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Author Topic: Why is it that after all this time I am still sensitive?  (Read 2034 times)
Numbers
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« on: October 22, 2014, 10:51:21 AM »

Hey folks, long time since I last posted.

Something happened, and I would really appreciate some input.

I am 411 days out. Not that I am counting, I looked it up for this post. It is now over a year of an uphill battle. Certainly the hardest thing I ever had to handle in my life, and trust me, I am no stranger to struggle. But after months of desperation, I really rolled up the sleeves and started focusing on me. Educating, working out, trying to plan the future. I even manage to stay off her social networks, there is nothing but grief awaiting me there. But it is so hard... .and a new kind of depression came, when I realized in full just how much devastation happened to my life.

I phoned a guy today that introduced me to my ex. We are in the same business and I wanted him to submit a bid for a job we are offering. And he asks me if I knew my ex bought an appartment in my neighbourhood. Boom. I spent the rest of the day with a ball of pain in my stomach.

It was so long since I was down like this. Maybe I am overreacting, but I really sensitive to more pain.

I even know exactly why it hurts. Somewhere inside me there was a small hope burried that she will not fare well. It is childish, but really I allowed it because it made me feel better. No harm done. Well, if she can afford an appartment, certainly she is doing well. Better then me in fact.

But this is not about my vengeful wishes. I will readjust and let go of this too.

I am scared that there is some permanent emotional damage done that will cripple me for the rest of my life. What do you think? What are your experiences?

ps. I do not wish to come over as a doomsayer, I just want to resolve a specific fear. For the people new to the boards: it does get better after breakup, this is just about a lingering issue.

D.
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Ripples
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« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2014, 01:31:43 PM »

I can only speak for myself here Numbers. Im a lot further out than you. Looking back I have been incredibly stupid because I bought into her words and ignored her actions. To say I was strung along would be an understatement. I never got closure. Instead I fell for the "I miss you" and "I love you" stuff for too long following the end of the "relationship". As a result I had absolutely nothing to go on to put it all to bed and instead I had to just learn to hide it all away deep inside me somewhere. The problem with this coping mechanism is that when she does resurface whether directly or indirectly these feelings come back uninvited. I accept im not fixed. I cope. Perhaps your are in the same boat?
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Conundrum
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« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2014, 01:35:04 PM »

Why do you have to be perfect? So you still possess feelings that can be stirred. There's a difference between acknowledging feelings and being trapped by those same feelings.
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Infared
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« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2014, 02:17:30 PM »

Hey Numbers... .

Just give yourself more time... .BPDs are horrible... .but there is also the human condition, which we are all in... BPD or no BPD... .

Now ... .that being said... .to me... .that fact that she bought a place in your neighborhood is significant news... .and since you are in the human condition and if you are like everyone else who has come to this site... .you really loved this woman... .and if you went through anything close to what I did... .she ripped your heart out, stomped on it and laughed about it on the way out the door with your replacement.   ... .I think 5 years from now... the fact that she moved nearby would still be news to you that would stir feelings, if you really, really loved this person.  It's the human condition... .and then there is also taking care of you... .  Process it, work though it and don't bury it and let it eat you up. Coming her and laying it out for inspection is good stuff... .Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I don't think I will ever be over mine... .there were just so many things there that meant so much to me... .but it was only me. Sucks bad. ... .but that is the truth, no matter what she "says".

I think that I will always hurt over it... . but I work hard at taking care of me... Physically, mentally and spiritually.   Do I do it perfect... .no... .but I chip away at it... .

I had a situation a little while back where I was in a parking lot and (I did not figure it out until after)... but she orchestrated this whole "accidental" run-in. (as far as I am concerned it was an outright ambush and my life was in danger... .she had hurt me that bad and I think she married her new supply and there she was "chasing me aoround a parking lot"... .she was all dressed up and headed right at me ... but trying to make it look "by chance"...  Now I have to tell you... .one of the hardest things that I ever did in my life was put my head down and I sped up and arced right around her. I turned around and she was doing the low-self-esteem victim slump over her cart... .major drama... .I JUST KEPT MOVING!  There is nothing there but sickness and games.   Nothing.  I got really angry when I realized that she set the whole thing up.  

