Withholding sex

[Hawk Ridge]

I have been wondering about this.  When my ex and I first got together, we enjoyed sex.  It was not as often as my previous relationships and there was not much foreplay.  It had to always be initiated by her? Within 3 months, she decided we weren't going to be sexual anymore.  She told me she had been with a previous partner where they were not sexual for the last 5 years of their 7 year relationship.  After she broke up with me at month 7 and recycled me 3 weeks later, she still did not wish to have sexual contact until after she had had a sighting of her ex and found her undesirable.  We began having sex again once in a while, again only when she chose and it was not frequent.  3 months later, she said she was "scared" so didn't want to have sex anymore. I never knew what she was scared of.  We never did again in the last 6 months of our relationship.  My questions: a) is this common behavior? b) is my replacement experiencing this same type of sexual withholding? C) is this something that changes with DBT?  Thank you

[Tired_Dad]

a) Yes, this is common behavior.

b) I would predict as you were a replacement for an ex, that the next guy is most likely going to experience more of the same.

c) Yes, for some of them. With my wife it did... .then she stopped going to DBT, and then the intimacy stopped again.

I have yet to determine if my spouse's sexual ambivalence is fully related to BPD or past trauma or both. I'm inclined to feel it was, and that the risk taking side of her put her in a very bad situations at various points in her life and that caused trauma the keeps the wheel turning.

[Infern0]

Once you get devalued it's pretty common for them to withold sex. Er in my case it happened to me towards the end and I know she's doing it to my replacement (don't ask how) but she slept with me the other day so the "I'm uncomfortable because of past abuse" is all a lie.

[enlighten me]

I agree once devalued it stops. Mine said she couldnt be intimate or share a bed with someone she didnt trust. That was me on the sofa for the next year. I believe it was trigfered by her cheating on me. Although I have no proof. It happened after we had a discussion on fidelity where she asked if I could ever forgive cheating. I said no as no matter how bad things are if you love someone you talk it through and resolve the issue. I think that is when she lost all hope of us working as the devaluation picked up pace.

[Perdita]

Hawk Ridge, you ask if this is common behaviour.  Here's my personal experience in a nutshell: 1 year and 8 months together, in the past 13 months ... .2x and that's it.  Yet again I gained quiet a bit of insight from reading the old messages between him and his ex.  He really played a number on her when it comes to sex and clearly left her insecure and apologizing to him all the time.    I feel it could well be their way of punishing us and making us feel insecure about ourselves and the "relationship".  It puts them in control, doesn't it?  Isn't control what it all comes down to in the end anyway?

[Hawk Ridge]

In retrospect, the withholding was perhaps the most damaging, leaving me to feel as if I had been defective or undesireable.  As time goes on, clarity increases. Thank you so much for your feedback

[anxiety5]

I have been wondering about this.  When my ex and I first got together, we enjoyed sex.  It was not as often as my previous relationships and there was not much foreplay.  It had to always be initiated by her? Within 3 months, she decided we weren't going to be sexual anymore.  She told me she had been with a previous partner where they were not sexual for the last 5 years of their 7 year relationship.  After she broke up with me at month 7 and recycled me 3 weeks later, she still did not wish to have sexual contact until after she had had a sighting of her ex and found her undesirable.  We began having sex again once in a while, again only when she chose and it was not frequent.  3 months later, she said she was "scared" so didn't want to have sex anymore. I never knew what she was scared of.  We never did again in the last 6 months of our relationship.  My questions: a) is this common behavior? b) is my replacement experiencing this same type of sexual withholding? C) is this something that changes with DBT?  Thank you

My ex was incredibly sexual at first and for the first 5 months. She got off on being domineering so she would talk during sex. In a way I think I got the truth, not just role playing. She'd say stuff like "I own you now, don't I?" or "I have full control over you." or "You are only going to get this when you do everything I say."  I learned later that she only had sex with her ex husband 2 times the last year they were together. To these people the seduction is a way to control you and lure you. It's a means to the end. These people usually were neglected as children. They chased their parents for love they never received. They learned at a young age that the feeling of yearning, of pursuit and of chase is what love is. Therefore when they have you, they don't feel it anymore. It's also the reason they usually cheat with married people or other people in relationships often they are the 3rd party of two married people. Married people offer them two things they need. The thrill, of conquering someone who is wearing a ring and also the distancing they need where true intimacy is impossible.

