How do I protect her younger sister in all this chaos?

[nzmum]

 

Looking for some tips on how to stop my youngest being so devastatingly affected.

BP.DD17 has had 3 visits to the police cells this week for 'just standing on a bridge' (her words) don't think she remembers hiding from the police then running to the railings as 4 amazing guys ('just doing our job, no need to thank us' grabbed and restrained her.  Currently 'having a break' in a respite house for youth. (BREATHE!).

Have spent last 24 hours explaining to nonBP.DD14 that NONE of this is her doing/responsibility etc.  Been through several boxes of tissues  :'(  She desperately wants to help (bless!). Wants to attend all trips to the police cells (not that we've let that happen).  School grades have plummeted. Anxiety is very high.  Short of buying another house and running 2 homes I can't see a way around the daily drama.

So if you've been here and done this already I'd love to know how you coped. 

Thanks guys.

   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SlyQQ]

Sympathy you cant is the awnser understanding is the only way i have 17 15 an 10 10 has been in tears a couple of times he sought of knows his sister is "unwell" it only makes it a little easier 15 has regularly been flipped black an bears it all fairly stoically but lots of prblems everywhere luck

[pessim-optimist]

I hope there will be some parents with multiple children who have dealt with this successfully and will be able to give you some practical advice... .This must be so hard for you AND your D14. 

There are several things going on: your grief and worry, that prevents you from giving more to D14. Her stress and worry that prevent her from being a care-free teenager. Your added worry about D14 (on top of D17), and her added worry about you - her mom... .

Part of what you can do to help your D14 to cope is to share your feelings honestly (but only what is appropriate - making her your confidant would not be healthy) - and also share with her and model for her how to cope with those feelings - the healthy self-care that we all talk about here.

Is therapy for your D14 a possibility? It would be really helpful to have some professional help through these intense situations. I am sure she loves her sister dearly and cannot bear the burden of worry. There also will be those feelings of guilt for having her own needs and wanting to have a normal life. That is so hard even for us adults to balance. Teenagers are not equipped to deal with that yet... .

[nzmum]

Thanks for that Pessim-optimist

am going to see what counselling I can organise for D14 today.  It's so hard as she pushes and pushes us for the details - she really wants to be kept in the loop fully.  Honesty is something we treasure in our household (BP-DD17 not so much nowadays) and DD14 knows when I am witholding details etc.

Will keep on trucking!

BP-DD17 meets (1st time) her 'teams' psychiatrist this morning as a follow up to last weeks massive escalation of events. School starts back today for DD14 too.  Trying to keep a calm lid on all areas 

[llbee814]

My dd19 is the youngest of four... .two of which are 8 and 10 years older, with one brother being only two years older.  They were all profoundly and negatively affected by dd and honestly, still are.  My one son spent two years in high school with her and I am still finding out things that I never knew.  I would caution you that there is the possibility that your younger daughter knows much more than you think, and perhaps more than you know yourself.  With facebook and all the other social media everything becomes common knowledge in the blink of an eye.  Counseling is a very good idea.  Good luck.

[nzmum]

Thank you llbee814 - words of wisdom taken on board!  Fortunately for us BP-DD17 left high school earlier this year so nonBP-DD14 has that to herself at least.  Staff there are being soo supportive too - looks as if all the years on the Parents Association etc are now paying back dividends!  DD14 is uncertain about counseling - but I am going to organise it anyway - certainly can't do any harm to build a rapport with a counselor before things escalate for her.

You are of course dead right about the jolly old interweb! Sometimes wish it had never been developed!  Having said that I'd be lost without this lifeline of a message board!