I had really deep feelings about it.  I am alone these days, but I took the right actions to take care of me. I got in my car and got out of there.  I work through it every day... .and every day I tell myself that I  love me.   ... .and you know what ... .I do.

You are doing just fine numbers.  Just keep taking care of you... .movin on... . 
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RedDove
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« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2014, 02:32:55 PM »

Numbers, what you are felling is "normal" and exactly how many of us Nons/normal people would feel given your situation. We are caring, loving people who fell in love with a disordered person. I'm sorry you are experiencing those feelings, but stay with them, go thru them, not around them. Perhaps try to write down exactly what you're feeling and then tell yourself it's okay and normal! You are not alone! 



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Agent_of_Chaos
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« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2014, 03:29:21 PM »

Hey folks, long time since I last posted.

Something happened, and I would really appreciate some input.

I am 411 days out. Not that I am counting, I looked it up for this post. It is now over a year of an uphill battle. Certainly the hardest thing I ever had to handle in my life, and trust me, I am no stranger to struggle. But after months of desperation, I really rolled up the sleeves and started focusing on me. Educating, working out, trying to plan the future. I even manage to stay off her social networks, there is nothing but grief awaiting me there. But it is so hard... .and a new kind of depression came, when I realized in full just how much devastation happened to my life.

I phoned a guy today that introduced me to my ex. We are in the same business and I wanted him to submit a bid for a job we are offering. And he asks me if I knew my ex bought an appartment in my neighbourhood. Boom. I spent the rest of the day with a ball of pain in my stomach.

It was so long since I was down like this. Maybe I am overreacting, but I really sensitive to more pain.

I even know exactly why it hurts. Somewhere inside me there was a small hope burried that she will not fare well. It is childish, but really I allowed it because it made me feel better. No harm done. Well, if she can afford an appartment, certainly she is doing well. Better then me in fact.

But this is not about my vengeful wishes. I will readjust and let go of this too.

I am scared that there is some permanent emotional damage done that will cripple me for the rest of my life. What do you think? What are your experiences?

ps. I do not wish to come over as a doomsayer, I just want to resolve a specific fear. For the people new to the boards: it does get better after breakup, this is just about a lingering issue.

D.

Ironically enough I find comfort in your emotions.  You my friend, LOVED.  Like many of us on this board... .we truly loved.  It wasn't a relationship that passed the time, it wasn't a relationship that simply provided physical/emotional needs; but it was a relationship derived out of passion, respect, and love.  My wounds are still fresh so I can't offer any advice... .just a token of compassion.  I've had prior relationships where I loved to this degree but when they ended I had closure.

My recent break up there is no closure.  In fact, it seems to be a muddled mess.  I learn/discover something new every day.  Sometimes what I read helps me rationalize everything.  Sometimes it makes me feel worse.  Even when the relationship was deemed over I think I am only beginning to realize the impact it is having on my heart. I know my healing is far from over but in a sense, I think it will always be a process. 

What I hope to gain is the lesson I've learned out of this entire situation.  I don't think you are over reacting, I think your hearts' brain is just remembering.  Even when our heart feels glued back together, the scars still hurt.

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Infared
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« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2014, 03:35:09 PM »

Ironically enough I find comfort in your emotions.  You my friend, LOVED.  Like many of us on this board... .we truly loved.  It wasn't a relationship that passed the time, it wasn't a relationship that simply provided physical/emotional needs; but it was a relationship derived out of passion, respect, and love.  My wounds are still fresh so I can't offer any advice... .just a token of compassion.  I've had prior relationships where I loved to this degree but when they ended I had closure.

