Can they be violent?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I pretty well have the same story as most.  Was with my BPD for nearly 5 yrs, engaged, owned a home together, left 3 months prior to the wedding when he allowed a trouble maker woman to convince him I was cheating, and he berated me about it in front of friends at a party.  He is an alcoholic, the last year he became abusive.  Calling me names, instigating arguments, the constant control, getting in my face, knocking things out of my hand, trying to choke me.  His family is dysfunctional, and didn't want to help.  I left... .completely unaware of the severity of this illness.  He came back, stating he had a God moment, begging me to help him.  I offered support, and to see what he would do to "fix" himself.  He entered rehab, and has been in therapy for 2 years.  I saw him slipping back, and clearly fronting just to keep me around.  Since I have blocked him on social media, and blocked him from my phone things have somewhat improved.  However, he is very angry and clearly stalking me.  :)riving by at night, stealing things off my car, driving through the church parking lot, spreading rumors with friends.  My questions is this... .will he slowly quit or should I be concerned?

Thanks in advance!

[JAC_flgirl]

I pretty well have the same story as most.  Was with my BPD for nearly 5 yrs, engaged, owned a home together, left 3 months prior to the wedding when he allowed a trouble maker woman to convince him I was cheating, and he berated me about it in front of friends at a party.  He is an alcoholic, the last year he became abusive.  Calling me names, instigating arguments, the constant control, getting in my face, knocking things out of my hand, trying to choke me.  His family is dysfunctional, and didn't want to help.  I left... .completely unaware of the severity of this illness.  He came back, stating he had a God moment, begging me to help him.  I offered support, and to see what he would do to "fix" himself.  He entered rehab, and has been in therapy for 2 years.  I saw him slipping back, and clearly fronting just to keep me around.  Since I have blocked him on social media, and blocked him from my phone things have somewhat improved.  However, he is very angry and clearly stalking me.  :)riving by at night, stealing things off my car, driving through the church parking lot, spreading rumors with friends.  My questions is this... .will he slowly quit or should I be concerned?

Thanks in advance!

[Popcorn71]

If he's anything like my ex, he will quit as soon as he gets a replacement.  I had all the stalking behaviour etc. from my ex but as soon as he got a new woman, it stopped.  I guess he had other things on his mind.

[catnap]

Keep a log of his stalking.  Talk to the local police about what you can do to protect yourself.  You might be able to get a restraining order.  The hope is that he will find someone new to focus on, but safety first. 

[ForeverDad]

... .when he allowed a trouble maker woman to convince him I was cheating... .

Is this his side of the story or the facts you've gained over time?  My thoughts are he either convinced a gullible woman you were a bad GF and/or he was trying to blame or blame-shift you.  He couldn't end the relationship without making you take the fall for it in the most horrendous way possible.  Whatever the details, the sooner he's out of your life the better.  On key method is to keep your distance from him, never invite him in, never accept invitations from him, never agree to him getting close.

Be very careful not to egg him on.  Due to what he's done, be very careful he doesn't twist reality and set a trap for you to look like the stalker or abuser.  Don't react or overreact in any way that could make you look like the bad person.

If you have any remaining legal connections, such as owning property together, find a way to end that.  This guy is bad news, you gave him a second chance and the first crash is happening all over again, accept this is strong indication of a cycle that will likely recur time after time.

This has been said many times so I don't know if there is an original quote to cite, but I remember on Star Trek the Enterprise's engineer Scotty finally exclaimed to those on the Bridge, speaking of the Klingons trying to keep luring the Enterprise away from Captain Kirk and the landing party with a second false distress signal, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!"

[JAC_flgirl]

... .when he allowed a trouble maker woman to convince him I was cheating... .

Is this his side of the story or the facts you've gained over time?  My thoughts are he either convinced a gullible woman you were a bad GF and/or he was trying to blame or blame-shift you.  He couldn't end the relationship without making you take the fall for it in the most horrendous way possible.  Whatever the details, the sooner he's out of your life the better.  On key method is to keep your distance from him, never invite him in, never accept invitations from him, never agree to him getting close.

Be very careful not to egg him on.  :)ue to what he's done, be very careful he doesn't twist reality and set a trap for you to look like the stalker or abuser.  :)on't react or overreact in any way that could make you look like the bad person.

