Sent this text today, good idea?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey ... .

We tend to fall out a lot, we both want different things or maybe not but whatever. The thing is whilst I know the pain you feel on a daily basis is beyond anything I'll ever feel. I have to think of myself and how I feel. This is why I've not talked to you for a while, and whilst you're in a relationship with someone else I'll continue to be a very very small part of your life. I have to have my self-respect. Sorry for the essay. Chris xx

I spoke to her last night, it was awkward, pointless and kinda depressing, especially after 10 days of NC.

Was it a good idea to send the text? Her only reply was "u at work? xx" I think she wants to call me.

[christoff522]

Hey ... .

We tend to fall out a lot, we both want different things or maybe not but whatever. The thing is whilst I know the pain you feel on a daily basis is beyond anything I'll ever feel. I have to think of myself and how I feel. This is why I've not talked to you for a while, and whilst you're in a relationship with someone else I'll continue to be a very very small part of your life. I have to have my self-respect. Sorry for the essay. Chris xx

I spoke to her last night, it was awkward, pointless and kinda depressing, especially after 10 days of NC.

Was it a good idea to send the text? Her only reply was "u at work? xx" I think she wants to call me.

[Skip]

It's strength, compassion and good healthy boundaries written in a very warm tone.

It's reasonable to send.

She very well may want to talk rather than express her feelings/answer via text - not everyone can nail it like you did.

[christoff522]

She did text, basically I told her that I couldn't stick around and watch her be with someone else. Then she said she had some big decision to make in 38 hours. Apparently she's on about having a baby and moving in with her new bf.

I told her it was the stupidest decision ever, and that its the biggest mistake of her life.

Anyway we talked on the phone, and I ended up just putting the phone down when she was on about wanting to move in, but not being able to cos of money, and her bf asking her mum for her ring size and all this. I mean they've been in a relationship 3 months, (apparently she's known him over a year though)

I had a meltdown, told her straight how I felt, she was angry that she couldn't confide in me and claimed I was "the closest thing to a family. I could tell she didn't want to lose me.  I know I can't mentally cope right now though. I can't detach.

I stuck by my guns and said "I won't say goodbye, because we may meet again one day". and I reiterated that doing what she's on about is the biggest mistake of her life. She asked me why i thought that, then said she was going to sleep "thanks anyways xx"

I am in absolute emotional disarray, going to have a bath soon, play some music and relax

Am I going to go full nc? I don't think so, but I can't sit on the sidelines being her emotional tampon and whilst she's sleeping with some guy, dating, introducing him to her family, talking about babies and marriage... what sort of a man would sit by whilst that happens - none!

[Skip]

what sort of a man would sit by whilst that happens - none!

She's left your life and has joined someone elses.

It's hard.

[BrokenFamily]

I've cried over and over and the end result is always me feeling horrible while she is seemingly having the time of her life. What good will come of your tears ? Why blame yourself for someone else problem and why would you want a relationship with anyone capable of hurting you this badly who is with someone new ? My BPD ex made up total and complete lies about me, called me names, treated me horrible and left me, our daughter and our happy life together for a new guy the next day. Its painful, I lost my job , my sanity and all I loved in life but why? Because I allowed her problem to negatively effect my life. I put her needs before mine for almost 4 years and received only pain in return. It's been 2 months since the breakup, our daughter is going thru separation anxiety, I'm an emotional mess facing losing my house and she's out having the time of her life. I urge you and (myself)to worry about yourself and no her anymore, we both need to realize a hurting ego is all in the mind and can only effective you in a negative way if we allow it. No contact is a great idea for us both because only then will they get a chance to actually appreciate the positive about you once the negative fighting and pain is over. This is their way of coping and the more you are persistent the more pain you'll both have. If you do ever contact her or she contacts you I suggest keeping it short always happy and up beat tell jokes and expect nothing in return. If you leave it on a happy note that's all she can remember and you'll even feel better about it , but be careful she could seem in a great mood texting back regularly one day and completely ingnore or be mean and spiteful to you the next ; this will create an emotional vacuum and have you feeling like the day you broke up again feeling horrible. Trying to understand her though process will only drive you crazy , loving someone who obviously no longer loves you or is unwilling to express it is just asking for more and more pain and disappointment.

[christoff522]

Skip: She hasn't left my life, she wants to be in it. She says I'm the closest thing to a family she has. She sees me like a father. She wants me to tell her the truth, to be rational and responsible when she can't be. I've continued talking to her today, she claims she didn't realise I loved her and thought I was over her.