My recent break up there is no closure.  In fact, it seems to be a muddled mess.  I learn/discover something new every day.  Sometimes what I read helps me rationalize everything.  Sometimes it makes me feel worse.  Even when the relationship was deemed over I think I am only beginning to realize the impact it is having on my heart. I know my healing is far from over but in a sense, I think it will always be a process. 

What I hope to gain is the lesson I've learned out of this entire situation.  I don't think you are over reacting, I think your hearts' brain is just remembering.  Even when our heart feels glued back together, the scars still hurt.

Nice!
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DazedAndConfusedinNC

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« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2014, 03:43:04 PM »

Hey folks, long time since I last posted.

Something happened, and I would really appreciate some input.

I am 411 days out. Not that I am counting, I looked it up for this post. It is now over a year of an uphill battle. Certainly the hardest thing I ever had to handle in my life, and trust me, I am no stranger to struggle. But after months of desperation, I really rolled up the sleeves and started focusing on me. Educating, working out, trying to plan the future. I even manage to stay off her social networks, there is nothing but grief awaiting me there. But it is so hard... .and a new kind of depression came, when I realized in full just how much devastation happened to my life.

I phoned a guy today that introduced me to my ex. We are in the same business and I wanted him to submit a bid for a job we are offering. And he asks me if I knew my ex bought an appartment in my neighbourhood. Boom. I spent the rest of the day with a ball of pain in my stomach.

It was so long since I was down like this. Maybe I am overreacting, but I really sensitive to more pain.

I even know exactly why it hurts. Somewhere inside me there was a small hope burried that she will not fare well. It is childish, but really I allowed it because it made me feel better. No harm done. Well, if she can afford an appartment, certainly she is doing well. Better then me in fact.

But this is not about my vengeful wishes. I will readjust and let go of this too.

I am scared that there is some permanent emotional damage done that will cripple me for the rest of my life. What do you think? What are your experiences?

ps. I do not wish to come over as a doomsayer, I just want to resolve a specific fear. For the people new to the boards: it does get better after breakup, this is just about a lingering issue.

D.

Ironically enough I find comfort in your emotions.  You my friend, LOVED.  Like many of us on this board... .we truly loved.  It wasn't a relationship that passed the time, it wasn't a relationship that simply provided physical/emotional needs; but it was a relationship derived out of passion, respect, and love.  My wounds are still fresh so I can't offer any advice... .just a token of compassion.  I've had prior relationships where I loved to this degree but when they ended I had closure.

My recent break up there is no closure.  In fact, it seems to be a muddled mess.  I learn/discover something new every day.  Sometimes what I read helps me rationalize everything.  Sometimes it makes me feel worse.  Even when the relationship was deemed over I think I am only beginning to realize the impact it is having on my heart. I know my healing is far from over but in a sense, I think it will always be a process. 

What I hope to gain is the lesson I've learned out of this entire situation.  I don't think you are over reacting, I think your hearts' brain is just remembering.  Even when our heart feels glued back together, the scars still hurt.

Well said agent.
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Agent_of_Chaos
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« Reply #8 on: October 23, 2014, 08:13:04 AM »

Hey folks, long time since I last posted.

Something happened, and I would really appreciate some input.

I am 411 days out. Not that I am counting, I looked it up for this post. It is now over a year of an uphill battle. Certainly the hardest thing I ever had to handle in my life, and trust me, I am no stranger to struggle. But after months of desperation, I really rolled up the sleeves and started focusing on me. Educating, working out, trying to plan the future. I even manage to stay off her social networks, there is nothing but grief awaiting me there. But it is so hard... .and a new kind of depression came, when I realized in full just how much devastation happened to my life.

I phoned a guy today that introduced me to my ex. We are in the same business and I wanted him to submit a bid for a job we are offering. And he asks me if I knew my ex bought an appartment in my neighbourhood. Boom. I spent the rest of the day with a ball of pain in my stomach.

It was so long since I was down like this. Maybe I am overreacting, but I really sensitive to more pain.

I even know exactly why it hurts. Somewhere inside me there was a small hope burried that she will not fare well. It is childish, but really I allowed it because it made me feel better. No harm done. Well, if she can afford an appartment, certainly she is doing well. Better then me in fact.

