Adult son

[marie1057]

Hi Everyone. I have a 22 year old son and I believe he may have BPD. He recently moved out but has much trouble with jobs and relationships and harsh judgement. I have read about six books and he seems to fit the description in all ways but cutting. However, he does drink to numb his pain. I have lived with regret because I have blamed myself for his behavior due to guilt for leaving him home alone so much when he was growing up. He has been thru the death of his brother and his father's drinking and my grief and depression. I have read childhood trauma can be a trigger. He is presently on an antidepressant from his primary care physician which isn't helping much but he won't see a mental health professional. I am learning new skills on how to relate to him, validate him and defuse his anger and yes it exhausting but he is my son and I will never give up on him. I am wondering if it would be hurtful to him for me to present a checklist for BPD or give him a book? He mentions to be sometimes that something is wrong with him. He thinks he has anxiety and depression but the BPD diagnosis may be right on and perhaps if he sees himself in the checklist maybe he will have a name to put with what he is feeling. I appreciate any thoughts on how to open the conversation with him so maybe he will get some help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi marie1057,



I'm glad you found the site, and so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. Your S22 is no doubt struggling with his own grief, and like you say, seems to be using alcohol to cope. It's good that you are learning new skills like validation. Has that been working with him?

I know how hard it is to watch your child suffer. My son is 13 and has anxiety, depression, and ADHD. Because his dad is N/BPD, I feel so concerned that S13 will end up dealing with this difficult illness. And like your son, mine also will say he feels something is wrong with him.

Have you read this book? I am Not Sick I Don't Need Help!

I haven't read it but saw some of the reviews looked like it might be useful.

Other members here have asked similar questions, especially about whether to tell a loved one about BPD, and how to approach it (if you do): PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD. There is talk about changing the name to "Emotional Dysregulation" instead of Borderline. Sometimes I wonder if that would make it easier for our loved ones to accept the diagnosis.

Hope you keep posting and let us know how you're doing. These are not easy behaviors to deal with, and definitely not easy to go it alone.



LnL

How are you doin

[marie1057]

I have a copy of that book "I am not Sick" and thank you for your response. I am doing better since I believe I have found an answer to why my son is the way he is. I felt defeated and uncertain what is wrong with him. Now I believe there is hope. DBT therapy looks promising. Perhaps sometime in the future he can learn those skills. I just read another fantastic book called "Hard to Love" and it targets BPD in men. I plan to purchase this hard copy and give it to my son. It explains so well how men are supposed to be strong and handle everything and not feel abandoned or insecure or anxious and how the past memories can trigger these responses. I notice the pattern now in my son. If there is something he needs done and doesn't know how to handle or have confidence in himself to handle and he asks for my help, then he gets so angry but I think it is more self judgment. He will scream you or Dad never taught me how to do that and he is embarrassed for asking me to do it. Such as car maintenance or changing a tire. I am working on not enabling and doing everything for him but assisting and guiding now. This is a major anger trigger for him and causes lots of anxiety when he thinks he can't do something for himself.  Another one is the fear of abandonment. He spent years home alone while we worked and if we go away for the evening or vacation he gets anxious or if we talk about moving for retirement he can't handle it so I don't talk to him about our future retirement at this time. I pray with awareness and learning new skills,one day he will feel less pain and have fulfilling relationships. I have been reading and utilizing this website and board and I am so grateful I found it.

[Kate4queen]

It sounds like you are doing an excellent job in educating yourself and trying to help your son. My BPD son is 23 but I wouldn't suggest the diagnosis to him because it wouldn't help. He'd just start raging at me and suggest I had it. I suspect he might have already been given this diagnosis or something similar but thanks to the great state of California, I'm not allowed to know about his sessions with his psychiatrist even when we paid the bill.

All it does for me is help me deal with him differently. I don't feel I'm the right person to give him the diagnosis-but if your relationship with your son is good and you aren't his 'hate' person, then it could work for you.