[thatwasthat]

I have been wondering about this.  When my ex and I first got together, we enjoyed sex.  It was not as often as my previous relationships and there was not much foreplay.  It had to always be initiated by her? Within 3 months, she decided we weren't going to be sexual anymore.  She told me she had been with a previous partner where they were not sexual for the last 5 years of their 7 year relationship.  After she broke up with me at month 7 and recycled me 3 weeks later, she still did not wish to have sexual contact until after she had had a sighting of her ex and found her undesirable.  We began having sex again once in a while, again only when she chose and it was not frequent.  3 months later, she said she was "scared" so didn't want to have sex anymore. I never knew what she was scared of.  We never did again in the last 6 months of our relationship.  My questions: a) is this common behavior? b) is my replacement experiencing this same type of sexual withholding? C) is this something that changes with DBT?  Thank you

My ex was incredibly sexual at first and for the first 5 months. She got off on being domineering so she would talk during sex. In a way I think I got the truth, not just role playing. She'd say stuff like "I own you now, don't I?" or "I have full control over you." or "You are only going to get this when you do everything I say."  I learned later that she only had sex with her ex husband 2 times the last year they were together. To these people the seduction is a way to control you and lure you. It's a means to the end. These people usually were neglected as children. They chased their parents for love they never received. They learned at a young age that the feeling of yearning, of pursuit and of chase is what love is. Therefore when they have you, they don't feel it anymore. It's also the reason they usually cheat with married people or other people in relationships often they are the 3rd party of two married people. Married people offer them two things they need. The thrill, of conquering someone who is wearing a ring and also the distancing they need where true intimacy is impossible.

That makes so much sense.

This is what I love about this forum. You often find something that you basically already knew, but someone put it down perfectly.

Also, yes. In the beginning we had lots of sex, not extreme but daily.

To be totally honest, in retrospect, it turned into a routine/schedule before going to sleep. Thinking about it... .I always thought she was super open etc. BUT... .now I realize she only did what she thought I wanted, it didn't come from her at all. If that makes sense. She had "no self" in sexual ways either.

And yes. When the relationship was swirling around the drain - totally withheld sex.

It got to the point where just touching her foot with mine on accident made her yank it away.

Man, it hurt so much. So, so much. It made me feel like S***. But I don't think she did this consciously to punish or make me feel this way, it was "just" devaluation in full swing.

[hergestridge]

Witholding sex was just a symptom of a bigger problem - that I became the enemy from time to time. Now matter how hard I tried there would come a two month period again when she would be super could, suspicious and when there would be barely any intimacy or sex.

She was very open about it sometimes. She would tell me that it felt wrong to "give it away for free" when she felt she got nothing in return (at the time she would be under the impression that she was doing too much housework, getting not enough support from me emotionally and being subjected to a myriad of injustices which she would forget about once her mood changed).

[kentavr3]

Thank you everybody! My wife is withholding sex now. We has been sleeping in one bad now. She is cold to me. When I try to show attention to her , she says that she isn’t ready and her wounds are still healing.  What I have to do? Could you, le, prompt me?

[harbour]

The same here. We enjoyed having sex for the first six months. Now, for the last month or two he hasn't been interested in it. Tonight he sent me a message telling me how fascinated he is of a woman with whom he wants to be close friends. And he let me know that he sent her a message telling her how much he likes her and that he could easily become captivated by her, but that he loves me and hope that she is not disappointed and still wants to be his close growing friend, because he likes her soo much. At the same time he wrote me that I don't need to worry, because I am the best thing that ever happened to him. And he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I think it is a weird behaviour.

[Perdita]

Tonight he sent me a message telling me how fascinated he is of a woman with whom he wants to be close friends. And he let me know that he sent her a message telling her how much he likes her and that he could easily become captivated by her, but that he loves me and hope that she is not disappointed and still wants to be his close growing friend, because he likes her soo much. At the same time he wrote me that I don't need to worry, because I am the best thing that ever happened to him. And he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I think it is a weird behaviour.

