Signs of infidelity

[guy4caligirl]

Do all BPD cheat? How can you tell if you don't catch them ?

[tealduck]

Follow your gut feeling, I never thought she would, but we broke up for two weeks, she slept with someone else, that she has known for a while.  Was the first time? she says so, but with all the convenient break ups who knows.  So just follow your gut, you will know, you may not want to hear it, or believe it, but they will not come out and tell you, until they are ready to move on, and then they still may  not want to let you go.

[willtimeheal]

I can only tell you that mine cheated repeatedly. Always had a back up ready to go. How do you know?  Trust your gut... .It is never wrong. If you feel that something is not right it probably isn't. Trust your gut!

[borderdude]

when you are treated like an option ... .

[Lucky One]

Do all BPD cheat? How can you tell if you don't catch them ?

Sorry - I CANNOT agree, with the 'Trust Your Gut" feeling. Even NOT the , "if you feel something is wrong, there probably is".

There might be something wrong, Yes, but it may not be cheating. Could be something else.

These pwPD's are genuinely not well mentally. But that doesn't mean they are all cheat's.

Personally, I'd need substantial proof, or substantial confirmation from a very reliable, absolutely trustworthy source, that cheating was going on. And, then I'd have to try to confirm it myself, from the information received.



I certainly DO NOT think all pwBPD cheat. This is a major "Generalisation" comment.

In other words, a type of "warped thinking".

And it's certainly not true, of all BPD. Some yes. But not all.

Normal people cheat as well. But, that's NOT every normal person. Only some. The same "proving principle" would apply to them as well.

Why do you want to know?

[Irish rebel]

I'd agree we can't generalize... .every person is still unique and different... .

For me we were together a long time while things were actually winding down. Then one day suddenly I was told it was all over, and was actually quite relieved in many ways, because there was so much pressure.

But, predictably, I began to realize it was suddenly over almost overnight as there was someone else involved. Not gonna try hide it, but it was very strange to hear! Not nice to hear... .

Now that's already all over and I get all the calls and cries for help once again. And it's very hard to resist. And those are some of the reasons why we're all on these boards!

[Irish rebel]

Sorry... .meant to add... .

My ex doesn't feel it was cheating as she'd ended things for us virtually overnight... .the black and white thinking... .! And that is already over too... .

It's head wrecking... .!

[guy4caligirl]

Do all BPD cheat? How can you tell if you don't catch them ?

Sorry - I CANNOT agree, with the 'Trust Your Gut" feeling. Even NOT the , "if you feel something is wrong, there probably is".

There might be something wrong, Yes, but it may not be cheating. Could be something else.

I agree with you Lucky one 1

I read so often that BPD cheats , I never had doubted my ex but I started believing from what I read on here , and wanted to clear this topic to myself and other members .

I see a lot of similarity in this disorder but every case is different than other, some behavior like panting you black and throw a fit for nothing cause you mentioned some girl's name I can see that.


These pwPD's are genuinely not well mentally. But that doesn't mean they are all cheat's.

Personally, I'd need substantial proof, or substantial confirmation from a very reliable, absolutely trustworthy source, that cheating was going on. And, then I'd have to try to confirm it myself, from the information received.



I certainly DO NOT think all pwBPD cheat. This is a major "Generalisation" comment.

In other words, a type of "warped thinking".

And it's certainly not true, of all BPD. Some yes. But not all.

Normal people cheat as well. But, that's NOT every normal person. Only some. The same "proving principle" would apply to them as well.

Why do you want to know?

[Lucky One]

I'd agree we can't generalize... .every person is still unique and different... .

For me we were together a long time while things were actually winding down. Then one day suddenly I was told it was all over, and was actually quite relieved in many ways, because there was so much pressure.

But, predictably, I began to realize it was suddenly over almost overnight as there was someone else involved. Not gonna try hide it, but it was very strange to hear! Not nice to hear... .

Now that's already all over and I get all the calls and cries for help once again. And it's very hard to resist. And those are some of the reasons why we're all on these boards!

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Must be very difficult for you...

I've been 38 years in my relationship, 32 years married. And now - problems.

