At a crossroad

[WhoMe51]

I am at a crossroad in this relationship.  I am trying to determine if this is what I want to do the rest of my life.  I go back in forth in my thoughts.  And recently I decided that I was going to commit to my dBPDgf and love her, despite her disorder.  But now I don't know if I have the emotional stamina to do it or not.  I went out of town to an event that I had always wanted to go to.  I was supposed to have met up with my brother there, but because of personal circumstances he couldn't go. Which was fine because things happen.  I understood.  So I was in another state by myself.  Off and on through the weekend, my dBPDgf texted me and called me.  She asked how I was doing and she would tell me that she missed me and loved me.  I told her I was doing okay and that I loved her and missed her as well.  I didn't hear from her on Saturday evening.  She told me earlier that she had plans to go with a girlfriend to the movies.  I told her to have a good time and to have fun.  She texted me around 10:30 p.m. and said she hoped I was alright.  I was already in bed because the event was on Sunday.  So I didn't see the text till the next morning.  I texted her back later and said that I hoped she had fun.  She called a little later and told me about her evening.  They didn't go see a movie but instead went to a bar.  She then told me that she was hit on as well as the other girl.  She then asked if it bothered me that she was hit on and I said that I trusted her to do the right thing.  She said that she didn't respond to the men flirting with her.  And that she loved me and missed me.  I flew home on Monday.  All the way there all I could think about was seeing her.  When I arrived it was almost her lunch time at work, so I thought I would surprise her.  I texted her when I arrived and she finally came out.  I went up to her and hugged her real tight and she gave me a simple kiss.  We went back into her office and she started complaining about how much she hated her job and she went back to work.  I stood there for a moment trying to figure out what to say.  I asked her if this was a bad time for her and she said no.  I then asked her to talk with me for a few moments and she looked at me and said about what?  I said your texts all weekend were about missing me and I wanted to see you when I got home.  And I thought you felt the same.  She said I did miss you but now your'e here.  I felt like a fool.  I told her I was going to go home and do my laundry.  We had plans to see each other that night.  She told me she would call me later.  When she called, she started telling me how tired she was, and what she needed to do.  She said that I could come over if I wanted to.  I told her that I didn't want to be in her way.  And I told her that I shouldn't have come to see her at work cause all she did was work.  And I didn't want to spend my evening with her wishing she would be with me.  It turned into a fight.  Then she said that I needed to decide what I wanted to do if she couldn't meet my needs.  I said you miss me then you don't.  You love me, then you don't.  And this is how it's always going to be.  Then she said she was justified in her behavior because of something I did way back.  I told her that she was right that I needed to decide what I wanted.  She then started telling me that she does give to me.  And I told her she was right about that, but it's when she wants to.  I keep trying to have a real relationship with her.  Like the one in the beginning.  It wasn't real though.  It was just an illusion to keep me believing in something that I always wanted.  I love this woman, but in order to stay with her, I have to completely change my thinking and who I am.  I am going to have to do what she is incapable of doing.  I don't want the relationship to end.  But is it really a relationship?  It's what I have known for almost 5 yrs.  And now she is doing the silent treatment.  Any feedback would be helpful.   

[WhoMe51]

I'm just wondering what I did wrong?  I have studied BPD.  I have read the lessons.  I have learned how to validate her feelings.  I have learned the JADE method.  Am I asking too much?  I just don't know how to do this anymore.  I want to have love given back to me.  And not just on her timing.  Am I wrong for feeling like this?  I am very sad today.  I guess when she said she missed me, it was just for that moment.  I am a romantic at heart.  And I forget that it doesn't matter what I do, if it's not what she wants at the moment, then it's just wasted effort on my part.  And I'm going to get frustrated because I'm not going to get the response that I thought I should get.  I guess I expected too much.  But did I really after what she said all weekend?  Dam I am so confused.

[WhoMe51]

  This is going to be my last post on the undecided board.  After this last incident, I am tired of feeling the way I do.  I have often read on here about the final breaking point.  Or finally saying enough is enough.  And I reached it.  I thought I could do the lessons on here to make my relationship work.  But I soon realized that I am not strong enough emotionally to be a constant caretaker without getting anything in return.  Don't get me wrong she isn't all bad, because she does have a very giving nature when it suits her needs.  During the course of our relationship, I have come to realize how codependent I am.  I am in counseling for this.  I now see why she picked me, subconsciously of course.  And why I picked her.  This relationship with my dBPDgf is an exact emotional replica of my childhood.  The rages of anger, the cussing, the threat of abandonment, the never being good enough, always having to prove my worth is what I had to live as a child. The constant blame.  It all makes sense.  I have been trying to get it right through this relationship with this woman.  As a child, I couldn't just leave and that I believe is why I stayed with her this long.  I didn't believe that I had what it took to leave.  I kept trying to make her treat me right.  I finally get it.  And now as an adult, I do have the power to leave this abusive relationship.  I am not helpless like I was as a child.  And I didn't deserve it as a child nor do I deserve it as an adult. 