It is weird behaviour but so typical of BPD men.  I'm sure you know by now that "friend" does not mean the same to them than it does us.  The one I've been involved with always refered to me as his "friend" even though any sane person would have seen it as a relationship through and through. 

I can see him cheating on you with her (if she is willing) and he won't consider it cheating because she is his "friend" and he told you about her and she knows about you too.  Believe it or not this is how these guys reason.  I'm sorry, but I think your roller coaster ride with him is about to get a lot worse.  Hopefully she isn't interested, but he is likely to still idealize her and that will be pure hell for you.  I speak from bitter experience.

The whole "captivated" thing is what their fantasy relationships and idealization crap is made of.  Here's an old thread that I found useful

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82437.0

[vortex of confusion]

I found out that part of the reason mine withheld, er couldn't perform, was because he was looking at pornography and taking care of himself. He would "try" to be physical but it usually had the same results. There have been accusations that I have a higher drive and he can't keep up with me.

At one point, I was told that I just don't trip his trigger any more. One excuse is as good as another I suppose. No matter what the reason, it is very hard on one's self esteem when the person that they love rejects them.

[harbour]

Am I being totally naive? Has he been lying to me all the way? Is he lying now? Then he is good at it. Or I am being a blind fool. How can I tell? If he is cheating on me with this woman, then why would he send me the message he sent to her about his fascination of her etc? Why would he tell her that he wants friendship with her, because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me? I am really getting worried here. In the beginning he told me that he was fascinated with women, but he could never have a relationship with two women. That he is monogamous. When I think of it he can hardly have had time to be with another woman as long as we have been together. I don't know. I just don't know.

[vortex of confusion]

Am I being totally naive? Has he been lying to me all the way? Is he lying now? Then he is good at it. Or I am being a blind fool. How can I tell? If he is cheating on me with this woman, then why would he send me the message he sent to her about his fascination of her etc? Why would he tell her that he wants friendship with her, because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me? I am really getting worried here. In the beginning he told me that he was fascinated with women, but he could never have a relationship with two women. That he is monogamous. When I think of it he can hardly have had time to be with another woman as long as we have been together. I don't know. I just don't know.

I don't think anybody can accurately predict what he is thinking. All I know is that one day my husband was straight and monogamous and the next day he decided that he was bisexual and wanted an open relationship. This was after we had been married for 15 years.

I would recommend being very wary. Don't let other people's experiences cloud your judgment but don't be too naive either. How is that for clarity?

Even if he hasn't been with another woman physically, that doesn't mean that he isn't lost in a world of porn or fantasy like my husband has been.

[Samuel S.]

After having fantastic sex before and after we got married usually on a daily basis, it was every other day, then once a week, then once a month, and now none for the last 6 years. She told me and this was a big turnoff, that since I am 17 years older than she is, that she had considered herself as my daughter during sex. I have not approached her sexually ever since. She is now so immersed in herself that even if she were to suddenly become interested in sex again with me, I don't know if I would want to. Besides that verbally abusive comment about being my daughter, she has done so many other verbally abusive things that have been extremely hurtful. Also, she is so very selfish about wanting to do her own thing. When I brought up the fact that her first husband did the same thing that she is doing with her complaining to him and then to me about him, she admits this is true. She said: "Now, I know how he feels." Thus, she has justified not being close.

So, bottom line, sex for a BPD is the lure with a lot of frequency. Yet, it is so temporary. They are very deceitful and pretending, thus making us look like fools. Intimacy, sexual and otherwise, is a very scarey thing for them. It is like the lyric "sometimes when we touch, the honesty is too much".

All you can do hope that your BPD will wish to become a partner with you in every respect. That is healthy. Not to do so is unhealthy.

[Perdita]

I found out that part of the reason mine withheld, er couldn't perform, was because he was looking at pornography and taking care of himself. He would "try" to be physical but it usually had the same results. There have been accusations that I have a higher drive and he can't keep up with me.

My story too.  A few months ago I started checking out his browser history and it was porn porn porn.  Early in the mornings before work, late at night, sometimes also during office hours and sometimes right after work before leaving.  In other words: a lot.

An yes, I was also told that he can't keep up with me.   

All I know is that one day my husband was straight and monogamous and the next day he decided that he was bisexual and wanted an open relationship. This was after we had been married for 15 years.

