As the world turns.

[PyneappleDays]

Hello

I come on here periodically, most frantic when things are not working so well.  My DBPD (20 yrs. old) just had her daughter last Sunday (Oct 19th).  Words cannot express how you can turn something so simple into “As the World Turns”.  Words can’t but swearing can.  Big time.

First off she’s been cleared for now in regards to CAS.  Because she’s in a place that can help her get adjusted and find a place of her own. So far.  We’ll see fingers crossed because she hates being confined.  I’m trying to visit once a week.

I’m hoping they help her with her budget.  Her cell phone just got cut off which means I got the obligatory can you pay my cell bill.  Really you can buy smokes and get fast food but you can’t pay your cell.  She doesn’t need to buy anything for the baby.  The gd has everything.  So no I’m not paying the bill.

On the day she went into labor she went into the hospital and a 3 cm dilated they gave her an epidural.  She said she wanted to go natural but when the first throws of pain she all of a sudden wanted drugs.  I told her to take it and get some rest.  She texted everyone she knew.  The father of the baby was a no show (too inebriated).  His family showed up the mother and her fiancé was a bit tipsy and (giddy), the father seemed intelligible.   My dd’s father sent in a representative his first wife.  Yeah! I had to put all these things a side because really they were to support her, but I was already exhausted and secretly I knew I had a bottle of wine at home.

Somewhere between 9PM-1am they all dissipated and she finally fell asleep.  After 24 hours of labour she decided on a C section.  This ticked me off because I know that she’s going to use it later to get out of thing and if she had just listen she would have had it naturally.

Meanwhile,  in the waiting room.  My dh found out a bunch of lies that dd has told.  She has been cutting recently as last year.  Were because I looked in the usual spot and found nothing.  She had a previous baby but had to give it up.  Again, really?  Where, when and which alternate universe?  She has never been away from me that long.

I know this is old grounds for kids but it brings back all kinds of thing I went through with dd father and why I left.  This brings me to my next baffling item.  DD’s father’s representative, the first ex-wife has befriended dd.  I’m assuming so the father can get info.  My suspicions where confirmed when she wanted to talk to me a day later and has texted me for a coffee.  I decided not to engage her (1st ex-wife) but rather to phone dd’s father.  After a lot of crying on his part it turns out he once again doesn’t care what happens to dd , he wants the baby.  According to him and his new wife can provide an affluent life for the baby.  Not help his daughter but a new start for him.  Well I wonder why dd is the way she is?  The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  Always running away from their problems and want to wash their hands of the mess they made with a fresh start.

I’m trying to see if I left anything out.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[llbee814]

PyneappleDays I am so sorry for all you have had to go through.  I'm glad you have a nice bottle of wine stashed!  I have a decent pinot grigio... .let's drink to your grandbaby's health and future happiness!  I can't imagine dealing with the rest of the players and I am sorry I have no advice regarding them.  I hope for the best outcome for you and the new,  innocent little one.   

[behindme]

What an emotional time this has been for you! Firstly, congratulations on your gd. I imagine it must feel lovely to hold her in your arms.  

It must be hard to put everything in perspective when you're dealing with so much at once. As a former L&:) nurse, I recall how harrowing long labors are and how disappointing it is to everyone when it ends in a C-section. However, those are very very likely to be medical determinations and not the choice of the mother or anyone else aside from the professional overseeing the health of the mother and child so this is most unlikely to be anything your dd had a choice in  

As for her other choice of giving up her first child, what a shock that this came out now. I've known of similar circumstances when families learned of such things at the birth of a "social" first child. If it's possible to put that shock aside for the moment to focus on the other pressing matters, and perhaps seek outside professional guidance for such a loss - for it is - that may be best to do for you and dh now if that is an option.  The postpartum period is going to be difficult enough for your dd - do you think she'd be ready to face up to her decisions of the past now? It may be a bit of a heavy burden. Is she aware you even know?

