He's back for 4 days

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, so a little update.

BPD/STPD's been staying at his parents' for 4 months now, but kind of separated since September, all the time self-pitying to them that "because of me" he can't get himself a new house. He was still paying the rent of OUR house and putting pressure on me for this constantly. He even wrote to the Benefits to tell them he was paying and they're asking me for money back.

I found this so vile, for I'd been asking him to go to mediation in order to discuss the material aspects of things so I could get organized. And he also sent a notice letter to the landlord behind my back. He KNEW I couldn't afford to pay all this by myself.

Last week, his sister told me that I was a profiteer and I found this so unfair and humiliating. I've found a PT job and, putting ALL the money I earned, I sent him the rent for November. I just wanted to get him and his family OFF MY BACK! I was planning to ask for his keys back, as I learned from my neighbour that he came into the house when I was away (he's got nothing left here).

Anyway, I think he really didn't expect to receive the money for the rent from me. He sent me a long mail this morning to say that he never asked for the money (!) and (probably to show it's still HIS house too?) said he was coming to spend a long week-end here, 5 days in total. Didn't ask for my opinion btw.

We have hardly spoken to each other for the last 2 months... .

His message wasn't really friendly, it showed his paranoia still and was all about who pays what and HIS son, as if my daughter and I didn't matter anymore. I felt weird when I received it, didn't know whether to feel happiness or anxiety.

Today, I was meeting with a woman from a well-known organisation in my country. She helps relatives of mentally ill people. She told me NOT to accept him back into the house, that I had the upper hand now that I had paid for the rent.

So I sent him a message to say that it was "more sensible" to sleep at a nearby hotel until we can see how things turn out. I guess he's not going to appreciate much, but well... .

Hard times   :'(

[Indyan]

Hi, so a little update.

BPD/STPD's been staying at his parents' for 4 months now, but kind of separated since September, all the time self-pitying to them that "because of me" he can't get himself a new house. He was still paying the rent of OUR house and putting pressure on me for this constantly. He even wrote to the Benefits to tell them he was paying and they're asking me for money back.

I found this so vile, for I'd been asking him to go to mediation in order to discuss the material aspects of things so I could get organized. And he also sent a notice letter to the landlord behind my back. He KNEW I couldn't afford to pay all this by myself.

Last week, his sister told me that I was a profiteer and I found this so unfair and humiliating. I've found a PT job and, putting ALL the money I earned, I sent him the rent for November. I just wanted to get him and his family OFF MY BACK! I was planning to ask for his keys back, as I learned from my neighbour that he came into the house when I was away (he's got nothing left here).

Anyway, I think he really didn't expect to receive the money for the rent from me. He sent me a long mail this morning to say that he never asked for the money (!) and (probably to show it's still HIS house too?) said he was coming to spend a long week-end here, 5 days in total. Didn't ask for my opinion btw.

We have hardly spoken to each other for the last 2 months... .

His message wasn't really friendly, it showed his paranoia still and was all about who pays what and HIS son, as if my daughter and I didn't matter anymore. I felt weird when I received it, didn't know whether to feel happiness or anxiety.

Today, I was meeting with a woman from a well-known organisation in my country. She helps relatives of mentally ill people. She told me NOT to accept him back into the house, that I had the upper hand now that I had paid for the rent.

So I sent him a message to say that it was "more sensible" to sleep at a nearby hotel until we can see how things turn out. I guess he's not going to appreciate much, but well... .

Hard times   :'(

[Grey Kitty]

I'm also separated with some ambiguity.   It is tough.

Here's my tough question for you:

Are you clear in your head on this? Is he invited back or not?

How would you feel about telling him in no uncertain terms that you do not want him to stay with you now?

Telling him it is "more sensible" is giving him a golden opportunity to pick a fight over what sensible means, and why your idea about "sensible" is a horrible one.

Telling him how you feel is much harder for him to argue.

Hang in there!

 GK

[Grey Kitty]

BTW... .if Benefits are asking you for money back... .DON'T give money to HIM! Resolve that first! (At least in the future. You can't un-write a check, and may not want to put stop payment on it. You might ask for it back though)

[Indyan]

Hi Grey Kitty,

Unexpectedly he is... .very calm.

And also his emotions seem to be back and I'm not painted black anymore  

Just because I paid for the rent ?  

The thing is by paying the rent, I've removed a big brick at the pillar of his delirium of persecution  

He told everyone "she makes me pay for everything, she's evil, poor me, poor me, while I can't even see my son."

(he comes visit as much as he wishes btw, I just refuse that he takes baby away).

I don't want him to stay here because I don't think it makes sense. I found a bank statement for a lawyer (specialized in harrasment!) in his pocket... .I have no idea what his agenda is.

And I've paid for the house, so I deserve to feel at home.

But on the other hand, I don't want to discourage his good intentions. Also, staying here will decridibilise any false accusations that I'm harassing him. You wouldn't stay at your persecuter's house, would you?

About the Benefits, I'll tell them I'm paying... .cause I am.

[Grey Kitty]

This sounds good! I'm glad for you that he's calming down.

I still want to challenge you on this... .maybe I'm beating a dead horse, and you already get this, but here I go anyway!

I don't want him to stay here because I don't think it makes sense. I found a bank statement for a lawyer (specialized in harrasment!) in his pocket... .I have no idea what his agenda is.

And I've paid for the house, so I deserve to feel at home.

Those are all very good reasons... .for you... .and a good way of thinking about it.

