Is this even legal?

[ObviouslyOblivious]

This is less a Family Court question and more an ethical one.  (You can read the longer version of my saga here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=236004.0 )

A month ago I discovered that uBPDh had absconded with everything in our joint savings account, cleaned out the safety deposit box (almost $300k) and changed the direct-deposit from his job to a new secret account he had set up three months earlier.  I had been noticing that the amount in our account was falling at an alarming rate, but he assured me it was just a glitch in the direct-deposit system at work.  When I kept asking him to check on it week after week, he was "in the middle of something right now" or out of town, but he would investigate what the problem was when he had a chance.  I was in near-panic mode when the balance didn't even come close to the bills that were due in the coming weeks, yet he was nonchalant about it.  "Oh, right, I'll check on that when I have time" is not the appropriate response to missing tens of thousands of dollars. 

Suddenly the light-bulb moment struck me.  I don't know why I thought of it, but I asked him as he was packing for another business trip, ":)o you have a secret bank account that I don't know about?"  His reply, "Yes."  And I asked him, ":)id you change your direct deposit to go into that account?"  His reply, "Yes."  My knees almost buckled.  Where in the world did this drastic step come from?  Things were fine between us, I thought.  Sure, there have been thousands of BPD crazy insinuations and accusations over the last 25 years, but I thought we were getting along pretty well lately.  I was floored.

And then he dropped the real bombshell:  "I got a separate safety deposit box, too.  I cleaned out the old box and put everything into my box to keep it safe."  Holy cow!  I never even suspected such a thing.  After some arguing and tears on my part, he said he had to catch an early flight and needed to go to bed.  The next day I took the key to the bank and tried to get into the SDB.  The key didn't work.  The bank employee tried and tried, and called others in to try.  Nope.  Then the bank manager revealed that uBPDh had put in a work order for a lost key and had the locks drilled out and new ones installed several months earlier.  The date?  My birthday.  That very evening he had taken me out to dinner to celebrate and had been so loving and sweet, only hours after such a dastardly deed.  For months he had been pretending to be loving and sweet while cleaning out our life savings and my personal possessions behind my back.  Gut punch.

He says he doesn't want a divorce and hasn't talked to a lawyer "yet," but he said if I ever wanted to see my things again I needed to start showing him some appreciation.  Sure, I say the words all the time, "Thank you for working so hard."  "We appreciate all you do for us."  "Thanks for being such a great dad to the boys."  But he said I needed to SHOW appreciation.  With sex.  Not the same old boring sex, but spicy, exciting, different sex.  And whenever he wanted it.  I feel like I'm being blackmailed, and it's degrading, demeaning and disgusting.  He says he needed to shock me into the realization that every single thing I have is thanks to him, and I'd better start learning to be more grateful.  (Sidebar:  A good chunk of that $$ and those assets came from BOTH of us working and saving, and most of the jewelry was mine long before we ever got married.)

He's been away on several trips since I discovered the truth (gone 19 of the last 30 days), but when he's here, he acts as if nothing ever happened.  He laughs, jokes with the boys, asks what I want to do for our 25th anniversary in a couple of weeks. And he expects me to drop everything when he wants to head to the bedroom.  I feel used, abused, manipulated and held hostage.  I know we're married, but is this even legal?  I've asked several times for him just to give me my jewelry back and we can split the other assets 50-50, but he says no.  He's going to hold on to everything for now and "see how things go."  Unfortunately, all I have is a handwritten list, an inventory of what was in the SDB, but according to the bank, he's within his legal right to take whatever was in there.  I've been told that since I can't prove that list is a valid accounting of what was in the box, I will probably never see those items again.  My motto for over three decades has been, "This, too, shall pass."  But I'm not so sure about this one.

[david]

Get a small recorder and have conversations with him on tape. Get him to admit all the things he did and talk to an atty. If he admits he will return your things for sex I think that is illegal in most states.