Your ex and his current wife may be saying they want to raise the gd now but one would think there's a lot of legal ramifications to staking such rights.  Take a deep breath and then some.  Give each and every matter time and breathing space. You've got a lot to slowly digest, and a beautiful new life to cherish.

[PyneappleDays]

Hi

There was no first baby that was taken away.  It was a lie she told, probably to gain sympathy on dd's part.  As for her father getting the baby there's no way dd's going to go to where her father lives.  I've had this discussion with her before.  He can afford to come here vidit him and his wife on your terms and in a public place.  That way there's no commitment.  The same if she goes to the province he lives.  If it's your money and have a place to stay.  If it's his money have an open ended ticket so you can leave when you need too.  DD would have to sign off on the child even if CAS wanted to take it.

The baby is so cute and dd is getting better at breastfeeding.  Last night she was fully awake and smiles (I know it's gas).  DD put pink on her which was a surprise but dd said she knew I was coming.

I'm still not paying for her phone bill.  the residence has a house phone which is good for now.  The CAS worker is coming over to check my place out.  Why do I feel nervous?

[pessim-optimist]

Congratulations on your baby granddaughter, PyneappleDays!

The CAS worker is coming over to check my place out.  Why do I feel nervous?

I think it's mandatory to be nervous in this kind of situation - for some reason, most people are. 

Take some deep breaths, you will do well... . 

[PyneappleDays]

UUUGGGHHH! She's trying to flee this place.

I just received a text for her on a borrowed phone.  She wants me to attend a meeting with her and CAS and the house.  She's fund someone new to move in with.  The house rules are treating her like a 10 old.  She has to stay put for 10 days then she's allowded to leave for 2 hours and then gradually increase it.

Where on earth does she find these shmucks that are willing to put up with her and a new born baby?.

I told her I would attend the meeting but under no circumstances will I agree to her leaving and she will have to move herself.

Do I phone the worker and plan ahead?

Help.  No I really mean it help!

[pessim-optimist]

I am trying to remember, were there any rules under which there was a risk of her losing the baby? I seem to remember that she needed to comply with something, I might be wrong?

When is this meeting, supposed to happen?

Why does she want you to attend the meeting - as a moral support, or to vouch for her?

[PyneappleDays]

The meeting is for someone to vouche for her.  The reason she in this facility was because she was bouncing around from house to house while she was pregnant and she need to get help.

I can't vouche for her if she going to leave and start bouncing around again.  That's what I plan to say. "No, I can't vouche for her leaving the facility until she moving into her own place and not anyone else"

She's doing this for her own selfish reason.  She does like rules or being told what to do or being away from her friends.  She is not looking at the baby's need for a stable home enviroment.  I think she's using the child as a sympathy card.

[pessim-optimist]

Does she need an official approval to leave? What would happen if she left on her own?

If I were in your situation, I would go to the meeting but would let her navigate the situation on her own, and I'd be honest if anyone asked me questions.

e.g:

Q: Is dd going to have a stable place to stay? A:"Not that I am aware of." etc.

Your dd is likely to get upset in any case if you don't do/say what she wants, on the other hand, it's better if you are there to 'simply give honest answers.' And that she can see clearly if she stays, abc will happen and if she leaves xyz will happen - her choice. Rather than seeing you and the facility trying to "keep her prisoner" there and trying to "tell her what to do", so to speak.

Does that make sense?

[PyneappleDays]

Yes, thank you sound more simple then what's in my head.

[nzmum]

  PyneappleDays

     

I read this through and crikey it sounds tough.

Almost damned if you do and damned if you don't say anything.

For what it's worth I think Pessim-optimist is spot on about the honesty thing though - even if it's so that you know you have done the right thing by your GD.   

If I were in your situation, I would go to the meeting but would let her navigate the situation on her own, and I'd be honest if anyone asked me questions.

Your dd is likely to get upset in any case if you don't do/say what she wants, on the other hand, it's better if you are there to 'simply give honest answers.'

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders