be their own tragic shocking event. Now suppose I tell you that person is a heroine addict. While still sad, the brain processes it much differently. Losing your life is a very predictable outcome if one is addicted to heroine. It's what happens. It's what they do.  My point is, once I learned all these crazy behaviors, I realized what was happening was nothing more than a text book series of events from someone that clearly has this disorder. Once that realization hits home, there is no longer any reason to take it personally. It's not me being not good enough. It's not her wanting some guy more than me. It's not my moods, it's not anything to do with me. She is sick. She has issues. While I'm not perfect, I have been able to preserve my self worth. I don't ask why? anymore. I don't think of myself as a victim. There is no tragedy. BPD is as predictable as physics. Bounce a ball on the ground and it will come back up to you. Their moods, behaviors, tendencies, habits, flaws, and general character are all something I can read in a text book. Something SO COMMON that there is a forum such as this. Therefore there is absolutely zero way for me to internalize it anymore. Sure it's annoying. Sure I get upset or annoyed. But I don't rely on her anymore as my universe and I'm much happier that way as I begin to finally realize, it's time to get out.

[anxiety5]

By the way, One thing I learned in this process... .She started latching on to me. BPD's often had a tumultuous childhood. A common element of turbulence in childhood is the distraction or absence of affection from one or both parents. It is in these developmental times that the center of their World (their parent(s) conditions them. That feeling of wanting and needing love. Seeking approval. Needing reassurance. That was all a quest for them to gain the attention and love of their parents. That eternal and fruitless quest made them associate the feeling of want, of depravity, etc as what love feels like. They are intelligent. They could tell you what they want from a partner. The problem with BPD at it's core is that they are driven by emotions not logic. So no matter how smart they are, they are hostage to their emotions. And deep inside them is this ingrained association between love and the quest to win someone (a parent) over. That is why once they have you, they change. That is why once you love them back, they love you less. That is why they cheat. Because it's the quest of winning someone over. As soon as they have them, they will get rid of them too. They feel love when they are in the pursuit of something they can't get. When they get it, it doesn't feel like love. Sure it may be accommodating as we serve them like slaves. That may be enough to keep us around. But you'll notice that the people who stick around still yearn for the days of her passion, of her all encompassing love. Not realizing their reciprocation in those early stages, that feeling of you being hers are the reason WHY SHE PUSHED YOU AWAY and is absent to begin with. To her, it doesn't feel like love.

Anyway, as I started to care less and less. Not respond to her tantrums. Not apologize. When she'd disappear, I'd be out with friends, and never call or text her either, when I was no longer under her spell... .she went back to stage 1 pursuit.

I know it sounds irrational, but try it and you'll see. I'm not saying don't care, but don't express it as much. I realized this by accident. As you realize, there is no reason to live like this long term. If you are forced to act like you don't care about someone, play these exhausting games, etc that is not love. That's a crappy relationship. I'm realizing this now. It's totally and completely unfulfilling.

[Sstepdad]

So the blog sounds like it her outlet, it is just words nothing more, confronting the situation will not change the way she thinks.

But may direct all of it on you. I would think, or she may be baiting just waiting for some outrage.

[tristesse]

Hi mama,

I agree that the things she posts on her blog are just words, until she posts graphic pictures of her genitalia. I think this should be addressed, especially because she is a very young woman with her entire life ahead of her. I think I would very gently let her know that you have seen that particular post and that you are concerned the wrong people may also see it. I would let her know that you understand her blog is her outlet, her feelings and her business, and that you are not trying to control any of the above, you are trying to protect her from psycho web creepers, and from future employers perhaps seeing this etc. Not to mention the back lash that could happen if her current relationship goes bad. Let her know that it is ultimately her choice what she does, and you know that, you are just trying to guide her to a more healthy responsible mature choice.

Of course this is all just theory, and may or may not be received well.  This is what I believe I would do in the same situation.

Good Luck, and Big Hug to you.

[jellibeans]

Dear mama

I would not be concerned about what she writes on her blog... .the only thing that came to mind is that if she hopes to go to college this blog could come back to bite her. Many colleges look for online profiles of their applicates and I am not sure how hers would go over. That might be something I would mention to your dd. My dd17 is a senior and we are very much where you are right now. I do monitor her twitter posts and if something is very offensive then I will ask her to take it down, my concern being that a college might see it.

