too much mental illness

[livednlearned]

I'm so sick of mental illness.  :'(  I started to post this over on the Coparenting board, but I think here on Parenting is probably where it belongs.

My son is 13. His dad is bipolar and BPD/NPD.

I'm so sick and tired of brains and feelings and behaviors.  :'( :'(

The school nurse called today and said S13 came to her complaining that he was sad and didn't feel good. When I picked him up from school he said he met all the criteria for severe depression.  :'( He gave me the sheet that they handed out in health, and it's all right there in black and white. He said he doesn't want to live, but he's a coward so he probably won't ever do anything.  :'( :'( :'( 

A few months ago he described behaviors that I know are OCD. I'm taking him to see someone who specializes in anxiety disorders.   

Four years ago he was diagnosed ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder, plus generalized anxiety. I have this dread feeling that he's going to eventually be diagnosed bipolar like his dad.

When S13 came home today and said he was severely depressed I thought, "It's here." Like the thing I've been dreading is now starting to take root and spread. I'm so afraid that he will take his life.  :'( That I can't do anything to prevent it. I don't know what more I can do. If everything I've done the past four years is not enough, I don't know what else there is. He seemed to be thriving but now that puberty is here, things are taking a turn for the worse.

The man I'm dating has a daughter who is being treated for psychotic depression, his ex is clinically depressed. My mom is depressed and epileptic and my geriatric dog is losing her mind. Every night around 7pm she starts the sundowner thing where she barks at nothing and paces and pants and it sets my nerves on edge.  :'(

I'm so tired of mental illness.

I'm also tired of being strong.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Dear livednlearned, 

I'm so tired of mental illness.

I'm also tired of being strong.

Is there a way for you to take a break? Can your bf sit there with you and hold you and comfort you while you cry?

Nobody is strong enough to bear this continually. 

It's so scary and so overwhelming to look at this all at once. It looms larger than life. Some of these things may happen as time goes on and you can deal with them then. But now, you are safe, and today, for now, your son is safe... .

Right now, can you focus on a day at a time, an hour at a time, a moment at a time?

[Rapt Reader]

Oh, livednlearned 

I'm so sorry to hear this... .I know exactly what you are going through! When my son hit puberty it seemed like all heck broke loose, and what had been ADD and Social Anxiety (undiagnosed at the time) for many years seemed to blossom into something else as his hormones kicked in. It was during his Junior High years that Depression started to envelop him, and things just got harder after that. His Therapists think that his BPD started at that time, or maybe in High School. I was clueless as to what was happening, just trying to dance as fast as I could to help him make it through life and school intact... .

As awful as it is to hear your son say he is depressed, you are fortunate in that he has a Therapist who is aware of it and understands, and you are you, and you understand his troubles. As awful as it is to have so much dysfunction going on with the people (and dog   ) in your life, you are ahead of the game in that you know what you know... .And your son is talking to people about how he feels! That is phenomenal! If he can say that he is depressed and discuss it with you, he is in such a better place than hiding it inside and trying to deal with it himself, without your help.

If my son had had a support system in place like that--and the wherewithal to tell them how he was feeling, instead of keeping it inside and letting it color his opinion of himself--he may have side-stepped the BPD all together and gotten the help he needed at that tender age. What a difference that would have made to his development and happiness... .

I know you have a real shot at helping your son and making a huge difference in his life, and if he gets the proper help he can get diagnosed early enough to get treated, and have a much happier future. You have a lot on your plate, and it sucks, but your son and you have time on your side... .My son was 36 before he got the proper diagnosis and treatments; he lost all of those years for any sense of happiness or understanding of himself. Your son is only 13, and he has you in his corner. That's a good thing 

[MammaMia]

Livednlearned

Wow!  I can feel your stress through my computer screen.  Your life is unbelievably complex.  I think those of us dealing with loved ones who are mentally ill sometimes become overwhelmed and feel like we are the  only sane person in the family ... .which is a huge responsibility.  We are drowning in neediness. 

Do you have a therapist or group where you can vent your frustrations one on one?  Yes, we are strong, but we are also human, and sometimes we just need a kind word and a hug from someone who is able to listen without judging us and expecting us to "fix" everything.  Someone who can offer real support and acknowledgement for all we do. 

It is not easy to get away from all the craziness, but you also need to learn to make time for yourself.  Learn to say "no" and to ask others for help.  If you don't find a way to reduce the pressure, you will likely burn out or become ill.

Many of us have been where you are and it is not a good place.  Being a caregiver is hard work.  In your case, extremely hard work. Please take care of yourself and keep us posted.

[tristesse]

livednlearned, I just want to let you know I'm sorry that you are having to deal with so much.  I do not personally have multiple people with any type dis-order in my life, I only have the 1, and that is hard enough to deal with, so I am sure you're overwhelmed.

