Newbie

[Dejasade]

Hello! Newbie here and glad I found the group. I have been struggling for years to figure out what mental disorder my Mother has... .and i've found it- BPD! Quick background: i'm a 33 yr old , female, pregnant with 1st child. I have grown up and have been a part of my mothers madness for 33 years.  I have always known she was severely mentally ill but since becoming pregnant and having my own child on the way it is really starting to get to me. To the point where I am anxious and my bp goes up just hearing her name. And thats not good for me or baby.  Im hoping to get some feedback from this site and maybe get some support. Im also hear to lend an ear or support if needed also.

[Kwamina]

Hi Dejasade

I see you already posted here a few years ago so welcome back! Congrats with the upcoming baby!

I have always known she was severely mentally ill but since becoming pregnant and having my own child on the way it is really starting to get to me. To the point where I am anxious and my bp goes up just hearing her name. And thats not good for me or baby.

Many of our members have struggled with these emotions and thoughts when they were expecting a child. Sometimes because they fear that there mother is gonna try to get involved with their life and how they raise their kids. Another reason for the anxiety is often that people raised by a BPD parent fear that they'll end up the same way and repeat the things that have been done to them. Could you tell us a bit more about why you're getting so anxious? Do you think fear of her (future) involvement and/or fear of becoming just like her could be the cause of your anxiety?

I read in your post from a few years ago that you live 400 miles away from your mother, is this still the case? How often do you see your mother now? Back then you mentioned how her words alone could trigger you like when she sent you an e-mail. I think many of our members can relate to that (I sure know I can!). Unfortunately we can't change our BPD loved ones but I have experienced that by changing our own behavior and reactions towards them, we do change the dynamics of the relationships whether they change or not.

Im hoping to get some feedback from this site and maybe get some support. Im also hear to lend an ear or support if needed also.

I am glad that you're reaching out for support now and trying to take care of your health, especially considering your pregnancy. I am also very pleased that you mention being here to listen to others and offer them support as well. Welcome back to our online community

[Dejasade]

Hi Dejasade

I see you already posted here a few years ago so welcome back! Congrats with the upcoming baby!

I have always known she was severely mentally ill but since becoming pregnant and having my own child on the way it is really starting to get to me. To the point where I am anxious and my bp goes up just hearing her name. And thats not good for me or baby.

Many of our members have struggled with these emotions and thoughts when they were expecting a child. Sometimes because they fear that there mother is gonna try to get involved with their life and how they raise their kids. Another reason for the anxiety is often that people raised by a BPD parent fear that they'll end up the same way and repeat the things that have been done to them. Could you tell us a bit more about why you're getting so anxious? Do you think fear of her (future) involvement and/or fear of becoming just like her could be the cause of your anxiety?

I read in your post from a few years ago that you live 400 miles away from your mother, is this still the case? How often do you see your mother now? Back then you mentioned how her words alone could trigger you like when she sent you an e-mail. I think many of our members can relate to that (I sure know I can!). Unfortunately we can't change our BPD loved ones but I have experienced that by changing our own behavior and reactions towards them, we do change the dynamics of the relationships whether they change or not.

Im hoping to get some feedback from this site and maybe get some support. Im also hear to lend an ear or support if needed also.

I am glad that you're reaching out for support now and trying to take care of your health, especially considering your pregnancy. I am also very pleased that you mention being here to listen to others and offer them support as well. Welcome back to our online community

Hello! After I had written last night, I realized that I was on here a few years back.  I'm not really sure why I had stopped posting!

I think the main reason my anxiety is so high is the fear of BECOMING like her.  My husband constantly tells me I have none of her traits, but I just fear I will make my child feel as bad as I feel around her, around me.  We currently live about 4 hours from her, so it's not like we see her on a daily basis (thankfully!) but she is already meddling about being here for my pregnancy, staying for a while after, etc.  And let me tell you - she does absolutely nothing to help in situations like this.  Quick story: I had surgery last May... .she came down (forced herself) to "help".  En route to my surgery she texted me (she is sitting right next to me in the back, my husband is driving, my dad up front) ":)o yuo know anyone who can get me marijuana?"  I'm on the way to get cut open and she cares about getting high.  And the days that followed, as I was healing, the only thing she did was drink.  So I know that coming down to "help" is going to consist of her A. telling me i'm not doing ANYthing right B. getting a buzz (she is also majorly dependent on prescription drugs, wine and marijuana).