I would not get into what your opinion is of her posts... .i think it is very important to try and take judgement out of conflicts like this. Being too judgemental is not a good thing with BPD... .it brings shame and low self esteem. Ask yourself what you would be accomplishing with negative comments. If you can't talk to her without judgement then let it go and put it aside.

[tinkerbellsmom]

My dd is 24 now, and when she was 17 and going through the worst of the drama, she was also "gay".  She also did a lot of that porno kind of stuff.  I made a rule that you can't put any adult content on any computer that I paid for or on my internet access.  (or a phone that I pay for which was the worst part for my daughter).  violation would have that object taken from you.  That seemed to work, but it didn't change the behavior.  she is still very sick in that way but she is married to a man, so I think that it is possible that it is just a phase.  I think that really gay people knew it all along, it doesn't just "come up" one day.  The day my daughter turned 18, she was pregnant, and it has really gone downhill since then.  She has also tryed some polyamourous relationships (it means her and a couple).  She drug my grand daughter though all these sick relationships.  In the end she lost custody. 

[mama72]

And today she post something to the effect that I don't love her, "But at least ______(her gf mom) loves her. Wth! I have told her over and over and over and over that I love her. Our dining room table is covered with her school memorabilia, I have been working all week on a book for her when she graduates. Has her gf's mom been there for every play, sport event, school party, dance, conference, piano recital, college visits, doctors appts, counselor's appts, birthday/halloween parties, surgeries. You all have done these things and know that I could go on and on. No credit, no respect, no love for a life of devotion, a committed to your child's safety, health and happiness? Her gf mom can swing right in and fill her void of a mother.  Just hurts so much. How do I not take this personal? She knows I would see this. She knows this would hurt me. Mission accomplished…... again.

I did talk to her about her posts I was concerned about. She said the picture of the clitoris is empowering to women, and the post about blow jobs was no big deal. We had a long conversation about how I am a homophobe and bigot, more name calling. The conversation went on for about 20 min, and honestly, I don't remember much of it. I had taken my Ambien to sleep and I don't always remember what i do/say after I take it! Probably just more of the same and me trying to defend myself.

She is never going to accept my love unless I agree with every man hating, pro ANYTHING that she is for. If you guys could see her blog, you would probably guess the is a very disturbed, sad young woman behind it. Not a child who was raised in a loving, respectful, safe, moral, charitable home.

In the OP, I posted how things were going well, but I guess that is really never going to be. It is just time that DD uses to see what turmoil she can cause next.

Many of you say that this blog is an outlet for her, I understand that, but it is an outlet that is hurtful to me and she uses it to do that. She is feeding herself full of false feelings, that she thinks are facts. I am so tired of whatever she feels is the truth.

So sorry for the rant, I am just upset. I can take the name calling, the disrespect, the rages, and so on. But, her saying that she is getting a maternal love from someone else after I have devoted my life to her since the day she was born really cuts me deep.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi Mama72,

Im sorry that your dds comments have hurt you mama. Your dd is expressing her feelings.They may not be true to you but they are to her at that moment in time. Give it another 30 mins and she may be psoting something different.

The only way to get past them hurting is when you reach Radical Acceptance.Once my dd posted on FB that i was lazy and spent all day in bed again!... .Truth of the matter was that i was ill in bed with the flu and had told her to make herself something to eat. Of course that didnt sit well with dd and she blasted me on FB for all the world to see. She even shared some of my friends who more than likely would have read that comment, but  dd obvs didnt care if i was going to be  hurt by it. Another time she called me a selfish idiot who only does things for myself... .yet like you i have always been there for her... .but that rant came about because i wouldnt babysit her child!

... .And ive had all the so and so mother is a better mother to me stuff,yet she has only known them 5 mins... .but you  have to remember that BPDs are a bottomless pit of neediness and Guareenteed it wont last. When my dd starts saying stuff like that I just ask myself What r/s my dd has ever lasted? so why would this be different.You have other chikldren who can vouch that you are are have been a good mum so dont worry about it.Everything seems to be in the here and now, and very little seems attributed to how we have always been there for them or what we have done for them. Try not to let it affect you too much mama... .Dont read anymore of her blog if this is what it does to you. By not reading it you are taking control of the situation. Radical Acceptance that my dd is mentally  ill  has reduced my stress, reduced my blood pressure and taken me off the merry-go-round.