I know it's not going to be easy to leave, but like any addiction , it can be overcome.  At this moment, I feel liberated.  I feel powerful.  I am taking back my life.  And I am going to be okay.  I am almost certain that she has a replacement already lined up anyway.  It's just a feeling I have.  She has been treating me like I am an option.  And I have been blinded by her words of love, while her actions show otherwise.

The way she treats me isn't love.  You can't treat someone good for a little while, sprinkle in a few sweet words and then in the next breath shred the one who you say you love.  And then tell me, "I'm not perfect."  No neither am I, but I don't treat you like that and I don't deserve to be treated like that.  And then to top it all off she would blame her behavior on something that I didn't even remember that she said I did.  So therefore she justified her behavior because of something I did.  She never took responsibility.  I was always to blame.  She would apologize but then in the same breath justify her actions because of my past behavior.  I waited to late to implement boundaries.  Codependents aren't good with enforcing boundaries, because we too fear abandonment.

I wish those of you who are on the staying or undecided board  the best.  I finally reached the "point of no return moment".  I finally see it.  The pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving.  There are no extra benefits that are worth what I have allowed myself to endure.  javascript:void(0); Like Truman said on the Truman show, "Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!"  Take care

[Agent_of_Chaos]

  This is going to be my last post on the undecided board.  After this last incident, I am tired of feeling the way I do.  I have often read on here about the final breaking point.  Or finally saying enough is enough.  And I reached it.  I thought I could do the lessons on here to make my relationship work.  But I soon realized that I am not strong enough emotionally to be a constant caretaker without getting anything in return.  Don't get me wrong she isn't all bad, because she does have a very giving nature when it suits her needs.  During the course of our relationship, I have come to realize how codependent I am.  I am in counseling for this.  I now see why she picked me, subconsciously of course.  And why I picked her.  This relationship with my dBPDgf is an exact emotional replica of my childhood.  The rages of anger, the cussing, the threat of abandonment, the never being good enough, always having to prove my worth is what I had to live as a child. The constant blame.  It all makes sense.  I have been trying to get it right through this relationship with this woman.  As a child, I couldn't just leave and that I believe is why I stayed with her this long.  I didn't believe that I had what it took to leave.  I kept trying to make her treat me right.  I finally get it.  And now as an adult, I do have the power to leave this abusive relationship.  I am not helpless like I was as a child.  And I didn't deserve it as a child nor do I deserve it as an adult. 

I know it's not going to be easy to leave, but like any addiction , it can be overcome.  At this moment, I feel liberated.  I feel powerful.  I am taking back my life.  And I am going to be okay.  I am almost certain that she has a replacement already lined up anyway.  It's just a feeling I have.  She has been treating me like I am an option.  And I have been blinded by her words of love, while her actions show otherwise.

The way she treats me isn't love.  You can't treat someone good for a little while, sprinkle in a few sweet words and then in the next breath shred the one who you say you love.  And then tell me, "I'm not perfect."  No neither am I, but I don't treat you like that and I don't deserve to be treated like that.  And then to top it all off she would blame her behavior on something that I didn't even remember that she said I did.  So therefore she justified her behavior because of something I did.  She never took responsibility.  I was always to blame.  She would apologize but then in the same breath justify her actions because of my past behavior.  I waited to late to implement boundaries.  Codependents aren't good with enforcing boundaries, because we too fear abandonment.

I wish those of you who are on the staying or undecided board  the best.  I finally reached the "point of no return moment".  I finally see it.  The pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving.  There are no extra benefits that are worth what I have allowed myself to endure.  javascript:void(0); Like Truman said on the Truman show, "Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!"  Take care

I wish you all the best my friend. I admire you staying true to your convictions.  My situation/thought process practically mirrors yours.  My uBPD and I have recently broke up, but I am struggling with trying to decide whether or not I want to salvage whats left.  I too am extremely co-dependent and so I realize our relationship was a twisted tango at times. I find comfort in your post and knowing that sometimes even when we have the best intentions, the load is simply too heavy to bare.

[almostmarried]

Hello WhoMe51.I really feel for you. Your story is completely similar to mine.I lived in Europe .She lived in the US. I made a visa application to relocate to the US. All this time while waiting she mailed me constantly ... .she loves me,she´s waiting for me,she needs me... .bla bla bla.

After almost 1 year of waiting I finally got my visa . I moved to the US. After a few days she started ignoring me,giving me the silent treatment,one week after the other.I confronted her about her behavior.Her answer:

":)ont make me angry,I told you that we will only be together once a week... ."

After 3 months in the US I left her.She did the same to her ex-husband.Even her own son left her.

She is ill.

You made the right decision,my friend.

While in the US one evening I was totally down and I went to a bar to have a beer. I started a conversation with a stranger and told him about my situation.At the end,he said to me:

"Forgive yourself,my friend,and move on."

Now my advice to you:

Forgive yourself,my friend,and move on.