This worries me.  A year ago I confronted him about his ex and he said that I was saying all the same things she did.  He then asked me: "I guess you want to know if I'm gay". Huh?      I have noticed that whenever the subject of closeted gay men comes up in conversation with friends, that he always got this strange expression on his face when I say it is better to be honest rather than to marry and pretend to be straight and then suddenly come out.  This has always bugged me.  That expression.  Then recently I found out that one of his relatives has always believed that he is gay.  There have also been times when I felt he was descreetly checking out guys, but still don't know if he really was or if I'm reading too much into it.  It is all so confusing. 

Vortex, what did your husband say when he told you he was bisexual?  Did he always have those inclinations or did he say it was something new?

[Perdita]

Am I being totally naive? Has he been lying to me all the way? Is he lying now? Then he is good at it. Or I am being a blind fool.

Harbour, you are not naive or a blind fool.  We all ask ourselves those questions in our relationships with BPD people.  Am I that naive and stupid? No we are not.  We are simply people who trusted/trust the ones we love and never realized how much deceit was beneath the surface.  Trust is an important part of a healthy relationship.  That's the catch though.  We aren't in healthy relationships, are we?

[Perdita]

After having fantastic sex before and after we got married usually on a daily basis, it was every other day, then once a week, then once a month, and now none for the last 6 years. She told me and this was a big turnoff, that since I am 17 years older than she is, that she had considered herself as my daughter during sex. I have not approached her sexually ever since.

Samuel, I am so sorry she hurt you like that.  I can understand how it can be difficult to erase words like that from your mind and feel the same way about her as before.    On the oter hand, have you considered that maybe she made it up exactly because she wanted this reaction from you?

So, bottom line, sex for a BPD is the lure with a lot of frequency. Yet, it is so temporary. They are very deceitful and pretending, thus making us look like fools. Intimacy, sexual and otherwise, is a very scarey thing for them. It is like the lyric "sometimes when we touch, the honesty is too much".

True words.

[vortex of confusion]

Vortex, what did your husband say when he told you he was bisexual?  Did he always have those inclinations or did he say it was something new?

I am not even sure how to explain how it all went down. I knew that he and his childhood best friend experimented a little when they were younger. He never really went into any detail and chalked it up to him being young and stupid. There was never any indication that it was ever more than that.

I am disgusted with myself more than anything. He told me that he was bisexual after I told him that I had been emailing a guy that was bi. I got bored one day after having had another conversation with him about how I needed help around the house and wanted to spend more time with him. I told every way I knew how that I felt like I was drowning and he ignored me and continued to focus on himself. He had his own room. He couldn't be physical with me. There was no cuddling or anything even remotely nice or tender. He grumped around all the time and I was completely miserable. Anyway, I answered an online ad for a guy that was looking for a platonic friend. We talked for two days before I was overcome with guilt and told my husband. Instead of getting upset, my husband got excited. I told him all about the guy and even let him read all of our email exchanges. Instead of getting jealous or upset, he used it as an opening to say that we should see other people and that he was bisexual and wanted to experiment.

That got my husband really interested in me again. That began a year long period where he was only interested in me if he thought I had been with somebody else. I found a lover and figured out that when I told my husband details, he was interested. If I wouldn't tell him details, he wouldn't get interested and would instead get mad and throw temper tantrums. I cut things off with my lover multiple times so I could focus on my husband and our relationship. Whenever I would cut things off, my husband would go back to completely ignoring me and being disinterested in me or sex or our relationship. Now, I am the bad guy that is whithholding sex. He acts like he is such a victim and that I am horrible because I do NOT want to have sex with him. In all honesty, the thought of sex with him disgusts me.

[Samuel S.]

Perdita, yes, I know she wanted that reaction from me, because she simply doesn't want to be intimate anymore, that it takes too much time, too closeness by her. It takes away from what she wants to do. On the other hand, if I were to say something like "I feel like your father during sex", all her anger and all her resentment would come out for sure. So, in true BPD style, she is keeping her distance that way and in so many different ways. One of these days, I will either leave or die. Then, she will probably rationalize and go on with her life, but underneath all those rationalizations, she is going to be crying and kicking herself as to how stupid and how selfish she really was!

[Earthbayne]

My ex was an artiste at the strategy game of withholding sex.

