Do they latch on to certain families?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My BPD bf has a relationship with a certain family that I find very odd.  It has caused a lot of arguments between.  No matter what they (in particular the daughter) does to hurt or upset me, he never thinks they've done anything wrong and tells me I am just "hormonal" 

Something happened again yesterday which spilled over into today.  I won't go into the long details, but I was again disrespected by a member of that family who was meant to come over yesterday to do a job he was being paid for.  Arrangments were made on Friday and even though I wanted him to do it on Sunday (today), I adjusted my schedule to suit him and agreed to Saturday evening at 9.  As a result I had to ask other people to please adjust their schedule as well.  They did, but not without being very angry about it.  I texted the guy Saturday afternoon to confirm, but he didn't reply.  I called and he didn't answer his mobile.  Finally, around 8:15 Saturday night he send a message to say he'll do the job on Sunday!    The whole thing really upset me as I once again had to contact people who have been inconviencied  and this time tell them that the prep work they did Saturday afternoon was for naught and their evening spend waiting was a waste.  I am very upset.  I phoned the guy and had a word with him about how unprofessional he is.  In a nutshell he told me that it was a Saturday and he was busy with his family. A screw you tone in his voice.  Since my bf set the whole thing up in the first place, I asked him to have a word with the guy.  His reply was "no, I don't want to upset him".  I am still LIVID. 

^^This is the most recent example.  There have been many more and much worse than this. I am hurt beyond words that my bf never thinks anyone in that family is wrong.

I've given it much though after the recent event.  There is something bizaar about him and that whole family.  He has his own house yet chooses live with and rent from them.  He gets angry often with them, but never expresses it to them even in the least.  No matter how inconsiderate, rude or unthoughtful they are towards him, he just takes it and even tells me "I don't want to upset them" !  When I say something against them he becomes angry. 

I can almost compare it to those people who keep saying they hate Miley Cyrus, yet they are up to date on her every move and have her videos on their laptops.  If they ever met her they would probably tell her how great she is.  That's how my bf is with this family.  It's almost like he's their stalker or something weird.  Hates them, but must be around them.  What is with this?

Is this normal BPD behaviour?  Could it be that they latch onto families (or even groups of people), and idealize them as the perfect family as if to try and get something from that family that they never did from their own?  Yet they stick around even though they get nothing but misery from them.   I'm trying very hard to understand this.

[Perdita]

My BPD bf has a relationship with a certain family that I find very odd.  It has caused a lot of arguments between.  No matter what they (in particular the daughter) does to hurt or upset me, he never thinks they've done anything wrong and tells me I am just "hormonal" 

Something happened again yesterday which spilled over into today.  I won't go into the long details, but I was again disrespected by a member of that family who was meant to come over yesterday to do a job he was being paid for.  Arrangments were made on Friday and even though I wanted him to do it on Sunday (today), I adjusted my schedule to suit him and agreed to Saturday evening at 9.  As a result I had to ask other people to please adjust their schedule as well.  They did, but not without being very angry about it.  I texted the guy Saturday afternoon to confirm, but he didn't reply.  I called and he didn't answer his mobile.  Finally, around 8:15 Saturday night he send a message to say he'll do the job on Sunday!    The whole thing really upset me as I once again had to contact people who have been inconviencied  and this time tell them that the prep work they did Saturday afternoon was for naught and their evening spend waiting was a waste.  I am very upset.  I phoned the guy and had a word with him about how unprofessional he is.  In a nutshell he told me that it was a Saturday and he was busy with his family. A screw you tone in his voice.  Since my bf set the whole thing up in the first place, I asked him to have a word with the guy.  His reply was "no, I don't want to upset him".  I am still LIVID. 

^^This is the most recent example.  There have been many more and much worse than this. I am hurt beyond words that my bf never thinks anyone in that family is wrong.

I've given it much though after the recent event.  There is something bizaar about him and that whole family.  He has his own house yet chooses live with and rent from them.  He gets angry often with them, but never expresses it to them even in the least.  No matter how inconsiderate, rude or unthoughtful they are towards him, he just takes it and even tells me "I don't want to upset them" !  When I say something against them he becomes angry. 

