A question for men about what it means to be a man in r/s

[Randi Kreger]

Someone wrote this, and before I put it in a blog I would like your opinion on it.

Does this speak to you and do you agree or disagree? I did not write this.

WHAT MEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS AND THEIR EFFECTS ON CHILDREN

By David Pisarra, Esq.

Mike (a composite character of clients I've seen over the years) was stunned when the local sheriff served him with a restraining order.  It accused him of being an abusive husband and father, mentioning a time he tripped his wife down the basement stairs.It had actually been the other way around. He told people he hurt himself playing basketball. The police told Mike he had 20 minutes to gather his personal belongings and leave the home he had lived in for the past eight years. He was to have no contact with his daughter, son (ages six and four).  for at least the next three weeks.

Mike came to me for help desperate to see his children.“These are all lies!" he violent protested. "my wife has been the one yelling and hitting me for years.” Mike was big man who didn't look vulnerable. He had learned from his father that a responsible man took care of wife. He was ashamed of what was going on--figured his friends would make fun of him if they found out. His dad never expected the woman would be the one physically hurting the man. That was some cartoon woman with a raised frying pan. Whenever he read about domestic violence it was always about men hurting women.  

Gently I asked him, “Have you ever called the police on her?” Sheepishly he replied, “No, I can’t do that to her. She’s the mother of my kids.” Sadly, that answer will probably result in a ruling that he’s the abuser and not his spouse. That same reasoning is what keeps most men in abusive relationships.

Why Men Tolerate Verbal and Physical Abuse.

Two main reasons keep men in abusive relationships: socialization and normalization. As a divorce and child custody lawyer who specializes in men, I represent many clients who come to me and refuse to believe their wife is an abuser. When I point they're in a domestic violence situation, they consider it an insult and an affront to their manhood and masculinity--which is precisely what has been happening to them in their abusive relationship. The worst way to attack a man is to call him weak.

What It Means to be a "Man" in Our Society

The socialization of boys begins early. In our culture (and many others) to be a real man means being strong, silent, to “take disappointment like a man,” to never hit a Lady, and to play the role of the Prince Charming on the white horse. Our culture reveres the Prince/Princess dynamic. We reinforce that myth by idolizing professional athletes and soldiers who are the supposed pinnacle of masculinity. That's one reasons why the macho culture is so hard to change. Today’s ‘fair maiden’ is the cheerleader on the sidelines.We teach boys that a man never cries. He is to be chivalrous in all circumstances. It is precisely this, which in unhealthy relationships, is the controlling factor. The character of a gentleman is one who takes care of and provides for his mate, who in turn reflects that same level of respect and love. However, in unhealthy relationships the man is controlled with a mixture of abusive behaviors which are normalized on the one hand, and minimized on the other with the return to the “manliness” argument.A woman with a borderline personality is generally described as being attractive and charming. They  begin most relationships by acting coquettishly--they’re flirty and sexual, playful and coy. The man acts his part. He opens doors, dinner, and kills spiders. By the time he's in high school he's lost his ability to talk about his feelings--or even recognize them sometimes. They lay a foundational dynamic of he’s strong, she’s weak. And while this is true on the physical plane, the roles are reversed on the emotional plane. These men don't know they don't know how to deal with their emotions. They rarely are aware of them, let alone have the the vocabulary to describe them. Women, on the other hand, have many words and a great deal of experience with their emotional states. So the first time she starts in with the emotional abuse, he has no idea it is happening. It starts off simply enough:, he’s late and doesn’t call, so he becomes ‘inconsiderate’ and untrustworthy. That escalates into a constant stream of “where are yous?” and he starts to be anxious and stifled. But has no words yet to describe it--just vague feelings that he doesn’t know how to handle. The first time he questions why she has to know where he is all the time he’s met with the “if you loved me’s” and “everyone knows…” He does love her, so he thinks he’s wrong and she’s right; he must accept that this is what a relationship means. That’s the normalization men go through. They start to isolate themselves from their friends and family because the focus is supposed to be on the Princess for all things-- or at least, how he thinks and she wants. Because the woman with borderline disorder must be the focus at all times. How can he fix her? How does he convince her she needs help? How does he make it like it was before?The verbal abuse will be tempered with a mixture of ,“I can’t live without you’s” which will confuse the man. In his confusion, he will revert to what he thinks he knows he should be doing – playing the part of the Prince Charming, sacrificing himself for the ‘fair maiden’ to do her bidding. Whatever she wants, she gets. Eventually, he won't be able to satisfy her and in some cases she will project her self-hatred: first in verbal and emotional and then in some cases it will escalate into physical domestic violence (which he will also not recognize as such).