She realized pretty quickly into my devaluing stage that I actually kept track of her period, so I KNEW when she could and couldn't. I'm pretty sure she faked a yeast infection, as well, in order to hold it over my head and withhold. She knew perfectly well what it was doing to me. At times I was painted extreme white, she would do her best to please me, but this never lasted more than a week and soon after, I'd have to wait 4-6 more weeks to see ANY sort of action.

She masqueraded the issues so well, that I had no idea the first few times that this was a cycle.

The first time this ever happened that she withheld, I'm almost positive she faked getting sick for about two weeks and said she couldn't see me and to please understand.

Like someone else said, out of everything else she ever did to me, withholding was probably the worst of them all. I could deal with all of the issues she had, but when it came to sex, she made me feel like GARBAGE in more ways than one.

[anik0]

My girlfriend would make love to me almost only when I started a fight because of not having sex. I think she felt threated that I would leave so she would have sex with me once or few times. And then when everything would go back to normal the sex was off the table again... .I suddenly realised I was being manipulated. I told her that today and she agreed, she said she saw it herself few days ago, although she said she was not doing it fully intentionally.

Anyway. We are in separation now because I put my foot down and said I can not be in a relationship with no intimacy... .

Guys, I know it's common with BPD - intimacy issues. And my gf is in therapy for 2 years and going really well there. I can see she progreses. I strongly believe she is going to recover from pbd one day. But... .Can any of you tell me, is it possible to overcome the intimacy issues as well?

I love her like hell. She is so good to me. Never was violent or did me any harm (hmm except for that stupid manipulation that now I can see). She is kind, warm, caring and sweet. I do not want to leave her because she is not able to give me more intimacy NOW. I am willing to give her more time as I can see she tries so hard to get better. But... .I am also afraid that I am waisting my time if it is something that can never be solved, improves... .

Does anyone know?

[kentavr3]

As for my opinion only... You’ll probably have to face true... ,. They will never get better. Same intimacy problems started in my family. I finished with false DV case that I won. My wife was sexual assaulted in her 20x. She said in a court that I almost raped her. Judge didn’t trust her. 5 months ago I wouldn’t accept true. I was in critical emotion condition. Now I see, that nothing will happened. Take your time. Do not resist. Read books about BPD. Do not accept personally. Remember , you are just a screen for her sick feelings. As many others here ,you are codependent. BPD smells your weakness and manipulate you. BPD has no mercy, no forgiveness, no compassion. They take care only about themselves. If you understand this, you’ll survive. If not ,you are dead.

[anxiety5]

My girlfriend would make love to me almost only when I started a fight because of not having sex. I think she felt threated that I would leave so she would have sex with me once or few times. And then when everything would go back to normal the sex was off the table again... .I suddenly realised I was being manipulated. I told her that today and she agreed, she said she saw it herself few days ago, although she said she was not doing it fully intentionally.

Anyway. We are in separation now because I put my foot down and said I can not be in a relationship with no intimacy... .

Guys, I know it's common with BPD - intimacy issues. And my gf is in therapy for 2 years and going really well there. I can see she progreses. I strongly believe she is going to recover from pbd one day. But... .Can any of you tell me, is it possible to overcome the intimacy issues as well?

I love her like hell. She is so good to me. Never was violent or did me any harm (hmm except for that stupid manipulation that now I can see). She is kind, warm, caring and sweet. I do not want to leave her because she is not able to give me more intimacy NOW. I am willing to give her more time as I can see she tries so hard to get better. But... .I am also afraid that I am waisting my time if it is something that can never be solved, improves... .

Does anyone know?