[jellibeans]

Mama

I agree with j's friend... .Radical acceptance is a place of peace and a place where your dd can't hurt you anymore. I would not read her blog anymore. Don't put yourself in that position. Certainly you know you are a good mom... .you don't need to question that. I find often that when my dd is dysregulated she will accuse me of things like not having friend but then every thing she accuses me of are really the things she is going through at the time. For her to say you are not a good mother might actually be the opposite... .maybe she is not the good daughter? How much is she trying to project her hurt feeling on to you?

[mama72]

Yes friends, you are right that I should probably not be on her blog, because it is too upsetting. I do go stretches without checking it, but it is tough.

In the past, this blog has given me indicators of her mental state, drug use, and other behavior. I think it is a compulsion for me to check it, a bad habit, I know. But I feel like it gives me some insight as to how and what she is thinking. She does not share with me, and I guess when I check her blog, it is like I am getting to know her? I know it probably sounds bizarre.

Often I feel like I have come to the Radical Acceptance that I need for my own mental health, but then something happens and I realize I may not be there yet? A work in progress, no doubt.

[anxiety5]

It's not a work in progress. You are failing. A work in progress is having the urge, struggling with it but not doing it. I'm not trying to be harsh, I care about you. I care about any of my brothers and sisters who have struggled this battle that I have. Nobody understands this stuff but you, me, us. So that alone, makes me care about you. About your general well being. And, the fact is I've been where you are and feel validated in being honest with you. You are killing yourself. Sometimes we fall in a hole when trying to move forward. You are voluntarily digging it though before falling in. You should read about how the brain reacts to drug urges. Heck, no need for that, simply read about how BPD's react with rage. Brain neurons take the remembered path. It's like driving home from the store. There may be multiple ways to get home, but you probably always take the same route. So does your brainwaves. You are getting urges. You are giving your brain the urge it seeks. You are REINFORCING this behavior. You are therefore VOLUNTARILY staying stuck. Think of it this way. What good is it, what real accomplishment is it to celebrate 30, 60, or 90 days of no contact when the facts are she STILL controls you?

Another point? Ditch Facebook. That is the most toxic site I've ever seen in my life, and I used to be on it all day every day. It's a cloud based soap box and cork board for narcissists. It BREEDS narcissism. I wonder how many marriages and relationships have been destroyed by inappropriate Facebook communication? NOTHING good comes from that site. If you are really that curious about certain friends, GO VISIT THEM. If you are that curious about total strangers, try focusing on yourself more rather than wondering what everyone else is up to.  I'm sure some people are on there for good intentions and reasons, but the facts are MANY MANY MANY are not. It's like being married, happy and voluntarily drinking a bottle of vodka and going to a strip club every night. Sure, you might not intend to get yourself in a big mess and ruin your marriage, just have a little fun and meet some friends right? But WHY put yourself in a situation (or on a website) where you astronomically increase the chances of having the bad occur, all the while, becoming a web stalker?

Going to a strip club wasted when you are happily married every night = bad decision. Being on Facebook = bad decision. Being on Facebook checking out your ex who is insane = very bad decision.

The commonality in all of the above? IT'S A CHOICE.

Empower yourself. Take control of your life, of your future and your happiness by CHOOSING that enough is enough.

[tristesse]

mama72, I don't fault you. I too would struggle with the urge to see what she is posting on her blog, especially given her history. And I know it's hard to turn off our parental instincts, and our emotions.

She is expressing herself, and they are her  thoughts and feelings, but they are damaging to her reputation, possible future relationships, both personal and professional and your emotional well being.

Trying to prevent a future a crisis in a normal thing for a mother to do just because our child has BPD, does not mean all of our mothers intuition changes or goes away, in fact I believe it heightens sometimes.

Try not to be hard on yourself, and take care of you for awhile.

[Dibdob59]

I believe our responses as a partner of a BPD and our response as a parent of a BPD are fundamentally different.  The "invisible tie that binds" defies logic.

What I do in response to my UBPDH and what I do when it involves my UBPDS are vastly different. 

The pain that I feel which is generated by their behaviour is totally different.  The pain caused by my son's behaviour is vastly greater.  Hugely different.  I cannot explain it.  It just is.

Therefore our reactions to situations involving our BPD children, whatever their age (in my experience) are different to those with our BPD partners.

[Dibdob59]

My previous point was posted as I believe Anxiety5 normally posts as a partner and not as a parent.  I believe our reactions are not the same.

