upbd ex is 'torn' about relationship collapse and wants to recycle.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

i had my fiance in my life for almost a year before things became so difficult that he decided he didnt want to be with me.

i know it was a major split black episode but i was so weary of walking on egg shells that i agreed about it.

things were extremely bad with hurting me threats and horrible use of language and threats of abuse.

he said he couldnt do it,i said alright,lets break up,i talked to him today and he said he said it in ego.

i changed my phone number after that.

two months later he visited my house with his engagement ring,hoping to set things right and reconcile... .but i had already been trying to move on,and knowing that living with him would be a disaster for everyone i did say no,yet my family and i could see plainly that he was a mess,he couldnt talk because he was trying to hold back tears and all i could do was hand him tissue papers and feel like a hypocrite saying no i couldnt do it.

i kept thinking why hurt us the both again.

but he's in tatters... .his family also came with him and said he was completely overwhelmed,that at the start of the break up he didnt eat for a week.

two days later today he  called my father and asked to speak to me.

i talked to him and he said he loved me,and that i had left him.i thought since it was his abandonment problem i wanted to exonerate him from blame and said that i didnt abandon him,he did because we were fighting all the time.

he seemed really cut up,said our break up was his fault since he didnt clarify to me extremely that he loved me (which isnt true! he did it all the time! he was taking undue blame and its wasnt okay... )

he was sobbing and he said he was having normal days in which he'd come back to home and feel as if it was all a dream,that any second his mother would wake him up and he'd really be in school and it'd be time to go.he said nothing seemed real and he was scared,that he was crying all day and spending every every other moment in conflict with his family, who said it was his fault (i felt bad at that,i might go nuts without support,but he surely WILL go nuts without support,and that on bad days i might as well not even bother asking how it was.

he asked me it i would take him back

that at this point he thought ego was stupid and useless,since he loved me and what was the point of ego or superego if i didnt love him back and he was losing me. he begged and said he would do whatever i wanted after marrying if i agreed,that i could make him do anything,that he would come to my house and stay there just to 'beg' so my family would agree to reconcile and shed even the semblance of dignity/ego because he now knew what it meant to lose someone,it broke my heart.

im so hurt about it,so guilty,he's in excruciating pain and im the likely cause.

i told him it wasnt his fault... thats things had become like this,that we werent engaged but i was a friend and i would help him,but the r/s was over and it wasnt to be helped.i said he needed a friendly face,he said he doesnt have any,i probably gave pointless advice about making some. but important (atleast i think) things i said were to accept what had happened,to not look at our pictures each day,atleast try and promise to make an effort to get better,and for heavens sake to find a girl if only as a friend,i might have sounded heartless saying it but when i comfort him he takes it as a sign that i would agree to get back together and its like breaking his heart again.

the way he is right now,my honest opinion is he needs psychological support,and also from his family and some hard iron measures to prevent suicide attempts.

i dont know how to ensure that,his BPD is undiagnosed as well.

there is no proper help for serious psychological problems in india,it is a stigma and its going to be for a long time.

i know ive written a long essay but i really think he could harm himself,that he is in a place right at the bottom of the pit.

im not a heartless person,im the idiot kind who likes to fix people okay,but how do i fix him,has anyone been in a similar situation?can anyone relate?

[stuckgirl]

i had my fiance in my life for almost a year before things became so difficult that he decided he didnt want to be with me.

i know it was a major split black episode but i was so weary of walking on egg shells that i agreed about it.

things were extremely bad with hurting me threats and horrible use of language and threats of abuse.

he said he couldnt do it,i said alright,lets break up,i talked to him today and he said he said it in ego.

i changed my phone number after that.

two months later he visited my house with his engagement ring,hoping to set things right and reconcile... .but i had already been trying to move on,and knowing that living with him would be a disaster for everyone i did say no,yet my family and i could see plainly that he was a mess,he couldnt talk because he was trying to hold back tears and all i could do was hand him tissue papers and feel like a hypocrite saying no i couldnt do it.

i kept thinking why hurt us the both again.

but he's in tatters... .his family also came with him and said he was completely overwhelmed,that at the start of the break up he didnt eat for a week.

two days later today he  called my father and asked to speak to me.

i talked to him and he said he loved me,and that i had left him.i thought since it was his abandonment problem i wanted to exonerate him from blame and said that i didnt abandon him,he did because we were fighting all the time.

he seemed really cut up,said our break up was his fault since he didnt clarify to me extremely that he loved me (which isnt true! he did it all the time! he was taking undue blame and its wasnt okay... )

he was sobbing and he said he was having normal days in which he'd come back to home and feel as if it was all a dream,that any second his mother would wake him up and he'd really be in school and it'd be time to go.he said nothing seemed real and he was scared,that he was crying all day and spending every every other moment in conflict with his family, who said it was his fault (i felt bad at that,i might go nuts without support,but he surely WILL go nuts without support,and that on bad days i might as well not even bother asking how it was.

he asked me it i would take him back

that at this point he thought ego was stupid and useless,since he loved me and what was the point of ego or superego if i didnt love him back and he was losing me. he begged and said he would do whatever i wanted after marrying if i agreed,that i could make him do anything,that he would come to my house and stay there just to 'beg' so my family would agree to reconcile and shed even the semblance of dignity/ego because he now knew what it meant to lose someone,it broke my heart.

im so hurt about it,so guilty,he's in excruciating pain and im the likely cause.

i told him it wasnt his fault... thats things had become like this,that we werent engaged but i was a friend and i would help him,but the r/s was over and it wasnt to be helped.i said he needed a friendly face,he said he doesnt have any,i probably gave pointless advice about making some. but important (atleast i think) things i said were to accept what had happened,to not look at our pictures each day,atleast try and promise to make an effort to get better,and for heavens sake to find a girl if only as a friend,i might have sounded heartless saying it but when i comfort him he takes it as a sign that i would agree to get back together and its like breaking his heart again.

the way he is right now,my honest opinion is he needs psychological support,and also from his family and some hard iron measures to prevent suicide attempts.

i dont know how to ensure that,his BPD is undiagnosed as well.

there is no proper help for serious psychological problems in india,it is a stigma and its going to be for a long time.

i know ive written a long essay but i really think he could harm himself,that he is in a place right at the bottom of the pit.

im not a heartless person,im the idiot kind who likes to fix people okay,but how do i fix him,has anyone been in a similar situation?can anyone relate?

[maxen]

hi stuckgirl    

you really are in an emotionally stressful spot. the hardest part, perhaps, is accepting that you can't fix him. you can encourage him to get help for himself, but he and/or his family must initiate that process. i understand that there is a stigma in many places about mental illness (there was in my household growing up), but he is using the language of psychology when talking to you so is it completely impossible that he might seek counseling? if he wants to keep quiet about it, there is a site which offers to "speak" with people through email, www.samaritans.org/. they also offer suicide counseling.

are you still undecided about the relationship?