No I don't think they change much. They got this way from dysfunctional relationships with one or both parents. Whether they were ignored, neglected or had a totalitarian parent who projected all their own needs for perfection onto them as children, the facts are they were not loved the way that a child who is emotional healthy was loved. If you want to know which parent it is, it's usually the one who they put on a pedestal today. You'll notice they act like a different person around them, always doing things that almost seek their approval. That's because in their youth, when they don't see the neglect, but view their parents as their hero, they learn to interpret love as a feeling of yearning. Of chasing approval and acceptance. Sure they can tell you all the things they need and want out of a relationship, but this is all subconscious to them. Remember BPD is driven of emotions. Their emotional part of their brain is haywire that it takes over their thought process most of the time. Feelings = Reality to them with little reasoning or logic to sort out what's true and lacking the introspective ability to realize their emotional thought process distorts their reality. In short, love to them = a feeling of yearning, of longing, of chasing. If you actually provide them with security, love, support, reinforcement, and all the healthy aspects of a relationship they may say they need, their early interpretations of what love "feels" like are turned off. When they don't long for, yearn for, or have to chase any longer because you are providing these feelings than they no longer "feel" love and they pull away, stop viewing you as a romantic partner and the sex stops. It's also why they cheat. Cheating fills their definition of love and it's perfect for them. The pursuit, the chase, the yearning to have something they can't have, all without the possibility of ever having intimacy because that person is probably also in a relationship themselves.

It's sick. Your only option is to be a narcissist and not care at all. she will love you and chase you for life, but becoming a horrible person in order to win her affection is not worth it, obviously.

[anik0]

Whait a second. Then what are the therapies for? Aren't they learning about settling healthy boundries at therapies? Aren't they learning how to control emotions? How to change their unhealthy mechanisms with healthy ones? Aren't they learning to change from being a needy person to... .I don't know actually to what

You say people with BPD are only waiting to manipulate and abuse me. I get it. But after reading hundrets of stories about BPD husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, ex-wives and ex-husbands, I can't see that with my girlfriend. She is not violent to me. She never intentionally hurt me. Yes, we both see the pattern of manipulation now, but I believe it is something we can stop.

I know she is BPD and more than anythng she needs me, my presence, my stability, my acceptance. And I know she may not "love" me the way people with no BPD love. But I can see that she cares about me, helps me whenever I need it, do little nice things for me, generally is always there for me. And I know I can count on her.

I know our relationship is not "normal". But I believe my gf will get better thank to her therapy. The only think I want to know, before I make a decision of continuing the relationship or ending it, is if it is possible for a BPD person to overcome the intimacy issues. Because I strongly believe she will overcome her BPD syndroms. I know it is not happenign just like that and it takes therapy (maybe a long one) but that is ok for me. I just need to know if there is anyone with BPD who managed to overcome their intimacy issues.

[hergestridge]

I wouldn't give you too much hope  anik0. The intimacy issues are not that different from the other issues. I strived for so many years to make like happy for me and my wife but it was futile.

When the good times arrive, they become uncomfortable.

Therapy is for reducing self-harm, keeping employment... .those immediate, burning issues. I would guess being a lover is pretty low on the list + quite difficult to fix. It's about sexuality and that's hard wired into the brain basically, don't you think?

[vortex of confusion]

Whait a second. Then what are the therapies for? Aren't they learning about settling healthy boundries at therapies? Aren't they learning how to control emotions? How to change their unhealthy mechanisms with healthy ones? Aren't they learning to change from being a needy person to... .I don't know actually to what

Therapy can help but they don't magically fix things and they don't take away the underlying wiring that is there. Therapy is supposed to do all of those things but it requires hard work and a lot of time and energy from the person that is trying to change. Even if the person is going to therapy and is trying to make these changes, there will be slip ups. There will be rough times. There may be periods when the person falls right back into old pattern. Changing thought patterns and behavior patterns is a long process and doesn't happen over night.

You say people with BPD are only waiting to manipulate and abuse me. I get it. But after reading hundrets of stories about BPD husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, ex-wives and ex-husbands, I can't see that with my girlfriend. She is not violent to me. She never intentionally hurt me. Yes, we both see the pattern of manipulation now, but I believe it is something we can stop.

I think this is a bit inaccurate assumption about people with BPD. My husband has never intentionally hurt me. His verbal abuse was never intentional. It was all so subtle that I thought I was going crazy and imagining things. It is and was very confusing. In the beginning, it is easy to have hope and think that everything will get better. If you want to stay with  your partner, that is fine but you need to make sure that you are prepared to deal with it. My husband never intentionally does anything. He is very selfish and very impulsive. He is like a child in a lot of ways. Having the other side notice the patterns and admit to them is only the beginning. I have had my husband acknowledge all sorts of things but was unable to make any kind of lasting changes.

