Partner says they want to get help, should I stay?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi

I left my suspected BPD partner a month ago as I could not stay in a relationship where I was treading on egg shells and my partner kept running off every time they had emotional dysregualtion. We have met up once and they say they love me, they are sorry for all the pain caused. They say they will do anything to make the relationship work and have made an appointment for a psychiatric evaluation next month. I want to believe them, but I don't want to be a carer and I'm not sure how long these types of behaviours take to change and if therapy will work as they have had lots of therapy in the past for general issues. They agree that they have some BPD characteristics but also think there's a neuro component . In general they are NOT controlling over me and my time, just have emotional outbursts and low moods/mood swings over nothing which often result in running away. I can see there has been a bad period of about 9 months (verbal and physical abuse/silent treatment and splitting), but even the 17 months before that there were still signs of unresolved issues from the past in terms of odd reactions to things. We have agreed to meet up again next month and have NC, but so far we have had email contact most days. They seem happy to plod along living separately knowing that there is hope, but I feel indecisive and in limbo even though I have the ball in my court. I want nothing more that to have a healthy, happy relationship with the person I love, but I can't go back to having any more of the negative behaviour I have been exposed to in the last 9months as it's taken it's toll on me emotionally. Any advice from people who have gone back when their partners have accepted help would be useful.

Thanks

[Loosestrife]

Hi

I left my suspected BPD partner a month ago as I could not stay in a relationship where I was treading on egg shells and my partner kept running off every time they had emotional dysregualtion. We have met up once and they say they love me, they are sorry for all the pain caused. They say they will do anything to make the relationship work and have made an appointment for a psychiatric evaluation next month. I want to believe them, but I don't want to be a carer and I'm not sure how long these types of behaviours take to change and if therapy will work as they have had lots of therapy in the past for general issues. They agree that they have some BPD characteristics but also think there's a neuro component . In general they are NOT controlling over me and my time, just have emotional outbursts and low moods/mood swings over nothing which often result in running away. I can see there has been a bad period of about 9 months (verbal and physical abuse/silent treatment and splitting), but even the 17 months before that there were still signs of unresolved issues from the past in terms of odd reactions to things. We have agreed to meet up again next month and have NC, but so far we have had email contact most days. They seem happy to plod along living separately knowing that there is hope, but I feel indecisive and in limbo even though I have the ball in my court. I want nothing more that to have a healthy, happy relationship with the person I love, but I can't go back to having any more of the negative behaviour I have been exposed to in the last 9months as it's taken it's toll on me emotionally. Any advice from people who have gone back when their partners have accepted help would be useful.

Thanks

[Lucky One]

Hi Louiselovescheese

Sorry to hear what you are going through, and I'm quite sure it's causing you some sadness. This is absolutely normal. Just want you to know that you're not alone.

Going for treatment the way I understand it, is a good thing, but takes time. And it's got to be the right treatment with the right diagnosis, and the right therapist, meaning they must be a specialist in this. It's no use going to someone who doesn't know the exact treatment. Trial and error methods are NO good. Very, VERY important to achieve success.

I'd suggest having a look at the SUCCESS STORIES, you'll find under the "Staying Board", right at the top of the Board.

These I found quite INSPIRATIONAL, and gave me quite a few NEW ideas to work on.

The main thing is to get a good understanding of what is going on. That's the thing.

Also one can use the SEARCH FACILITY block above, to search for what one is looking for.

e.g. Type in " Emotional Blackmail and Trust", this one is a true eye opener, and see what you come up with. Or "BPD and Recovery" or "BPD and running away" etc.

One just needs to get the whole, balanced picture, of the situation, one is experiencing.

Also look at the "General Announcements" below, click on the links and learn as much as is possible, just to be sure, that we don't make things worse, for ourselves.

Sometimes, we also, are not wise, with our reactions and responses. There might just be a better and perhaps more helpful and understanding way, to do things. It's a possibility

Only then can one start making decisions, what's to be done.

[Loosestrife]

Thanks. I will look into these threads. My ex has now said they have a new job and everything is 'fixed''. I don't think they will get therapy now so that has helped me make my decision to leave.

[silentscream]

Hi

I left my suspected BPD partner a month ago as I could not stay in a relationship where I was treading on egg shells and my partner kept running off every time they had emotional dysregualtion. We have met up once and they say they love me, they are sorry for all the pain caused and they believe that it was a period of instability /illness and they have never been that bad before. They say they will do anything to make the relationship work and have made an appointment for a psychiatric evaluation next month. I want to believe them, but I don't want to be a carer and I'm not sure how long these types of behaviours take to change and if therapy will work as they have had lots of therapy in the past for general issues. They agree that they have some BPD characteristics but also think there's a neuro component . In general they are NOT controlling over me and my time, just have emotional outbursts and low moods/mood swings over nothing which often result in running away. I can see there has been a bad period of about 9 months (verbal and physical abuse/silent treatment and splitting), but even the 7months before that there were still signs of unresolved issues from the past in terms of odd reactions to things. We have agreed to meet up again next month and have NC, but so far we have had email contact most days. They seem happy to plod along living separately knowing that there is hope, but I feel indecisive and in limbo even though I have the ball in my court. I want nothing more that to have a healthy, happy relationship with the person I love, but I can't go back to having any more of the negative behaviour I have been exposed to in the last 9months as it's taken it's toll on me emotionally. Any advice from people who have gone back when their partners have accepted help would be useful.

