DS7 - Ugh

[raytamtay3]

Yesterday we received an email from DS's 2nd grade teacher stating that was being disruptive by calling out when student and teacher were talking, making noises and not completing work. She said she gave him 3 verbal warnings before writing him up.  Now today we get a call that he was being distruptive while the class was taking a test by making loud noises and banging his pencil. My son doesn't do this stuff to be bad. He does it to try and be funny. Class clown if you will. But irregardless, this is unacceptable and both he and my ex have talked to him about it.

Here's the problem. I purchased tickets to go to a Halloween event that is tradition. My sister, he s/o, my niece, nephew, DH and DS7 are all suppose to go. But I think I should punish son and not allow him to go. Thoughts? He's been looking forward to this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello raytam.

I really wouldn't stop him from attending this event. The punishment is too distant from the behavior of shouting out in school and I think that all he will remember is missing out on something that he was looking forward to and will become more angry.

Firstly this behavior is occurring in school and I think that it is up to the teacher to have a strategy of rewards and punishments-not to expect you to punish him at home. Did you ask how they manage it?

Secondly the rewards and punishments need to be fairly immediate and proportionate. Have they thought of doing a home-school diary so that you can see how each individual day has gone and praise or stop something he likes such as computer or TV that day.

If it just turns into a list of bad behavior with nothing positive to report I would suggest that the teacher isn't doing a good job in encouraging good behaviour.

I understand that you are worried about him becoming difficult to control in the future but he is just a little boy and needs to feel your support.

Don't let the teachers make his behavior in class your problem-just deal with what you actually see at home.

I'm just concerned here that you might get into a negative cycle where he feels unfairly punished without really understanding why and then starts to misbehave more.

[tinkerbellsmom]

I always tried to make things as normal as possible for my other kids too.  It is a punishment to them as well not to have their brother with them.  Also, family traditions are not based on merit.  That is part of unconditional love, at least that is the way I see it.  Choose something that is not a family tradition to take away.  I do think it is important that they see that their family is there for them even when they are bad. 

It's so hard to balance.  I can't talk because I don't think I was very good at it myself and now my kids don't really get along as adults.  My BPD daughter is kind of the outcast of the family, because, quite frankly she got all the attention because of her illness and the three "good" kids got minimal attention.  It is a big problem and I don't know what to tell you really.

[pessim-optimist]

this is unacceptable and both he and my ex have talked to him about it.

Your son knows it's unacceptable, and he is doing it anyway. Talking will most likely not stop the behavior... .

It seems like your son is crying out for attention. It is the teacher's job to find creative ways to keep your son engaged and to redirect his energy in more positive ways in the classroom.

In cooperation with the teacher, you might want to find strategies to teach your son to respect boundaries, to develop a better control of his own behaviors, and learning how to get his needs met in more appropriate ways.

Training takes a lot of effort, but it is time well invested.

Can you reward your son with positive attention when appropriate while setting up more structure and natural consequences to encourage/teach him more self-control?

[tristesse]

I agree with everybody else, you should not take away the family tradition. and it is the teachers job to re-direct etc... However, I do believe there is something that needs to be done at home as well. I think somebody else mentioned respecting boundaries, I would start with that. Obviously he knows he is doing something wrong, but has anybody discovered why he's doing it? Is something bothering him? Is he being bullied, is he feeling stressed out about something? Young children often have a hard time expressing how they feel or explaining their behaviors and emotions because they are confused by them too. For example, they just know they are angry, so they may yell and throw a fit, but they are so overwhelmed with the emotion that they can't control it, and they certainly can't explain it, so it is now up to the adult to calm said child down, give comfort and understanding, and try to figure out the why and the what etc.

I think DS is crying out for attention also, I think he feels a need to be noticed and he will take the attention in any form it comes . My oldest GS, who is now 14, went through some similar issues, he too was trying to be the class clown, acting out and thinking it was all just funny. He was in trouble at school almost daily, his grades even started to decline. His issue was that his parents were not together and he was living with my UBPDD his, sister and his SD, he was miserable and unhappy, he felt far more comfortable in his bio DADs home, with SM and those siblings. Tough choice for my DD to make, but once it was discovered that this was the issue, he was allowed to move in with them. His grades were improved to all A'S and his behavior improved as well.

I know you have your hands full with BPDd and now this. But there is hope and solutions. Hang in there my friend, and we are always here to listen.

[raytamtay3]

I discussed the situation with my DH who agreed that it would be much more impactful to take the priviledge of going to the event away. So we did. But he has a chance to earn it back. I told him if he can behave himself in school from today until next Wednesday, we will go.  But after reading all of your opinions, I feel like crap for not letting him go.

When I asked him why he was misbehaving in school, he told me that his classmates were telling him to. I do not believe that at all. 

[lever.]

I don't think it will be easy to change it back now Raytam-and its important to be consistent.

In future I would try to keep the reward or punishment to the same day and keep punishment to to something smaller-like missing a favorite TV programme-something he will care about but not too much.

It will be difficult for him not to slip up at all for a week.

If it was a behavior I could monitor at home I would suggest giving him points for getting it right and ask for a certain no of points for him to go-to give him a chance.

The difficulty with a behavior in school is that you can't monitor it and are relying on teacher report.

I would have a chat with them again and ask how they are handling it and how they think you can support them.

I know we want to support teaching staff but behavior in school is really their issue to deal with.

Be careful that he isn't being punished twice.

I think he needs a lot of praise and, so that he WANTS to please you.

I have read your other posts about how challenging your DD can be-so I really understand your desire to establish control now-but be careful of making him resentful

I used to make the mistake of backing down though when I thought I had chosen an over-severe consequence-and that proved to be a mistake.

I think that once you have said it you have to go with it.

Also it may help to be specific about the one behavior you want to target eg if you can stop shouting out in class -put your hand up and use a quiet voice rather than "be good in school"... I learned a lot of this on a course re parenting under 9s

[raytamtay3]

I don't think it will be easy to change it back now Raytam-and its important to be consistent.

In future I would try to keep the reward or punishment to the same day and keep punishment

The punishment was the same day that we received the second call about misbehaving at school.

[lever.]

What I was trying to say raytam is that the punishment works best if it is something that occurs on the same day rather than in the future.eg missinga TV or computer game that evening-I think younger children sometimes forget the link if its some time ahead.