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Author Topic: Side effects mental/physical during rs with pBPD  (Read 8501 times)
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« on: October 29, 2014, 04:52:13 PM »

I started getting more and more unhealthy during mt r/s with my xBPDbf.

- I was getting sleep deprived

- I was having a drink more often to 'calm my nerves' (I even rarely drink social, let alone to calm down)

- But most of all; i was feeling anxious all the time. I had this feeling that he could abandon the relationship any moment if i would say/do something that was not what he wanted to hear/see and that if i wasn't there the minute he needed me he would replace me. I felt like i had to be on call 24/7 at his service. The anxiety was killing me.

Any others felt like that?
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willtimeheal
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« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2014, 05:21:11 PM »

Felt lime that all the time. If I was out with friends I know  I would come home to a wrath of crap... .accusations of cheating and what not. I always tried about being replaced. I remember her phone would beep and I would think who is that. She would say it was no one but as time went on I learned she always had a back up. The anxiety when we were together was tough and during detaching it is tough too.
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« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2014, 05:26:51 PM »

Yep the constant living on edge, the constant threath of yet another rage, the constant unsafe feeling kept my stress levels really high for 2 years. I've had anxiety attacks, racing heart, fainting, headaches, fatique, etc. I ended up with a burn out. 2,5 month past break up and almost all symptoms are gone. NC is a big help!
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Pingo
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« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2014, 05:42:26 PM »

I can totally relate!  About 6 mths in to our r/s I got quite ill.  I thought it was due to stress but since I had been under huge stress when I met him I just chalked it up to everything.  I slowly got better but in the process I started having a chronic stomach ache.  Went through a battery of tests and found nothing.  I literally had a stomach ache for 2 yrs!  Then I started having a nervous tic in my belly.  I've had them before, they usually come and go, not lasting more than a few weeks... .Well 2 yrs later I still have it!  It drives me bonkers but is a constant reminder why I HAD to get out of the r/s!  I am hoping with time it'll settle down, I definitely think I'm dealing with some PTSD. 
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pieceofme
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« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2014, 06:11:18 PM »

But most of all; i was feeling anxious all the time. I had this feeling that he could abandon the relationship any moment if i would say/do something that was not what he wanted to hear/see and that if i wasn't there the minute he needed me he would replace me. I felt like i had to be on call 24/7 at his service. The anxiety was killing me.

i couldn't have said it better myself!

I always tried about being replaced. I remember her phone would beep and I would think who is that.

same! my ex's phone was constantly buzzing with text messages. he always kept it face down so i couldn't see the screen.

i also had a terrible onset of acne the last few months of my r/s. being under a constant fear of attack - his rages or being harassed by his mother or cyber bullied by his ex - really increased my stress levels. i felt like i was constantly living in fear, always looking over my shoulder.

i'm currently 31 days NC and my acne has completely cleared up. it's amazing the way stress manifests itself.
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« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2014, 06:21:44 PM »

1st year was good, but lived with the constant threat of treat me special or lose me threats. Also the bimonthly come to jesus meetings of what i was doing wrong. Felt anxious, felt ashamed and guilty. Then i was slowly being painted black. Got to the point I would get nervous when i heard her ring tone. Her texts became less, where she would always say good morning first, slowly she deviated from it. It was a mental hell. I took care of her with her BS fibromyalgia and emergency xanax runs, her adhd, but when I was sick or injured i was made fun of and called old. Still get anxiety about it.
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« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2014, 06:24:59 PM »

1. Stress and lack of concentration

2. Anxiety

3. FOG

4. 2 years in Depression. Missed 2-1/2 months of work. Wanted to be done with life.

5. Paranoid. Followed her towards the end

6. I became her the last 6 months

7. Part of me died inside

8. Self esteem went from super high before we dated to almost none at all

9. I became afraid of making decisions

10. I was convinced to abandon my friends, family and almost my children.

11. Desperate, needy and pathetic

12.  I became angry and wanted to destroy her reputation right after we ended.

13.  I wanted revenge almost at any cost after it ended.

14.  When we went NC my concentration totally returned, but I was inhumanly sad and grieving

15. FOG lifted largely around 1st month and I became aware of how depressed I truly was.

16. Realized how attached to her I was. Definitely trauma bonding/PTSD I am sure to some degree.

17.  Emotional. Cried a lot for first 6 months of NC. Movies, TV shows would make me cry!

18.  My guilt about considering dating other women lifted at around month 8 of NC

19  Today at month 13 I am recovering well but still get triggered.  I still don't see myself ever dating again but I do have moments that make me realize this will change Smiling (click to insert in post) Still a part of me is missing.  