I have no great words of wisdom  to impart upon you, but I wanted to let you know that I care, that I will listen to and hear you when you need support and need to vent. Remember to take care of you, in all of this.

Hugs to you my friend.

[Dibdob59]

Dear livednlearned

I can fully identify with what you are saying and echo your feelings.  I have become completely isolated as a result of my UBPD/NPDH and UBPDS (30) and have spent over 35 years living a 'through the looking glass' existence.  I feel your distress from your post and wish I had some way of reaching out to you and soothing your pain.  Unfortunately I cannot do that.

My most recent fear is for my previously non daughter (34) who has now developed a number of traits that are very worrying.  Surely life would not be so cruel as to also inflict the only member of my family who is free from mental illness with this life altering condition.  I too feel that mental illness is surrounding me at every turn.

I always have to be one jump ahead of the game and try to second guess everything I am going to say before the conversations even begin.

Like you, I am so tired of this.

[Panda39]

livenlearned,

I'm not trying to be disrespectful of your post or how hard it is to deal with all of the things

going on in your life.

But my reaction was to chuckle at the end and think "even the dog has issues? This lady needs a break!"

So that's my suggestion take a break, go do something fun, or go to the movies or read a book put your "head" somewhere else for a while.  You are an imperfect human (like the rest of us) you can not be all things to everyone... .take some of the pressure off yourself.

[livednlearned]

Thank you everyone. I just realized I threw a pity party.  

@pessim-optimist, thank you. When S13 got in the car and talked about being depressed, I feel like I threw in the towel in with him. I don't want to get up and do this anymore, either. I do need to stop thinking about him committing suicide, and focus on him being healthy right now. I need to remember that he is here and we got this far. We are ok in this moment.

@Rapt Reader, your words are so unbelievably comforting. I'm so sorry that your son lost those years and didn't get the care he needed. Everything you said are all important things I need to remember. S13 told a grown up other than me that he was feeling sad. He's a 13 year old boy, so that means a lot, right? Usually he has somatic complaints that mask his emotions, but he fully put himself out there, recognized how he was feeling, and told someone. And you're right that he is young and there is a lot of awareness on his side. I need to also appreciate having full medical & legal custody of him so I can get him that care. I called to make a screening appointment and that was the first time I was asked if I had medical and legal guardianship.

@MammaMia, I have people I can vent to. My coworkers are wonderful, I have a boss I love. I work somewhere that is very flexible and accommodating. I have friends here. My friend circle dwindled a lot the past 4-5 years, but I have a loving SO and one very close friend, and they are both natural validators. I see a therapist when I can afford to, and also when I start to bottom out, and she lets me run a balance if I have to. I think I might be at that point. My body is saying no when I can't figure out how to say it. I'm getting only the bare minimum done right now.

@tristesse, thank you. Just having people listen, and who understand goes a long way.

@Dibdob59, do you feel PTSD-like feelings when you think about your D developing a mental illness? I feel like the hardest part is when I allow myself to think things are getting better. And then something else pops up. I'm like you -- I feel like I have to be one jump ahead and second guess everything. Being that way has had a huge effect on making my life and S13's life better, so it's compelling to continue like this. but I'm feeling there is a cost too.

@Panda39, yes -- even the dog has issues.    I didn't even know animals could become senile like this. She's two different dogs. Morning dog, very sweet and loving like her usual self. And then night dog, very agitated and entitled, and sometimes mean. She's been my little ball of light all these years and now she's falling apart in a way I never anticipated. And I can't comfort her  :'( at night she goes to another planet.

S13 went to the nurse again today, and this time told her he was depressed. She called me to let me know. I encouraged him to take care of himself like this if he needs to -- he can take a mental health break if he feels the need.

But he's asking me if he can stay home from school tomorrow. His voice cracked when he asked me. He's really in some pain right now. He says he keeps feeling like he's going to break down and cry, and just wants a day to make plans about how he's going to cope. What do I say? I don't feel like he's manipulating me. But maybe he will get ideas.

It feels like he is genuinely in a very dark place. I can work from home tomorrow and keep an eye on him. But all he will do is spend the day on his computer, and maybe read. If I let him stay home, do I make him take a walk outside with me?

[MammaMia]

Livednlearned

I applaud your 13 old s for having the courage to tell people he is depressed and obviously suffering.  Do you know how many other kids his age would just hide their misery by acting out?  You are doing something right! I would wonder if his therapist might need to review his medications or consider hospitalization or some other kind of intensive treatment to get him stabilized.  He is a brave boy, and you are both fortunate to have each other.

I do not believe you were throwing a pity party.  Dealing with mental illness in the volume you are is very difficult.  Everyone has down days... .and that's ok.  Being human is not being a failure.

Just do not forget that you have needs, just like everyone else.  It is not wrong to put yourself first every so often.  Rely on your support circle to make this happen.  You are so lucky to have people who care.