But this is not about my vengeful wishes. I will readjust and let go of this too.

I am scared that there is some permanent emotional damage done that will cripple me for the rest of my life. What do you think? What are your experiences?

ps. I do not wish to come over as a doomsayer, I just want to resolve a specific fear. For the people new to the boards: it does get better after breakup, this is just about a lingering issue.

D.

Ironically enough I find comfort in your emotions.  You my friend, LOVED.  Like many of us on this board... .we truly loved.  It wasn't a relationship that passed the time, it wasn't a relationship that simply provided physical/emotional needs; but it was a relationship derived out of passion, respect, and love.  My wounds are still fresh so I can't offer any advice... .just a token of compassion.  I've had prior relationships where I loved to this degree but when they ended I had closure.

My recent break up there is no closure.  In fact, it seems to be a muddled mess.  I learn/discover something new every day.  Sometimes what I read helps me rationalize everything.  Sometimes it makes me feel worse.  Even when the relationship was deemed over I think I am only beginning to realize the impact it is having on my heart. I know my healing is far from over but in a sense, I think it will always be a process. 

What I hope to gain is the lesson I've learned out of this entire situation.  I don't think you are over reacting, I think your hearts' brain is just remembering.  Even when our heart feels glued back together, the scars still hurt.

Well said agent.

Appreicate it dazed.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #9 on: October 23, 2014, 09:08:15 AM »

Excerpt
I even know exactly why it hurts. Somewhere inside me there was a small hope burried that she will not fare well. It is childish, but really I allowed it because it made me feel better. No harm done. Well, if she can afford an appartment, certainly she is doing well. Better then me in fact.

Completely normal.  Why call it "childish"?  Instead, how about giving yourself a bit of compassion?  You have very real, very deep reasons for being angry and not wanting her to succeed that go far beyond "childish" reasons.  How about because she hurt you so much?  How about a sense of justice about someone who took so much and seems to get off scott-free?  How about because you perhaps fear that if she succeeds in life it will somehow prove that you were wrong about her and it was really just your fault?  These are all normal.  Give yourself some compassion.  Of course you don't want to emotionally stay at this, but this is what is, and we have all been there.  I am doing so much better than I was... .so much better... .and if my ex told me that she landed a new job that paid 6 figures and she was able to give our children all the things they ever dreamed of, you bet it would bother me.  And I'm not going to condemn myself for that.  In time, and with healing, I will work through it.  What is important is to understand yourself and your story behind those feelings.  Be on your own side, for once.  If you aren't, nobody else is.  She certainly isn't.

Excerpt
I am scared that there is some permanent emotional damage done that will cripple me for the rest of my life. What do you think? What are your experiences?

My scars are long and deep, but that doesn't mean I haven't worked through a lot to become a stronger, healthier, wiser person.  I have.  So, has she caused you some kind of potentially permanent damage, like a scar?  Probably, but what good does it do worrying about it?  Besides, scars aren't necessarily a bad thing.  In some ways, I definitely walk with a limp, but that isn't necessarily bad.  When we have taken the time to work through them, they give body and depth and wisdom to us.  They make us compassionate toward those who are hurt in similar ways.  I've been with a T for the past four years, during all of the final betrayals from my ex.  But after having split from her and continuing to work with him, I am doing WAY better.  And I still have to see my ex and talk to her at least weekly because we live in a small town and share children.  Let your worry about this propel you forward in your life rather than keep you spinning your wheels in your head.



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Agent_of_Chaos
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« Reply #10 on: October 23, 2014, 09:48:58 AM »

Excerpt
I even know exactly why it hurts. Somewhere inside me there was a small hope burried that she will not fare well. It is childish, but really I allowed it because it made me feel better. No harm done. Well, if she can afford an appartment, certainly she is doing well. Better then me in fact.