[llbee814]

I agree with dibdob59.  I also believe that our child's age figures into how we deal with our person with BPD.  When my dd19 was younger, I felt the need to monitor her very closely.  It was hell, but it kept her alive.  I think it also resulted in improving some of the choices she was making.  Hard lessons all around.  Definitely always a work in progress when you have a child w/BPD.  Everything can change in an instant during any interaction with a person w/BPD, but your reaction also must change at times.  Different tools and methods,  radical acceptance, boundaries, etc. all help us try to do our best with our kids, but we aren't perfect, either.  Cut yourself some slack mama72, you are a good mom.   

[LynnieRe]

enjoy the peace while it lasts.  she may just be happy.  My DD17 was pretty happy, met a nice guy, things are good, had a few explosions in the summer, but not bad.  school started, met a nice guy, lalala... then she started.  When things are going her way, she's fine, when they're not, I'm to blame.  So I enjoy the non-argumentative days, and refuse to engage in the arguments.

[anxiety5]

I apologize if I came off as a parent. That's probably pretty accurate. I had good parents. They would often give me advice and when I didn't take it they would give me a "lecture" I think my post was much in that same manor. Just know that it is coming from a well intentioned place. My previous relationship I did not date anyone for nearly 2 years afterwards. I stayed trapped in this cycle of what I would now view as depression. 2 years of my life, gone. I had many of the same habits. I would check on her account, etc. I was literally driving MYSELF insane. It was one of those days where the starts just aligned and I got some good advice that just stuck home. Has anything you done regarding checking on her, eased your pain? Made your life better? The answer was no. I never checked again. THAT is when I finally began to heal. If I could go back to day one of those 2 years of anguish, I would shake the hell out of myself. 2 years in my 20s. The prime of my life. Years you will never get back are missing. If you look at my photos there is 2 years of zero. I was in a downward spiral. Trapped. And stayed there because of my own decisions. I was trying to be as direct as possible about this. It pains me to see anyone else go through what I did. Much like the fog of a BPD spell, you think you are aware of your own self destructive behaviors. You think you are in control. But you aren't. You are still in the fog. Still under her control. Still in her grip. I was. And it only got better when for whatever reason it finally hit me. I'm glad I pulled out of it, but I also hate the fact that someone who is completely insignificant to me now, ruined 2 years of my life AFTER we dated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SeaSprite]

And today she post something to the effect that I don't love her, "But at least ______(her gf mom) loves her. Wth! I have told her over and over and over and over that I love her. Our dining room table is covered with her school memorabilia, I have been working all week on a book for her when she graduates. Has her gf's mom been there for every play, sport event, school party, dance, conference, piano recital, college visits, doctors appts, counselor's appts, birthday/halloween parties, surgeries. You all have done these things and know that I could go on and on. No credit, no respect, no love for a life of devotion, a committed to your child's safety, health and happiness? Her gf mom can swing right in and fill her void of a mother.  Just hurts so much. How do I not take this personal? She knows I would see this. She knows this would hurt me. Mission accomplished…... again.

I did talk to her about her posts I was concerned about. She said the picture of the clitoris is empowering to women, and the post about blow jobs was no big deal. We had a long conversation about how I am a homophobe and bigot, more name calling. The conversation went on for about 20 min, and honestly, I don't remember much of it. I had taken my Ambien to sleep and I don't always remember what i do/say after I take it! Probably just more of the same and me trying to defend myself.

She is never going to accept my love unless I agree with every man hating, pro ANYTHING that she is for. If you guys could see her blog, you would probably guess the is a very disturbed, sad young woman behind it. Not a child who was raised in a loving, respectful, safe, moral, charitable home.

In the OP, I posted how things were going well, but I guess that is really never going to be. It is just time that DD uses to see what turmoil she can cause next.

Many of you say that this blog is an outlet for her, I understand that, but it is an outlet that is hurtful to me and she uses it to do that. She is feeding herself full of false feelings, that she thinks are facts. I am so tired of whatever she feels is the truth.

So sorry for the rant, I am just upset. I can take the name calling, the disrespect, the rages, and so on. But, her saying that she is getting a maternal love from someone else after I have devoted my life to her since the day she was born really cuts me deep.

I'm so sorry mama, they are experts at button pushing aren't they! 

I wonder if it's possible for you when she says things about gf's mom, for you to say "I'm so glad you have people in your life you love and who love you." Gf's mom is an easy relationship for her, it's optional, no baggage. Moms and daughters are difficult... .