[Nope]

I have a pretty strong opinion of what that is. My advice is to take David's advice. Also pill together every shred of documentation you can get your hands on that shows how much money was ever invthe account. How big his p as paycheck deposits were, etc. Pull together very last bit of financial evidence you possibly can. And hold on to that unofficial list of what was in the box because just because it isn't provable doesn't mean you can't at least ask for it. Also pull together any pictures you have of yourself wearing said jewelry.

The problem with your situation is that this likely won't pass. It was cold, premeditated, and is getting him exactly what he wants. Why should he put the money back or guve access to the new account or box? He's been crystal clear with you that his only concern is what benefits him.

He hasn't spoken to an attorney yet, but you need to.

[Iforget]

And according to my attorney, VA, nothing he did was illegal.

Get an attorney now.  The law is not on your side.  Things will probably get worse.  You need an attorney that know about high conflict divorce.  Start collecting documents of EVERYTHING.  Even if you can't imagine why you would need it, get a copy, and hide the papers some wheres not at home that he can't access.  You need three years of checking, savings, tax returns, etc... .

[ObviouslyOblivious]

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I have talked to a JAG rep and since we've been married so long I'm eligible for half his pay, half his retirement, half his benefits, insurance coverage and other benefits. So I won't starve. While he's been out of town this time I've copied tax records, bank records, mortgage documents, life insurance policies, military service and pay records, car titles (his motorcycle title was nowhere to be found), and everything I could think of that might be important. 

I hate planning for the end, but this is such a cold, calculated move that I can't help but think he himself is planning for the end. It pains me that I was so unsuspecting and allowed myself to be blindsided in such a profound financial coup. I don't want to be in it "just for the money," as he accuses me. Still, that is representative of a lifetime of scrimping and saving to put together a decent nest egg. 

Recorder is already on order, and I've a couple of discussions captured on my phone (this is a one-party state for recording conversations). I appreciate you all taking the time to offer your opinions on the matter.

[GaGrl]

You mention a JAG consultation.  Is he currently active military?  Not now, but when you are ready to make the "request" that he rectify the situation, it would probably be in his best interest that he NOT have his commander involved in what he's done. 

[ObviouslyOblivious]

I concur. Nobody knows any of this but one of my closest friends (and I'd never shared any of his BPD behavior/rages/actions with her before, so she was aghast). I do not want to get him in any trouble at his job (DOD) or reveal anything that might cause him to lose his security clearance. I don't want retaliation; I just want fair. (I know, I know.) He was 32 years AD and is now reserves. JAG gave me some advice but said they couldn't handle a case since he's not currently active duty. He'll be eligible to retire in 2 years, but with 3 kids in college, that may not be the best idea since his income would be cut in half at that point. I don't want to bankrupt us with drawn-out contentious litigation, but I don't want to be a doormat, either. Best plan for right now is, I think, to hope for the best while diligently planning for the worst.

[ForeverDad]

Documentation - Gather all you can and keep it safe.  Safe means in location(s) he cannot access either physically or electronically.  Sorry, but briefcases, trunks, office cabinets and "mutual" friends are not safe from a determined person willing to use a hammer, crowbar or lies.

Recording - These days recording is easy to do with many devices (I've even seen ads for PenCams that can also write) and courts are more and more tolerant of it.  And you need it since he is clearly an accomplished liar and accuser to blame and shift blame.  You need proof that he can't be trusted to tell the truth.  While the professionals in court may not hold his feet to the fire, it will at least support your case that he's purposely hiding assets and trying to place you at a disadvantage.  Whether he is doing all this to hide assets or to control you is moot - domestic courts usually don't care whether a person has a personality disorder or not - he has done what he has done.  You either acquiesce through passivity or inaction or you choose to put an end to it.  Sadly, there's no place in between, not for long, he'll find ways to keep pushing your boundaries.  If/when you record, be sure to keep it in the background, you don't want to shove a device or microphone in his face.