20. I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel!

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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #7 on: October 29, 2014, 06:50:12 PM »

Yes 2014. I wasn't sleeping. I was drinking too much. I was extremely anxious. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Walking on the proverbial eggshells. Running myself ragged trying to meet his every need. Be there for him constantly, in every way. Guess why he dumped me for the second time In?  Because I was a "selfish b___".
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« Reply #8 on: October 29, 2014, 07:14:09 PM »

Yep, problems sleeping. Lots of anxiety. Lots of fear of saying and doing the wrong thing. Stomach troubles from hell. Becoming somebody that I do not even recognize. Still with him but am working on trying to figure out how to detach and leave. I see a lot of the same symptoms in my kids, especially the anxiety.
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« Reply #9 on: October 29, 2014, 07:25:28 PM »

Day 20 NC for me. I received a text from her yesterday.  It is amazing as soon as I saw that number my anxiety and stress level shot through the roof. Today I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from trying to wrap my brain around why she would text me.  She has her new supply or at least that is what she is telling everyone.  I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I know I will never understand it. I just know when I was with her I was depressed anxious and a mess and now detaching from her I am depressed anxious and a mess. I am hoping to find that person I was before this mess once again... .and hopefully this time I am a little smarter about who I let into my life.
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« Reply #10 on: October 29, 2014, 07:47:16 PM »

My hair started falling out in a particular spot on the side of my head! I put it down to some medication I was on, so I stopped, but it happened again later, it had never happened before in my life, and never since. I didn't think someone could actually make your hair fall out.

Yep and also the constant anxiety, towards the end of relationship I reckon I was acting like someone would to the person that captured and imprisoned them. I was quiet when she came in, made sure to smile, tip toed around her, constantly watching her behaviour, and worrying what I might do to set her off.



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« Reply #11 on: October 29, 2014, 07:48:04 PM »

16. Realized how attached to her I was. Definitely trauma bonding/PTSD I am sure to some degree.

I realized that also. Since this is an attachment disorder. Are these people as attached to us a much as we are to them? Even though they repress it and act like they don't want us anymore. I would think that they are attached to us as much as we are to them. I would think that with each subsequent replacement that they would get worse and worse from repressing the intense feelings that we nons actually have to process. All of the years of losing attachments has to eventually catch up with them somehow down the road.
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« Reply #12 on: October 30, 2014, 03:27:48 AM »

It is amazing as soon as I saw that number my anxiety and stress level shot through the roof.

If my ex called I really think I'd have an heart attack. And if I met her I would faint right there on the spot. Smiling (click to insert in post) She's on a vacation not so far from me right now, it stresses me out so badly. I felt sick when i realized she was "nearby" (on the same continent Smiling (click to insert in post)). It made her into a real person again, and I both fear and hope she will show up here.

During the RS I was so anxious. Always afraid it could end any minute or that she would commit suicide. So I became more and more passive. Afraid to do the wrong things. At one point I got temporary burned out to the point where my mom moved in with me for a week because I couldn't do the most basic things.
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« Reply #13 on: October 30, 2014, 03:32:34 AM »

Sleep deprivation to the point of getting 90 minutes to 2 hours per night was pretty standard

Lost weight to the point that at the start of the RS I was slightly chubby and I went down to being quite underweight and visable ribs and no clothes fit anymore

Stress so bad that I almost lost my job and damaged my reputation that will take months to recover

Concentration on anything apart from her being completely shot.  

Depression and anxiety

Eventual nervous breakdown and ptsd symptoms and ended up in counselling

Pushed away basically all my friends and family

She did a pretty good job of demolishing me inside of 6 months.  
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« Reply #14 on: October 30, 2014, 03:52:20 AM »

I started becoming consumed by anxiety. I'd have a sinking feeling in my stomach sometimes just coming home and I'd remember taking a deep breath often before walking through the door. God, what BS I had to go through... .in my own home.

I remember a specific instance where I got quite sick with the flu... .it took me substantially longer to recover because I was so run down, but I remember a particular day when I felt really bad and my ex slammed me while I was down... .she didn't give a s**t about the fact that I was really sick, it was all about her feelings. When I look back it was very common for her to slam me while I was down or at my weakest.

Strangely as I write this I realise I'm actually having quite a tough day, I miss her immensely today even though I recall all the crazy s**t I went through. I really do miss the good in her, and there was a lot of good underneath the sickness.