The first time she slaps him, he shrugs it off. After all, it’s just a slap, it didn’t really hurt him. Yes, it stung a bit, but he’s man, he can take it. If he complains, she will say to him, “What kind of man are you that you can’t take a slap from a woman?” He will not ask “Should he have to take a slap?”at all. It will be assumed that he should have to, at least by her. This is the precursor behavior that will eventually lead to him reacting, and then he will be called a wife-beater and punished for his misbehavior. If he says she made him angry, she, her friends, the police, the psychotherapist he will be forced to see, his anger management counselor, his lawyer, her lawyer and the judge will all tell him, “you can’t blame the victim.” Now mind you, she’s the victim because he can’t be a victim, because to be a victim is to be less than a man. So what do we tell a man to get him to see his role in this tragedy? We start by helping him to see he’s been told a lie. That as a man you should not “have to” take a hit from a woman. That it is abuse. It abuses the Princess/Prince dynamic which is based on mutual respect and if she doesn’t respect you, she’s not a Princess. The statement that you don’t hit a Lady, is certainly true, but a Lady never hits a man Gentleman either.Borderlines take the special status accorded to a Lady and misappropriate it for their own ends, they use the code of Chivalry not as a protection to the dangers of men, but as a defense for their own bad actions. It is the relationship equivalent of “Do as I say, not as I do.” They use it so they can abuse a man, but if he goes to defend himself, they claim the status of “a Lady” and what kind of weak man would hit a woman? “You must be a loser if you can’t take the abuse I dish out.”So what does this tolerance of abuse by men teach their children? Many inappropriate messages; firstly that a woman can abuse a man, that the definition of a man is one who takes abuse from others and does not stand up for himself. Additionally that as a young man he is powerless over females who are allowed to emotionally and physically abuse him at will, and he can’t do anything about it. It creates a culture of fear and anxiety in the home and in the mind of the child that leads to a future of anxiety at a minimum and probably a PTSD diagnosis. It leads to that child making similar bad choices in their romantic life as they recreate the psychic home life, thus ensuring that the child will be re-victimized by their future spouse.These are the reasons why Mike needed to stand up to the abusive behavior of his wife at the earliest possible moment and to put a stop to it by getting the assistance of the police, the courts and mental health professionals. Mike needs to know that he is setting an example of a good man for his children, when he does not tolerate abusive behavior towards himself or others. Mike is a Prince when he defends the welfare of his children, who are princesses and princes in their own right. Being a man no longer means tolerating abuse, today it means setting boundaries in relationships to respect individual self-worth. As a society we have to empower men to stop domestic violence and abuse, it’s the only way to stop the cycle of violence and protect the children.    

*Mike is a composite character of the many men that I represented over the past 15 years.

David Pisarra is a Father’s Rights attorney in Los Angeles, CA. His website is www.MensFamilyLaw.com. You can listen to his podcast, Men’s Family Law on iTunes and Stitcher.

[yeeter]

I think there are some pieces left out. 

Abuse doesnt always escalate to physical violence.  None the less destructive.

Simply stating we must empower men to stand up to the abuse, is not particularly practical advice.  There are no support systems in place for it.  Certainly not in the courts (where standing up to the abuse could mean loss of interaction with your children - the very ones you are stating you need to protect/serve).  Along with considerable financial burden.

Then there is inconsistent information on incident rates (female abuse is grossly under reported).  So not a visible enough issue to spend energy/resources on.

So there are some good reasons why men dont report it more - or dont stand up to it more.  Fear I suppose.  But a fear grounded in reality.

