Are my standards to high?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have been sick for the last week or two. I have tried to get my husband to step up and help more. I have had a horrible rash and have been afraid to touch anything and have been showering and keeping a lot of ointment on it. As a result, we have had a lot of extra laundry. I have tried to keep up with it. Anyway, he had a three day weekend. On Saturday, he said he would do laundry while I was at work on Sunday. On Sunday, he said he would do laundry on Monday. I had to work Monday night and we were running low on towels and our daughter's bed sheets needed washed as she had wet the bed. As the day progressed, I tried not to say anything but I was slowly getting frustrated. I went and put the load in the dryer and started another load on my own. He found out and got irritated with me and said, "I said I was going to do it." The previous day, our daughter was upset because we hadn't washed her favorite sheets. She is 5 and he got mad at her and said, "You didn't tell me they needed washed."

Somewhere in there, he and I got into a bit of back and forth. He yelled at me and said, "I am sorry that I can't live up to your standards." Are my standards really too high? All I wanted was to make sure that I would have enough towels to shower before work. And then, when I get home last night he tells me, the laundry is all caught up except for what is in the baskets. I didn't say anything other than "Okay" because the bulk of our laundry comes from the very baskets that were full that he did not wash. He said that we were caught up because he washed HIS work clothes.

It infuriates me when he acts like my standards are unreasonable. I will ask him to do things and he won't do them or will put them off. Instead of nagging him, I will do it myself. I feel like it is a no win situation where he will get mad if I remind him and he will get mad if I do it myself. There have been times when he has asked for my help with something and then when I give it to him he gets mad.

And he will get into fights with the kids and then act like he is the victim. Just yesterday, I woke up to him fighting with the kids. One of them needed help moving a chair. She tried to ask him to put it in a certain place. He put it where he wanted it and then got upset when she got frustrated. She needed the chair in a certain place so she could work on something with her sister. Instead of listening to others or paying attention, he will act like a bull in a china shop and then get mad when we get frustrated or show anything other than extreme gratitude.

Are my standards really that high?

[vortex of confusion]

I have been sick for the last week or two. I have tried to get my husband to step up and help more. I have had a horrible rash and have been afraid to touch anything and have been showering and keeping a lot of ointment on it. As a result, we have had a lot of extra laundry. I have tried to keep up with it. Anyway, he had a three day weekend. On Saturday, he said he would do laundry while I was at work on Sunday. On Sunday, he said he would do laundry on Monday. I had to work Monday night and we were running low on towels and our daughter's bed sheets needed washed as she had wet the bed. As the day progressed, I tried not to say anything but I was slowly getting frustrated. I went and put the load in the dryer and started another load on my own. He found out and got irritated with me and said, "I said I was going to do it." The previous day, our daughter was upset because we hadn't washed her favorite sheets. She is 5 and he got mad at her and said, "You didn't tell me they needed washed."

Somewhere in there, he and I got into a bit of back and forth. He yelled at me and said, "I am sorry that I can't live up to your standards." Are my standards really too high? All I wanted was to make sure that I would have enough towels to shower before work. And then, when I get home last night he tells me, the laundry is all caught up except for what is in the baskets. I didn't say anything other than "Okay" because the bulk of our laundry comes from the very baskets that were full that he did not wash. He said that we were caught up because he washed HIS work clothes.

It infuriates me when he acts like my standards are unreasonable. I will ask him to do things and he won't do them or will put them off. Instead of nagging him, I will do it myself. I feel like it is a no win situation where he will get mad if I remind him and he will get mad if I do it myself. There have been times when he has asked for my help with something and then when I give it to him he gets mad.

And he will get into fights with the kids and then act like he is the victim. Just yesterday, I woke up to him fighting with the kids. One of them needed help moving a chair. She tried to ask him to put it in a certain place. He put it where he wanted it and then got upset when she got frustrated. She needed the chair in a certain place so she could work on something with her sister. Instead of listening to others or paying attention, he will act like a bull in a china shop and then get mad when we get frustrated or show anything other than extreme gratitude.

Are my standards really that high?

[Aussie0zborn]

I'm not sure you're actually taking about standards here so I can't comment on your standards as such. Are your expectations that he will do what he says and deal with the matter in hand unreasonable? The answer is no.

He doesn't seem to understand that wet sheets need to be dealt with immediately. It's not something that can wait until tomorrow or the next day. This has nothing to do with your standards or expectations - this is just the reality of the situation.

It's easy to suggest that your standards are way too high in order to get out of doing something but the reality is that he is not seeing the necessity of doing chores properly and in the right sequence.  I think this is what you might need to impress upon him.

[vortex of confusion]

I feel like I have tried to impress the whole grown ups have things that they need to do in order to keep things going a whole lot of times. At one point, I told him that I didn't feel like I needed to praise him for doing things that are part of maintaining a house/being a parent.

