Told uBPDwife I want a divorce (in Georgia, USA). Now what?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well, I finally told my uBPDwife that I want a divorce and she took it better than expected but is still very upset. She admitted to cheating on me with my roommate and acted like it was no big deal. I then told her I cheated a few years ago (to hurt her) and that totally flipped the script. I'm regretting having told her that since she had no idea and I'm afraid she may lie about her extra-marital discretion though she will be sure to bring mine up.

Anyways, I'm in Atlanta, Georgia and not sure how exactly to proceed from here. I don't really want a lawyer since I barely have two nickels to rub together but I'm also afraid of how vindictive my wife can be. Any advice on how to proceed?

[ATLandon]

Well, I finally told my uBPDwife that I want a divorce and she took it better than expected but is still very upset. She admitted to cheating on me with my roommate and acted like it was no big deal. I then told her I cheated a few years ago (to hurt her) and that totally flipped the script. I'm regretting having told her that since she had no idea and I'm afraid she may lie about her extra-marital discretion though she will be sure to bring mine up.

Anyways, I'm in Atlanta, Georgia and not sure how exactly to proceed from here. I don't really want a lawyer since I barely have two nickels to rub together but I'm also afraid of how vindictive my wife can be. Any advice on how to proceed?

[ATLandon]

I should have also mentioned that we do not have children and have very little money or assets.

[ForeverDad]

You've only been married for only a couple years.  It's possible that domestic court will ignore your relationship prior to marriage.  If so, then indiscretions prior to marriage may mean nothing to the outcome.  Yes, your spouse will never forget, be quick to accuse and quick deny any of her own misbehaviors, it's the nature of BPD Denial.  "I make the rules for you but they don't apply to me."

A short marriage and no children likely means it is only about the marital assets and debts.  If she tries to deviate off into her emotional blaming and allegations, try to ask the court to focus just on the legal issues at hand - marital assets and debts.

So now you've learned your lesson, never volunteer information if the marriage is failing.  To restore one, yes, to end one, no.   So no more admissions or disclosing information or strategies.

Even if you can't afford a lawyer, you can at least get some inexpensive legal consultations with family law attorneys so you can describe your marriage, pending issues and ask what your state requires and how to avoid typical blunders in divorce.

Be very careful that if she senses the marriage is ending she is likely to try to Blame you for its demise.  Has she ever contemplated or made threats to make allegations against you?  If so, then your risks are higher of her actually making an allegation to make you look worse than her.  Be aware, beware.

[ATLandon]

You've only been married for only a couple years.  It's possible that domestic court will ignore your relationship prior to marriage.  If so, then indiscretions prior to marriage may mean nothing to the outcome.  Yes, your spouse will never forget, be quick to accuse and quick deny any of her own misbehaviors, it's the nature of BPD Denial.  "I make the rules for you but they don't apply to me."

A short marriage and no children likely means it is only about the marital assets and debts.  If she tries to deviate off into her emotional blaming and allegations, try to ask the court to focus just on the legal issues at hand - marital assets and debts.

So now you've learned your lesson, never volunteer information if the marriage is failing.  To restore one, yes, to end one, no.   So no more admissions or disclosing information or strategies.

Even if you can't afford a lawyer, you can at least get some inexpensive legal consultations with family law attorneys so you can describe your marriage, pending issues and ask what your state requires and how to avoid typical blunders in divorce.

Be very careful that if she senses the marriage is ending she is likely to try to Blame you for its demise.  Has she ever contemplated or made threats to make allegations against you?  If so, then your risks are higher of her actually making an allegation to make you look worse than her.  Be aware, beware.

Luckily she has never called the police or even threatened to make false accusations but I wouldn't be surprised if she did. However our house is only in my name and was bought years before we tied the know. In fact, most of the property is in my name and was bought before marriage, though I'm fair enough to give her what she needs to be on her own. Hell, I'm even considering signing over the deed to her on the house if she wants it just so I can walk away with a clean conscience.

[ForeverDad]

Don't do anything that you might regret later.  Many have lamented that they settled for far too little or gave away far too much "just to get it over with" or out of a misplaced sense of guilt and obligation.  (Search here for "FOG" or "Fear, Obligation, Guilt".

A good portion of the BPD behaviors can be linked to Boundary Pushing, if you try to be accommodating, reasonable or seek a middle ground, it will be perceived as weakness and an invitation for more pushing and more demands.  In the long run it is better to set firm boundaries for behavior.  Short term it heightens the tension and risks because the other person will likely resort to Extinction Bursts to intimidate you back into prior appeasing/target patterns.

