.BPDgf persective on break up after 3 years with non: advice?

[EdgeJulia]

Dear all,

I am new to this world, and altough i have been in and out of therapy for 9 years, never having had the help i came to those sessions for i lost my faith in therapists, i have been misdiagnosed and since then stopped anytype of therapy. My last bf told me i have borderline, from him i took it very seriously, that's why im here.

i am currently 24 y.o  and the last 3 years have been the most drastic but beautiful years; i was studying in the Netherlands where i met my dream: a beautiful French man, we moved in with eachother very quickly -this was my first serious relationship- but nothing could stop us. He was the opposite of me; very mature for his age (21) calm, analytic, thoughtful, rational soon i saw him as my anchor(man), we connected on many other aspects; we can entertain ourselves for hours, talking, dreaming, musical wise (both dj's), sexual wise (with him i learned how to enjoy it). He unleashed a part of me in a sense that i wasnt aware i could capable of giving somebody so much love, my focus was him, my purpose was him, i would make sure he didnt have a shortage of anything. In return i needed protection and affection.

in retrospect, also discovered that unconsciously i was expecting that same waterfall of love from him and when he couldnt return those feelings, or better said -project on me what i was giving him- when feeling that shortage of affection i was noticing some trigger thoughts, making a whole scenario including a script between us, picturing how already our break up would be. So in stead of doing a reality check to verify whether his absence of affection could mean a decrease of love towards me, i was already far ahead of him, concluding that he would soon be going to leave me. Episodes happened during those 3 years that we had to be abroad, apart from eachother, in reference to our studies,  where i havent received answers or news from him,  the contact froze, and for me it was a torment, i couldnt handle the idea of being "forgotten" and soon had to grasp for instant gratification in form of affection, with somebody else, despicably.

After the abroad episode we returned together, but i broke his heart. All that time, under that still water were hiding such deep feelings.During the distance he has been showing his feelings in a stoic way, but once back together i havent felt so euphoric. For a long time since then things have been pretty steady, something i was not used to since i have been working with waves my whole life. Waves of productivity periods, en unactive periods, uppers, being socially surrounded by people,  and depressions and social anxiety. So last summer it was that i hit the rock, i thought that something had to change and that the reason for my dissatifaction came from dissatisfaction with the relationship and again the darned lack of affection,which is my lifewater. I left alone to Spain and emptied my mind, we gave up our appartment and closed that chapter  i thought i was in peace with my decision. But no.

We still see eachother in our little student town in the Netherlands, the worst is that i long even more for him. And i higly question if i haven't commited the mistake of my life, banning the love and best friend of my life. At least he gave me tools and is still very supportive with me looking for help with BPD altough it hasnt been diagnosed yet, but i can conclude out of my past;

I havent have contact with my father, thats why i need manly protection and affection: attention from men

having had psychiatric disorder running in the family: father suffers from shizophrenia to a level that he was a threat to my mom and me (trauma)

Contact with both of my families has been cut, and i didnt have a close rol model: idolizing fast

i can jump impulsively into new projects being active and super enthousiastic about them, followed by moments of total lethargy and depression, acting then thinking, im a collection of paradoxes.


My story must make me look like a total b___, i have acted recklessly but amidst all i still love him very deeply. At this moment we are not in a relationship anymore, but it gives me fuel  to work on myself in order to control the BPD traits, i don't ever want to hurt somebody again while it occurs due to ungrounded motives. I want to repair myself and our relationship.

my question is, is there somebody out there who has experience with a constructive borderline relationship? What are the pittfalls, how have you combated the BPD (destructive side) traits, when is grieving over a past lover an act a love or a sign of dependency.


Thank you very much in advance for your words and reflections on how to repair a relationship with a BPD partner.

Julia

[maxen]

hi EdgeJulia 

i'm very sorry for your story! one happy element in it though is that you are willing to examine your own patterns and have what sounds like a good level of self-awareness. not very many people do, whether they have BPD or not. your post and self-reflection are very brave.

i have to tell you that this site is a support group for those who are or were in a relationship with a person with BPD. therefore some of the posts you would read here will be triggering for a person with BPD. we do have a page of resources of the type you're seeking. please go to Resources for BPD Sufferers, where you will find links to other resources directed to those with BPD.

i have to say from what you wrote, that it sounds like your bf wasn't as communicative as any person would like. so now you know going into any new relationship what level of communication you need. that's progress already. do you have any friends you can talk this out with?