Completely normal.  Why call it "childish"?  Instead, how about giving yourself a bit of compassion?  You have very real, very deep reasons for being angry and not wanting her to succeed that go far beyond "childish" reasons.  How about because she hurt you so much?  How about a sense of justice about someone who took so much and seems to get off scott-free?  How about because you perhaps fear that if she succeeds in life it will somehow prove that you were wrong about her and it was really just your fault?  These are all normal.  Give yourself some compassion.  Of course you don't want to emotionally stay at this, but this is what is, and we have all been there.  I am doing so much better than I was... .so much better... .and if my ex told me that she landed a new job that paid 6 figures and she was able to give our children all the things they ever dreamed of, you bet it would bother me.  And I'm not going to condemn myself for that.  In time, and with healing, I will work through it.  What is important is to understand yourself and your story behind those feelings.  Be on your own side, for once.  If you aren't, nobody else is.  She certainly isn't.

Excerpt
I am scared that there is some permanent emotional damage done that will cripple me for the rest of my life. What do you think? What are your experiences?

My scars are long and deep, but that doesn't mean I haven't worked through a lot to become a stronger, healthier, wiser person.  I have.  So, has she caused you some kind of potentially permanent damage, like a scar?  Probably, but what good does it do worrying about it?  Besides, scars aren't necessarily a bad thing.  In some ways, I definitely walk with a limp, but that isn't necessarily bad.  When we have taken the time to work through them, they give body and depth and wisdom to us.  They make us compassionate toward those who are hurt in similar ways.  I've been with a T for the past four years, during all of the final betrayals from my ex.  But after having split from her and continuing to work with him, I am doing WAY better.  And I still have to see my ex and talk to her at least weekly because we live in a small town and share children.  Let your worry about this propel you forward in your life rather than keep you spinning your wheels in your head.


Egypt, I really enjoyed this post.  It gave me a sense of forgiveness believe it or not.  I am finding that we are accustomed to demanding more from ourselves in these relationships; and just because they end, our internal battles don't.  We are so use to pushing ourselves, our hearts, our minds to the limit that I think we just become conditioned.  Like numbers, I question my integrity at times because of the way I feel.  You said: Instead, how about giving yourself a bit of compassion? and it really struck a cord.  While working through my emotional turmoil I need to remind myself that I am human.  I was hurt in a merciless way and it's ok to be angry about that.

Thank you, truly.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #11 on: October 23, 2014, 10:03:01 AM »

You are very welcome

Excerpt
While working through my emotional turmoil I need to remind myself that I am human.  I was hurt in a merciless way and it's ok to be angry about that.

Yup!  It is more than okay.  It is right.  And in time, that will subside as you find more freedom in enjoying your new life.  But I still find myself straying into that harsh stance toward myself.  One of the things I face is that voice that condemns me for being "weak" in how I deal with her.  It is partly because I've imbibed the idea that being "strong" means getting in someone's face and not letting them do things to you (and a lot of well-meaning but ignorant friends only contribute to that idea).  But with someone like this, that only amounts to engaging in their sick little dance.  So, I give myself compassion and remind myself that it is not weakness but wisdom that keeps me letting go of the little things, not engaging her emotionally, radically accepting what kind of person she is, and focusing on what is important in life instead of her.
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Numbers
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« Reply #12 on: October 23, 2014, 12:03:20 PM »

Hey folks, thank you so much for the support, it was much needed.

I am way better today. But this brings another issue - if something so innocent triggers me, it just means that there are still things repressed instead of processed, just as Ripples suggested. Such a waste of time to be stuck in this sorry state. I am not angry about time spent in relationship, but truly angry about time spent in recovery. It was so long since I was last in grief that I just panicked when it resurfaced - maybe I am just tired of pain and the only real "damage" done is that I will no longer be willing to tolerate this kind of hurt.

Why do you have to be perfect? So you still possess feelings that can be stirred. There's a difference between acknowledging feelings and being trapped by those same feelings.