As for her social/political views... .it's such a cliché isn't it? "Your generation doesn't get it, you're so out of date, you don't understand." I did it to my parents, my kids and stepkids do it to me. Her disorder takes her ideas and idealism and exaggerates and distorts it, but it's developmentally normal to try to carve out a way of being that is different than the generation before.

That being said... .I trust your mama radar if you think she might be winding up to do some things that are self-destructive. Maybe it's the pressure of going to college, maybe a fear of growing up, you are probably picking up on something. 

The challenge is to not let it be a self fulfilling prophesy isn't it? My d16 is a boom and bust kind of kid too, she'll seem like things are going really well and then the bottom drops out.

I'm in an eye of the storm place myself right now... .so I'm trying to put my own ducks in a row, so that if things go sideways I've got my own stuff together. Or if not together, a reasonable approximation. 

[.cup.car]

Now, I see on her new blog, which is pretty much a blog about hating men, "lesbophobia", sex, feminism, and oh, did I mention sex? I have not been looking at her blog that often, I get upset. The trash that is going into her mind frightens me. I am trying to let go, and get peace. Anywho, today I decide to check up on her blog, see what ridiculous posts she has posted. Well low and behold, a large close up picture of a clitoris. Nice. Maybe I will show Grammy that one? Also a post about an ex of dd's (she uses his name) and how he use to say, when she thought she was bi) that she was just a "dyke who liked to suck dick". This is on my daughter's blog for whoever want to see it! She trash talks her old friend in the post, saying that he is now a feminist, "go great", she says. Anyone can see this. It pretty much says that my once bi-sexual, now lesbian daughter, use to give blowjobS.

You guys cannot believe what she is feeding her brain it is trash! I am sure she thinks she is some martyr activist, sticking up for all of her fellow lesbian. But it is a joke. This blog is just feeding into her sexual desires and feeding into hating men, hating America, hating Christians, etc.

As a 21 year old guy, Tumblr is pretty terrible and seems to be a haven for these types of people, these "social justice warriors" who think by being sexist towards men, they're somehow changing society for the better. What's terrifying is that your daughter isn't "odd" in her beliefs - you'd be surprised how quickly these online activism trends spread, and how big they've become. A few have infiltrated mass media - you can't even read about video games anymore without being called a misogynistic rapist for playing them. It's really nutty, especially as speaking out against this new wave of online feminism/LGBT stuff gets you labelled a bigot/sexist/racist... .etc... .

Heck, google "Purple Penguins" and you'll see what I mean. It's out of control.

The truth is this: people out in the real world, away from Tumblr, recognize this behavior for what it is. People don't stand for this sort of garbage and unfortunately your daughter might be put in her place by more than just her ex.

You now have to prepare for a scenario where she tries on the feminist/LGBT act away from the computer and it promptly comes crashing down. Are you going to defend her and chase away the bullies to defend her silly and outright obnoxious "beliefs", or are you going to call her out as well and face another meltdown?

[Rapt Reader]

You now have to prepare for a scenario where she tries on the feminist/LGBT act away from the computer and it promptly comes crashing down. Are you going to defend her and chase away the bullies to defend her silly and outright obnoxious "beliefs", or are you going to call her out as well and face another meltdown?

Always as a parent (and all of the rest of us posting on this Board are parents, not kids, actually   ), we do know how the outside world views our kids with BPD, and it really hurts our souls to see the messes they tend to make for themselves. We also know that any amount of criticism or "reality checking" we try to do with them will be met with resistance or defiance, no matter how gently we make the lessons.

Sometimes we can only watch, guide as best as we can, and hope for the best while being there to catch them when they fall. I know that you are frustrated with our own lack of power as talked about in these threads, but parenting is what it is. Someday you will find that out yourself--BPD kids or kids without BPD  

[mama72]

Thank you, everyone, for your feedback. It is so appreciated.

I have decided not to say anything to my DD and to try and stay off her social media.  Looking over her posts, she seems to be filled with such disgust and hate, and what a sad place to be, and really how painful that must feel. I need to love her no matter where she is at. I read a quote from Billy Graham the other day the really resonated with me in this situation, "It is the Holy Spirit’s job to convict, God’s job to judge, and my job to love.” So I am just going to try and love. She will be 18 soon, so she needs to mature, obviously. With her outlook on life, she most certainly will have some tough times, and I want to be a safe place for her. Even though she does not view me as a safe place and support, maybe she will someday?