But yes, whenever I've received messages/emails from her recently I've had such a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach, it is really unhealthy. I've now blocked her everywhere... .I'm healing and trying to get on with my life.

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ATLandon
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« Reply #15 on: October 30, 2014, 09:49:16 AM »

Yes! I'm finally getting real with myself now that I'm planning to leave and have realized how badly I have let this relationship affect my health.

-I stopped exercising regularly and gained about 40 pounds.

-I started drinking heavily and regularly. I'm now in AA and working on my sobriety.

-Sleep deprivation (this is getting better with sobriety)

-Anxiety like I have never experienced before in my entire life

-Tense/Always walking on eggshells

-Depressed for a few years after extreme manipulation and isolation from family and friends

-Stomach ulcers from stress

-Stopped going to the dentist or regular check ups

Granted, I have overcome almost all of those issues, and the ones that have not been attended to yet will be in the near future. Its just so crazy how physically devastating emotional abuse can be.
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« Reply #16 on: October 30, 2014, 11:25:22 AM »

Wow! I can relate to so many of these side effects. My strongest memory was the racing heart at the thought of being slightly late for her or another text, migraines through lack of sleep from being woken up to comfort her in the middle of the night (tearful shaking episodes which could switch off in an instant), tight chest raising my voice higher which disappeared once I left, constantly kept in a mental spin and if I had an obvious free moment she would give me something to do and be cross if I was then making her late. I'm a quiet person but like to laugh and have fun. My opinions were ground down, too often saying the wrong thing, my suggestions declined abruptly and inexplicable raging on her part so I went very quiet and compliant which angered her even more as I was no longer taking the lead. Then the constant push/pull threats of breaking up left me anxious and confused.

Now 3 months clear she still sends me a thought for the day email every day to my work address, just a loaded quote, and I am able to share these with my friends and family which helps dissipate the feelings. I am left with a twitching right eye which I guess is stress related. It annoys me as she had this too and it reminds me of her.

I left the relationship after trying to understand a major gas lighting incident and she cannot accept it is over. Silence for a month and she is now sending emails to all my family and friends saying that I am depressed, don't know what I'm doing so to be aware of my change in character and that I might be suicidal. So anxiety and headaches continue but it feels good to be away from her despite the residue guilt of leaving.
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« Reply #17 on: October 30, 2014, 11:30:14 AM »

I started drinking more very early in the relationship, and reached a fevor pitch to where I was drinking myself to passing out 5 nights a week by the end. Sleeped poorly, gained weight, always tired, not energy, diminished sex drive... all from depression
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« Reply #18 on: November 01, 2014, 05:36:58 AM »

When we were together I had constant stomach issues ... things she would say... .feeling of egg shells... And after thebbreak up a month later I needed an emergency gall bladder removal ... almost died from blood loss... Since I've begun attempting to move on I find them more infrequent and even though I love and miss her that the more I learn and comunicate  with others I feel a Lil better ... also headaches irregular body temperature... I think I had developed Clair cognizance in which I just know things... like how the relationship would end ... .the fact there was someone else... .the fact she gave away the dog we adopted together the only thing that hasn't happened yet is the recycle attempt which although I'm not certain about I can sense coming at some point.I've heard it said that they do come back even if its to establish a backup or see where ur at... Long story short still have some digestive issues but as I am no longer driven mad By the developments. I do still think about her all the time but the urge to try and convince her it was me and agree with her demands has left which in my eyes represents small progress.
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« Reply #19 on: November 01, 2014, 07:00:13 AM »

By the end of the RS

I was drinking myself till passing out 5x a week

Not sleeping well

Depressed... no motivation, energy or sex drive

I had some stress related eye twitch thing that was going on all the time

Anxiety

Over eating...   combined with drinking I gained about 30lbs in 2 months

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« Reply #20 on: November 01, 2014, 08:26:47 PM »

Hi 2014.

I have never been the same since I met my fateful ex.  I still have trouble identifying what it is that has so changed inside of me, but something clearly has.  When she finally left, as she inevitably must, something died inside of me.  I am still laboring to put the pieces of my shattered life back together, but I am a permanently changed man.

I became consumed with her caretaking to the utter abandonment of all else.  I sacrificed myself trying to save her from herself.  I caused tremendous harm to my career, my finances, my other relationships in life, and above all myself.  The constant stress, anxiety, and fear involved in this effort destroyed my health and my sanity.  I offered myself up to her - everything that I had.  I gave her my total and absolute devotion hoping that my complete self sacrifice would buy her deliverance.  In the end, it wasn't enough, and it never could have been.