Please do not get his wrong. You came to these boards shortly after me. And I often thought of your posts as "hardline", in a "snap out of it" way. I remember you once wrote how this is your style. It used to be mine also, but for the first time, it did not work for me. I am sincerely interested how it worked out for you?

You my friend, LOVED.  Like many of us on this board... .we truly loved.

Thank you for your support. I took this quote to say that I realized something often suggested on this board. I was not in love with her. Honestly, and without anger, she is unlovable in her current state. I was in love with being in love. Maybe this opens a new line of thought for you.

Why call it "childish"?  Instead, how about giving yourself a bit of compassion?

I call it childish because I am not jealous of her romantic future, but of her life achievements. Maybe it is a coincidence, but she literally lives my life now. Has the same title, attends same professional meeting I did, does off-the-beaten-path travel I used to do, took some of my acquaintances as new friends. Hell, she even uses my phrases. And years ago I literally dragged her out of a dumphole. It just goes against my values to envy this - I should be proud, right? But I am not and it bothers me. Maybe someone could suggest if I am missing something?

I struggle so hard with so many things today. Central to this is essentially loss of identity - when I shop for clothes, I do not know what to buy anymore, when I decorate my appartment, I do not know what I like anymore. Hell, I even do not enjoy my new sports car (no bragging, just an example). And I turned into a really bitter person. Funny thing is, I am fully aware of my bittertness towards others and I do not like it, but it still happens. It is just not me! But I am working so hard on minimising stress and being gentle to myself, maybe time will heal this.

One last thing I wanted to ask the board is about total lack of energy I am experiencing. Mind you, it is over a year since. Look to the right, there is "creative action" as fourth step. I again have all kinds of new ideas, but I just cannot be bothered. How did it work out for you? Did you just give yourself more time or did you kick yourselves in the backside?

Thank you all again.

D.

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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #13 on: October 23, 2014, 12:11:30 PM »

I'm not sure giving yourself a kick in the backside will help.  Besides, it sounds like you are already doing that (calling your struggles "childish", for example).  Does it really work?  No.  Give yourself a break and give yourself time.  And if you don't have a good T to work with, find one.  That is worth its weight in gold.
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« Reply #14 on: October 23, 2014, 12:24:15 PM »

You my friend, LOVED.  Like many of us on this board... .we truly loved.

Thank you for your support. I took this quote to say that I realized something often suggested on this board. I was not in love with her. Honestly, and without anger, she is unlovable in her current state. I was in love with being in love. Maybe this opens a new line of thought for you.

Your welcome my friend.  I think it is an interesting point and in fact there is some truth behind it.  I do love to love.  I feel as if it pours out of me. This is probably closely related to negative experiences in my past.  Perhaps I am consumed by the person I fell in love with whom she no longer is.  I think your statement about being unlovable due to the current state is very raw but honest.  On some level I do agree.  I also note that love knows no boundaries and is self defined.  I admire your strength and how you still manage to identify your weaknesses.
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DazedAndConfusedinNC

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« Reply #15 on: October 23, 2014, 05:20:42 PM »

Hey folks, thank you so much for the support, it was much needed.

I am way better today. But this brings another issue - if something so innocent triggers me, it just means that there are still things repressed instead of processed, just as Ripples suggested. Such a waste of time to be stuck in this sorry state. I am not angry about time spent in relationship, but truly angry about time spent in recovery. It was so long since I was last in grief that I just panicked when it resurfaced - maybe I am just tired of pain and the only real "damage" done is that I will no longer be willing to tolerate this kind of hurt.

All my closest friends have rightly pointed out that I have picked essentially the same type of woman for each of my more serious relationships and strongly suggested I go see someone with a lot of letters after his name. I took their advice and started seeing a well-rounded Psychologist with a PhD about four weeks ago. He suggested that I buy The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook and start with the Self-Talk section. I think he suggested that I start there because I still believe too much of the bad she said about me and her blaming me for all our issues.

The book may be worth looking at and counseling, with a good counselor, is always helpful. The workshops here are helpful too.

www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1572248912
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