Thanks

I'm pretty new here and am probably not the best one to give advice, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one in this situation. In fact, I could have written your very post. Like you, we have been separated for months, but I am eaten up with indecision and anxiety and guilt, while he seems perfectly happy with the arrangement. It wasn't until I told them that I had seen a divorce attorney - until he realized that I was serious (even though I had been talking about it for months) - that he did a radical 180. Like your partner, he is now serious about therapy - about getting back on his meds. Insistent that he can change and things can be different. Like you, I would give anything to have a loving supportive relationship with him, but I've been pushed past my limit and can and will not tolerate the abuse anymore.

I wish I could give you advice, but know that I hear you and absolutely understand. I'll be interested in the decision that you end up making ultimately. I feel like I need more time to make mine, although I'm absolutely exhausted from this roller coaster, living in limbo, etc. Best of luck to you! 

[anxiety5]

Mine won't even admit to having any problems. She lives in an ocean of denial. If she wants help, I think that's great. Although here is the key. SHE MUST BE ACCOUNTABLE. I would ONLY agree to stay if she goes to a psychologist that specializes in BPD. Also, you should have the option and should go as needed with her. I say this because this will keep them accountable for going. Also, their manipulative ability is keen to the fact that what a psychologist says is often deemed "truth" in a distressed couple. She could easily manipulate what actually is discussed vs. told to you, as to say that YOU are the problem when in fact the therapist is not saying anything close to that.

It was very important for me to understand boundaries. Boundaries are not threats or ultimatums. It's not simply saying "If you don't go, I will be mad" or "If you cheat on me I'm gone" Boundaries are YOUR values. They only become boundaries if they cross them, and you have the follow through to not argue, not discuss it, but to simply say, enough... .and be done with it. THAT is a boundary. I say this because I would simply tell her, fact, not threat. A simple statement. I think it's great you want to get help. I think the first key to growth is admitting there are things to work on. And after that it's doing the work. I think this is something I would support you in doing and I think in order for us to continue it's absolutely necessary. That simple. And if she starts dodging the meetings, or stops going, no argument, no blow up, nothing. You end it.

Good Luck.

[Loosestrife]

Thanks for you insights

Silent scream -

I know what you mean about being pushed way past your limit. I know that any therapy will take at least 1year + and I don't know if I have the strength to spend even another week in the same situation I have been whilst they undertake therapy. I'm a strong person, but it has effected my job and my health. I know the right thing is to cut my losses and move on, but I can't seem to do it.

Anxiety -

Time will tell what type of diagnosis /therapy they end up with. My ex still says they can't help their behaviour as they are not in control and doesn't remember a lot of it, although feels very guilty.

[anxiety5]

I have an iPhone and a mac. Best thing ever, is the fact that all our iMessages were auto archived on my mac without me having to do anything. You don't know how many times I've revisited conversations and there it is in writing, everything she said, in stone, unable to be wished away. She HATES it. I love it. It's auto-accountability, especially if she's a text happy person like my ex.

If you don't have this luxury where she writes paragraph texts like I did, I suggest keeping a journal of her behavior, things that happen, your mood, and what went down. It may sound stupid but I'm telling you, it will help you recognize patterns, and more importantly, keep you sane.

[silentscream]

Thanks for you insights

Silent scream -

I know what you mean about being pushed way past your limit. I know that any therapy will take at least 1year + and I don't know if I have the strength to spend even another week in the same situation I have been whilst they undertake therapy. I'm a strong person, but it has effected my job and my health. I know the right thing is to cut my losses and move on, but I can't seem to do it.

Anxiety -

Time will tell what type of diagnosis /therapy they end up with. My ex still says they can't help their behaviour as they are not in control and doesn't remember a lot of it, although feels very guilty.

Louise - my health and job have been affected as well. My absenteeism has been awful, and I feel like I've aged 10 years in the last six months. My anxiety and depression are through the roof, and while I'd NEVER hurt myself, there are nights that I go to bed and think it would be so much easier if I just didn't wake up the next day.  :'(

I really am trying to thrive in spite of him, but it is so hard. Like you, I think I know that the best thing to do is cut my losses and move in. In figuring out why I'm just not able to do it, my counselor asked me recently ... ."how much evidence do you need that he is not going to get better? You'll have to find your personal limit. But decide how much your life ... .your time ... .is worth". In my case, I've tried to figure out how much "bad" I have to live through to justify the "bad" of breaking my vows and leaving. That's probably not a healthy way to think, and friends have pointed out that I'm more worried about his mental health and wellbeing than I am about my own. They are probably right. It's time to shift the focus.

[Loosestrife]

There's definitely a pattern every 2 weeks or so and I have journaled it. My ex says sorry when I mention things from the past that have affected me but Laos just wants to 'move on'. I'm not sure I can. I definitely need to focus on my own mental health as I'm still not coping being apart from them

[Ladylove]

Take one day at a time

I'm going to a therapist to learn how to work with my BPD husband and I thought she had a great suggestion.  If your partner says she is going to get a psychiatric evaluation, don't make any rash moves to get back together until she's gone and done the evaluation.  If something comes out of it, then I think it's better to make the decision to stay or to go 'cause you'll know exactly what you will be working with for the rest of your life with her.

It's a huge step for her to admit that she has a problem, but be cautious about her claims to really have changed.  I know in my own personal situation, my partner makes positive changes in leaps and will be very vocal about how hard he's worked and all the changes he has made, and then BOOM... .one trigger and it's back to the reaction and rage.

I'm here for you!

[Loosestrife]

Thanks Ladylove, that sound advice