Too much emphasis on 'socialization' type of reasoning on why men put up with it (chivalry, macho, et al) does it a disservice by inferring character flaws.  Its almost like 'its your own fault because you bought into the outdated views of male behavior'.  Not at all the case.  Its about basic human motivation, of which I like this model:

Attempt > Success   (to motivate me to attempt something, I have to believe I can be successful)

Success > Reward   (then if I am successful, I have to feel there is some type of reward.  Otherwise why bother?)

Reward > Relevant  (the reward I get has to resonate with me personally.  i.e. something I actually value)

For men in abusive relationships, I think all three aspects are lacking... .

[maxsterling]

About all I can say is that I can relate.   Main difference is that I have called the police now twice, including last night.  My calls to the police were based on fear/threats of her hurting herself.  But the way things developed is pretty spot-on to this article.

I think with most men and abuse, part of the issue is that it's not talked about nearly enough and not portrayed enough in media and entertainment industries.  I've found that many of my male friends are quite sensitive, and can relate to the abuse, and are open and supportive.  It's my women friends who simply dismiss it as "you are a man, man up and end the relationship."

And in my case, and it seems like many men here, the main thing that keeps us from recognizing it as abuse and a serious problem is simple confusion.  And I think that goes back to media/entertainment/society.  Women are raised to hear about domestic abuse and violence.  After all, there are women's shelters and charities, but how many men's shelters?  I think many men just aren't raised in an environment where they can identify abuse from females, until it turns violent.

[bruceli]

Speaks to me very loudly... .PDexW rages at me, hits ME with a pipe, and because I am a 6 foot tall powerlifter, am told by the authorities that I need to leave.  Been there so many times. 

[Skip]

Someone wrote this, and before I put it in a blog I would like your opinion on it. Does this speak to you and do you agree or disagree? I did not write this.

I think the biggest question is do you want to get into men's advocacy or the flip side, womens rights advocacy.  

We have seen the huge public reaction to the NFL's Ray Rice knocking out his wife in an Atlantic City elevator.  The public outcry is for stronger protection of the women. Ray Rice has lost $9.5 million in salary and his right to ever work in the NFL is in question. Many people in the public want more punishment  - including resignations of commissioners, dropped sponsorships, etc.

The girl he knocked out married him a few weeks ago (after the incident).  Some viewing the video say she made the first physical advance.  She's fighting for leniency as she, as the wife,  is also losing the $9.5 million.

Messy.  A social dilemma - catch 22 - with few practical answers.

Pisarra's article is raising the same old catch 22 questions while lightly touching on social mores, public opinion, law, child rearing without really offering any practical advice.  

Yes its messy.  What's his advice to Ray Rice's new bride?  Help make Ray Rice and example or fight for the $9.5 million and her future financial security?

These are the reasons why Mike needed to stand up to the abusive behavior of his wife at the earliest possible moment and to put a stop to it by getting the assistance of the police, the courts and mental health professionals.

Would a better place be to start by involving family members, friends, clergy, therapist - get visibility to the volatility in the home and have some trusted respected (safe) people try to help her deal with her issues?  The police and the courts would never be my first choice for solving domestic problems - DV is so politicized that you could innocently start a ball rolling that ends up with you in jail or the kids in foster care.

[maxen]

honestly, i find its gender characterizations to be simplistic. i don't doubt that the writer has met men like this, but to generalize is from them only entrenches the root problem. the section "What It Means to be a "Man" in Our Society" is cringeworthy.

but it's true, "As a society we have to empower men to stop domestic violence and abuse". (i've been battered by 2 gf's and raped by one.) that's a herculean thing to do. which information outlets to pick, and what message to send? pamphlets in doctors' offices? i'm not joking. where to put the message?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=234489.0

[yeeter]

I think the biggest question is do you want to get into men's advocacy or the flip side, womens rights advocacy.   

A really good question. It is a highly polarizing topic, that seems not possible from a balanced middle ground position (representing both sides).  At least not in a broad public environment.

[ForeverDad]

I come from a very religious background.  My now-ex and I had been religious volunteers together for 8 years.  During that time she went from high maintenance to barely manageable, to the point that we were virtually ushered into the choice to leave.  However, five years into the marriage she added vile cursing to her periodic outbursts.  That was hugely conflicting for me, I knew that wasn't right but I was too embarrassed to reach out for help.