You're right - that's why we are here, learning what we can, to help OURSELVES

One of the things that helped me quite a lot was the article / discussion on Co - Dependency.

Have you done it.

If Not, Type - BPD & Co-dependency in the search block above, and

then click on the first one or two items that appear.

Read as much as you can, especially what other members have to say at the end of the article - DISCUSSION.

Can You see yourself in this?

Best wishes.

[Waddams]

Studies I've seen suggest that 80%+ of the time if you suspect cheating, you turn out to be right.

uPDxw cheated on me.  One affair partner that I found ironclad proof.  I believe there were others.

Signs they are cheating can be very confusing.  There's the usual suddenly changing their appearance, or suddenly dressing up more, buying new sexy underwear, etc.  Then there's the being out of touch for a bit, coming home and heading straight for the shower, suddenly getting very weird about their cell phones (taking it to the bathroom, etc.).  Changing their habits about email.  Basically a change in habits that makes it harder for you to check up on them.  They are trying to create security so they won't get caught.

You might ask them what they were doing last night, etc. and suddenly get a guilt trip about how dare you check up on them and hwo come you don't trust them and all you were doing was trying to catch up.  And those reactions didn't happen before, they were happy to tell you what they had going on.  They are changing reactions because they don't want you to know what they have going on, so they either try to guilt or scare you into not trying to find out anymore.

Sex life changes happen.  And it can go either way, it can drop way off from what it had been, or it can even ramp up.

They can have guilty conscious reactions and suddenly show up with gifts for no reason for you.  Or they can twist things in their mind into how you are so awful to justify cheating on you, and they end up treating you like dirt.

But the signs are always some kind of sudden change in their behavior, demeanor, and level of transparency/trust towards you.  And also mostly accompanied by some kind of attempt to gas light you into thinking you are wrong for questioning what's going on with them.

From what I've seen, the PD type cheaters usually lean towards the blaming/projection/bad treatment towards the partners they are cheating on, instead of a more guilty conscious that tries to "make up" for it in their own minds by extra gifts, attention, etc.  They justify their misconduct by figuring a way in their minds to blame you for something, or a bunch of things, and basically the cheating becomes one of their ways of punishing you.  You're so awful you deserve to be cheated on and abused in their minds.

[Lucky One]

Studies I've seen suggest that 80%+ of the time if you suspect cheating, you turn out to be right.

Which studies are these?

We are talking about pwBPD and cheating specifically - NOT in general.

Is it possible to give us the link to them.

I'd like to check them out myself, in detail.



Many thanks

[guy4caligirl]

I'd agree we can't generalize... .every person is still unique and different... .

For me we were together a long time while things were actually winding down. Then one day suddenly I was told it was all over, and was actually quite relieved in many ways, because there was so much pressure.

But, predictably, I began to realize it was suddenly over almost overnight as there was someone else involved. Not gonna try hide it, but it was very strange to hear! Not nice to hear... .

Now that's already all over and I get all the calls and cries for help once again. And it's very hard to resist. And those are some of the reasons why we're all on these boards!

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Must be very difficult for you...

I've been 38 years in my relationship, 32 years married. And now - problems.

You're right - that's why we are here, learning what we can, to help OURSELVES

One of the things that helped me quite a lot was the article / discussion on Co - Dependency.

Have you done it.

If Not, Type - BPD & Co-dependency in the search block above, and

then click on the first one or two items that appear.

Read as much as you can, especially what other members have to say at the end of the article - DISCUSSION.

Can You see yourself in this?

Best wishes.


OH big Yes

Amazing described me to the t  ... .I can tell you I went back in my childhood days , I was a care taker of my agonizing father I spent the 2 years taking care of him at the age of 15 and 16 , and he died .

I think I should work on getting out of this Co-Dependency now that I see what I did during the 5 years relation with my ex BPD female , I think we nons need to rethink our role here !

they aren't the only ones responsible we ARE TOO and BIG time .

Since there are a lot of help to get out of this co -dependency , I am going to eat all up !

