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Author Topic: This Might be a Good Tool to Use?  (Read 1387 times)
outside9x
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Relationship status: divorced for 2 1/2 years
Posts: 222


« on: November 05, 2014, 12:08:38 PM »

Hi, Not that I don't have by moments of missing mine, and craving them, I do at times but I found this article so helpful.  It's about what BPD people do in a realtionship.

Now, I am not using it as a whip to punish them and say, what terrible awful people they are, because probably they are not, they just do awful, and terrible things to us, because of their BPD conditon, and not too much we can do, or even try to do to migate their sudden storms, rage, demands, and accusations,etc  except maybe SET but even that only helps so much. The rest is truly on them.   

I use this article like a tool to help myself see things clearly, I mark off of sentences at the end and answer them honestly in RED. Do they do this?  and Input a Yes, or a No, or maybe "BIG TIME". (whatever you want to use to emphasis their punishing activities)

Again, I don't use this to beat them up but to open MY EYES as to the conditon I have allow myself to be beaten up, and treated so badly, yet freely pouring out my love to them.  It's never ever enough.  Mostly importantly it reinforces why would we stay in such an abusive relationship were we are hurt so much, without cause, reason?   Questions to ask yourself and what your definition of a loving person and relationship is or should be.

 

I know the answer is always we love them so much!  But... .you can't be in real love with anyone who can treat you so terribly, regardless if it's because they are damaged, or have emotional problems, or any other problems.  That's not LOVE in any definition.  You need to love yourself 1st.  If you saw you friend being treated that way you would try to save him.  I know it's a addiction and but I think this might help in some ways.

IF they can recognize what they do, and are truly sorry, and get proper treatment and help and stay with it, then you have a choice whether to stay or not. 

I know many find themselve in marraige possibly with kids, so much more is at stake to try to hang in there and make things better.    But even for them, if there is constant abuse and emotional beatings no one, needs to suffer their whole life.    No one.

Hope this helps, it did for me.   

Below is the URL: 

www.mjtacc.com/frameset.html?rabuse.html~mainFrame

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Popcorn71
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« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2014, 01:52:13 PM »

Interesting reading.  Nearly every one of those points applied to my ex!
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outside9x
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Relationship status: divorced for 2 1/2 years
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« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2014, 02:05:10 PM »

Hi Popcorn71,

I say about 80 to 90% applied.  Some I can see where more gender driven to what a BPD guy would do, then a female,  as they are usually more physical, but hey, my ex punched me but it was on the arm, but it was while driving down the highway and included raging etc, and at times she bolt out of the car, and she was 61 years old, not a young female finding herself, and no I didn't even argue with her.  

Yes, all the bad ones she scored high but again, it's not about her so much or to say she is totally BPD and is such a mess, it's about me seeing how this is universal and why would I called that love and be so beating up and want back in just because at times she can be fun, sexy and alluring.  That's a high cost , and then they lose respect for you and paint you black.  You grow to be less and less in their eyes.  It's a losing proposition always.  Love one way never works !
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Pingo
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Relationship status: Separated
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« Reply #3 on: November 05, 2014, 05:44:52 PM »

I can relate to this entire article, it describes my exh and our marriage to a T, although he didn't drink or do drugs (he was a big drinker but quit before I met him).  Thanks for sharing  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Left broken and confused
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #4 on: November 05, 2014, 06:17:03 PM »

That article was just what I needed today. It reminded me of how things really were. I do still bad for him because he will never be truly happy
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SeaShellz

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« Reply #5 on: November 05, 2014, 08:47:00 PM »

All of them applied to my exBPDbf except for one. This helped me remember the abuse when I've been ruminating over the good. Thanks for sharing!
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KeepOnGoing
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« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2014, 09:37:54 PM »

Great article. Thanks for sharing. The BPD I know was a waif and didn't rage unless it was internally and then would possibly present itself in other ways. Not too much of this applies to my situation, except for the idealization and he constant fight against authority. Interesting what we will do to accommodate the pwBPD.
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tim_tom
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« Reply #7 on: November 06, 2014, 09:41:58 AM »

Hey thanks for the article! It's really shocking how this whole crazy situation I just went through can be accurately described in detail by so many people who've never met me, every article I read, folks on here, all the stories resonate as if they were my own.

Really helps me in the sense that it's obvious this wasn't some special, magical soulmate type of connection, just the repeated re-enactment of the disorder that manifests itself in strikingly similar ways.