If you have any remaining legal connections, such as owning property together, find a way to end that.  This guy is bad news, you gave him a second chance and the first crash is happening all over again, accept this is strong indication of a cycle that will likely recur time after time.

Thanks! You've given me some insight... .its so mind boggling to understand this illness.  This was a fact.  I knew the girl, and when she feels intimidated by another woman she does this.  So, he fell very easily into her trap; hook, line, sinker.  It amazes me how he convinces himself of things.  After this situation happened, he didn't speak to me for 3 days actually believing I had done this with no evidence.  It was so weird! Then suddenly, he snapped out of it.  He tried to contribute it to his addiction.  However, since our breakup he was berating me through text that I am seeing an old flame, and lied to him the whole time about seeing him and had the whole deal planned so I could see him after our break up.  His therapist which is a psych, has even dropped him cause he doesn't seem to want to help himself.  Also, he has dropped any friends that won't feel sorry for him.  The 2 mths later, coming to my home while I was sleeping stealing something off my car that he had made me 3 yrs ago was the topper!

This has been said many times so I don't know if there is an original quote to cite, but I remember on Star Trek the Enterprise's engineer Scotty finally exclaimed to those on the Bridge, speaking of the Klingons trying to keep luring the Enterprise away from Captain Kirk and the landing party with a second false distress signal, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!"

[scraps66]

Mine threw a microwave off our elevated deck.  threw her phone at me when I served her.  Numerous other occasions did not elevate only because I was cautious and kept my distance.  Can they be, yes.

[spemat]

The more nasty type is.  Most are within a spectrum of both the quiet and the aggressive and loud type but the aggressive types are.  My mom and brother were beatings, attempting to put bleach in an exes tequila bottle and blame me because I get manic.  I was always in fear unless I was manic at the time (I have a history of summer manias but I have had them for more than a year in the past too.)  I made them fearful because I'd wage war and stay up for four days torturing them when they tried to sleep.  I used to wrap up the phones so they couldn't lie and would do whatever I wanted because I didn't think I was manic until the delusions and hallucinations hit at the end.  I wasn't violent but I threatened it liberally and said more than once, "call the nut ward, I burn the house down when you sleep".  

I regret it in my case because that is delusional but I found they never did so I stopped apologizing or showing remorse to them after awhile because they never did toward me and both of them were violent and I just processed the remorse in therapy because I heard every single detail over and over and their abuse didn't end.  Their abuse was more when I was ready to leave or they feel like we are trying to take the focus off of their crisis of the moment.  Also when they drank or partied, they were more apt to be that way.  Holidays too because she'd cook but act all dramatic like she was going to collapse and cry or slam things and if either of us offered to help (more often my brother) it was, "THERE YOU GO MAKING IT ALL ABOUT YOU!" and then turn to me, emotionless and scream "AND YOU DON'T EVEN CARE, IT'S NEVER GOING TO BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!" and then go to her partner at the time and carry on about how she gave birth to Satan's kids and we'd get things thrown at us.  If we left her alone, every other thing out of her mouth for the rest of the day was, "I worked so hard cooking this and none of you are grateful" (she'd direct that at everyone). 

[Mr. Solo]

My dBPDw always hit me out of frustration. It wasn't bad. Maybe 3-4 times in 14 years. But she would hit me and then 10 minutes later be upset, apologize, and be in my arms. The last four years she started really hitting me to hurt me. The last time she hit me (15 months ago?), she whipped me with an iPhone charging chord because I asked her to stay home and hang out with me instead of going clubbing with a few friends (she did this 2-3 times a week).

[ForeverDad]

My ex also used to apologize meekly after a rage.  However, in time her rages got worse, became more frequent and her apologies became fewer and fewer until she didn't apologize any more, instead pressuring me to apologize for anything and everything she perceived as a slight.

Typically the behaviors never stay the same, they either get better (with mindfulness and/or counseling) or get worse.  Since most here report they refuse to seek out help, the typical result for us is that it keeps getting worse and worse.  It's up to us to decide what our limit is, otherwise our boundaries of proper behavior will keep getting pushed and pushed until our boundaries are flattened or pretzel-ized.  Being reasonable, forgiving, nice, etc are too often perceived as a signal of weak boundaries and so our boundaries get attacked, a little at first, but harder and harder as time goes on.