I am texting my ex who is been gone for 3 month staying with couple of friends ,out of state ,it looks to me she is coming out of this blame/victim thing , I am taking baby steps and not asking her to come back and I read between the lines that she is thinking about what she missed NO idea Love , Security, fear of the unknown I don't mind all that stuff , I feel I had my part in the unhealthy relation and the only way is I am succeeding like everyone say on here find and work on yourself .

So far I am way ahead in my study , I can really see the light of why and what is it I was in that mess for 5 years because I was half of that mess

Thank LUCKY ONE !

PS keep throwing articles to read my way and hope everyone's way !

[Irish rebel]

I'd agree we can't generalize... .every person is still unique and different... .

For me we were together a long time while things were actually winding down. Then one day suddenly I was told it was all over, and was actually quite relieved in many ways, because there was so much pressure.

But, predictably, I began to realize it was suddenly over almost overnight as there was someone else involved. Not gonna try hide it, but it was very strange to hear! Not nice to hear... .

Now that's already all over and I get all the calls and cries for help once again. And it's very hard to resist. And those are some of the reasons why we're all on these boards!

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Must be very difficult for you...

I've been 38 years in my relationship, 32 years married. And now - problems.

You're right - that's why we are here, learning what we can, to help OURSELVES

One of the things that helped me quite a lot was the article / discussion on Co - Dependency.

Have you done it.

If Not, Type - BPD & Co-dependency in the search block above, and

then click on the first one or two items that appear.

Read as much as you can, especially what other members have to say at the end of the article - DISCUSSION.

Can You see yourself in this?

Best wishes.

Thank you for posting this, will take some time to study it carefully. What are the odds that you're pretty much on the mark? 

It's a big help to a good few of us on here, it's clear... .

Sorry to hear of your own challenges too... .my own link up was 9 years of virtual marriage, so it's hard to comprehend how difficult nearly 4 decades together must now be where difficulties arise... .

Thankfully we can all help each other then in some small way, some more than others!

[Irish rebel]

OH big Yes

Amazing described me to the t  ... .I can tell you I went back in my childhood days , I was a care taker of my agonizing father I spent the 2 years taking care of him at the age of 15 and 16 , and he died .

I think I should work on getting out of this Co-Dependency now that I see what I did during the 5 years relation with my ex BPD female , I think we nons need to rethink our role here !

they aren't the only ones responsible we ARE TOO and BIG time .

Since there are a lot of help to get out of this co -dependency , I am going to eat all up !

I am texting my ex who is been gone for 3 month staying with couple of friends ,out of state ,it looks to me she is coming out of this blame/victim thing , I am taking baby steps and not asking her to come back and I read between the lines that she is thinking about what she missed NO idea Love , Security, fear of the unknown I don't mind all that stuff , I feel I had my part in the unhealthy relation and the only way is I am succeeding like everyone say on here find and work on yourself .

So far I am way ahead in my study , I can really see the light of why and what is it I was in that mess for 5 years because I was half of that mess

Thank LUCKY ONE !

PS keep throwing articles to read my way and hope everyone's way !

Glad to hear we are all able to benefit from the amazing resources available here, plus the willingness to help. Still getting the hang of the posting and the quoting, but we'll get there in time... .!

In many more ways than one it seems 

It seems most of us are carers in some way, or at least aspire to it... .

One amazing link I first stumbled on finding this site was this one:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Maybe it could be of help for yourself too? If I'm not out of line as a fellow newbie to suggest... .! 

[DazedAndConfusedinNC]

Studies I've seen suggest that 80%+ of the time if you suspect cheating, you turn out to be right.

uPDxw cheated on me.  One affair partner that I found ironclad proof.  I believe there were others.

Signs they are cheating can be very confusing.  There's the usual suddenly changing their appearance, or suddenly dressing up more, buying new sexy underwear, etc.  Then there's the being out of touch for a bit, coming home and heading straight for the shower, suddenly getting very weird about their cell phones (taking it to the bathroom, etc.).  Changing their habits about email.  Basically a change in habits that makes it harder for you to check up on them.  They are trying to create security so they won't get caught.