I wasn't thinking of things in terms of standards either. I was thinking that stuff needs to get done. Laundry, dishes, and stuff like that are things that can't really be put off until one feels like doing it. Sometimes, I need to do things no matter how sick I am or how much I don't feel like doing it. He was the one that yelled at me for getting upset because I wanted/needed help with doing some very basic things that are part of being a parent. I don't know why he yelled at me and said that he was sorry he couldn't live up to my standards. I feel like my standards/expectations/whatever you want to call it are extremely low. As I try to set boundaries and ask him to be a part of the household, I feel like there is a lot of flack from him. If I let him do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, then everything seems to be fine. Problems arise when I start asking/demanding that he be a contributing member of the house rather than somebody that brings home a paycheck and that is it.

[Gimme Peace]

As I try to set boundaries and ask him to be a part of the household, I feel like there is a lot of flack from him. If I let him do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, then everything seems to be fine. Problems arise when I start asking/demanding that he be a contributing member of the house rather than somebody that brings home a paycheck and that is it.

Your expectations are NOT unreasonable. It sounds like he also has NPD/narcissistic traits as well. I can totally relate. My pwBPD almost never helps around the house and acts like it's a huge burden to ask him to do anything. He actually told me the only way he'll help is if he "gets enough leisure time first, then if he has energy left, then he'll help with the house". We (nons) often let things fly... .i.e. "let them have their way" because if we say anything they explode or become a victim. They turn simple responsibilities into major drama so we overcompensate and do everything ourselves. It's just not possible to keep that up and frustration is a result. It's like having another child in the house to take care and it feels absurd.

You have every right to feel the way you do and I relate and feel for you.

[vortex of confusion]

Mine will obsess over things too. It drives me crazy. He is responsible for getting the oil changes done for the cars. His car is currently overdue. Now that we got paid, he has been talking about scheduling a car appointment. Every day since pay day, he has been fretting over whether to make the car appointment for Friday or Saturday. I told him, "I don't care which day you make it for as long as it gets done. Make the damn appointment and we will work around whatever they have available." I absolutely hate the way he obsesses over the smallest things. He will talk about doing something for weeks but who knows when he will actually get around to doing it. He has been talking about mowing the lawn for weeks now. It still hasn't been done yet he has been obsessing over mowing the yard.

I need to get out and get some stuff for an upcoming wedding of a family member. I was going to go last week but I wasn't feeling well and he started freaking out because there was supposed to be bad weather. I said forget it and stayed home. Now, he is all worried about me going out and him still being able to mow and do what he needs to do. I have figured out that a lot of times I don't do stuff because he will obsess over how we are going to get everything done and never actually do anything. He will spend more time talking about doing the laundry than he will actually doing the laundry. It is like he talks about it and obsesses about it so he can get out of actually doing anything.

I was talking about him to a friend one time and my friend accused me of trying to change my husband. My friend told me, "Oh, he just needs you to take care of him." I got mad because I don't really want my husband to change who he is. I have never asked him to try to be anybody else to suit me. I feel like the only thing that I have asked him to do is help more so that I don't feel like a single parent that is caring for 5 kids (our 4 girls and him).

[MissyM]

A

s I try to set boundaries and ask him to be a part of the household, I feel like there is a lot of flack from him. If I let him do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, then everything seems to be fine. Problems arise when I start asking/demanding that he be a contributing member of the house rather than somebody that brings home a paycheck and that is it.

This is always something that has been a struggle with my dBPDh.  Part of recovery for him has been to try and get  outside of himself and help around the house more.  He still gets upset when I ask because he doesn't like that, the problem is he only helps when he feels like it and that doesn't always correlate to when I need help.   At this point, I just ask nicely and ignore the grumblings and attitude.  I walk away and let him deal with that.  It seems to be working a little better.  Where I can get into a problem is getting upset about him not wanting to do it or being upset.  I have to let him have his feelings, they really aren't about me.

[vortex of confusion]

This is always something that has been a struggle with my dBPDh.  Part of recovery for him has been to try and get  outside of himself and help around the house more.  He still gets upset when I ask because he doesn't like that, the problem is he only helps when he feels like it and that doesn't always correlate to when I need help.   At this point, I just ask nicely and ignore the grumblings and attitude.  I walk away and let him deal with that.  It seems to be working a little better. 

Mine doesn't mind me asking. He will sit there and tell me that he will do it or he will say, "Oh yeah, just a minute, just let me finish this (usually gaming or reading)" and will then proceed to forget. Or, he will sit there and talk about needing to do it. He talked about doing the laundry for two or three days before he ever did a single thing. He tends to get mad and grumpy when I do it myself after he hasn't done it or if I remind him. I have been overlooking his "grumpiness" for years. His mother loves to say, "Oh, he is just like his dad. He is just grumpy and you have to learn to live with it." I have gotten that for almost the entire 16/17 years that we have been together.