I know our relationship is not "normal". But I believe my gf will get better thank to her therapy. The only think I want to know, before I make a decision of continuing the relationship or ending it, is if it is possible for a BPD person to overcome the intimacy issues. Because I strongly believe she will overcome her BPD syndroms. I know it is not happenign just like that and it takes therapy (maybe a long one) but that is ok for me. I just need to know if there is anyone with BPD who managed to overcome their intimacy issues.

When you talk about intimacy, are talking about sex? If your only concern is whether or not your partner will be able to overcome her problems with sex, then I don't think staying would be a good idea. There is so much more to a relationship than sexual intimacy. Yes, it is important but it shouldn't be the sole reason that you decide to stay or go. I feel like emotional intimacy and the ability to have an emotional connection is a lot more important than sex.

[Earthbayne]

anik0, I hate to say it, but you are hoping for something that is never going to come.

She might not intentionally hurt you, but what do you think withholding sex is? And she admitted to "knowing" what she is doing.

And I hate to be grim, but if you want to see what kind of a future you might have, look up DeadBedrooms.

I had the same cycle you had with the sex. It is mentally damaging and you may be waiting for something that could never come. The therapy isn't going to magically bring back her sex drive one day. What do you think the withholding sex is? Manipulation and abuse of the emotional kind.

[anxiety5]

anik0, I hate to say it, but you are hoping for something that is never going to come.

She might not intentionally hurt you, but what do you think withholding sex is? And she admitted to "knowing" what she is doing.

And I hate to be grim, but if you want to see what kind of a future you might have, look up DeadBedrooms.

I had the same cycle you had with the sex. It is mentally damaging and you may be waiting for something that could never come. The therapy isn't going to magically bring back her sex drive one day. What do you think the withholding sex is? Manipulation and abuse of the emotional kind.

Whait a second. Then what are the therapies for? Aren't they learning about settling healthy boundries at therapies? Aren't they learning how to control emotions? How to change their unhealthy mechanisms with healthy ones? Aren't they learning to change from being a needy person to... .I don't know actually to what

You say people with BPD are only waiting to manipulate and abuse me. I get it. But after reading hundrets of stories about BPD husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, ex-wives and ex-husbands, I can't see that with my girlfriend. She is not violent to me. She never intentionally hurt me. Yes, we both see the pattern of manipulation now, but I believe it is something we can stop.

I know she is BPD and more than anythng she needs me, my presence, my stability, my acceptance. And I know she may not "love" me the way people with no BPD love. But I can see that she cares about me, helps me whenever I need it, do little nice things for me, generally is always there for me. And I know I can count on her.

I know our relationship is not "normal". But I believe my gf will get better thank to her therapy. The only think I want to know, before I make a decision of continuing the relationship or ending it, is if it is possible for a BPD person to overcome the intimacy issues. Because I strongly believe she will overcome her BPD syndroms. I know it is not happenign just like that and it takes therapy (maybe a long one) but that is ok for me. I just need to know if there is anyone with BPD who managed to overcome their intimacy issues.

The facts are my friend, I nor anyone else can tell you anything. You know it. I know it too. Why? Because I was just like you. I was dating apple pie americana. The girl next door. I thought so many times I could "work" through it. I thought I could keep an edge, if I gained knowledge of everything, but it was all for nothing. Look, the fact she's in therapy, that's a good thing. As a rule of thumb, I would strongly advise you to set your own boundaries. If she leaves therapy, you leave immediately. This is a serious mental and and behavioral disorder. Talk to yourself like a best friend right now, not the guy in love. Do you think that there would be a forum of 75,000+ users, 100s of books, entire psychiatric practices devoted to a condition that 90% of people will advise you (through experience) to get out of because it is a no win situation and eventual major loss? But you're girl is different right? The general behavior patterns of those with BPD are so patterned, you can read it in a book. What does that tell you about your prospects?

At the end of the day, nobody will convince you otherwise, so this is a lesson you will have to learn on your own. I wish you the best. But I advise you of a couple things. Keep your expectations realistic. Understanding the limitations of this disorder on the emotional satisfaction of relationships is the ONLY advice you will ever read online about somehow making "it work" Don't be in denial. The truth is, you are already not accepting the limitations of this disorder, because you are here trying to ask us if it's possible for HER to change.