BrokenFamily: I empathise with your pain, even though I've not suffered in any way the level of torment you must be experiencing. I have spent many months dealing with this stuff. I know she doesn't mean it, I try to let it be water off a ducks back but sometimes (often) it gets to me. I want No Contact, for me, that means me detaching from this, and her one day coming back into my life. I know that this isn't the end, but when she's talking about moving in with him, marrying him, and having babies... that scares me. I don't think it'll happen... but still that possibility remains... however slim. Pretty sure that tomorrow I'll feel much more contented and at ease about it. No Contact will be resumed when things go quiet again. I know what you mean about seeming happy... but how long will it be before she mentions the bf again? I honestly didn't expect me to be talking to her now, back when all this went to sh** I continually told myself that "that was it, no more". It never is. I know that if she ends up pregnant, moves in with him, or gets engaged that I'm gone, I'll have a breakdown maybe, but I'll be gone for good.

[Aussie0zborn]

I know she doesn't mean it, I try to let it be water off a ducks back but sometimes (often) it gets to me.

I used to say that. The fact is that she does mean it. We just think that because its not logical, sensible or based on fact, that they don't mean it. We really like kidding ourselves.

It doesn't matter what it's based on, they well and truly mean it seeing as that's how they see it.  Making excuses for them is a part of being an enabler. So what if she moves in and marries this guy? And why does she see you as a father figure - you're not her father so step out of that role.  She got on fine before you and will do the same after you.

I'm not surprised to read that you are in total emotional disarray. Detaching is not easy. You might ask yourself why you would want to sacrifice your life to make someone else happy. We get no thanks for this in the end. No contact and keeping yourself busy and healthy is a good first step here. Good luck.

[christoff522]

I know she doesn't mean it, I try to let it be water off a ducks back but sometimes (often) it gets to me.

I used to say that. The fact is that she does mean it. We just think that because its not logical, sensible or based on fact, that they don't mean it. We really like kidding ourselves.

It doesn't matter what it's based on, they well and truly mean it seeing as that's how they see it.  Making excuses for them is a part of being an enabler. So what if she moves in and marries this guy? And why does she see you as a father figure - you're not her father so step out of that role.  She got on fine before you and will do the same after you.

I'm not surprised to read that you are in total emotional disarray. Detaching is not easy. You might ask yourself why you would want to sacrifice your life to make someone else happy. We get no thanks for this in the end. No contact and keeping yourself busy and healthy is a good first step here. Good luck.

Thank you, NC actually failed, but resumed again today (at least on my side, whether or not it does on her side is her problem).

You are right, why would I want to sacrifice my time, energy and effort on something that is so one-sided. I don't hate her, but I am angry, at her and at myself. I disagree now about the father figure role as well, I don't think she saw me that way, in fact I think she saw me as nothing more than an opportunity, an opportunity for free counselling, an opportunity to fill the time when her boyfriend wasn't available. So I've swiftly ended it tonight.

I did actually feel as though I was doing something wrong by letting it get to me, but I was right, it was my consciousness, my awareness - that which makes me a man - showing that I was being led astray, my desire to get my end away was completely clouding my judgement. I need a good (infinite) amount of space from this girl so I can sort my head out. Thanks for posting this, it was a good startler, a good sign that my actions were correct.

[FoolishMan]

Chris, I know this is hard, probably the most difficult thing you will do but she is having sex, moving in and quite possibly 'in love' with this other guy. If she really wanted you in her life, would he be so important? Like you say, you need to have your self respect. You won't keep it going on like this.

NC on your end means giving her no way to contact you. I read your thread that was 60 days NC and noticed that you never went NC at all. It was all LC. Reading your posts, I get the impression that this LC, this pretending that it's going to change, is what's keeping you stuck.

Give complete NC a try if detaching is your goal. If you want her back, then I suggest the same because you are going deeper into a hole just now, one that will be painful to climb out of.

Take care man :-)

[Aussie0zborn]

It doesnt matter if your fail at NC - sometimes it needs practise. But more than anything, it needs your resolve.

You don't need to hate her, you just need to accept that it's not what you thought it was and that this type of relationship is painful. You don't get a medal for banging your head against a wall.

It's not as if you didn't try your best with all your good intention.  Look after yourself and set yourself up for NC if you truly want to get off this emotional rollercoaster. Good luck.