What else has he done? - Side thought, he takes frequent business trips, there's more he may be hiding from you than just money and possessions, he may not be faithful to you.  Many people with acting-out PDs have ongoing short term or long term relationships or have their next object of affection already lined up.  His recent demands for you to be his sexx object make me think that risk is high.

Entitlement & Control - He could also have traits of NPD - Narcissism - since he has convinced himself he has outsmarted you.  I agree with the others, he is unlikely to change of his own volition.  And if you managed to force him to change or relent, it wouldn't last.  Sadly, the Trust has been crushed, from a practical standpoint on multiple issues the marriage has to be unwound.

Interrogations & Information Sharing - If you were trying to rescue the relationship then reasonable sharing would be crucial for success.  But it's the opposite when you contemplate your options including divorce.  You have a right not to be interrogated or forced to disclose confidential information such as divorce options and strategies.

Computer security - Access to peer support here is through computers.  Please don't access here through computers he has access to either electronically or physically, in case he has installed spyware or knows how to dig into the computer files.  We don't want him to be tracking your computer use or viewing your browsing history and emails.

From the FAQs:  Could I be found out?

[whirlpoollife]

Sounds like he is planning his exit.  I would consult with a few attorneys asap. Time to protect yourself.

As for getting the documentations  take more than you think you should , don't be nice about it.

If it's online, banking,  print it out or change the passwords . Again not on any computer he has access to.

The banks can print it out too.  Checking account registers need to be saved also. 

A storage locker is a good place to store the information. Hide the key.

I was married 27 yrs. ( still going thru the divorce process) I relate to the emotions of , this too shall pass.

And I relate to the sex on demand , it was orders, not love.  I was his right etc. only to be demeaned after.       He sounds very deceitful and proud of it.

Look up the "power and control wheel".  I'm sure you will see much of what he is doing.

For you own safety don't  let him know you on onto him. He is not going to change.

You deserve better in life.

Keep posting, the help here will benefit you greatly.

[david]

And this may be the hardest thing to do is to behave the same way you have always behaved. Don't give any clues that you are protecting yourself.

Make sure all recording,documents, etc are completely safe. My ex literally emptied our house when she left. She took the toilet paper holders from all three bathrooms, every electrical outlet cover in the house (there were 47 in total). I was completely shocked that someone could do that to someone else. Nothing my ex does now shocks me.

[ForeverDad]

And I relate to the sex on demand, it was orders, not love.  I was his right etc. only to be demeaned after.  He sounds very deceitful and proud of it.

My ex literally used the word sex but I always viewed it as love, that was the chasm between us.  It hurt back then, but my ex too used sexx as a four-letter weapon, leading me on with "Tonight... ." but somehow during the day either she got mad at me or she did something that just turned me off.  So intimacy became very rare.  Toward the end she made it all about the conflict.  I recall one rage where she vented, "I feel like a prostitute, I should get paid!"  I remember thinking to myself, "Then you sure won't earn much."

Look up the "power and control wheel".  I'm sure you will see much of what he is doing.

For you own safety don't  let him know you on onto him. He is not going to change.

You deserve better in life.

Keep posting, the help here will benefit you greatly.

Frankly, he's had 25 years to improve, if he hasn't improved after all this time then I agree with whirlpoollife, there's no point in giving him more time to continue showing his colors - and may put you at a greater disadvantage.

[Indyan]

- domestic courts usually don't care whether a person has a personality disorder or not

It depends. He might be for example a case of "brief psychotic disorder" (delirium) in which case tutorship can be asked for.

Is he "sane" (calm, NPD traits) or delirious?

His sudden Sultan-like demands could come from a "delusion of grandeur", which is a psychotic symptom.

I'm not saying that's the case, but if it was, the option of proving he has a mental disorder shouldn't be discarded.

Is he being followed by a psychiatrist?

In any case, asking one about existing resorts my turn out useful.