I have spent the past year descending into the blackest depression of my life.  I became hospitalized and had to take a lengthy medical leave from my job to begin to sift through the wreckage of my life.  I have never felt so defeated, so lonely, and so destroyed as I felt in the aftermath of her leaving.  I am still struggling to repair the catastrophic damage done in my vain attempt to save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

I have lost my belief in true love.  I have had to face the reality that love does not in fact conquer all.  That some problems have no solution.  I have had to accept that sometimes what appears to be love is not love at all, and that it can be extremely difficult to discern the two.  This has been bitter medicine and it has left me a far more cynical man.

-I gained a good 20 pounds during our relationship from the relentless stress

-I lost 30 pounds in the first few months after she left from the crushing depression and despair

-My blood pressure soared to dangerous new highs from the stress and I required new medication to control it.  I am still on these

-I was laid off from my job during our relationship and likely could have kept it if I had not had so many attendance issues in dealing with her constant crises.

-I spent all of my savings and went thousands and thousands of dollars into debt trying to get her the healthcare and psychiatric care she needed

-I was so addicted to being with her that I cut also everyone else out of my life

-I became paranoid and terrified of upsetting her and thus enduring another lengthy silent treatment even as I could see no reason or pattern in her behavior

-My mental health deteriorated badly in the relationship and I was on numerous new medications to try and keep functioning.  I was terrified of not being able to keep it together to be able to care for her.

-I had a a full blown psychiatric episode after our breakup and my preexisting mental disorders have been severely worsened

-I have incurred thousands of dollars in treatment expenses trying to recover

-I have never been the same
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MrConfusedWithItAll
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« Reply #21 on: November 02, 2014, 02:16:37 AM »

I think having  parents with personality disorders sort of immunises you to much of the damage that can be done. It can make such a rs seem normal.  The real damage was post bu.  Mainly depression.  Seems to be lifting now. I still miss her every day.  Two months NC and I think she must be getting the message because I haven't had a text from her in almost three weeks.
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« Reply #22 on: November 02, 2014, 03:23:28 AM »

I think having  parents with personality disorders sort of immunises you to much of the damage that can be done. It can make such a rs seem normal.  The real damage was post bu.  Mainly depression.  Seems to be lifting now. I still miss her every day.  Two months NC and I think she must be getting the message because I haven't had a text from her in almost three weeks.

Yeah I kind of agree.

When we were together she certainly would do and say things that I know were not acceptable and designed to hurt me,  but to be honest none of that stuff really got to me.

I have to be honest,  the night terrors she had were a bit of an issue but I didn't really care I just wished I could get some more sleep than I did. But that was the only real issue


The first 4-5 months we were together my general state actually improved,  I had a lot more energy and motivation. It was when she devalued me and sacked up with my replacement that got to me,  followed by not leaving me alone and the constant push pull "I want you but can't leave him".

I had weeks of that before I finally told her to leave me alone for good and then she went full retard.

That period of push pull was the worst time of my life. Just sat there waiting,  wondering,  confused.  Every time the phone rang or I heard a car outside thinking it was going to be her coming back.

Ruined me.
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« Reply #23 on: November 02, 2014, 03:35:27 AM »

I think having  parents with personality disorders sort of immunises you to much of the damage that can be done. It can make such a rs seem normal.  The real damage was post bu.  Mainly depression.  Seems to be lifting now. I still miss her every day.  Two months NC and I think she must be getting the message because I haven't had a text from her in almost three weeks.

Yeah I kind of agree.

When we were together she certainly would do and say things that I know were not acceptable and designed to hurt me,  but to be honest none of that stuff really got to me.

I have to be honest,  the night terrors she had were a bit of an issue but I didn't really care I just wished I could get some more sleep than I did. But that was the only real issue


The first 4-5 months we were together my general state actually improved,  I had a lot more energy and motivation. It was when she devalued me and sacked up with my replacement that got to me,  followed by not leaving me alone and the constant push pull "I want you but can't leave him".

I had weeks of that before I finally told her to leave me alone for good and then she went full retard.

That period of push pull was the worst time of my life. Just sat there waiting,  wondering,  confused.  Every time the phone rang or I heard a car outside thinking it was going to be her coming back.

Ruined me.

