When they paint you black...

[mrsthomps]

I didn't understand the expression "painting you black" for quite some time after I left my BPDex. I do know, though.

I wonder why I am the one to be painted black while his ex wife is still golden in his eyes. Is it because I moved on and remarried and she is still single? Is it because she entertains his weird little idea of a family as co parents (they take vacations together without his gf, they go out to breakfast every Saturday, etc) and I refuse to even talk about anything outside of our son?

What's funny, I guess, is that back when everything started to collapse and he started to pull away the more I threw myself at him, I would send him long, heartfelt emails trying to connect with him and he would reply with harsh, cold, matter-of-fact words that meant nothing. It was like he had shut my love out and suddenly looked down on me as a pathetic little girl.

What stories do you have regarding your pwBPD painting you black? I had never experienced heartbreak like I did when he just shut everything off.

[Swiggle]

My ex is uNP. I think you are spot on with him painting you black because you've moved on and don't supply him with what he needs. I could be totally wrong but here is my take... .

If you don't indulge his advances and give him supply, it makes him feel abandoned, rejected and possibly other negative emotions. I think deep in their mind they know that we were good but to treat us this way would make them have to face that if we are good that maybe it was them that were bad. In order to not have to examine themselves, they blame us and treat us poorly because it reinforces their mindset about us being bad. 

His ex is creating a supply for him, why would he jeopordize that if he is getting what he needs? No need to paint her black, if he did he wouldn't have someone stroking his ego giving him what he needs.

[mrsthomps]

My ex is uNP. I think you are spot on with him painting you black because you've moved on and don't supply him with what he needs. I could be totally wrong but here is my take... .

If you don't indulge his advances and give him supply, it makes him feel abandoned, rejected and possibly other negative emotions. I think deep in their mind they know that we were good but to treat us this way would make them have to face that if we are good that maybe it was them that were bad. In order to not have to examine themselves, they blame us and treat us poorly because it reinforces their mindset about us being bad. 

His ex is creating a supply for him, why would he jeopordize that if he is getting what he needs? No need to paint her black, if he did he wouldn't have someone stroking his ego giving him what he needs.

That's very spot on. I've posted about this before but he kidnapped our child out of daycare a few weeks ago. In my frantic state of mind, I gave the police every single person I could think of that he would have fled to, his ex wife was one of those people. She actually defended him to the police. She told them that I never allow him to see our son (which is a very big lie, I give him extra time outside of our plan constantly) and that I was a crazy person. She and I have never even interacted face-to-face. So she is definitely validating his thoughts about me.

[Lilac0704]

Wow. I am so sorry you are dealing with all this. How horrifying and frustrating and heartbreaking it must be! All I can say is that I am SURE your child knows the truth and sees your integrity as a person and your love for her. Sounds like you make excellent choices (although difficult) that are in her best interest, and your ex does not. That is truth that will one day be clear in your child's mind. I am thinking of you!