Getting (1) a few lawyers' perspectives and (2) peer support feedback will be so helpful so you don't shoot yourself in the foot.  Domestic court may claim it is gender neutral but so much of what happens there ends up favoring either the female persuasion or those squeaky wheels who are messed up.

Likely things got worse because once you were married it heightened her fears of abandonment.  BPD is a disorder that generally worsens over time and as the relationship gets past the honeymoon phase.

[livednlearned]

You can get consultations from lawyers -- that will end up costing you approximately $50 to $200 for 30 minutes depending on where you live. Gather as much information as possible to find out how to protect yourself, or how you would fare if she wants the house (she'll need to be able to pay the mortgage), and whether you can buy her out, how that might work, etc.

Don't sign the deed over to her or give her the house. Just don't. In my experience, and from what I see happen here over and over, generous gestures don't minimize the conflict. If anything, it just confirms for BPD exes that you are a pushover and they can get away with anything.

I "gave" my ex the house and it cost me thousands of dollars and years of agony. He wouldn't refinance and I could not get my name off the mortgage or the house. I wanted to take advantage of being a "first-time home buyer" which you could do if you hadn't owned a home for 3 years, and wanted to reset the clock by getting my name off the deed. It took almost two years and he obstructed things every step of the way. In retrospect, I should've tried to get him to buy me out. I would have had to use the proceeds from my share to pay legal costs, but at least I would have had that money to cover the expense of trying to do anything with him.

The way she is in the marriage is the way she will be during the divorce. Spiteful, erratic, impulsive, irrational, blame-shifting, obstructing, not complying.

So find out what a couple of attorneys think you should do, and then make a plan. Post here a lot -- there is a lot of collective wisdom that can save you a lot of money and headaches. Most attorneys don't understand how high-conflict these cases can be. We do. There are minor things you can do to help save yourself a lot of grief.

[catnap]

From what I an gather from your other posts (hastily looked at) is that you have been married just over a year.  Your cheating was prior to the marriage, and hers is currently within the marriage with the room mate.  You are currently working part time jobs to make ends meet after being laid off your full-time job and seeking a new career path by returning to school.  She quit a good paying part time job because she was "tired".  You are detached from her, going to AA meetings and trying to move on. 

One false allegation (perhaps even backed up by the new room mate bf) might give you a record that prevents any employment in your old field of work as well as your new career path field. 

Your house and car are in your name only and her car you are primary on.  You are scouting colleges and will need to take out loans to pay for education.  WHY give her the house... .she probably cannot qualify to take over the mortgage.  Could she qualify to even take over her car payments?

Please, please consult with at least a couple of attorneys. 

[ForeverDad]

Don't do anything that you might regret later.  Many have lamented that they settled for far too little or gave away far too much "just to get it over with" or out of a misplaced sense of guilt and obligation.

I repeated the above for emphasis.  You have priorities.  No, not to help her or be nice or overly nice to her.  The time-tested instructions on every airplane flight apply:  "In the event of an emergency put your oxygen mask on first before helping others."  Ponder that.  Your priority is to protect yourself first - especially from false allegations or being set up and framed for poor behaviors - then once you have covered all the legal risks then you can see what you can do for unwinding the relationship in a more-or-less fair way.

If you don't protect yourself and you get raked over the coals, then how can you help her later?

You are naturally inclined to take the noble path, but generally the disordered persons we deal with do not have the same sense of principles and reciprocity.  You are looking out for your spouse over yourself, your spouse almost surely will be looking out for herself and be willing to throw you to the sharks, maybe even coat you with chum too to make you better bait.

You can protect yourself and still treat her decently.  But please, protect yourself first and get legal advice.  If you have concerns about her being treated unfairly in court, yikes, the court will protect her, a female and perhaps a visibly messed up person, more than enough.  Please, protect yourself, you can do it without being a bad guy.

[Waddams]

I'm in the Atlanta area as well (I live in the northeast 'burbs OTP - original poster will know what that means).  What you did before you married won't matter.  What she did falls under GA's fault divorce statutes.  If you can meet the burden of proof in court, you can use that to limit or even eliminate what she gets in the settlement per GA statute.  I proved infidelity and got the house, and uPDxw got no spousal support at all, and we'd bought the house together. 