I think another of my problems is not knowing how to act around her.  We went home this past weekend and I was w/ her Friday afternoon thru Saturday afternoon and she constantly tells me all of the problems she has, problems my dad has and that they never should have had children.  How do I respond to that?  I mainly just get kind of quiet around her and then that makes her think 'i'm depressed, I am not happy being pregnant, not happy in my marriage, etc'.  I know none of that is true, but it bothers me that she thinks I feel that way.  Does that make sense?  Do I just ignore it? How do I not let it bother me?

Anyways, there is a lot more to her story but i'm not going to go in to it all now. It would take MONTHS anyways!

Thanks so much for replying and I can't wait to use the board to hopefully heal myself, get tips and help others dealing w/ similar situations.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Dejasade

I must say that some of the things you said in your post and in reply just resonated so deeply with me! For years I used to say "I don't want to become my mother!" like you having a baby seemed to bring things into sharp focus. When my uBPDm moved closer to me at first I was really happy and had all these ideas that things were going to be terrific and my kids would have a grandma like I never had (both my grandmothers detested me) but like you, I actually got into quite depressive states at times dealing with the irritating, selfish and PAINFUL behaviour.

Let me assure you right now that because you are aware of what she does and you are aware of how much you dislike it the chances of you becoming like her are nil! The better you educate yourself about her condition the more you will be able to see that you already seem to have an antipathy toward that behaviour.

Being as honest as I can and without meaning any offence is it possible that you have codependency issues with her?

often when we are enmeshed with our mothers we seem to lose our normal boundaries and put up with behaviour we wouldn't tolerate in other people.

Dejasade does she have some kind of hold on you?

Mine certainly does. i am gradually untying the knots but it is hard work and quite draining. Plus I feel sad that I am losing the idealised image I had of her for all these years.

There is something about pregnancy and having kids that brings things into sharp focus... Both for you AND for her.

She may well feel she is losing control and that you are 'getting away' from  her. It can be extremely threatening to pwBPD when their child has major life events. And pregnancy can trigger even deeper feelings of the threat of abandonment.

In my case I certainly felt like my mother was resentful of me taking away the mothering I had given her for 35 years and giving it to my baby. on top of that were all the 'hifalutin' ways I had of parenting which weren't HER way so were invariably wrong.

As I have been firmer in my conviction that I don't want to raise my kids the way I was raised the more threatened she has become.

Anyway i am glad you expressed your story and that you are enthusiastic about recovery and healing.

you might take a look at the codependency issue and see if it applies for you.

You also might want to review the styles in which BPD mothers can surface to remind and prepare yourself for future interactions with her. I'll post the links.

Article 13: Codependency: When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.0

Would love to hear your thoughts on this and what you see as the next step to take to improve your feelings and feel more in control of your life

best wishes

Ziggiddy

[Dexter0420]

Hello, there!  I had the same fears (and continue to at times) that I would end up like my mother and my kids would be the ones to suffer for it.  Although I feel at times that I could have some of my mother's traits, I make a concerted effort NOT to be like her.  I don't belittle my kids or make them feel like they aren't important.  I don't involve them in adult situations like my mother so often did - who am I kidding, still does with me.  I spend time with them one-on-one (I don't recall ever having mother/daughter time growing up... .no salon, lunch, shopping - nothing).  I could go on, but in the end I'm choosing not to be like her.  I realize I have some issues I do need to work on and I am being proactive by seeing a therapist. I'm also reading the Surviving a Borderline Parent and I have found myself saying, "Wow, that explains so much" on multiple occasions. 

Good luck with your new baby and if your mom coming is going to bring stress to your life when you don't need it, find a way to tell her no.

[Dejasade]

Hi Ziggiddy -

Thank you for replying! It is so refreshing to hear others in similar situations.  Not that i'd wish a BPD parent on anyone, but it's still nice to hear other stories, tips to deal, etc.

You asked about codependency and control.  She most definitely has some sort of 'control' over me.  I'm assuming it's just a learned behavior on my end, from the years and years of growing up like this.  She has said the nastiest things to and about me, but yet I let it go... .I forgive her, continue to phone her, etc.  My husband thinks I am crazy some times, but is beginning to understand where I am coming from.

That being said, you hit the nail on the head when you said she is losing control of ME.  Life changes have ALWAYS been a major thing for her.  She had a nervous breakdown at my sisters wedding, told me for weeks leading up to mine "I wasn't happy, didn't want to be married, etc".  The only reason she was somewhat sane at mine was b/c it was a small affair, non denominational, on the beach, no reception.  - she has NO people skills whatsoever, so crowds and being around people make her uncomfortable.

I know this is horrible to say, but I find her to be one of the most vile human beings that I know and I will do just about anything to not end up like her.

Thank you for the readings.  I am getting on that now!  If you'd ever like to PM, i'm hear to listen to you vent too.

Thank you!