Sometimes still, I find myself thinking back to idealization, then remembering how quickly the train went off the tracks and wondering... how is that even the same person, why can't I have that person back! Everyone puts their best foot forward in the early stages of the relationship, but my exBPD put someone else's foot forward. I have to remember that the person she was then, is no more real then the devaluing person she is today.
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outside9x
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Relationship status: divorced for 2 1/2 years
Posts: 222


« Reply #8 on: November 06, 2014, 01:38:24 PM »

Hey thanks for the article! It's really shocking how this whole crazy situation I just went through can be accurately described in detail by so many people who've never met me, every article I read, folks on here, all the stories resonate as if they were my own.

Hi Tim_Tom,

Yes, that's my first reaction when I came to this site awhile ago.  The actions, the feelings, their actions, their behavior, was like you would have read it in some manual.  In many ways it's great, not because we all suffer, but because we are under the same influences of a reaction that stirs a real chemical reaction in our brains and body, that somehow thinks this love is the forever one.  In many ways despite the emotional bashing, and heart aches we endure it.  

It's like we are driven to these people.  Seeing this in so many, and using simple logic, tells us that can't be so, how can so many think this is the special and most beautiful sonwflake of them all, the only one?  Because it isn't , so it's the very same thing (IT IS) as if someone injected us with a powerful drug that made us feel drawn to something that you know is very dangereous and bad, yet we crave it. Like the addict craving his high, but knowing its wrong and will kill him.   That's why, over time, over N/C and removing pictures, letters, emails, this stops the triggering within us, so we can finalLY come back to our true selves.  Then we can face things much better and move on.  

WOW, BPD , a very bad addiction to have but I know I have my days, but it is getting better, I am sleeping better, and sometiimes I laugh at what I put up with.

Best wishes to ALL!  
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KeepOnGoing
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« Reply #9 on: November 06, 2014, 10:42:58 PM »

It's like we are driven to these people.  

Because it isn't , so it's the very same thing (IT IS) as if someone injected us with a powerful drug that made us feel drawn to something that you know is very dangereous and bad, yet we crave it. Like the addict craving his high, but knowing its wrong and will kill him.  

WOW, BPD , a very bad addiction to have but I know I have my days, but it is getting better, I am sleeping better, and sometiimes I laugh at what I put up with.

Yes! BPD is a drug, buy why?
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Hope0807
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing & Living Apart
Posts: 417



« Reply #10 on: November 07, 2014, 08:39:05 AM »

I've read that before, great article.  It's frightening to read that and realize, one:  who in their right mind would WANT to stay with someone so disordered, and two:  why the hell do we still find ourselves spending one minute missing any of that insanity…now that we know what the deal is?

What a trip!
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outside9x
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Relationship status: divorced for 2 1/2 years
Posts: 222


« Reply #11 on: November 07, 2014, 09:17:42 AM »



Yes! BPD is a drug, buy why?[/quote]
I had this explained to me by a doctor and wish I could remember the name of chemical within the body , but the connection we had with them (and it happens too when we first fall heavily in love) produces some chemicals in the body and brain, that makes us feel so vibrant and alive.  There is a bond between us and our BPD, that brings that out. (No she not that special snaow flakes)   Now , like any drug that stimulates or produces a "HIGH  FEELING" the body and mind misses it badly even though your conscious mind understand this person treated you like cr$p.  Even though you are exhausted, in fact all the better for the drug, the push and pull, the wanting just adds to it. 

Remember, you emotions now are in charge, and the more you go without it, the worst you feel.  That's why N/C (completely, pictures, emails, etc ) removes that feeling slowly, but there the catch, it so hard to do since you want it so badly. You are fighting against yourself. 

You'll really discover, and you won't believe this, but it's really not them so much but the feeling they were able to manufacture in you, there feelings were not real as well, and that hurts too.  Just like anything else we become conditioned to it, or the real word, addicted to it. 

It will fade over time.  Certain drugs (and I never used them but people I know closely have) like cocaine, and Heroin, have the same affect, and are very hard to break, and people wonder why they do what they do when they know it's killing them or there life and people around them.  Just like now friends don't understand why you would want to go back.  They don't, we do.

The addiction to our BPD may seem that bad, but it truly isn't but it does hurt and we do yearn, and unfortunately,  it does take time to get to normal, because the brain remembers, but the pull is less and less, and you do return to normal, and then, hopefully you will find another partner that is somewhat normal that you truly love inside and out for all the right reasons.  You will be happy again, but be careful, looking for the BPD high.  Quite possibly not that, and in the real world dangerous because it can never be maintained, it was maintained in us because of all the push and pull drama that literally drove us insane!

That's my best explanation. 
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outside9x
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Relationship status: divorced for 2 1/2 years
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« Reply #12 on: November 07, 2014, 09:18:36 AM »

per "KEEPON GOING"  QUESTION:

Yes! BPD is a drug, buy why?