[JAC_flgirl]

Since I blocked him on social media & on my phone, I feel he's now uped the ante.  When I found out he randomly made a facebook page, I asked one of my friends to keep her eye on his page to see who he friend requested.  I blocked him, but felt he was going to do something strange.  Well, he is now friends with some single girlfriends of mine that don't know about his craziness.  I am certain he is going to use them in hopes it gets back to me that he's been with them.  I mean, this particular person is someone that our kids are friends.  I don't know what to think anymore.  Why has he made it such a vendetta? What else is going to happen?

[ForeverDad]

What else is going to happen?

Anything.  Everything.

My ex and I had married and spent our first 8 years together as religious volunteers.  After we had a child and the issues intensified, it became extraordinarily tense, from periodic rants and rages to increased to nearly the entire time.  We separated when she was arrested for Threat of DV.  (The judge later ruled case law applied for whether they were "imminent" threats and so without a weapon in her hands he found her Not Guilty.  Nice to know she could thereafter threaten with impunity.)  Anyway, despite our history, she immediately started making allegations of the only weapon left, child abuse.  When one failed she just made worse ones.  She started with "he let our child's elbow get broken" and ramped it up to indescribable ones that would have sent me to prison if true.  By the way, she started out with temp custody, gained in 30 minutes.  It took 8 years to fix that, gradually she lost credibility with family court and now I have custody.

If there is still joint ownership of anything, whether house, vehicles, whatever, that should be undone and split.

[momtara]

Congrats to you for stopping the engagement.  That takes guts.

There is indeed a spectrum of behaviors, so it's hard to know what he's capable of.  As some have said, when you set boundaries (and try not to engage needlessly) they eventually tire of this.  But you  never know. 

Just don't try to 'get back at him' or anything like that. 

[JAC_flgirl]

What has started this latest revenge bout is he drove past my home late one night, I wasn't home. So he convinced himself of this whole story. That I had been cheating the entire time with someone from my past. None of which is true. Heck, I'm not envolved w anyone now. So in his head (he told me prior to the block), he thinks I've made him out a fool and is seeking revenge. What the heck?

[ForeverDad]

Typically you can't reason with someone who has reached this point in the relationship since the other is not really listening to you.  His inconsistent and erratic moods, feelings, perceptions and preconceived notions rule the other's life.  And it is best not to get into repeated attempts to communicate that are just forms of 'negative engagement'.  He may thrive on it and the delays it causes but you won't.

One option, before you feel forced to go to court to resolve it, is to contact an experienced family law attorney and determine whether it is appropriate for the lawyer to send a polite but firm letter telling him to not contact you and for any shared obligations or ownership to be unwound through communication with the lawyer's involvement or oversight. Often, but not always, a lawyer letter will get the other's attention.  If even the lawyer's level of authority doesn't work then you may have to decide what the risks are of Letting It Go or whether it is best to resolve it in the appropriate court.

[JAC_flgirl]

We have no children together & now no longer own anything together. I have had no contact w him at all. I feel since I have him blocked that this is what is causing him to do other things. We both live in a small town, many mutual friends. So he has resorted to initiating contact w my single friends, single friends that's kids are friends w my kids or bad mouthing me to all that will hear, spreading rumors, ppl are choosing to side w him & alienate me. He's trying whatever means necessary to get to me.

[ForeverDad]

You can't control who he reaches out to or to whom he spins stories.  And filing for libel or slander are usually not practical options.  You have to rely on your history of being a good and reasonably normal person.  In time the truth will become evident - or else they'll show that while they were 'mutual' friends, they're not your 'trusted' friends.  Things like this happen when ending a dysfunctional relationship of this sort, he can't accept closure nor give it to you.  He believes that if he stirs up enough chaos or trouble that you'll weaken your boundary of Contact Is Over.  Odds are he will Move On to another target eventually, how soon, no one can say but if you react it will probably enable him to feel he 'got' to you and continue.

Remember, he's trying to get a reaction or overreaction, doesn't matter what to him as long as he gets one.

What to tell your friends?  There is a variety of thoughts here, generally the less said the better.  It ranges from don't tell them a thing and ignore it all to explaining a bare bones overview of the situation, that the relationship is Over and asking the persons not to get involved.