You might ask them what they were doing last night, etc. and suddenly get a guilt trip about how dare you check up on them and hwo come you don't trust them and all you were doing was trying to catch up.  And those reactions didn't happen before, they were happy to tell you what they had going on.  They are changing reactions because they don't want you to know what they have going on, so they either try to guilt or scare you into not trying to find out anymore.

Sex life changes happen.  And it can go either way, it can drop way off from what it had been, or it can even ramp up.

They can have guilty conscious reactions and suddenly show up with gifts for no reason for you.  Or they can twist things in their mind into how you are so awful to justify cheating on you, and they end up treating you like dirt.

But the signs are always some kind of sudden change in their behavior, demeanor, and level of transparency/trust towards you.  And also mostly accompanied by some kind of attempt to gas light you into thinking you are wrong for questioning what's going on with them.

From what I've seen, the PD type cheaters usually lean towards the blaming/projection/bad treatment towards the partners they are cheating on, instead of a more guilty conscious that tries to "make up" for it in their own minds by extra gifts, attention, etc.  They justify their misconduct by figuring a way in their minds to blame you for something, or a bunch of things, and basically the cheating becomes one of their ways of punishing you.  You're so awful you deserve to be cheated on and abused in their minds.

WOW. You just described the last couple months of our relationship. I was accused of having an affair with a coworker and accused of abuse, so I got the blaming/projection/bad treatment. Thanks for posting that.

[willtimeheal]

Studies I've seen suggest that 80%+ of the time if you suspect cheating, you turn out to be right.

Which studies are these?

We are talking about pwBPD and cheating specifically - NOT in general.

Is it possible to give us the link to them.

I'd like to check them out myself, in detail.



Many thanks

I can't talk about all BPDs, I can only talk about mine. I was cheated on repeatedly.  I was accused of cheating or being interested in others... .I was not but apparently she was. She pushed me out. I hardly heard from her and she never wanted to spend time with me and she locked her phone. At one point she was juggling three of us at once.

So I was cheated on and I knew it in my gut. I felt it. And it was the feeling of hope and not wanting to be disappointed that kept me from looking into it so I ignored my gut and stayed in that hell and got cheated on again and again until I finally trusted my gut ... .and the proof was overwhelming.

So I disagree... .if you feel something is wrong it probably is.

[MissyM]

My dBPDh cheated on me for about 1.5 years, and is a diagnosed sex addict (many sex addicts have PDs).  Recovery for partners of sex addicts concentrates on trusting your intuition.  There are red flags and signs, do not ignore them.  A famous saying is don't paint red flags white.  If they are getting funny with their phone and/or email.  If they aren't where they are supposed to be and come up with an odd sounding excuse.  If they suddenly have to travel quite a bit more.  If they become angry and defensive when asked about their whereabouts or what they are doing.  There is a lot of projection and blame onto the partner.  It isn't about being paranoid, it is about being realistic.  If this were a friend, would you be smacking him or her upside the head and saying "Come on, it is obvious they are cheating!."

[anxiety5]

Do all BPD cheat? How can you tell if you don't catch them ?

Red Flags:

-Projections: Randomly turns to you and says, "are you going to go out on a date with a girl from work?" You: Uh, what? 2 weeks later she was with a guy from her office.

-Suspicions: If she all of the sudden makes comments about you that imply you are up to something, like on your phone, etc. That means she is doing the same thing. Texting someone, etc.

-Patterns of behavior: If she picks a nonsensical fight on a Thursday and says she needs alone time on Friday. And then you talk to her and she says she's going to bed at 9pm. Go drive by her house at midnight, her car won't be there. If her moods become giddy out of nowhere and she starts using phrases you've never heard. Lingo talk. If she starts forwarding jokes, or links that you know she isn't the type to ever find, ask yourself who is sending them to her. If she changes the passcode on her phone or won't go to bed or leave the room without it by her side when previously she would do those things.

-Experiments: Tell her you are going to be gone all day and night next saturday for work retreat. or with family. If the once hyper clinger person all the sudden loves the idea that's a flag. Then cancel last minute Friday and say you aren't going anymore. If she gets mad that you aren't going, that's a huge flag. You just ruined date night for her tomorrow.