There are lawyers that will act as a mediator for both parties and do all the paperwork for a few hundred bucks here.  Maybe both you and her visiting one together would help?  Show her she's getting nothing if she goes the hard way, and there's nothing to get anyway, so might as well just make it easy and you each move on.  The L will be able to facilitate it.

It's time to look out for no. 1, and let her look out for herself.  If she spends her time trying to fight with you instead of taking care of herself, that's on her when she's left twisting in the breeze.

Very short marriage, she's cheating, quitting a good job, etc.  It looks very bad for her.  It's time to zip your lips about all these issues when talking to her.  You're embarking on a divorce with a high conflict party.  Unfortunately, you'll likely need a lawyer.  It's also time to start conflict management in the home.  Go low contact with her.  No emotional discussions.  Simply business.  Paying bills and what not.  Other than that, keep your distance.  And ask her to go ahead and start finding other arrangements for herself.  Job, place to stay, etc.  Neither of you want to be cohabitating during a divorce, and her staying through it won't gain her anything due to her infidelity.  Once she's gone, if you need help paying the mortgage/bills, find another roommate or something until you can re-establish a full time income.

[ForeverDad]

Wow, do you see what a difference some knowledge makes?  And the peer support experiences are enlightening too.

You can still do the right thing and yet not sabotage yourself if you go the legal path.  When marrying, yes the emotional component is huge.  When unwinding the marriage it is the opposite, especially with a person at high risk to be high conflict, the emotional component should be kept as small as possible.  In other words, as businesslike and non-emotional as possible.  Later, when the major asset/debt splits and decisions have been locked in, you can ponder ways to (safely) give her a break here and there but doing so now at the very beginning is just inviting huge boundary pushing and unreasonable/unrealistic demands.

Waddams is correct too, don't you dare risk having children, not with the marriage unwinding.  (And having intimacy could imply that you're okay with her recent infidelity.  That's the religious aspect, not sure if there's a legal aspect.)

[Waddams]

I tried for to make things work with uPDxw for a little short of a year after the infidelity was discovered.  It did include occasional "relations".  It ended up not affecting things in my particular case, at the divorce hearing, uPDxw pissed off the judge (not our current judge, unfortunately) as soon as she opened her mouth.  I think that contributed majorly to the outcome in that go-round.

[ATLandon]

Don't do anything that you might regret later.  Many have lamented that they settled for far too little or gave away far too much "just to get it over with" or out of a misplaced sense of guilt and obligation.

I repeated the above for emphasis.  You have priorities.  No, not to help her or be nice or overly nice to her.  The time-tested instructions on every airplane flight apply:  "In the event of an emergency put your oxygen mask on first before helping others."  Ponder that.  Your priority is to protect yourself first - especially from false allegations or being set up and framed for poor behaviors - then once you have covered all the legal risks then you can see what you can do for unwinding the relationship in a more-or-less fair way.

If you don't protect yourself and you get raked over the coals, then how can you help her later?

You are naturally inclined to take the noble path, but generally the disordered persons we deal with do not have the same sense of principles and reciprocity.  You are looking out for your spouse over yourself, your spouse almost surely will be looking out for herself and be willing to throw you to the sharks, maybe even coat you with chum too to make you better bait.

You can protect yourself and still treat her decently.  But please, protect yourself first and get legal advice.  If you have concerns about her being treated unfairly in court, yikes, the court will protect her, a female and perhaps a visibly messed up person, more than enough.  Please, protect yourself, you can do it without being a bad guy.

Ya know that comment about the oxygen mask actually resonated with me. Thanks for that nugget of wisdom. Actually, after having read everyone's advice I know that you are all saying is true and even basic common sense. I've just had my head stuck in my wife's emotional welfare it is still hard for me to separate what is good for her vs. what makes her feel good. I know that I need to be strong and non-emotional in order to help myself and her in the long-run.

I will be calling a friend today who is a tax attorney. She is one of only a couple friends I can confide in that will have actual insight into the finer details of our marriage and can also direct me to competent divorce lawyers. I thank God that I was able to manage to keep connections with good people in my life through all of this. Also, I will be opening a separate checking account to start saving for attorney fees and will let my wife know about this so I can't be accused of hiding money from her. I should probably get a voice recorder to start covering my a$$ when these conversations are had with her. This is all so overwhelming but a little less now with all the input here. Thanks for all the advice, everyone!

[livednlearned]

Also, I will be opening a separate checking account to start saving for attorney fees and will let my wife know about this so I can't be accused of hiding money from her.