On a positive note, we had a college visit this week and it went well. She seems very excited and is even thinking about taking on another class next semester to be eligible for a scholarship. Our first college visit was torture, she was not engaged and said "It is too close to home", this time she loved the campus, program, and said that it was a good distance, being "close, but not too close" to home. This was during a time that she was involved in drugs.

In some ways, I feel like she is wanting to prove that she is in an healthy place to prove that the relationship she is in is healthy. I guess I will take it! She appears regulated and to be working at getting along. I need to work on it too. So I am a work in progress, and don't feel like I am failing. If you are trying, you succeeding, in my book.

[nzmum]

I get upset. The trash that is going into her mind frightens me. what she is feeding her brain it is trash!

Tumblr is pretty terrible and seems to be a haven for these types of people,

AGREE   AGREE   AGREE   AGREE  AGREE   AGREE !

My DD's blog is amazingly complex and so heart wrenchingly sad

Try not to look but when she's missing it gives us a clue as to her state of mind / whereabouts sometimes

She has no clue that we know the url

It used to make me sad but now as I say it can be a useful indicator for us & the police

[SeaSprite]

In some ways, I feel like she is wanting to prove that she is in an healthy place to prove that the relationship she is in is healthy. I guess I will take it! She appears regulated and to be working at getting along.

This sounds so familiar- this seems to be what my d is doing with the bf who everyone but her thinks is a really bad idea. She is working really hard to show us she is in a good place, so that she can see him. It's the weirdest thing about their relationship, there is nothing good about it that I can see, he's too old, and he's no a particularly honest person, he has no job, and she's pregnant... but she's better than she's been for a long time.

I do think it's to try to prove that the relationship is a good idea. And, the way the past few years have been, I'll take it while it lasts.



I'm glad your daughter is looking forward to college! This is exciting.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello mama72,

I am just re-reading your thread. I am coming late but wanted to put something in context so it's not as painful as it looks at first glance.

We as parents need to look at our children's words through the lens of their illness. In this case: feelings equal facts.

Your dd's posts reflect her momentary state of mind and her immediate feelings. They are not in any way a reflection of your qualities or history as a mom.

This timeline jumps out right away:

Oct 11 - you find the picture on dd's blog

Oct 11-12 - you talk to your dd about it

Oct 13 dd posts that you don't love her, but at least her gf's mom does

I wanted to draw your attention to the cause of the post: the talk you had with dd and that she felt "mom disagrees with me, she doesn't support me, she doesn't love me" followed by the post that you don't love her, but gf's mom does (perhaps she was being nice/approving/accepting towards her that day?)

I know it's hurtful nonetheless to read those words... .However, what helps is if we ground ourselves firmly in the knowledge of who we are. We cannot allow our ill children define our reality for us... . 

[SeaSprite]

I know it's hurtful nonetheless to read those words... .However, what helps is if we ground ourselves firmly in the knowledge of who we are. We cannot allow our ill children define our reality for us... . 

My h and I were just talking about this today in the context of his d17.

She told him he didn't love her because if he loved her he would have done xy&z... .He told her that no matter what kind of parent she thinks he is, he does love her and she doesn't get to choose that for him.

It looks like when our kids are struggling with this stuff, it's irrelevant to the conversation how they feel about us... .they need to hear that we love them no matter what, and they don't get to define our feelings.

[lever.]

Hello mama72

I think the decisions you have come to are wise ones.

I think a lot of this sexual identity confusion is quite common in BPD, particularly in adolescence. It is all connected with having an unstable sense of self.

My DD is now married with children-she told me throughout her adolescence that she was gay. I do think she had a lotof crushes on older girls and young women-I think related to her tendency to have intense relationships and her search for her own identity.

I must admit that had I found a blog similar to your DD's my initial reaction would have been to be horrified. I think though that she is just trying on an identity for size and it is very likely to change again. In fact if she gets a sense that you are reading it and oppose her "identity" it is more likely to keep going.

Social media is a terrible thing for young people with this disorder. My DD used to post a lot on forums and I was tempted to read just to check how she was doing.

I did stop in the end as it only hurt me.

I think I would focus on giving encouragement in the areas where she is making progress.

You do have my total sympathy-it is so difficult when our children take off saying stuff that is completely against our values. I have to admit that I have felt an extreme sense of shame in such situations-but your daughter is not you and you cannot control her actions.

I think this particular thing will pass though. She may or may not be gay but this posting extreme views and sexual content is likely to fade.

It hurts though-keep looking after yourself and look less.