[SeaSprite]

But he's asking me if he can stay home from school tomorrow. His voice cracked when he asked me. He's really in some pain right now. He says he keeps feeling like he's going to break down and cry, and just wants a day to make plans about how he's going to cope. What do I say? I don't feel like he's manipulating me. But maybe he will get ideas.

It feels like he is genuinely in a very dark place. I can work from home tomorrow and keep an eye on him. But all he will do is spend the day on his computer, and maybe read. If I let him stay home, do I make him take a walk outside with me?

This is a hard question, and I don't know if there's a right answer... .I'm not sure what I would do differently if I had a do-over.

Here is what happened with my kid starting in the 7th grade.

She started getting really tired and not wanting to go to school. Finally I took her to a counselor and a doctor. Turned out she was anemic. Counselor also said she was depressed. She took some time off of school to take iron, she was sleeping 16+ hours a day and doing nothing.

Even once she started getting better, she refused to go back to school. She finished the year by doing her work from home in some of her classes, withdrawing from others.

The next year, same thing but mono this time. Added cutting and suicidal ideation, reckless sexual and social behavior. She finished the school year at home.

9th grade she kept missing school, depression and anxiety. When she turned 16, got her GED and started in community college classes. She only takes one or two at a time, but I'm supportive of anything that looks like forward movement.

I used to really push school attendance, because that's what parents are supposed to do, instil a work ethic, right? But she would push back harder, up the stakes, depression, then suicide threats and cutting. The more I pushed the worse she got.

So... .I don't know. Maybe some kids need permission to move slower, take a mental health day? Or maybe my kid was spoiled to start with, so when the going got tough... .she crumbled.

What I do know, what my kids have showed me, is that there are all kinds of ways to succeed, that not everyone has to fit into the little box that public education puts them in. My oldest barely graduated from high school, left community college halfway into her first quarter, and started beauty school. And... .she's good at it. She has a new job in a nice salon, where she is getting a lot of good mentoring and responsibility. The owner is even having her work as an office manager setting up new software systems to give her extra hours while she builds her clientele. This was a kid that has hated school since preschool. Her attendance and grades were all over the map.

I think it's easy to get so focused on what school is it's easy to lose sight of the goal... .learning, growing, becoming.

So maybe he needs encouragement to show up at school, or maybe he needs reassurance that school isn't the be all and end all of life. 

[pessim-optimist]

But he's asking me if he can stay home from school tomorrow. His voice cracked when he asked me. He's really in some pain right now. He says he keeps feeling like he's going to break down and cry, and just wants a day to make plans about how he's going to cope. What do I say? I don't feel like he's manipulating me. But maybe he will get ideas.

It feels like he is genuinely in a very dark place. I can work from home tomorrow and keep an eye on him. But all he will do is spend the day on his computer, and maybe read. If I let him stay home, do I make him take a walk outside with me?

That's a good question. This is how I see it:

Yes, it's probably a good idea for him to take a break. And - yes, he could get ideas.

I would have a talk with him and let him know the plan for the day, and ask him if he can agree to that:

1. I would let him rest, and do something relaxing that might lift his spirits. (Computer - only xy amount of time)

2. I would want him to think about how he is going to cope - and come up with ideas on that - we would talk about it later tomorrow.

3. The walk idea is wonderful, or maybe even something more strenuous (but enjoyable) - physical exercise is THE best way to get endorphins flowing --> improve mood. On the other hand, it sometimes takes effort to get oneself/someone else to start, as the depression (low energy) is holding one back, and tricking them into thinking they are too tired to do that - the opposite is true.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

He went to his comedy improv class yesterday and had a good time. Does that mean his depression is not severe? He and a friend were cracking each other up in the car yesterday on the way home.

I got him to bed earlier than usual last night. Today he woke up a little easier, but not by much. I told him he was going to school, but that I would pick him up before lunch. I think lunch is what is really stressing him out -- that's when the wild pack mentality of middle school hits its peak far as I can tell.

He was a little upset but got dressed and seemed ok in the car.

So, a compromise. He will see the pediatrician today and I'm hoping he engages her.

Today I realized I can't let this run my life. I just can't.  :'( I never really understand how to apply the "take care of yourself" advice when everything seems so urgent and important and pressing. I don't feel like I'm choosing to do things to make all of this harder for myself. But I got a glimpse of how I can be a coach instead of a rescuer. It's the suicidal talk that feels like a big black hole that sucks me in -- how does any parent stay out of that black hole? I've never really talked about this with anyone.  :'(

He's been talking about not wanting to live since he was 8. Mamma Mia, what you said about your D really touched me. I have to realize that maybe S13 is a unique and wonderful whole kid who is going to do things at his own pace, his own way. When he talks about middle school and what it's like, I couldn't agree with him more than it's an awful place. So if he needs to get through school his own way, I may need to prepare myself for that. I've soldiered through so much of my pain, and he isn't like that. I need to see that he is his own person, pain and all.