I would not tip your hand, ATLandon. It is not illegal to have a separate bank account. She will accuse you of everything under the sun -- when you take care of yourself, no matter how, she perceives that you abandon her. It's part of the disorder.

It will escalate if you share too much about your exit strategy. If you are concerned about anything you plan to do, talk to an attorney.

[ForeverDad]

Also, I will be opening a separate checking account to start saving for attorney fees and will let my wife know about this so I can't be accused of hiding money from her.

I would not tip your hand, ATLandon. It is not illegal to have a separate bank account. She will accuse you of everything under the sun -- when you take care of yourself, no matter how, she perceives that you abandon her. It's part of the disorder.

It will escalate if you share too much about your exit strategy. If you are concerned about anything you plan to do, talk to an attorney.

This is what can be self-sabotaging, trying to be overly fair, overly whatever.  What you are doing is putting some away for a rainy day, conserving now to have it available later, nothing wrong with that.  As far as domestic court is concerned, you can only be accused of hiding money from the court.  Since you're not in court yet, get local legal advice first.  Not that you have to ask your lawyer every little detail, but this is about sharing information and you need legal advice before taking any new actions.  You ARE allowed to have some privacy, confidential talk - and personal accounts.

I mentioned before how marriage is all about Emotions and the positives, divorce is about unwinding things as businesslike as possible.  You can be both Businesslike and kind and fair.  Let me add that Sharing is also a sensitive issue.  In order for a marriage to work there must be sharing, but if the marriage is ending then some things are best kept Confidential and not Shared so they are not used against you to sabotage you.

Another word here:  Enabling.  You potentially 'enable' her to act out even more if you indiscriminately share information with her.  Yes, you do share some information but weigh long and carefully any issues that are not appropriate or even unwise given the situation.

[ATLandon]

Also, I will be opening a separate checking account to start saving for attorney fees and will let my wife know about this so I can't be accused of hiding money from her.

I would not tip your hand, ATLandon. It is not illegal to have a separate bank account. She will accuse you of everything under the sun -- when you take care of yourself, no matter how, she perceives that you abandon her. It's part of the disorder.

It will escalate if you share too much about your exit strategy. If you are concerned about anything you plan to do, talk to an attorney.

This is what can be self-sabotaging, trying to be overly fair, overly whatever.  What you are doing is putting some away for a rainy day, conserving now to have it available later, nothing wrong with that.  As far as domestic court is concerned, you can only be accused of hiding money from the court.  Since you're not in court yet, get local legal advice first.  Not that you have to ask your lawyer every little detail, but this is about sharing information and you need legal advice before taking any new actions.  You ARE allowed to have some privacy, confidential talk - and personal accounts.

I mentioned before how marriage is all about Emotions and the positives, divorce is about unwinding things as businesslike as possible.  You can be both Businesslike and kind and fair.  Let me add that Sharing is also a sensitive issue.  In order for a marriage to work there must be sharing, but if the marriage is ending then some things are best kept Confidential and not Shared so they are not used against you to sabotage you.

Another word here:  Enabling.  You potentially 'enable' her to act out even more if you indiscriminately share information with her.  Yes, you do share some information but weigh long and carefully any issues that are not appropriate or even unwise given the situation.

I'm so glad for all the advice. I went to my old bank today and re-opened an account with them. I'm going back tomorrow to get a safe-deposit box to file paperwork in. I also ran into nothing short of a miracle today. Before my wife left for work she brought her computer out to charge on the kitchen table and left the screen open. When I came out I thought it was mine and was confused as to why someone would move it, so I got to looking at it to see what was up.

Then I realized it was my wife's computer. She had left her FaceBook account open so I checked through her messages and, sure enough, there was solid evidence that she was cheating on me with the roommate. He said in a message to her, "I mean, he's still my friend, but I don't want either of you to feel like I'm condoning his actions (He is talking about me cheating on her). And then I don't want to be all 'Oh I'm banging your wife."

I seriously could not be any happier for finding this, all things considered. Those files are going straight into my safe-deposit box tomorrow. I'm not sure if a judge would use it considering how it was retrieved but its worth hanging on to. Also, mum is the word from now on with both of them.

[livednlearned]

I think if you access her information on a computer that is considered marital property (meaning, bought during the marriage), and the screen was open in the marital home, that is fair game. I'm not a lawyer, so always good to talk to your L and ask.