I can almost compare it to those people who keep saying they hate Miley Cyrus, yet they are up to date on her every move and have her videos on their laptops.  If they ever met her they would probably tell her how great she is.  That's how my bf is with this family.  It's almost like he's their stalker or something weird.  Hates them, but must be around them.  What is with this?

Is this normal BPD behaviour?  Could it be that they latch onto families (or even groups of people), and idealize them as the perfect family as if to try and get something from that family that they never did from their own?  Yet they stick around even though they get nothing but misery from them.   I'm trying very hard to understand this.

[Mr. Solo]

My wife latches on to the families of her good friends. In fact, she either ends up feeling like she is actually part of their family for real or she crosses a line and they get freaked out and reject her. She has no family other than me and our kids so I sort of understand it but when she is not in a good place mentally, she will become so much a part of her friends' families that she neglects ours. When she left me the last time, she went to live in an apartment on one family's property (they all live right beside each other). She was under the impression she was "family" to them but she found out quickly that when it comes down to it, they don't see her like she sees them. Her girlfriends become her sisters and not symbolically. She actually says they are her sisters. It is very strange.

[waverider]

A balanced view of anyone is difficult, they are either "in" warts and all (usually overlooked or excused), or they are 'out'. Who is "in" today will not always stay on that list. When the pwBPD perceives theyhave been personally let down then they can quickly be shifted to the "out" pile.

Its a case of they can do no wrong until there is a straw that breaks the camels back, and all past sins, real and imaginary, will be piled on.

[Perdita]

When she left me the last time, she went to live in an apartment on one family's property (they all live right beside each other). She was under the impression she was "family" to them but she found out quickly that when it comes down to it, they don't see her like she sees them.

I can see that they don't see him in the same way as he does them. If only he will wake up and see it too.  The evidence is all over the place.

A balanced view of anyone is difficult, they are either "in" warts and all (usually overlooked or excused), or they are 'out'. Who is "in" today will not always stay on that list. When the pwBPD perceives theyhave been personally let down then they can quickly be shifted to the "out" pile.

Waverider, he just has such a high level of tolerance when it comes to them that I can't help but feel that they will probably never be moved to the "out" pile.  They do upset him, but he stays and even defends them.

Its a case of they can do no wrong until there is a straw that breaks the camels back, and all past sins, real and imaginary, will be piled on.

I so wish that straw will come that will break the camel's back.  This family is the #1 reason why we argue.  I am so sick of it. It is their house, he just rents a room from them.  Yet when repairs need to be done around the house they actually expect him to contribute - which he does! He always tells me "this is the last time".  Yeah, right . . .  Recently the whole family came and packed down at the house.  Predictably the toilet over flowed again and the drain got blocked.  After they left he went outside and opened the drain.  I watched - from a safe distance - as he literally shovelled through their ___.  He should have called a plumber, but wanted to save them money since they are such a stingy lot.

[waverider]

It is odd how they can still idolize someone who treats them badly, and can be capable of extreme delusion. The time will come when the excuses he is making for them today will be rewritten in the opposite. Unfortunately the more you express your reality the more he will defend and treat your involvement as an attempt to control his choices.

He needs to learn for himself, otherwise he will project the dramas onto you as being your fault.

[Perdita]

Unfortunately the more you express your reality the more he will defend and treat your involvement as an attempt to control his choices.

He needs to learn for himself, otherwise he will project the dramas onto you as being your fault.

Waverider, I am glad you said that.  I have come to the same conclusion. The times when I have played devil's advocate in their defence he would say things like "no, nonsense" and see them more clearly for what they are.  The big problem is that the sister in that family is a major major major (can't say it enough) manipulator of men using her skinny body to deflect attention from the fact that she is using them financially etc.  He always laughs about how she uses men, but can't see that she has used him more than all of them combined.  It's very hurtful when you are doing everything you can for someone day in and day out only for someone that does nothing for them to get all the respect and love.  I am very much at the end of my rope having been forced to kill off much of my feelings for him to survive this situation. I will try to bite my tongue more and see what happens. I am dreading the holidays and her and the rest of the family's return to town.