A few years later I hoped that she'd be more positive and less critical if we had a child.  Too late I realized that having children does not make a dysfunctional marriage functional, it just makes it vastly more complicated especially if the marriage fails and has to be unwound.

She had hit me whenever irritated with me, from the first year.  Toward the end she even attacked me, one time cutting my face.  (And no, I never reported it.)

I wasn't able to speak out until the final months.  Congregation elders were unable to deal with the paranoid obsessions, criticisms and conflict.  I tried marital counseling but ex refused.  The pediatrician recommended counseling but nothing happened.  Even the professionals were powerless since they only had small slices of authority.  It reached the crisis point when, once friends and family were driven away and we were isolated, she then focused on me.  COntrol or else feel controlled.  Dominate or else feel dominated.

• "I wear the pants, you b___!"



• "You have cancer in your p*nis!" (false)



• "I will disappear with son and you'll never see him again!"



• "I feel like a prostitute, I want to get paid!"  (for what, where is the intimacy?)



• Teasings of intimacy early in the day but by evening she had found an excuse to be mad or I had been treated so bad I wasn't interested.

I knew the End was looming when she started interrogating me as though I was abusing our child.  If allegations have been contemplated or threatened, they will be made, sooner or later.  I started recording the conflict, it was my 'insurance' that I wasn't the one misbehaving.

I have particular issues with how the courts handled everything.

• In municipal court she admitted to threatening to kill me.  But the judge found her not guilty by using case law which added an "imminent" test to the threats.  So she walked out knowing she could make threats as long as she didn't have a weapon in her hands.



• In family court her pending case in the other court was ignored, apparently adult behaviors were not considered to affect parenting behaviors.  In 30 minutes she the mother walked out with temporary custody, it took 8 years of small fixes pursued by father to reverse that.  Son was 3 when we entered the system, he was 11 when I finally got custody and majority time.  His most formative years were consumed by the custody/schedule war and court wasn't concerned about that.



• The person behaving poorly seldom faces consequences and the person behaving well seldom gets credit.

About the article, the targets need to accept that unless the spouse is in long term progressing therapy, it WILL get worse.  There will be periods of calm but it only serves to lull the target into hoping, 'maybe this time was the last time".  But the cycle always resumes, like a roller coaster coming into the platform, unless the target gets off, the ride starts again all too soon.  Sadly, as much as we wish otherwise, we are not exceptions to the rule.

Compare the pwBPD with how a gambling house is run, the House makes the rules.  I don't have to follow my rules but you do.

It is important for us the reasonably normal parents to use good examples and validation to help the children to objectives see things and formulate their own conclusions.  Children of pwBPD or other acting-out PDs are less likely to have solid concepts of right and wrong, true and false, actual history versus rewritten history, etc.

Boundaries are crucial, any appeasement will encourage more boundary pushing.  Conversely, so will strengthened boundaries, it triggers Extinction Bursts.  Reasonableness and flexibility are perceived as weakness.  So accept there will always be boundary pushing.

[Waddams]

I can relate to a lot of that article.  I understand that for a short article trying to make a point, you have to gloss over other pertinent information, and there's a lot that article leaves out.

For me, the biggest issue is that the current social attitudes and legal arenas all but dismiss men that are victims or who have been wronged.  As a man, you're always guilty until proven innocent, and even then the proof doesn't really exonerate you.  I fully understand why many men don't fight like they should in these situations.  The deck is drastically stacked against us, and making the fight for ourselves and our kids basically means risking and mostly being totally destroyed financially.  And even when you totally prove your case, and the other side is totally proven to be in the wrong, the outcome for fighting is still never adequate.  The judges decide based on their biases and not the facts of the case or the needs of the children. 

The judge in our last hearing admonishing my uPDxw, telling her she was basically all wrong, I was basically all right, then acknowledging my son's future is being ruined by his mom, but then refusing to issue an order to provide any kind of relief.  And making me pay part of her legal fees simply because she refuses to work and I make good money (keep in mind he's stated my case is not frivolous, very justified, etc.).  It's really simple - send my kid to school so he can learn reading/writing/math.  Excuse me I have a divorce decree that says I'm not responsible for providing support to her anymore.  But the judge ordered it anyway.  My son is 10 and it's inexcusable what is happening due his mom's farce of "unschooling" style home school.  He can't hardly write, do any math, etc.  The judge just didn't want to order a custody change BECAUSE I AM A MAN.  So he ordered uPDxw to clean up her act and document it.  She hasn't changed a thing and has even escalated her behaviors, as well as her acting out towards me. 