But since you don't have kids, I'm not sure how infidelity even factors into your divorce, except psychologically and emotionally. There are only a handful of states where adultery can affect the financial outcome  -- Georgia isn't one of them. Divorce is just the end of a contract. If your business partner was having an affair, the judge wouldn't care. It might be the same where you live.

[ForeverDad]

For the majority here, we never got Closure from our relationship partners, it's a typical PD overly extreme perception that is part of the behavior pattern.  So you'll have to Gift Closure to yourself.  Whether or not this information can be used in court, it does provide a couple things:

• This knowledge can help you Gift yourself Closure so you don't have to face the risks of seeking it from your spouse.



• You may be able to use it as a measure of Leverage for her to accept a reasonable settlement or outcome in court.

Courts prefer settlements, so much so that even in our high conflict cases we often do eventually settle.  Just be sure that you don't settle too soon, a common initial impulse, before she is able to be "less unreasonable" in negotiations.

Sit down and make a confidential list with at least three columns.  Column 1 is what you think is 'fair' regarding both spouses' various assets and debts, both pre-marital and marital.  Column 2 is what is a legal and typical outcome in a normal divorce in your area, based on your legal consultations.  Column 3 is what she will demand.  You goal is to get the outcome to end up as close to the centered Column 2 as possible.  There can be some give and take, a plus on one item can be offset by a minus on another item.  The point is that you keep your eyes on the overall result.

Be very aware that even if you get a 'deal' a pwBPD is almost certain to try to renegotiate it, chipping away at any perceived advantage you may be perceived to have.  Beware, making one adjustment will invite more attempts for additional adjustments.  Why?  Because a boundary that is reasonable is perceived as weakened and literally invites more boundary pushing.

[catnap]

If you have her as a secondary on any credit card call the company and have her removed from the account(s). 

On your new bank account, instruct the bank that you do not want any statements mailed to your home concerning the account or the safe deposit box. 

[ATLandon]

For the majority here, we never got Closure from our relationship partners, it's a typical PD overly extreme perception that is part of the behavior pattern.  So you'll have to Gift Closure to yourself.  Whether or not this information can be used in court, it does provide a couple things:

• This knowledge can help you Gift yourself Closure so you don't have to face the risks of seeking it from your spouse.



• You may be able to use it as a measure of Leverage for her to accept a reasonable settlement or outcome in court.

Courts prefer settlements, so much so that even in our high conflict cases we often do eventually settle.  Just be sure that you don't settle too soon, a common initial impulse, before she is able to be "less unreasonable" in negotiations.

Sit down and make a confidential list with at least three columns.  Column 1 is what you think is 'fair' regarding both spouses' various assets and debts, both pre-marital and marital.  Column 2 is what is a legal and typical outcome in a normal divorce in your area, based on your legal consultations.  Column 3 is what she will demand.  You goal is to get the outcome to end up as close to the centered Column 2 as possible.  There can be some give and take, a plus on one item can be offset by a minus on another item.  The point is that you keep your eyes on the overall result.

Be very aware that even if you get a 'deal' a pwBPD is almost certain to try to renegotiate it, chipping away at any perceived advantage you may be perceived to have.  Beware, making one adjustment will invite more attempts for additional adjustments.  Why?  Because a boundary that is reasonable is perceived as weakened and literally invites more boundary pushing.

Yeah, the transcript I found is helpful in closure in some ways. I'm hoping I don't have to use it, as I plan on saving it only as a last resort if she is completely unreasonable. I'm not the vindictive type. I just need some insurance to make sure I'm not 100% screwed over.

Strangely, I feel at peace with my decision and well on my way to closure. I beat myself up for years over not being able to make things calmer, better. However, at this point I absolutely know that I have done everything I could to make this marriage work. My conscience may not exactly be clean (I still feel bad about cheating) but I am certainly not conflicted walking away from this. Of course I'm sad and I'm sure I will be for some time but I've been through much worse in life. I did the best I could, then tried doing even better, and it still didn't work. I'm happy and relieved to be able to let go and move on.

If you have her as a secondary on any credit card call the company and have her removed from the account(s). 

On your new bank account, instruct the bank that you do not want any statements mailed to your home concerning the account or the safe deposit box. 

Looks like I will be getting a post office box as well today. These costs just keep adding up. I'm in the process of looking for either an other part-time job to supplement my current one, of a full-time job to replace/supplement my current part-time job. This is stressful but I'm glad you mentioned that. Hopefully a P.O. box will prevent unnecessary conflict.