[livednlearned]

Hi ObviouslyOblivious,

So much of your story is like mine. My ex accused me of trying to poison him, the mask coming off the day after the wedding, and accusations I was having affairs with men I barely remembered meeting. Professors in my grad school who were 30 years older than me? My dermatologist? I stopped having eye contact with men because I noticed that seemed to trigger him. If I bumped into my friend's husbands out running errands, I changed the pronoun to "she" when talking about it to avoid triggering rages about my whoring behavior 

Do you think it's possible your H is having an affair? The business travel, then setting up separate bank accounts, and demanding sex. Sometimes BPD sufferers project what they themselves are doing in order to deal with the negative feelings. Far easier to put it on you than work through it themselves. Not sure you are thinking about divorce, but in some states, having a "paramour" falls under "alienation of affection" laws. In my state, if there is proof a paramour exists, you can even sue the paramour.

Another thought is to hire a forensic financial investigator. Put together a good timeline of everything so you have dates. The details can be hard to remember if things escalate. There is a reason he made a grab for everything, and it's probably not just to coerce you into hot spicy sex.

My ex started to exhibit psychosis. I had no idea what it was at the time, and it's worth talking to a good therapist or psychiatrist so you can learn to spot it. I used to think it was something very obvious, but psychosis can often fly under the radar. And the person experiencing psychosis often has no clue that his thinking is seriously impaired. My ex's psychosis was often tied to bizarre paranoia with conspiracy theories I could never follow.

Staying for the kids is always a tough one. If it helps at all, leaving N/BPDx husband liberated my son and lifted a 3000-lb rock off his tiny 10-year-old shoulders. Don't assume you know what is best for your kids. Sometimes, all they want is for you to stand up for yourself.

Do some research. Keep asking questions and meeting with lawyers until you have a plan and know exactly what you need to do. Don't tip your hand, and don't underestimate how your ability to survive all these years has made you a strong and resilient, resourceful woman.



LnL

[ObviouslyOblivious]

Thank you for all the suggestions and advice. It is such a relief just knowing so many others have been-there-done-that and can offer guidance based on experience. I've got a to-do list now and a plan of action. To be honest, he's been quite friendly lately, acting as if nothing is wrong, and I feel a bit guilty posting our dirty little secrets to a bunch of strangers. Then I recall the bizarre events and look at the proof I've been gathering, and the evidence of malice and forethought is overwhelming.

For the record, he's on this latest 10-day trip with our eldest. It's the "senior trip" he's been promising to take with him for the last five years. So I don't think there's a woman in the shadows. His other business trips seem to be legitimate enough, as he teaches classes around the country for the fedguv. So I don't suspect a mistress, but I will be watching for clues.

Again, I appreciate you taking the time to help out a fellow non struggling to make sense of the nonsensical. 

[whirlpoollife]

To be honest, he's been quite friendly lately, acting as if nothing is wrong, and I feel a bit guilty posting our dirty little secrets to a bunch of strangers.

Then why did he move money and the items from the safe deposit box? 

Many years ago I started writing a journal on his behaviors.  Then I would feel guilty and throw the pages away. I felt ashamed for thinking that something just wasn't quite right in my marriage . I blamed myself . What I wanted was a normal marriage so I would convince myself I had one.

I feel you are in the FOG right now. That is Fear, Obligation, Guilt. 

Strangers , because you are new.  But please don't feel that way, look at it as peer support. 

[ForeverDad]

In relationships in every category of life there are things to keep confidential.  Keeping secrets when one person is behaving poorly, however, enables further poor behaviors and makes it that much harder to resolve the issues.

You are very concerned about his work, his income, the college expenses, appearances, etc.  In the final analysis they're basically not the most important things in life.  Ponder your priorities.  Ponder how you've been impacted.  Ponder how your children have been impacted, they can't have escaped unscathed or uninfluenced.  Even if it is worse only now, they've grown up in a family dynamic that was dysfunctional to some extent, where one parent was a controller and the other parent an appeaser of sorts.  Have you found an experienced counselor who can address the impacts of PD-controlled relationships?