It's pure and simple bias against men.  And as men, we hear how the legal system, the mental health resources, etc. are all stacked against us, and most just decide to withdraw as much for self-preservation.  And their kids suffer for it.  The sad fact is that even when men fight back, their kids still suffer mostly the same as if they didn't because the courts, laws, and mental health profession is just plain biased against the men that do try to fight back.  The bias, unfairness, and double standards are so immense and systemic it's pretty much impossible for a man to protect his kids from a disordered/abusive mother. 

The only thing that happens in so many cases is the man ends up destroying himself in the attempt for very little benefit to anyone in return. 

[Turkish]

I don't see much about how it affects the kids, so the title is misleading to me.

I can relate to much of what was said, however. I was expected to fit the mold of machismo man from my Ex's home culture, as well as New World Modern American Male. In short, I was held to standards, rather than being seen as a real human being.

Whether to advocate or not is a tough call. It is highly politicized. For children, I think teaching them proper values at a young age is key to enable them (male of female) to not get into relationships with abusive partners in the first place. Not growing up witnessing an unhealthy parental dynamic goes a long way, especially for children who don't have the inborn traits to properly differentiate from their parents.

I see the double standards played out. My Ex's younger sister (~30, she has some BPD traits, but not so much the uncontrollable anger that my Ex has) posted a video on Facebook a while back. It showed a wife setting up her cheating husband for an intimate night in. When he stepped into the room, almost stripped naked, she started beating him with her fists, shoes, whatever was available. I was shocked that a few women were chiming in with comments, "That's what he gets for doing that!" I stopped the conversation cold when I commented, "women cheat, too. Reverse the genders in that video. Is it still funny? No matter what her husband did, that woman is committing a crime. Domestic violence is never acceptable, no matter who does it."

[gary seven]

Randi:

The article speaks somewhat to me on some levels.  Many of the stories that other Dads post here usually have us feeling doomed, because the superior manipulatory power of the Maternal BPD, who before she was the mother of your children, at one point was the love of one's life.

I feel there are a lot of red flags men overlook and ignore as we get the "star treatment", which harks to the sports idols.  Entanglement ensues, tentacles and vines only emerge from invisibility all too often as the female BPD changes her status from date >girlfriend> wife>mother of your kids.

For me, and many guys here, its a real-life horror movie we can't get out of.  The kids are innocent , and it is way too hard for a Dad to be a Dad and a Mom, let alone being a grandpa and grandma all in one person.

Reading what those have been through here, is a small source of comfort. But essentially we are all loners when having to face the BPD spouse and consider facing the courts.  Because of the stereotypes and and celebrity and press we run to keep things hidden, out of a personal shame.  We want to keep it hidden, and that is what tears us apart.  Or causes us to make bad decisions or actions that are impulse and not reflective of the genuine love we have for our children.  I happen to be married to someone with a law degree. We have been thrown out of one town and moved two states away twice.  Makes all this all the worse for me

I didn't get a deep sense from the article about the suffering.  Maybe I'm not strong enough yet to see through this. For me,  "Mike" was a little too loosely drawn.  But it's a very tough topic and you have to admire the author for even starting the dialogue.

And thank you for bringing it up, too.

[Aussie JJ]

I don't have as much experience as others just starting this process however no matter how much I thought I was ready for it I wasn't.  

I am going to not concentrate on my example at the moment but a bit f the history of my exBPDgf's upbringing.  Some facts that I know as opposed to things I believe happened.  

* Eldest daughter removed at 13 years old due to family violence.  100 % placed into foster care.  Mother was biting, hitting and yelling constantly. 

* exBPDgf at 11 years old sent overseas for 6 months to live with family overseas, she got sent back as her behaviour was so bad. 

* Mother has a complete lack of empathy.  Her eldest daughter hasn't seen her in years. 

* Eldest daughter cant walk into the family home because there are so many bad memories. 