I had this explained to me by a doctor and wish I could remember the name of chemical within the body , but the connection we had with them (and it happens too when we first fall heavily in love) produces some chemicals in the body and brain, that makes us feel so vibrant and alive.  There is a bond between us and our BPD, that brings that out. (No she not that special snow flakes)   Now , like any drug that stimulates or produces a "HIGH  FEELING" the body and mind misses it badly even though your conscious mind understand this person treated you like cr$p.  Even though you are exhausted, in fact all the better for the drug, the push and pull, the wanting just adds to it.  

Remember, you emotions now are in charge, and the more you go without it, the worst you feel.  That's why N/C (completely, pictures, emails, etc ) removes that feeling slowly, but there the catch, it so hard to do since you want it so badly. You are fighting against yourself.  

You'll really discover, and you won't believe this, but it's really not them so much but the feeling they were able to manufacture in you, there feelings were not real as well, and that hurts too.  Just like anything else we become conditioned to it, or the real word, addicted to it.  

It will fade over time.  Certain drugs (and I never used them but people I know closely have) like cocaine, and Heroin, have the same affect, and are very hard to break, and people wonder why they do what they do when they know it's killing them or there life and people around them.  Just like now friends don't understand why you would want to go back.  They don't, we do.

The addiction to our BPD may seem that bad, but it truly isn't but it does hurt and we do yearn, and unfortunately,  it does take time to get to normal, because the brain remembers, but the pull is less and less, and you do return to normal, and then, hopefully you will find another partner that is somewhat normal that you truly love inside and out for all the right reasons.  You will be happy again, but be careful, looking for the BPD high.  Quite possibly not that, and in the real world dangerous because it can never be maintained, it was maintained in us because of all the push and pull drama that literally drove us insane!

That's my best explanation.  [/quote]
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KeepOnGoing
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Posts: 135


« Reply #13 on: November 07, 2014, 08:50:08 PM »

Thank you outside9x. Thank you for reminding me. I am a love addict. Plain and simple. Good thing I'm seeing my therapist again tomorrow.
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Hope0807
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing & Living Apart
Posts: 417



« Reply #14 on: November 08, 2014, 02:37:28 PM »

outside9x,

Some really good stuff there.  With all the boundaries I know I set, will all the codependency issues I DID NOT bring into that relationship…what I did absolutely bring was my bottomless abilities to be a caretaker and rescuer and ultimately, I was longing for that "high" you mentioned that only someone with their disordered minds can provide.  Wow, wow, wow.  Earlier on in the relationship, I actually thought he was one of the most intelligent people I had ever met.  These days it's a crap shoot between who seems like the bigger idiot…me or the uBPDex.   

Yes! BPD is a drug, buy why?

I had this explained to me by a doctor and wish I could remember the name of chemical within the body , but the connection we had with them (and it happens too when we first fall heavily in love) produces some chemicals in the body and brain, that makes us feel so vibrant and alive.  There is a bond between us and our BPD, that brings that out. (No she not that special snaow flakes)   Now , like any drug that stimulates or produces a "HIGH  FEELING" the body and mind misses it badly even though your conscious mind understand this person treated you like cr$p.  Even though you are exhausted, in fact all the better for the drug, the push and pull, the wanting just adds to it. 

Remember, you emotions now are in charge, and the more you go without it, the worst you feel.  That's why N/C (completely, pictures, emails, etc ) removes that feeling slowly, but there the catch, it so hard to do since you want it so badly. You are fighting against yourself. 

You'll really discover, and you won't believe this, but it's really not them so much but the feeling they were able to manufacture in you, there feelings were not real as well, and that hurts too.  Just like anything else we become conditioned to it, or the real word, addicted to it. 

It will fade over time.  Certain drugs (and I never used them but people I know closely have) like cocaine, and Heroin, have the same affect, and are very hard to break, and people wonder why they do what they do when they know it's killing them or there life and people around them.  Just like now friends don't understand why you would want to go back.  They don't, we do.

The addiction to our BPD may seem that bad, but it truly isn't but it does hurt and we do yearn, and unfortunately,  it does take time to get to normal, because the brain remembers, but the pull is less and less, and you do return to normal, and then, hopefully you will find another partner that is somewhat normal that you truly love inside and out for all the right reasons.  You will be happy again, but be careful, looking for the BPD high.  Quite possibly not that, and in the real world dangerous because it can never be maintained, it was maintained in us because of all the push and pull drama that literally drove us insane!

That's my best explanation.  [/quote]
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