Sex - if she either withdraws or all the sudden becomes a porn start who wants to get freaky and that's highly out of character, I wouldn't even touch her because that is a dead ringer.

If you suspect them a few pointers: NEVER confront them unless you have complete 100% evidence that can not be disputed. Also, if you are on to them, never ask questions or act funny. Encourage whatever they are doing or say nothing (i.e. if she says she is going to bed at 8pm on a Friday the day after picking a fight, don't question her. Just say yeah, I know you are tired get some rest babe!) That's what I did, and caught her a couple hours later.

Devalued: If she has no real pattern of devaluation and any of the above are cormorbid with a splitting hairs type of devaluation where she's mad at you for the dumbest things all of the sudden. She is trying to get you to yell and scream at her so she can feel victimized and use that as a validation point for seeking love elsewhere.

The best advice on here is to trust your gut. I never once checked on my ex until the night I drove there and her car was gone. I was explaining a story to a friend and was hit with this sudden fear that something was not right. And I was RIGHT. I learned that night to never not trust my instincts again.

Firm boundaries to discourage this nonsense and to keep your sanity: Let her know cheating is something you will never tolerate. Also trick her. Say, do you have a good memory? Yes. What's my phone number? When she recites it say to her, if you are ever out and your phone dies that's not an excuse to not call and let me know you aren't coming home. I know you know my number because you recited it by heart the other day.

[vortex of confusion]

One of the things that a lot of people overlook when talking about infidelity is that it isn't always outright physical cheating. My husband is a sex addict. He didn't actually cheat until the last year or so and it wasn't considered cheating because we were separated/trying to have an open relationship/whatever. But, for most of the beginning of our marriage, I felt like my husband was cheating on me. I knew he wasn't having sex with other women but I knew something was very wrong and off. I later found out that he was addicted to porn and masturbation. He would choose to be with his porn and himself instead of being with me. Because it wasn't outright cheating, a lot of people would dismiss it as "boys will be boys". Guys looking at porn is normal. At least he isn't cheating. It didn't make me feel any better because he was still emotionally and sexually unavailable to me.

He would deny what he was doing but I would check the history on the computers. When he lost his job over looking at porn at work, he could no longer deny what he had been doing. And 10 or so years later when things devolved into us having an open relationship, he would completely ignore me and become an a$$hole when he was courting other women. He would tell me that he wasn't talking with anybody or that he found a friend and I would find that he was sexting with her. He pushed for the open relationship and would then lie even though we had both agreed that one of the stipulations was to be honest with each other.

[Lucky One]

Do all BPD cheat? How can you tell, if you don't catch them ?

Let's just look at the Topics Question, again. Broken down, this is what I see:

    First part of question:

1.) Do "ALL" pwBPD cheat --  Possible answer : Yes, or No, or maybe.

    Second part of question:

2.) How can you tell (if they - "ALL" pwBPD cheat) if you don't catch them (catch "ALL" pwBPD)?


Cheating on a partner - surely this has to do with ones "Moral Values" and "Standards"

If you are an immoral person (pwBPD or not) you will cheat.

If you are a person with good moral values, you more than likely won't cheat.

Personally, I DO NOT think, that ALL pwBPD are cheats. Some Yes, but NOT all.

The same applies to "ALL" nons ( normal people ). Some cheat, some don't. Depends on their moral values.

I'm really so sorry that some of us, have had to experience what it feels like to be cheated on, and lied to.


I can't but help think what someone said, some time ago, on this site:

"When you mess with trash, you end up getting dirty."



That's the reality of infidelity - very bad moral values. People (pwBPD & nons) are going to get hurt.!

[willtimeheal]

Do all BPD cheat? How can you tell, if you don't catch them ?

I'm really so sorry that some of us, have had to experience what it feels like to be cheated on, and lied to.


I can't but help think what someone said, some time ago, on this site:

"When you mess with trash, you end up getting dirty."



That's the reality of infidelity - very bad moral values. People (pwBPD & nons) are going to get hurt.!