Now my exBPDgf told me her sister had BPD, 100 % about that one.  She told me many things about her own mental health however a summary is below:

* She has bi-polar disorder. 

* Her, her sister and mother all had the same issues. 

* She had an emotional regulation disorder. 

* She had anxiety issues. 

* She had depression and some mood swings with depression. 

* There is nothing wrong with her mental health, she is perfect.  (latest)

All I can do at the moment is say, she didn't have a chance.  Her father enabled her mothers behaviour, allowed it to happen.  Growing up she had no chance what so ever to develop normally.  She is damaged by her FOO permanently.  Now they are uniting together to shoot me down and keep control of our son.  I am at the point that I honestly am not angry at her, I expect her to behave this way as she grew up in this environment and this is what she learnt from her FOO. 

For me, I just want more for our son.  I want more for him with his relationship with his mother.  I want more than she had from her own mother and father.  I have been hit by her, sexually assualted, yelled at until I was crying on multiple occasions, all things she is now placing on me.  She had me attend the doctors office and sat there telling the doctor I was depressed and wasn't doing well i needed medication.  She used to e-mail my boss and question him about how I was coping at work and call him, basically seeing how I was going constantly.  Attended couples counselling and had everything put on me, I couldn't go back as it was making me crazy. 

Now when I am trying to ask for 2 or 3 nights a week with my son her response is to file false claims and try to get a restraining/intervention order out against me, placing my sons name on the order as well.  When claims like this are made, they deserve to be heard.  My thing is before all of this I was trying to work through everything.  I was accepting fault and not questioning what was happening.  I am now in the position of having to fight all of this and every claim she makes will be looked at as true until it can be proven false by the system. 

If a woman walks into a police station and says, my ex is stalking, harassing and was violent.  Instant action against the man.  As there should be.  However as swift as that action is what is the process to check those claims are true, what is the process to check that their are not other issues at play.  How many men are put in this situation and don't have the knowledge of the mental health problems in existence? 

When I called to report her behaviours to child services 6-7 months ago, they said they couldn't really do anything about it.  Their was no imminent threat to our son.  Where was my proof, where is her proof about me following her and "harassing" her, there is none, she just says she is fearful of me.  Well that fear is justified and acting is taken to restrict my rights.  I say I am fearful of her parenting and they look at me like I am an evil person and tell me to get proof and then when there is some they will think about it. 

At some point in time, the education and advocacy groups have to change from women's and mens rights to partners rights.  Their are 7 hot-lines and support groups that have government funding in the state where I live for women.  Their is 1 support line for men that has government funding, it is a national hotline.  No advocacy groups and no recognition that family violence often is unreported by men due to these very issues.  Advocacy has to be "partners advocacy" not mens or womens advocacy.  I will never accept the view that men or women are any different here.  Their is a gross inequality between men and women and how our actions are perceived.  Their is a gross difference in the weight given to our claims based on our gender.  Their are groups yelling and screaming through society about equal pay for a days work and everything else, equal rights to be a father/mother for all parents, no, just women's advocacy groups. 

It has been like this for a long time and I cant see it changing any time soon.  There will be another story on the news about a horrible man who beat his wife and they will show her bruised face.  They will never run a story on the news with regularity about men being the victims of domestic violence, children being denied access to there fathers because of unfounded claims, it doesn't sell and 50% of the demographic will say, well what was he doing to her?  She must have been defending herself. 

Before all of this I never heard of men being the victims of domestic violence, if someone told me I would have laughed at them and told them to get over it, that is what society raised me to do.  That view has to change, it cant be about womens/mens rights it has to be parent A has XYZ problems, parent B has ABC problems.  Not father and mother.  I fear this will never occur, if it does it wont be in this generation. 

Now back to the top, what if my exBPDgf's father had taken a stand and separated from his wife, what would the system have done to him 20 years ago if his wife would have been placing all her behaviours on to him?  They would have believed her and he would have been made out to be the one that was a bad parent.  That is a no-win option that he was faced with.  What parent, wants to make that choice, it isn't about fathers or mothers rights, both are parents, it is about the child's right to have the most healthy upbringing possible.  They system isn't geared to this, it says it on paper however it is just on paper, nothing else. 

