SD doesn't want to see mom... angry with dad for not taking sides

[SeaSprite]

I joined BPD family for help with my d16 (I've been away for awhile, we are in the eye of the storm for the moment)  and now could really use some advice for helping my sd17. Her mother has many BPD symptoms (which led to the divorce, she ran off with her best friend's husband and blames my dh for... .pretty much everything). But on the whole, she's been a caring, attentive mom. Her biggest problem is that she takes conflict with her children on as personal rejection, she makes them responsible for her feelings.

Lately her youngest, sd17, has been in conflict with her. This is a kid who has always been "the easy one" and has been really close to her mother. Now sd17 is staying with us, and saying she doesn't want to see her mom. She has a list of accusations against her mother (typical teen exaggerations). She is in counseling, and she's gone to another counselor with her mom for mediation.

After the most recent dust-up she became furious at dh because he didn't jump on the mom-is-the-worst bandwagon. She told a school counselor she was suicidal, and sd17 and dh spent the day at the ER for a suicide eval.

So here is my question: Any suggestions for how dh can validate sd's feelings without taking sides against mom? He does want to support mom and her time with sd, and honor the parenting plan. She is super sensitive on this topic. Ok, she's super sensitive on any personal topic.   (I just realized that "she" is ambiguous. I meant sd is super sensitive, but it applies to mom as well.)

[ForeverDad]

Well, she's less than a year from being the age of an adult so it's very unlikely court will force her to go back to her mother on scheduled time.  And I doubt whether dad ought to make her go, if that is an issue.

But it is well within his right to set a boundary that he won't speak ill of the... .ex.  Yes he should validate her observations, if there is merit to her complaints then it's good to validate that reality.  And he needs to be careful how he depicts his ex, even if she did feed and clothe their daughter, it's not his place to say "but she loves you", that could even be invalidating.  But he can still declare his boundary that he won't join in on bashing, venting or whatever.

How is she doing with her adjustment into a young woman?  As she is approaching adulthood, does she have a good grasp on knowing right from wrong, is she relatively stable in how she views and observes?  For example, my ex and her sister grew up with a waiflike uBPD mother and a controlling abuser uNPD.  Her sister was unable to make her own observations and stick by them.  She fluttered whichever way the prevailing wind blew, so to speak.  Even when grown, when we would come visit for a day, she would tell us all how wrong we were, then by the end of the visit she would be agreeing her parents had issues, etc.  Well, next visit she's be right back to blaming us again.  She didn't have a solid foundation to anchor her observations.  So, does SD17 have solid foundation, sense of self-worth, stability on which to set and validate her perceptions, observations and judgments?

[clljhns]

Hi SeaSprite,

This is a tricky position for you and dh. What has the counselor suggested? Has there been a diagnosis of sd17? I do agree that dad needs to support d17, but what exactly is it that d17 needs to hear? I think this would be a question for the therapist to pursue. Are you and dh also in counseling to help sort out the issues surrounding the sd17?

Wishing you all the best.

Peace and blessings.