Trying to convince him of these things is just asking for trouble.

Instead convince him that it is your house, and he is invited to see the baby anytime (your schedule permitting)... .and not invited to stay the night.

Enforcing your boundaries... .and getting him to respect them is critical and empowering for you.

Trying to get him to agree that you set them for the right reason is foolish and invalidating to him.

[Indyan]

Instead convince him that it is your house, and he is invited to see the baby anytime (your schedule permitting)... .and not invited to stay the night.

Enforcing your boundaries... .and getting him to respect them is critical and empowering for you.

Trying to get him to agree that you set them for the right reason is foolish and invalidating to him.

I get that... .on paper.

But now baby's in bed and it's getting late... .and the nearest hotel is 10 miles away.

He doesn't drive, so I'd have to give him a lift... .leaving baby here... .well, it's complicated.

But at least I said that "it might be more sensible to stay at a hotel" in my email, so if things go wrong, I've said things.

He's acting as if nothing happened... .I mean, no physical contact with me but we went for a walk with baby, cooked together, enjoyed our dinner... .

This afternoon he even laid down next to baby and me on my bed  

I'm utterly AMAZED, or rather SHOCKED.

But I'm not showing anything, just being friendly and enjoying the peaceful atmosphere for a change.  

[Grey Kitty]

I'm nervous for you.

You just let him push past your boundary... .and actions (him staying) set a much more powerful precedent than words (you saying it "doesn't make sense.", especially when they are in conflict.

What will you do if he packs all his stuff from his parents and shows up on your door with it?

Re-read all the games you described him and his family doing at the beginning of this thread.

[Indyan]

I'm nervous for you.

You just let him push past your boundary... .and actions (him staying) set a much more powerful precedent than words (you saying it "doesn't make sense.", especially when they are in conflict.

What will you do if he packs all his stuff from his parents and shows up on your door with it?

Re-read all the games you described him and his family doing at the beginning of this thread.

I've decided to let him know this afternoon that I want him to stay at a hotel when my daughter comes back, later today.

I'm aware that he's pushed my boundary: I PAID the rent to be AT HOME and decide on what I think is normal and acceptable or not.

Especially that I found that paper about a very expensive and apparently well-known lawyer in his pocket. It seems that he's chosen that one because it's all about harrasment on his website... .but I doubt the man has bought all the rubbish about poor BPD's martyr life.

I guess he's panicking a bit as all the crap he's done to me (notice letter, benefits, threats... .) was an attempt to shout to the world "I'm part of her life! I'm still paying, I exist... ."


I need to set my boundaries firm and strong - of this I have no doubt.

But it requires a great deal of energy and a lot of money.  

And it's complicated too, as I do want to keep a tiny door open (with lots of conditions) to get back together, while protecting myself and the kids.

[Grey Kitty]

I need to set my boundaries firm and strong - of this I have no doubt.

But it requires a great deal of energy and a lot of money.  

Yes... .doing the right thing by yourself is difficult, and expensive. I know it all too well myself.

In then end, it costs a lot more to do it the other way.

Keep up the good work!

And it's complicated too, as I do want to keep a tiny door open (with lots of conditions) to get back together, while protecting myself and the kids.

Yes, it is hard to find the balance. I'm going to suggest that it is actually a clearer place for you than you realize:

You won't go back to the unsafe and unreasonable. conditions you had before he moved out. For now (at least) that means he's not moving back in.

You aren't going to reject him completely, kick him out of the kids life, etc. (For now. If he behaves worse, this could change too.)

I think you are pretty clear about these two things and see that they don't actually contradict each other.

The messy part is that he probably can't hold both ideas in his head at once. Not black and white enough for him. So any time you try to explain this sort of stuff to him, he just doesn't get it!

Am I right about this?

[Indyan]

Yes, it is hard to find the balance. I'm going to suggest that it is actually a clearer place for you than you realize:

You won't go back to the unsafe and unreasonable. conditions you had before he moved out. For now (at least) that means he's not moving back in.

You aren't going to reject him completely, kick him out of the kids life, etc. (For now. If he behaves worse, this could change too.)

I think you are pretty clear about these two things and see that they don't actually contradict each other.

The messy part is that he probably can't hold both ideas in his head at once. Not black and white enough for him. So any time you try to explain this sort of stuff to him, he just doesn't get it!

Am I right about this?

Thanks Grey Kitty 

In fact, he's the one who's fuzzy, and me who wants things to be clear

That's where he looks more schizophrenic than BPD maybe, as he is ambivalent but not one side or another.

He wants his cake and eat it.

He wants to be separated (he needs to shield from his persecutor -me - and satisfy his family I suppose), but he's asking to "spend lots of time together". He talks of "arranging things nicely, so that I'll go to his place and he'll come to mine to look after the kids" and "my lawyer will make proposals to your lawyer" and so on... .

To me it's a pack of nonsense.

I've read your last news, and I'm sorry about what you're going through. You have all my support 

[Grey Kitty]

He wants his cake and eat it.

He wants to be separated (he needs to shield from his persecutor -me - and satisfy his family I suppose), but he's asking to "spend lots of time together". He talks of "arranging things nicely, so that I'll go to his place and he'll come to mine to look after the kids" and "my lawyer will make proposals to your lawyer" and so on... .

To me it's a pack of nonsense.

Yup. About the same. My wife wants to have her cake and eat it too.

It isn't working for me either.

I've read your last news, and I'm sorry about what you're going through. You have all my support 

Thanks!