This was my situation exactly.  I could not figure out why she was still texting me while sleeping with my replacement.  My reasoning was telling me she must still have feelings for me and maybe I just pushed her into replacing me.  But of course I was just being kept on the back burner in case it failed with my replacement.  It is sickening to me to be devalued in such a way. But I am a fighter.  My old self is coming back.  She has no self to reclaim. 
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« Reply #24 on: November 02, 2014, 04:41:04 AM »

Mr confused,  my thoughts were identical to you.

She kept saying that she still loved me and that we could rekindle in the future and my response was like no,  you need to decide me or him.

She of course blamed things that I had done as to why she had got with him, looking back I didn't do anything but at the time I was so depressed,  gaslit and suggestable that I actually thought I had done things wrong and that I had let her down,  and that just made me even worse.

I thought well yeah I must have pushed her into his arms.  But the constant "I miss you" and all of that made me think well she must still care,  she's just confused.

I asked her so many times to just tell me the truth because none of this makes any sense,  and then she would play the victim and cry and tell me she was so depressed etc.

God it was awful. Never again.
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« Reply #25 on: November 02, 2014, 08:57:04 AM »

During the relationship I had huge anxiety, watched what I said, depression, and suppressed so much anger it started to spill out onto other people. When she was depressed I was depressed. And one of the strangest things happened too, I don't know if this happened with other people. But I became desensitized to her crying and pain. Like she cried so much and so often I stopped caring and only acted like I did just because it seemed like the right thing to do and I know she needed me to be there for her. But it got to the point where I would completely fake my caring about her pain and crying, and wouldn't try as hard to make her feel better.

Even when she moved in with me and everything was working out perfectly I had such anxiety. Physcial symptoms were headaches, loss of appetite, and I had a panic attack once or twice. Looking back on it I can't believe how dysfunctional it all was.
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« Reply #26 on: November 02, 2014, 09:28:27 AM »

I didn't realise it at the time, but I was a complete mess when I was with my xBPDh.

I put on a lot of weight, I dressed like I was 20 years older than I am, I was scruffy and sometimes didn't even brush my hair for days.  I think I may have been depressed.  I was emotional and suffered from mood swings.  I was always tired and irritable.  I always ached and had headaches.  During the 8 years I was living with him I had surgery twice.  On the whole, I felt very negatively about life.

Now, I have lost the excess weight.  I am happy and positive most of the time.  I sleep well and feel relaxed.  I look years younger than my actual age.  I have smartened up dramatically.  I wear the clothes I want to wear and look much better.  I feel well all the time and haven't so much as had a cold since he left!

Coincidence?  I don't think so.
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« Reply #27 on: November 02, 2014, 10:03:03 AM »

No time for a full reply as I am on my phone waiting to start work (ill have to run when the boss gets here) but yes to all of the above.

Driving around and around the block to avoid coming home to face whatever his current mood might be. Extreme anxiety over his constantly breaking up work me. Frustration with his disrespect. Lost my job)s) and almost my Lisence to practice due to sleep deprivation and stress causing me to make REALLY serious mistakes at work. Getting text bombed at work with huge attacking texts didn't help.

Lost marks at school when he picked fights eight before class or kept me on the phone all day when I was supposed to be studying or kept me sleep deprived. He seemed to be able to pick a fight the night before a big exam consistently. Gained and lost and gained weight. Still working on losing the weight. Stopped working out. Felt like crap all the time. Money woes from helping him when he needed me but despite his "words" no reciprocation. When I need his help. He has a tendency to buy toys and trips over paying bills. He also has little concept of how much life costs.

Stress from never being able to plan anything. No ability to being up the future or plan for school or work or anything.  He went from "if you need to

Move for school ill be right there beside you" to "if you have to move I'm not

Coming". purting every tom dick and Harry ahead of me. Not being able to count on him for anything. Always feeling like I had to check everything he did or said to find out if it was true. The orbiting women. Yuck. What a bunch of losers.  Constant anxiety. CONSTANT! In fact I'm felling it right now.

Wow had no idea how upset writing all that would make me. I miss him. I love him. But I'll be damned if I EVER tolerate being whittled away at to that degree again. I am not perfect. In fact I had a few BPD traits myself. Working with a psychologist on that right now. But I am wonderful. I work hard live hard am honest and kind and caring. I am creative and capable and hilarious. I am smart and determined ad beautiful. Even with the extra weight. So anyone who wants to hang with me had damn well better appreciate me.