First of all I didn't experience what it "feels" like to be cheated on and lied to. She did both to me numerous times. I didn't catch her till later but all the times my gut said she did I was right cuz she admitted to it in the end. So I didn't perceive anything. I was correct.

Second yes it comes down to moral values.  I think if you read these boards you will find people with BPD don't have moral values. They are still stuck in the me me me three year old phase. A three year old is just learning about life and creating their values. A BPD is stuck at this mentality... .they never quite develop those values.

[Lucky One]

Do all BPD cheat? How can you tell, if you don't catch them ?

That's the reality of infidelity - very bad moral values. People (pwBPD & nons) are going to get hurt.!

I think if you read these boards you will find people with BPD don't have moral values. ... .they never quite develop those values.

Ok - I understand what you are saying from your own personal experience. And I think the way you have responded to it, is most probably very similar, and most likely, how all of us would respond.

But - still - do "ALL" people with BPD have no moral values.

Maybe someone should do a Poll on this - because my answer would still be No - NOT ALL.

Do you know how to do a poll - I don't, because I'm still quite new here on BPD Family.

If you do it, I'll take part in it. Where would you put it - which Board - or is it a separate thing all together.

[vortex of confusion]

Cheating (or not) has nothing to do with moral values in my opinion just as I don't see how BPD has anything to do with morals. A person with BPD has morals, they just don't really know how to implement them consistently. There is a disconnect in their brains. My husband was a monk for several years before we ever met. He has studied religion and has a very strong background in religion and ethics/philosophy. It isn't that he doesn't have morals. It is that he lacks the ability to apply them on a consistent basis.

Saying that somebody cheats because of a lack of morals is crap in my opinion. Once upon a time, I would have completely agreed with that. Being weak or finding yourself in a situation where you can't say no or get caught up in things because of mitigating factors is not about morals. A person with a lack of impulse control isn't immoral. They are immature. Everybody has a tolerance level for certain things. Once that line has been crossed, certain things become more difficult. A person with BPD has a very low tolerance level and ends up doing all sorts of things that they usually regret or know, on some level, that it isn't right (usually in hindsight).

[Lucky One]

Cheating (or not) has nothing to do with moral values in my opinion just as I don't see how BPD has anything to do with morals.  

It isn't that he doesn't have morals. It is that he lacks the ability to apply them on a consistent basis.

A person with a lack of impulse control isn't immoral. They are immature.

A person with BPD has a very low tolerance level and ends up doing all sorts of things that they usually regret or know, on some level, that it isn't right (usually in hindsight).

Some very interesting observations. Some food for thought. Thanks for that.

But still doesn't answer the question -

Do ALL pwBPD's cheat? How would one know, if they ALL cheat?



The question isn't - What are the signs that someone with PD's is cheating

Personally, I don't think we could ever know, if every single pwPD is a cheat. Most unlikely.

To me that is "generalising" which everyone who knows something about CBT, knows is a type of skew or warped thinking.

[vortex of confusion]

Do ALL pwBPD's cheat? How would one know?

The easy answer is NO, all people with BPD do not cheat. And if they did, you would NOT necessarily know. Some people are very good at being deceptive. I have read a lot of materials about sex addiction because of my husband. There are all kinds of stories about all kinds of things. Partners are able to conceal cheating in all sorts of crazy ways and the other person has no clue. I had no clue the extent of my husband's problems with porn until after we had been married for several months.

If you want to get picky, one could ask "How do you define cheating?" If you define cheating as having sex with somebody other than your partner, then the obvious answer is no. If you want to define cheating as putting something else ahead of your partner on a consistent basis, then yes, they all cheat whether it is with a person, an idea, a game, an activity, or something else. They are selfish and incapable of considering other people's needs on a consistent basis. Even after my husband stopped the porn and cheating, he started hiding in computer games. Being ignored and treated like crap so he can play a computer game doesn't feel any better than when he was doing for other reasons. The bottom line is that I am not on his list of priorities.

[stuckgirl]

Do ALL pwBPD's cheat? How would one know?