The article to me is very true however I think it shouldn't be about men and women.  If I walk into the police station and report domestic violence, then it should be followed through instantly.  Same as has been done for her when she has done this.  Partners rights is what it should be about. 

[HopefulPapaOf2]

This really speaks to me too.

My uBPDw is now divorcing me, and has left my life in tatters.

I have had a very short marriage, married in April, and we found out we were pregnant at the beginning of May.

After that time, her anger/rages just increased in intensity quickly, becoming more vicious and demeaning, and then escalating into semi-regular violent behavior (perhaps once a week)

I "took it" again and again, letting my boundaries get stomped all over.

I often had bruises on my arms and shoulders, a few times I had taken pictures or video (secretly) of violent acts, and the resulting bruises.

But even those too, I eventually felt guilty about, thinking "I'm not trusting her enough, I shouldn't be keeping evidence against her, she's not my enemy"

Thus, I eventually deleted those pictures and videos <-- Big mistake!

It had gotten really bad (But of course, there were periods of relative calm, always giving me a false sense of hope that "things might be getting better!"

Finally, one day, while we were talking, she was angry about something, and writing to her friend about me and laughing, and I took the phone out of her hand (yes, this was my mistake)

She slapped me hard, and something snapped inside - I slapped her back (Huge mistake - I had always just "taken" the violence in the past, and this was an awful, terrible reaction - totally my responsibility to react of course)

She called the police, and (of course!) lied about the events in question.

The police called me and said I could "talk to my wife if I came down to the station".

Not ever having been in any kind of trouble in my life, I thought: "OK, I'll just tell the truth, after all, honesty is the best policy"

Well, the police just used the bits they needed to corroborate her story and then book me.

2 months later, I accepted a guilty plea in court.

Right after that, her advocate read a letter she had written accusing me of lying to her about not slapping her (Well, why am I here, accepting a guilty plea then?)

And then saying that I had always been a horrible person, living with me was like hell, and that I had been a violent abuser from the beginning and now she will divorce me and never see my face again.

WHAT? total reversal... .All that time I had hid my bruises, and accepted the meaningless apologies that inevitably followed, only to be thrown under the bus.

Now, I have little chance of getting much rights to my son, as I accepted the plea deal.

(She repeatedly cried to me and my mother that a trial would destroy her - Now it's clear that was also a manipulation to just "prove" I was "guilty"

Don't get me wrong, I should NOT have slapped her back, no matter what. It was my reaction, and I own it.

I also feel terrible that I increased her pain in any way (since I know how difficult her internal state is already!)

At the same time, it's excruciating to be now accused in public of doing the very thing that she was doing to me all along, and now have a "valid looking" way to back it up in family court going forward.

I messed up ONE TIME this way, and now it looks like it was me "all along"

I may never get a chance to know my son now... .

We had gone at one time to a couples therapist who knew she was abusing me, but tried to just suggest things that we could do to de-escalate (instead of making it clear that violence has to be zero)

Later, because things things had escalated, she suggested that she could no longer handle our high-conflict marriage and suggested my wife go into individual therapy.

With THAT therapist, she completely snowed the therapist early on.

At one point, she had written a contract... Things I can do to improve, and things she can do.

I no longer have it, but I had written an email at one point to the therapist about it.

The things she wanted:

1 - No sexual innuendo (she basically cut off sex and talking about sex completely shortly after we married)

2 - If I need time, give me time (20 mins)

3 - Don't raise your voice.

The things she would do "in return":

1 - I won't threaten divorce every day.

2 - I won't hit you.

3 - I'll come out of my room after 20 mins.

Isn't it striking that "I won't hit you" is something that I get in return for my good behaviour?

How is it possible that the therapist ever agreed to this?

More importantly, why did I?

Seems to indicate a pretty severe problem, right?

I DO know the boundaries are my own (should never have accepted violence in our life), but I also just wonder about the role of therapists (when involved)

Piece of (hopefully obvious) advice to those with a BPD SO:

-If your SO is hurting you get out.

And if you don't get out, take pictures/video and DON'T ever destroy the evidence out of guilty feelings like I did.

Now focusing on me, and getting my life back together.

Never again will I allow that in my life.

Peace, Love, and Healing to you all.