He said something interesting one of the last times we spoke. Something along the lines of "we wouldn't even be talking if thins were going so well with the men you are dating". Of course I don't have the right comeback but now I see how BPD that statement is. As in if I wasn't getting what I needed from some own else I would consider him again. Nope. I'd rather be alone than treated less than I deserve again. Whew. Didn't say it to him but at least I managed to express it here.  Thanks all.


Hmmmmm I must still be quite the mess. I just realized I am sitting outside the office waiting. For it to open and In reality I showed up an hour early. Lol. Oh well time to get a coffee and relax I guess. See even 6 months out I am still reeling from the damage. I feel like I've lost 50 IQ points.
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workinprogress
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Posts: 548


« Reply #28 on: November 02, 2014, 10:24:24 AM »

Wow, I can so relate to all of this.

Growing up with my NPD Dad I was a nervous wreck.  I was depressed and forth.  He pushed me into every sport there was, plus, I had to be the best player on the team for every sport.  I was also expected to work and maintain great grades.  It was too much for a kid.  I was exhausted all of the time.  I was suicidal.  I started self-medicating by skipping school and drinking.

When I told him how tired I was, he would simply say, "you don't do anything.  You have no reason to be tired."

He would belittle my appearance.  He would belittle my strength.  He would belittle all of my efforts.  I just couldn't win.

I used to hope that I would sustain a serious injury so I could get a break.

I had no say in anything.

Fast forward to my marriage, all of my efforts to provide for us were belittled. 

I found myself being sleep deprived due to her constantly waking me up and the hours that I worked.

I was depressed.

I was lonely.

My finances have been depleted due to her spending.

I started having anxiety issues.

I received little or no physical contact from her which left my body feeling drained.

I was exhausted all of the time.

I ended up losing my friends.

I drank regularly to self-medicate.

I think that covers it.
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Waifed
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #29 on: November 02, 2014, 10:25:42 AM »

Hi 2014.

I have never been the same since I met my fateful ex.  I still have trouble identifying what it is that has so changed inside of me, but something clearly has.  When she finally left, as she inevitably must, something died inside of me.  I am still laboring to put the pieces of my shattered life back together, but I am a permanently changed man.

I became consumed with her caretaking to the utter abandonment of all else.  I sacrificed myself trying to save her from herself.  I caused tremendous harm to my career, my finances, my other relationships in life, and above all myself.  The constant stress, anxiety, and fear involved in this effort destroyed my health and my sanity.  I offered myself up to her - everything that I had.  I gave her my total and absolute devotion hoping that my complete self sacrifice would buy her deliverance.  In the end, it wasn't enough, and it never could have been.

I have spent the past year descending into the blackest depression of my life.  I became hospitalized and had to take a lengthy medical leave from my job to begin to sift through the wreckage of my life.  I have never felt so defeated, so lonely, and so destroyed as I felt in the aftermath of her leaving.  I am still struggling to repair the catastrophic damage done in my vain attempt to save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

I have lost my belief in true love.  I have had to face the reality that love does not in fact conquer all.  That some problems have no solution.  I have had to accept that sometimes what appears to be love is not love at all, and that it can be extremely difficult to discern the two.  This has been bitter medicine and it has left me a far more cynical man.

-I gained a good 20 pounds during our relationship from the relentless stress

-I lost 30 pounds in the first few months after she left from the crushing depression and despair

-My blood pressure soared to dangerous new highs from the stress and I required new medication to control it.  I am still on these

-I was laid off from my job during our relationship and likely could have kept it if I had not had so many attendance issues in dealing with her constant crises.

-I spent all of my savings and went thousands and thousands of dollars into debt trying to get her the healthcare and psychiatric care she needed

-I was so addicted to being with her that I cut also everyone else out of my life

-I became paranoid and terrified of upsetting her and thus enduring another lengthy silent treatment even as I could see no reason or pattern in her behavior

-My mental health deteriorated badly in the relationship and I was on numerous new medications to try and keep functioning.  I was terrified of not being able to keep it together to be able to care for her.

-I had a a full blown psychiatric episode after our breakup and my preexisting mental disorders have been severely worsened

-I have incurred thousands of dollars in treatment expenses trying to recover

-I have never been the same

Wow Cosmo

This could have been written by me. Almost identical especially the "part of me has died" and being cynical. Luckily I didn't go into debt over her. I was aware early on that we had no future even though I wanted it so I refused to spend large amounts of money on her very often. Also, my depression came during the last year of the relationship and not after.

Pretty much everything else you have written describes my relationship.
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