The easy answer is NO, all people with BPD do not cheat. And if they did, you would NOT necessarily know. Some people are very good at being deceptive. I have read a lot of materials about sex addiction because of my husband. There are all kinds of stories about all kinds of things. Partners are able to conceal cheating in all sorts of crazy ways and the other person has no clue. I had no clue the extent of my husband's problems with porn until after we had been married for several months.

If you want to get picky, one could ask "How do you define cheating?" If you define cheating as having sex with somebody other than your partner, then the obvious answer is no. If you want to define cheating as putting something else ahead of your partner on a consistent basis, then yes, they all cheat whether it is with a person, an idea, a game, an activity, or something else. They are selfish and incapable of considering other people's needs on a consistent basis. Even after my husband stopped the porn and cheating, he started hiding in computer games. Being ignored and treated like crap so he can play a computer game doesn't feel any better than when he was doing for other reasons. The bottom line is that I am not on his list of priorities.

i understand completely.when he was painting me black,he needed All of my attention,every inch,he couldnt bear that i wasnt texting him and calling him.

he called me a liar and someone who should,well,die.al because my father had had a cardiac event and i was assessing the amount to which it had gone and couldnt be on the phone with him

at other times he treated me like his living room chair.

he was very opinionated about his no cheating policy always telling me he was honest,and i was a cheating ass.

i took him for him word but i definitely now agree about trusting our instincts.i saw his phone once and i remember it was really squeaky clean,no texts from females,logs filled with work related interchanges,i didnt spy on his phone,i wanted to find a message i had sent him from a web service.

however once i was visiting his house and his phone was on and near me, i'd picked it up to look at the wallpaper but immediately tried to put it to sleep because i thought he would think i was going through it,i couldnt find the 'stand by' button and told him as much,he returned to the couch almost immediately and very carefully took the phone from my hands and turned it off,all i noticed was he seemed very nervous,uneasy and robotic.

i do believe he called or texted other people,even if he might have not slept with them.

[willtimeheal]

Do ALL pwBPD's cheat? How would one know?

The easy answer is NO, all people with BPD do not cheat. And if they did, you would NOT necessarily know. Some people are very good at being deceptive. I have read a lot of materials about sex addiction because of my husband. There are all kinds of stories about all kinds of things. Partners are able to conceal cheating in all sorts of crazy ways and the other person has no clue. I had no clue the extent of my husband's problems with porn until after we had been married for several months.

If you want to get picky, one could ask "How do you define cheating?" If you define cheating as having sex with somebody other than your partner, then the obvious answer is no. If you want to define cheating as putting something else ahead of your partner on a consistent basis, then yes, they all cheat whether it is with a person, an idea, a game, an activity, or something else. They are selfish and incapable of considering other people's needs on a consistent basis. Even after my husband stopped the porn and cheating, he started hiding in computer games. Being ignored and treated like crap so he can play a computer game doesn't feel any better than when he was doing for other reasons. The bottom line is that I am not on his list of priorities.

Well put

[MissyM]

A person with a lack of impulse control isn't immoral. They are immature. Everybody has a tolerance level for certain things. Once that line has been crossed, certain things become more difficult. A person with BPD has a very low tolerance level and ends up doing all sorts of things that they usually regret or know, on some level, that it isn't right (usually in hindsight).

Exactly!

[MissyM]

And just to be clear, I used to think it was about morals too.  Considering that my husband is from an extremely religious background and thinks cheating is a sin, that really didn't help anything.  I certainly told him he was a an immoral pig when I found out.  As I have seen him recover and talk about the struggle over his previous behavior not matching his moral beliefs, I have gained a different understanding.

[Lucky One]

Follow your gut feeling, I never thought she would, but we broke up for two weeks, she slept with someone else, that she has known for a while.  Was the first time? she says so, but with all the convenient break ups who knows.  So just follow your gut, you will know, you may not want to hear it, or believe it, but they will not come out and tell you, until they are ready to move on, and then they still may  not want to let you go.

I'd like to thank you all, for being so open and frank. I think we are all learning something from each other.

So can we just cover the line in bold above:

... ." and then they still may not want to let you go". WHY? Besides being "crazy" sick.

Surely if they've already done this to us, we would have already been hurt. WHY hurt us more?