Where I can get into a problem is getting upset about him not wanting to do it or being upset.  I have to let him have his feelings, they really aren't about me.

Here is where I want to jump up and down and say, "Okay fine, he can have his feelings but I want to be able to have my feelings too!" I know I am being whiny and am not in the best place. I have been sick for the last two weeks and he is really getting on my nerves because I am trying to be nice and trying to keep things together but it seems like I am getting little to no help from him. The main things that I am trying to keep up with are dishes and laundry. I can let most other stuff slide. He can't/won't do dishes and he seems to think that laundry can just wait until the weekends. Yeah, it can wait until the weekends for him because I usually try to do a load a day just to stay on top of things since there are 6 people that live in this house.

[MissyM]

I know I am being whiny and am not in the best place. I have been sick for the last two weeks and he is really getting on my nerves because I am trying to be nice and trying to keep things together but it seems like I am getting little to no help from him. The main things that I am trying to keep up with are dishes and laundry.

Oh, being sick is the worst.  It seems to make my dBPDh worse and I am at my worst.  I have tried, "if you don't have time to do this now then I am going to call and have a maid service come and do it".  The hard part is saying it without getting angry, just a kind of a "oh, well this is just  how it is" and not a "dang it if you weren't so incompetent I wouldn't have to do this" kind of an attitude.  My dBPDh then manages to pull it together.  If I can keep my negative emotions in check and just propose it like it isn't that big of a deal.

[vortex of confusion]

Oh, being sick is the worst.  It seems to make my dBPDh worse and I am at my worst.  I have tried, "if you don't have time to do this now then I am going to call and have a maid service come and do it".  The hard part is saying it without getting angry, just a kind of a "oh, well this is just  how it is" and not a "dang it if you weren't so incompetent I wouldn't have to do this" kind of an attitude.  My dBPDh then manages to pull it together.  If I can keep my negative emotions in check and just propose it like it isn't that big of a deal.

Glad to know that I am not alone in this. We don't have the money to get a maid service so it all falls on me. I can only let things go for so long before it gets to a point where I must do something. Otherwise there will be no towels and no dishes to eat on. There was a period of time when I would just buy paper plates and styrofoam bowels because I could keep up with it all on my own. I have moved away from that because of the cost and trash factor. I feel like I am the queen of simplifying things and finding work arounds to keep things functioning. When I am sick or feeling really down, it is very difficult for me to keep my attitude in check. I so badly want to say, "If you would act like a friggin' grown up and step up to help, my life would be so much easier."

Oh, and this is the most confusing part for me. When I am sick, he seems to relish in it. He will give me lots of attention and act like he is taking care of me. I don't want his attention. I want him to help around the house so that I can rest without worrying about paying bills, doing dishes, laundry, and all of the other little stuff that needs to be done in the course of a day. His perspective is so unbelievably skewed. From his side, he thinks it has been great because he gets to take care of me and the kids. The reality is that the kids are frustrated. They are coming to him for things because they have to, not because they want to. The older girls have been stepping up and helping the younger ones with stuff so that I can rest. His idea of putting the kids to bed is sitting in their room and reading HIS books or falling asleep. I don't know how many times he has tried to put the kids to bed only for them to wait for him to fall asleep and then come and get me.

Last night, I sat with the little ones until they fell asleep. They will be almost asleep and he will come in and start talking. Last night, I got mad and told him, "You need to shut up or get out." How difficult is it to sit quietly while the kids fall asleep? It irritates me because our oldest loves to have somebody come in and talk to her at the end of the day. She will give me a progress report on what she is learning and what she has done in the course of a day. Last night, I told him that he should go talk to her and tell her goodnight. He poked his head in and said good night and that was it. After I got the younger ones to bed, I went in and did my nightly thing with her. He sits on the periphery of things and thinks he is doing so great and wonderful. If I try to give any kind of input or feedback, then I am being mean or critical or my standards are too high. Our kids want a dad. They want somebody that is going to act genuinely interested in listening to them.

[MissyM]

 

Our kids want a dad. They want somebody that is going to act genuinely interested in listening to them.

I hear that!  It takes 2-5 years of intensive work for there to be recovery.  That has been drilled into my head, my CSAT says in our case it will probably be 7 years because of the multiple issues my dBPDh has.  Things are better than they were, my dBPDh is getting better with the children.  I understand from my own experience and hear this same experience from other people in COSA.  It is very common among SAs, they are children themselves and have no idea how to parent.  When I see the parents my dBPDh was raised by, it really shouldn't be surprising.  These people shouldn't even been allowed to have pets, much less children.  Someone can't give what they didn't get, until they learn a new way.  Good thing is that your kids have you!  I keep being told over and over, that it only takes one healthy parent to insure that our children turn out o.k.